So as a divorced-single woman in her 30′s and living in the modern age in which the world of dating has opened up from the local bar to the World Wide Web, I had joined a dating service to test the waters and see what’s out there in the oceans of spam and trolls. But as my friends and family know, I didn’t join just any old dating site or any of the popular ones advertising the finding of one’s soulmate.

I joined a dating site featuring British men.

A Brit man meat market! Wow, my kind of place!!! Where’s my shopping cart?

The premise is simple – British chaps across the world want to have relationships with women outside their culture, and the creators (British husband and American wife) made the site for these gents and the exotic ladies who want them. With a free profile and a very low one-time registration fee for Total Site Privileges, this seemed like a nice place to indulge in my Anglophilia fetish.

With registry and profile-making out of the way, I set to browsing the several hundred Brit-man profiles on the site, featuring everything from Hugh Grant wannabes to Sean Connery wannabes. Not to mention the alarming number of Christopher Eccleston wannabes with big ears and short-cropped hair.

But I noticed something about the profile pictures on these things. Lots of somethings. And I had to do my own something about it to address such a travesty.

Hence, here is the top ten list of which profile pictures shouldn’t be posted if you’re looking for a serious relationship …

10. Holding an Alcoholic Beverage: Sure, it may be one of your best casual pictures, but nothing screams ‘alky’ more than looking buzzed and holding a beer. Points must be given for honesty about your character, though.

Most Original Example: Not only holding a beer, but also being groped by a drunk woman wearing a short skirt, with her leg hitched up around your waist. For your profile picture on a dating site. Klassy with a capital ‘K’.

9. Non-Use of Flash: Dude, we want to see what you look like, not your outline. A flash will not sunburn your lovely pale skin. For all we know the photo is really of your cousin Ralphie. For all you know, it might actually be.

Most Original Example: “I’ll use this photo of me in the cave without a flash. You can just make out my cell phone.”

8. Sitting at Your Work Desk: Yes, yes, you’re a hard worker, and you’re really married to your job; you just want a housekeeper to look after your place and cook your dinner. Well, likely not, but desk photos are pretty lame, including the forced smile.

Most Original Example: Web cam picture while you’re sitting at your desk … and the background has a nudie poster. Fail.

7. The Other Woman: Really, chaps, is it THAT hard to find a photo of yourself WITHOUT another woman in it? We’re shopping for you, not the woman with her tongue in your ear.

Most Original Example: Nothing says ‘clueless’ faster than a profile photo of you dancing with a woman wearing a wedding dress. Especially when she’s drunk enough to have to hang on you to standing up.

6. The Bathroom Shot: Yeah, it’s convenient, but most cameras have a timer. Use it. I don’t want to see your bathroom, or your streaky mirror, or the camera in front of your face. Leave that for teenagers on Facebook. You’re looking for an adult relationship, take pictures like an adult.

Most Original Example: I really didn’t need to know about the hemorrhoid cream on your sink ledge. But thank you for helping me make up my mind. Next.

5. Reenactor Character: It’s cool that historical reenacting is one of your hobbies, but it should not be your profile picture. You really don’t look like your everyday self.

Most Original Example: “My role in my reenacting troop is the Executioner.”

4. You Like My Muscles: You know, we can tell you have muscles under a shirt. You really don’t have to take off your shirt and show them off. Oh, and you look American by doing that. Real turn-off.

Most Original Example: I am not lying, one guy looked like an albino gorilla with an outrageously bulked up top and skinny waist and legs.

3. In the Middle of a Group: Which one are you? Come on, I have to decide which one of these three guys is you? Couldn’t you have found a pic of you by yourself? Or were you holding a beer in that one?

Most Original Example: “Hair: blond Eyes: blue Height: 6′ Race: white” … ALL THE GUYS IN THE PIC HAVE THE SAME DESCRIPTION! Give us a clue! Better yet, I’ll give you a piece of paper with the word “CLUE” written on it.

2. Poor Cropping: Is PaintShop that hard to figure out? I want to see more than half your face and definitely the top of your head. It’s not artistic, it’s annoying.

Most Original Example: Well, yes, your headline does match – “British Guy with One Blue Eye”. But is there anything else to your face besides the one blue eye? Maybe another blue eye, nose, cheeks, mouth, chin … I hope you got the point.

1. Inappropriate Clothes: Do you really think American chicks of any quality will be impressed by your sports’ jerseys, or low-brow humor t-shirts? And the cowboy hat … give us a break. That’s SO American redneck.

Most Original Example: T-shirt of a naked chick with her legs open. Yeah, that’s really attractive and gentlemanly. Okay, so your Mum didn’t dress you, but please exercise a bit of taste.

Just remember: friends don’t let friends post bad profile photos.