All of us have seen the commercials for online dating sites; our Facebook Walls are littered with ads for these sites, especially if you are single. We all know someone who knows someone that met their mate online, and has the most wonderful relationship in the history of time. But what is it really about? Do you really have to pay a company to match your personality traits, desires, dreams and location, in order to find the perfect mate? Does it really take 29 dimensions of personality to find someone with whom you are compatible?

The funny thing is that I really do know people who met their mates online. I know people that have been married for years that met this way. My very own twin sister met her now ex-husband on a bulletin board back in the early days, in the 80’s, when PCs were slow and online communities were hosted on some geek’s computer in his parents basement. She married the geek with the computer in the basement.

I have worked online since the 1990’s, and many of the people I know who met their partners online, met through their work. I always thought it was a bit of a mystery how this happened, since I never met a long term romantic interest online through work. It turns out there was no real mystery; I tend to take work seriously, and just really was not looking for romance there.

This is not to say that I have not had online romances. I have had a few, but until recently, none of them were serious. In the past if I found someone that was highly skilled at cyber sex, I tried to keep them around, at least for a little while. If you have ever had cyber sex with someone that is really lousy at it, you can appreciate why you would want to hang on to a partner that had skills. Bad cybersex is like watching a train wreck combined with one of those televised fishing shows, horrifying and boring all at the same time.

While an extraordinary cyber sex partner is something to be cherished and hoarded, these relationships… at least for me… did not usually go much farther than that. It always comes down to having the time to meet, and the interest and desire to make the time. It may sound horrible, but no matter how good the partner is, eventually you run out of new and exciting scenarios with them.  There were a few that had potential to grow into something more, but then something in my life would change; a new job, moving to a new house, and other things that would consume so much of my time and attention, that I no longer had the time to dedicate to “playing” online.

Additionally, if you have read my other articles, you may know that I have been celibate for a very long time. Sometimes it would just get too hard to continue on. When you want so badly to be physical with someone, and time, distance and finances are keeping you apart, sometimes it is easier to just walk away. That was the conclusion I came to about five years ago. That it was too hard. So I bowed out of the cyber sex arena, gave up on finding a partner, on or offline, and just focused on work and other things.

Of course as soon as you make a decision of this nature, and find your feet again, something happens to bowl you over and take your breath away. This last summer, I met a man on Facebook, a friend of a friend. We ran into each other on the mutual friend’s wall quite often; debating everything from politics to quantum physics, and I loved the way this man thought. I started to watch for him. I almost felt like a stalker, waiting for him to comment on some random posting from the mutual friend. He is quite a bit older than I am, and I was intimidated by that. I was afraid that he would not want to waste his time talking to me. Eventually I got around to sending a friend request though, and he accepted it.

About the same time, my hormones were raging. I was horny all the time! I was burning through batteries at a phenomenal rate. Honestly, I should have bought some stock in Energizer; I could have made back some of the money I was spending on their products. One day, after three orgasms and still no satiety, I posted my libido predicament to my wall. Of course it got a lot of attention, but most of my male friends did not chime in; except for the new one that happily offered up his services!

I immediately took the conversation private, and started to learn more about this intriguing man. I was hooked. We were not having cyber sex, just conversations, but they were fantastic conversations. We had the same interests, complimentary senses of humor, and the two of us could talk all night long about so many subjects that it was mind blowing. I was still intimidated about his age, about telling him how badly I wanted to fuck him. I started hinting, flirting, trying to get him to talk dirty to me. Finally one day I just had to come out and say it, come out and tell him how badly I wanted to feel his weight on top of me, his cock inside me.

It was awkward at first. He had no experience with cyber sex, no experience expressing his desires in words, but he learned quickly.

Meeting online has given us the opportunity to truly get to know one another. I have believed this to be true of online friendships for a very long time. I have some friends that I have met online who I am closer to, and know more about, than friends I have known for thirty years. So, while it can be frustrating not being able to reach out and touch him, kiss him, or screw him any time I want; in a way we are closer after six months of online dating than we would be if he were in my bed beside me every night.

Of course both people have to be open and honest. There are so many ways to lie to someone over the internet. I see it all of the time. I have heard stories of people using photos that they have found online; of telling people they meet online they are wealthy, or hung like an ox, when it simply is not true. There is a lot of potential for becoming a victim, and for creating victims. So you really have to be careful out there, if you are looking for something real. If you are looking for hot cyber sex, it does not really matter if the other person tells you they are Brad Pitt. It is only when you want something serious that you need to be concerned with honesty.

If however, people can get past their fears, get past being afraid to be themselves and really open up to another person online, the potential is extraordinary for building lasting relationships and friendships. Being afraid that the other person will think you are too fat, too thin, too blond, too short, too poor, can get in the way of honesty. Honesty is essential for lasting relationships though. If you have an online romance, eventually you will want to meet the other person, and all of those things you might have been hiding will no longer be possible to hide. Seriously, your partner will notice that you do not actually have that 10 inch cock you told her you have, or the DD cup size, or the Lamborghini. If you think someone you meet online has potential to be a true relationship, you have to be honest. No one is going to believe you wrecked the Lamborghini, had cock reduction surgery, and lost your mansion to termite infestation, all at once.

I also believe that to have a lasting relationship, you need to be friends with your mate and actually like them. You have to enjoy spending time with them outside of the bedroom, because to be honest, even someone with a ramped up libido cannot spend more than a couple hours a day having sex, at least not on a permanent basis. It is great to dream about non-stop sex, but we all know eventually you have to put your panties back on. Once your clothes are on, you have to be able to enjoy the other person’s company.

So, while my partner and I have not been matched by 29 dimensions of personality, and did not pay for a subscription to an online dating service that never would have matched us because of the distance in our locations; we each found something neither of us was looking for, but we now both lust after.

  • Danielle

    I’ve tried OKCupid and PlentyOfFish.com…and was extremely disappointed. Nearly all of the guys are jerks and/or only want one thing. I’d love to find someone online to meet up with in person especially since I’m moving out of state and would love to find someone who I can hang out with once I move.I would definately give online dating a chance again after reading this :)

  • CW

    Try fitness singles…healthy guys with healthy appetites but most with good attitudes or match.com. Granted they are not free but you get what you pay for…

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