I have finally accepted that my husband LOVES my body, loves the real me. This might seem like something to be taken for granted; I mean what wife doesn’t believe her husband loves her? For many women, though, this is the driving force in their lives. We worry about that pimple, those stray hairs, the gray hairs, the wrinkles, the warts, the few (dozen) extra pounds we have put on, and the list can go on forever. I have learned that such worries put distance between lovers and can be the WORST thing you can do to any relationship.

Think about it, if you will: You are loving your man who is so busy looking in the mirror to see why you couldn’t POSSIBLY love or desire him that he is, in effect, calling you an idiot all day every day. He rebuffs your advances of intimacy because he “doesn’t smell right, isn’t dressed sexily, has hair….”

You are left confused, lonely, hurt and possibly misunderstanding the issue thinking it is YOU who is unattractive. You can see how very quickly this spirals out of control when you take this small example: He leans in for a kiss, and you recoil because you are sure your breath is rank. He pulls back after seeing you recoil and is clearly hurt and is thinking you didn’t WANT that kiss. You run to the bathroom to brush your teeth or gargle mouthwash and when you return he’s moved on to something else. You wait for the kiss but he has decided you don’t want him to kiss you so he stands aloof. Hurt feelings continue to mushroom and soon you are quarreling about who should have taken out the garbage…or worse you are politely, but coldly ignoring each other. Such a small example but it happens too often to count.

So you ask yourself: “What should I have done? Kiss him and watch him pass out, or reject me, for my dog poo breath?” The simple answer is YES, but the better answer is to kiss him first and then ask if you need to brush your teeth! You could always protest before the kiss but in some cases that is seen as pushing your partner away without even asking him if he is aware of your breath!

Such simple things leading to disaster. For years, and I mean probably from the beginning of our relationship, I would push Sigel away whenever he got too amorous if I felt I had a strong odor. OMG he couldn’t go down on me if it wasn’t smelling like a garden of roses! Never, nuh uh, no way! It needed to be shaved, washed, perfumed and possibly fumigated! I’m exaggerating slightly but I was obsessed. He started to get angry at what he perceived as my rejection of him and would muscle me into accepting whatever he wanted…which was down and dirty, smelly, hawt sex. You might say, “Well poor you” but this actually had a negative impact on my self esteem. I saw it not as passion but as an attack because I truly had no idea where this was coming from. The simple truth was the natural smell of my body drives that man to absolute and total distraction! He LOVES my smell even at it’s most rank (to my nose anyhow) and figures a shower is for cleaning up afterward. Now I have never been one to not wear deodorant or just stink which he approves of and he loves when I take pride in myself enough to be presentable at all times but when, at the end of the day, just before heading into the shower he catches the scent trail of my body, all bets are off. Now THAT explanation is so empowering, it is life changing. It’s certainly relationship changing.

My guys are such bookends that sometimes they are at odds with one another over me. Sigel loves to kiss and lick a closely shaved or at least trimmed pussy. Arch loves the feeling of hair tickling and tugging at his genitals during sex. He also knows that hair tugging is one of my kinks and gets me in the mood quick. So he prefers the natural look. Now, obviously I can’t please them both but through open communication they each understand that I will do what I can to accommodate them both and they both appreciate the effort but without open communication bad things can occur. Take for instance what happened before I opened the dialog between them: I was grooming myself a week or so before a trip to visit Arch and I decided I had time to grow back my hair to his satisfaction if I gave it a little grooming and a trim. So I did some shaving and plucking, thinking that Sigel would surely appreciate the effort. I waited until that night to “unveil” so to speak, my ‘work of art’. Far from being happy he snarled at me “So you can shave for him but I get nothing?” I was stunned but being in a new frame of mind I swallowed my hurt pride and simply answered, “I did this for you, Arch prefers me to be natural.” He blinked and said, “Really?” and I nodded. He thought that a person as finicky as Arch about hygiene would hate all that unruly hair! So all the time I was planning these special surprises for Sigel he believed I was doing this for Arch! Silly man.

Why am I sharing all this with you, my readers? Well it occur ed to me that polyamorists (and marriage counselors) constantly extol the virtue of open, honest communication to build a happy, healthy relationship that lasts. The problem is while we are explaining how to do this we forget to illustrate the most important part…WHY it’s so important. You cannot, and indeed, will not ever be able to read what is going through your partner’s mind! The real shocker is: Your partner cannot and will not ever be able to read YOUR mind. To have truly effective communication you must be aware of your reactions and of the opportunities to clear up misunderstandings. If you believe your breath stinks, SAY SO, preferably before your lover wants a smooch. If you LOVE the way your partner smells, tastes, and looks tell them so! Do it often. All it took for me to believe him, to REALLY accept that he was being serious, was a simple intake of breath and a satisfied growl of, “My God I love the way you smell right now! I could bury my nose in your body and die happy.” Now Sigel is a bit poetic though he will deny it if you ask, but you get the drift.

To have effective communication you MUST risk being hurt, shamed, and rejected. To give effective communication you must hear the fear of being hurt, shamed or rejected and respond with loving support for this creature that, if you truly love, you would never hurt, shame or reject. You must demand the same in return, KNOWING that you deserve it and are worthy of it.

It is true that to get you must give but it is also true that you can’t receive that which you won’t accept. You must believe your partner is sincere until he/she is proved insincere; that is the vulnerability that builds monumental loves that stand the test of time and are a beacon for others. That’s the true “secret” of lasting relationships.