Often when discussing abuse in BDSM relationships, one of the first comments I get is, “As long as you have a safe word, and your owner honors it, it’s not abuse.” And that’s a great way to look at things, but…

I don’t have a safe word.

This is not to say that I don’t believe in their use, or that I never had one, or that I have no way to stop something I don’t like. We just communicate in other ways.

When M collared me and gave me the rules, one of them was “Your safe word is ‘enough’. You may use this word to stop whatever is going on.” We sat and talked about all the possible situations that I should use my safe word in. If my hands were falling asleep. If he delved into an area I wasn’t comfortable with. If there was something really wrong. If I was about to pee my non-existent pants. Basically just any situation that could cause our scene to go south.

I understood that it was a safety precaution put in place to make me feel safe. But I didn’t get why I couldn’t just say, “You should probably unlock my hands or they’re gonna fall off.” or “Ow, fucker! Not there!” or “You’re gonna end up with a puddle on the floor if you don’t let me go for a second.”

So, I did some research. What’s the point of this magic word? And why do I need one?

The general consensus seems to be that a safe word is necessary to avoid interrupting the scene. But that’s something else I never understood. I mean, having to change positions, or go to the bathroom, or be untied so the blood flow returns to your appendages is going to interrupt the scene no matter how you handle it, isn’t it? So why the magic word?

There are other reasons. Some people use safe words because the submissive in question is known to say, “No. Don’t” when they mean, “Yes, please.” Others believe a submissive sometimes goes into “subspace” during a scene and can lose the ability to even notice something going wrong, let alone tell someone. But that really doesn’t make sense to me either. I mean, if I can’t tell something’s wrong in the first place, how on Earth am I supposed to remember some special word?

So, it’s become abundantly clear, to me, that this word is mostly about warm-fuzzies. About having a safety net. And whether or not they actually work the way they’re supposed to depends on the parties involved.

However…

I fully believe in the use of safe words. Especially between two players who are new to each other.

While I understand that, if you hook up with the wrong person, no amount of safe wording is going to save you, I also know that if you’re with an honorable person, they will heed your safe word without so much as a second thought. And that comes down to knowing who you’re playing with.

I cannot stress this enough. Know who you are playing with!

So how did I lose my safe word?

It wasn’t long after begging to be owned by M that I consented to giving him complete control over my life. Who I talk to, where I go, what I do, what kinds of jobs I have, whether or not I have a job, how I dress… It’s all controlled by him. And you’d think that would make my life so much easier. But it really doesn’t. We don’t always agree on those things. So I have to state my case and hope he agrees. But if he doesn’t, I suck it up and deal.

And that’s the way I like it.

In the first year, I used my safe word once. I was being punished. I don’t remember for what. And I really shouldn’t have been allowed to use it, in my mind. I mean, how fair is that? Being allowed to safe word out of being punished for screwing up? Not very, from where I sit. I did the crime. I should absolutely do the time.

Turned out, he was more interested in testing my endurance than punishing me. And he whipped me with a crop until I cried out, “Enough!”

It wasn’t long. It felt longer than it actually lasted. And I didn’t use my safe word because I couldn’t handle the pain of the beating. To be honest, I’d taken much more during previous scenes. I used my safe word because he pushed me to use it.

The longer he whipped me, the more he said things like, “Come on. Safe word out. This is too much for you and you know it. Just safe word out and it’ll be over.” And eventually, out of fear of disappointing him (Odd, that. Most submissives are afraid that if they do use their safe word they’ll disappoint their owners. I was afraid not to use mine.), I said, “Enough!” Then I sat down and cried.

I asked him to start again. Begged, even. And he said no. I had used my safe word. That was the end. And I was devastated. Felt like the biggest moron in the world. So I did more research.

I found that not everyone uses safe words. Some believe that a slave is not truly owned with a safe word. They believe a safe word allows for the slave to have control and slaves shouldn’t have any. Others feel there are better ways to communicate. And still others do just say, “Ow, fucker! Not there!”

I found talk of relationships eventually not needing safe words. About how owners get to know their slaves so well that they can just tell when they’ve had enough. About their constant checking and rechecking on things like the temperature of the slave’s hands and any pain not caused by them and their mental state.

While I was reading, I kept finding things that M did throughout our scenes. Little gestures he made to make sure I was enjoying – or, at the very least, okay with – what was going on. And I realized I didn’t use my safe word anyway. He’d never pushed me to a point where I needed it. He always stayed on top of my condition, making sure I’m okay, checking on me.

So I gave it up. I decided it was unnecessary and told M I didn’t want it anymore.

He didn’t let me give it up right away. He made me wait a few months. And he tested my endurance some more. He watched to see if I actually trusted him enough to let go of my safety net. And I spoke up when things were too much. When something was wrong.

I do not suggest this approach for new players or people just entering into a relationship with someone. I absolutely believe that safe words should be used in these situations. If only so both parties feel safe while sceneing.

Bottom line? A safe word isn’t always necessary. Do what feels right to you. Play safe. And above all, know your partner.