People love a wedding if the fanfare surrounding the Kardashian wedding, the royal wedding, or the litany of wedding shows is any indication. As pointed out in a recent article by D.A. Wolf, the marriage, the part that extends beyond the ceremony is largely ignored by the media and even those getting married. This is why marriage and weddings should be separated from one another, and the actual planning of the marriage should be de-romanticized, to be planned under a sharp mind, with thoughts towards what justifies ending a marriage.

It seems that weddings and marriage have become synonymous. Mention an engagement, and the conversation shifts to when the big day is, what’s being planned for the ceremony, or how the proposal happened. The conversation rarely, if ever, discusses merging two lives together and establishing the foundation for that life, which will likely include children, perhaps even before the ceremony. Granted, social forays may be partly to blame. It may seem uncouth to pry into something so personal, but these topics must be discussed.

Or worse, one or both members of the couple will discuss their future life, their proposal and their plans through rose colored glasses. Love, soul-mate, destiny, these and other terms are vague, subjective words that obfuscate the gravity of the situation. This is why, when preparing to get married, the future Mr. and Mrs. should do two things, discuss a litany of criteria involving the future without these words, and discuss their divorceable offenses.

The first thing a couple should do is explain to one another why they’re getting married, without using the aforementioned words. This harkens back to an old idiom of writing; it’s better to show than to tell. If a couple cannot find concrete examples of why they love each other, without resorting to the vague words, they don’t understand each other enough to become a single life.

Further, as expectations and finance are top reasons for divorce, describe your fiscal plans. This should involve a complete disclosure of debts, assets, salaries, liens, and other costs. Failure to disclose this information, or reliance on vagaries, “we’ll get by”, “don’t worry, I have a plan” and others serves as a double red flag. It signals a reluctance to reveal yourself to your partner, but also basic or even willful ignorance of the future.

One other idea is for each person to present the other with a list of divorceable offenses. There is the obvious, infidelity, or at least unsanctioned infidelity, spousal abuse, hiding a devastating secret and others. But this is not the point. The point is for each person to verbalize the less obvious justifications for ending a marriage.

There are two reasons for this: the first being insight. Even though marriage is often advertised as the molding of two lives into one, such a fusion is impossible as they cannot share a mind. Without knowing what the other is thinking, they are dependent upon either determining the problem themselves or one day being told. If there are offenses horrendous enough to end a marriage, that aren’t part of the obvious offenses, it behooves both partners to let the other know as soon as possible.

Consider if one member of the couple engaged in the same destructive vice as their partner’s parent. Alcoholism, gambling addiction, drugs. Growing up with this in the household may be terrible enough, but to experience it yet again with their spouse would likely be too much for their marriage to handle. This exercise is merely trying to engage in more communication between the couples, but knowing both what to avoid and how dire it is considered can be invaluable.

There’s a more ulterior motive for vocalizing divorceable offenses however: secret feelings. Hiding aspects of our personality is common during the courtship process. But at some point, both have to show their hands, and it’s better to do so when they can afford to leave the table.

Consider if one member of the couple wrote that they would consider getting fat a divorceable offense. Perhaps to some having children warrants a divorce, or not having children, not having a boy, failing to meet standards of living established by only one member of the couple. It is quite possible that one person will have an expectation of the marriage that is so outrageous or unrealistic, or just horrifying that it would be grounds for ending the engagement.

Everyone has expectations about their spouse, some realistic, some not realistic. But isn’t it better to discover these expectations, both to determine if they are worth perusing and as a window into the other’s mind? Discovering that a partner is shallow enough to divorce over physical appearance might be a large enough red flag to justify backing out of the marriage. Better to leave in the beginning, rather than be left eight years into the marriages when she decides her husband has become too fat.

These ideas certainly will not save a marriage. Forging a new life is a complicated process with thousands of variables that can never be accounted for. Still, focusing on the grittier side of marriage, the expectations, the finances, and the painful, personal stuff that usually goes unsaid will go a long way towards creating a more stable union. This is best accomplished by eschewing frilly language and clearly communicating expectations, plans for the future, and skeletons from the past.