Growing up in my house, sex was never discussed. It was that ultimate taboo subject that I was supposed to never know or hear about. All I knew about sex was that my mother had years of infertility before conceiving me. Sex was for procreation and that line on forms that asked if you were male or female. Nothing more.

My mother didn’t even want me informed about issues of sexuality. She insisted on pulling me out of school when my high school health class covered safe sex and condom usage. Her only instruction regarding sex was a simple “do it and I’ll kill you.”

Needless to say, I grew up very sheltered and my sexual proclivities went underground at an early age. Growing up in the burgeoning age of the internet, I quickly found an outlet and resource for all things sexual. I surfed website after website of sexually related topics, many before I was probably legally allowed to. Through my research and readings, I educated myself where my parents had refused to do so. I took it upon myself to be responsible and learn what I needed to know to take control of my own body.

Of course I did all these things in secret. I didn’t exactly ask my parents for information because I knew they wouldn’t provide it. There wasn’t that open line of communication that I feel is so important nowadays for young people and their parents in regards to sexual topics.

Perhaps all of this has led to me to be much more secretive about my sexual tendencies. I grew up not talking about sex and it’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve felt comfortable with myself to be more open. I had to grow into my skin and my own sexuality despite years of intellectual research. Heck, I didn’t even lose my virginity until I was 22.

What’s funny about me is that looking at me you’d never suspect I was a closet slut. “Slut” is a term I use with no negative connotations too. I am very free with my sexuality while being picky about my partners. When I feel comfortable with someone, I have no problem with having sex with him or her. It’s getting to that comfort level that is tricky sometimes.

I walk the line between two worlds I’m not entirely comfortable in. On one hand, I’m a law student by day. I wear pearl earrings and am outwardly very straight laced. Day to day I wear very little makeup and look more like the fresh-faced girl next door than anything. I put on my conservative suits and nobody would suspect what I do in my free time.

My other world is one that I’m still growing in and finding my way. People who know me have accused me of being addicted to all things sex and it’s probably an accurate statement. I love lingerie, sex toys, dirty pictures, teasing, foreplay and all kinds of sex – quick, intimate, sensual, dirty and rough. In the roughly 18 months I’ve been purchasing sex toys I’ve amassed quite the collection even for those who have been in the market for much longer.

Most of my friends fall into two categories: those that know and those that don’t. Sometimes when someone who don’t know find out, they are shocked and many refuse to believe I have this other side to me. And they don’t want proof either. It’s almost like discovering Santa or the Easter Bunny doesn’t exist for them – my image is forever altered and there’s no getting it back.

Thankfully I’ve found a new outlet for my proclivities on the internet, the original resource for my perversions. I’ve met people who share my interests and fetishes and they accept me for who I am and what I like. I never have to worry about shocking people online.

Why do I choose to be undercover? Because despite my inherently exhibitionist nature I view my sexuality as something sacred. Not everybody needs to know about it except who I choose to divulge it to. My deepest fantasies and fetishes are mine alone and I want to share them with people who won’t look down on me for them.

Additionally, I choose to be undercover about my kinky nature because having chosen the profession that I have, I need to maintain an image. I wear no outward signs of my sexual side and I have rules I play by. I don’t want to foreclose any future possibility that might arise just because I can’t keep it in my pants when I’m in my twenties, so to speak. What’s private stays private until I choose to disclose it to someone that I know I can trust.

I look forward to the day that I can have someone to share all my sides with. Someone who will accept me for me, sexual addiction and all. Someone who will understand that I walk the line between being conservative, suit wearing lawyer and naked, collared slut. I have both sides to me and for my sanity to persist, they are sides that both need to remain in balance.

Viva la Undercover Kinksters!