I’ve been fielding some questions related to sexual confidence lately, mainly body image. Not necessarily because of the article I wrote for Eden Cafe on my personal body image, but because these people trusted me to be honest with them. Maybe someone else needs to hear it too, so I wanted to say it here for the masses. And this works for any couple, just adjust the verbiage as you read.

He doesn’t care about your pudgy spots. You’re in bed with him because you want to be. Maybe you love him, maybe you think you do, I don’t know what your reason is, but you wouldn’t be there if you didn’t want to be. Truth be told, he wants you there as much as you want to be there. There’s no reason to be self-critical of your body in this very moment. He’s not looking at the pudgy spot around your belly button or the wrinkle at your waist. I promise, he doesn’t care.

This is why God gave us lingerie. If you know you’re going to be preoccupied with the imperfections, cover them. Corsets, babydolls, teddies, crotchless body stockings, whatever, any of them could hide what you want to hide. Not enough cleavage? Put on a corset to push the twins up and together. Pudgy belly? Yay for babydoll nighties! Really, there is a plethora of lingerie for a reason: to flaunt what you have and to accommodate your imperfections.

A woman’s best light is… Candlelight, twilight, moonlight, no light…Dim the lights, and get to business. It’s hard to see a flaw if it’s hard to see period. It’s less likely that your partner will notice your “flaws” in the dim light. Also, dim light is more relaxing, and you’re able to focus on your feelings. The same thing goes for the fact that you can’t see what’s around you, like that dust on the shelf or the fingerprints on the mirror.

Flaws in diamonds are called “character flaws” for a reason. My mom’s engagement ring has a dark spot of un-diamonded carbon in it. It’s a teensy-tiny little character flaw, but that’s what makes her diamond one of a kind. The same could be said for your little pudgy spot. Who knows, your man may like to kiss it. Your lopsided breasts: he might only be concerned with motorboating them at that very minute. He doesn’t notice because he’s not looking for flaws. He probably won’t care even if you point them out. However, they’re your “character flaws”, and they make your body special.

I’m afraid I’m not doing it right. Did he run away? Did he scream while you were going down on him? Chances are, you’re doing quite well, and he just wants you to do it more often. Hand jobs and blow jobs are hard to mess up. It takes a lot to make an individual act unsalvageable. As long as there’s lubrication of some sort, and things don’t get dry, just keep that hand job going at a speed he likes. If he starts to get limp or go to sleep, you might want to speed up. If you’re going too fast or hard, he’ll probably whimper or say, “Baby, slow down a little.” I’m pretty sure he’s not going to let you do any damage. As for blow jobs, keep your teeth covered if you’re unsure as to whether you might bite. Otherwise, keep the pace to his liking and just pay attention to what he does, voluntarily or involuntarily, and he’ll be a happy fellow.

The only things that matters in sex are that you are present, both mentally and physically, and you are attentive to you and your partner’s needs. Don’t worry about anything other than making each other happy. When you’ve got that going, you’ve got a good thing.