DarthSarah painted a pretty bleak picture in her post about The Dark Side. I bet she even drew some of you over to her side with a buncha “Yeah, you’re right! That’s annoying!”s. I know I was tempted. She is right. After a while, sex toy reviewing becomes repetitive, monotonous and boring.

But there are ways to fight The Dark Side! Here are some of them:

1. Schedule incoming toys around busy weekends, periods and paydays. – I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve found a package on my doorstep and realized I didn’t have the time, money or inclination to try it.

Batteries are expensive. Some toys don’t work well with rechargeables. A couple of the toys I own say, “Do not use during menstruation.” in the instructions. And I’m rarely interested in masturbation then, anyway.

Or maybe we’re off camping for the weekend. We’ve had more than a few people (with kids!) completely miss the big tent on the blue and yellow sign with the arrow pointing up the trail. And Ranger Weed, with his flaming red hair and heavy sprinkle of freckles, comes to visit every day, but always at a different time.

Can you imagine?

“Mommy, why’s that man’s tent buzzing? And who’s making that noise?”

“Sir, it sounds like you’re wife’s being stung to death by bees in there! Stand back! I’ll save her!”

2. Invest in rechargeable batteries, condoms and storage. – Not all toys work as well with rechargeables. Some toys are nonporous and don’t need to be used with a condom. But all toys take up space. And unless you’ve got an unused walk-in, you’re gonna run out.

So think ahead. Get yourself some rechargeables for the toys that work with them, some condoms for the toys you’re not sure you’re gonna keep, and toy boxes and bags for the ones you are.

3. Swap, sell or give away the toys you rarely use. – What do you mean you haven’t heard of the Toy Swap Network? Well, now you have. Go check out how to get involved.

Got a friend with a birthday coming up who’s as knowledgeable about sex toy materials as you are (or at least close)? Pack up a couple toys you think she might like in a pretty gift bag or box!

But whatever you do, don’t horde things you haven’t used for six months because you might, some day, in the next ten years, use them again. If you haven’t used them in months, you’ve probably outgrown them.

Or… ya know… do horde them. And buy lots of storage.

4. Don’t be afraid to take a break. - I currently work with seven or eight companies, and all the reps (or owners, as the case may be) are super nice. I mean, super nice. Sometimes, I have horrible scheduling mix-ups. I’m pretty sure I have a smidge of AD(H)D, so it took me almost a year to get through enough of a book about anal health to review it. And while I’m sure they want to throttle and fire me, none of them have yet! (I love you guys!)

5. Warn your neighbors. – No! I’m not saying walk next door to Dick and Jane Smith’s house and say, “Howdy, neighbor. Just wanted to let you know I’ll be receiving oodles of sex toys.” But you can tell them that you work in quality control, and occasionally receive products at your home to test.

I’ve found, in my shitty little neighborhood, if I tell my neighbors that the packages coming in are for my job, they leave them on my front porch (rather than stealing them) and don’t ask about them. I can’t imagine other neighborhoods being much different. So, just let your neighbors know ahead of time.

Or let them think you’re an impulse internet shopper. That works, too.

6. Don’t let the fact that you’re reviewing sex toys change the frequency with which you masturbate. – I know… I know. It seems like you’re going to have to masturbate that much more just to get all those reviews done. But I think you’ll find the rate at which you’re comfortable reviewing proportional to how often you masturbate. I know I have.

You don’t have to masturbate more. You just have to change up how you do it and with what.

7. Approach each toy with an open mind. As if you haven’t tried a hundred just like it. - You’re gonna get duds. You’re gonna get toys with glitches. You’re gonna get toys you hate. You’re gonna get toys that are almost exactly the same. But there’s always something different. Make it your challenge to find and report that difference.

8. Be up front with toy companies about preference, time constraints and allergies. - Everyone has preferences. It is a rare soul that is truly indifferent about everything. And there’s not much you can do about allergies. If you think about it, though, that probably saves them money!

We’ve all got lives outside of masturbation. Let the companies you’re working with know what’s going on (Don’t worry about getting too deep into the nitty gritty if you don’t want to.), and give them an idea of when they can expect to see your review.

9. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. – See something you like? Write the company and ask them if they’d be willing to send it to you in exchange for a review on your site with links back to their site and product page. Offer them a list of your stats. Tell them why it would be beneficial to them.

What’s the worst they can do? Say no? Well, then… You’re no worse off than you were before.

10. It’s okay to say no. Especially if you won’t like it! - Most companies much prefer a positive review over a negative one. Yeah, they want your honest opinion. But they hope your honest opinion is that you love the hell out of their product.

And that makes sense. I mean, they’re not gonna make any money if no one likes what they’re selling.

*Bonus!*

It’s about quality, not quantity. – Some companies send anything to anyone. Others reserve their more expensive toys for their best reviewers. And rightfully so! A good reviewer will better cover the functions and performance of the toy, which usually means more sales. Our motto? He/she who dies with the best reviews wins!

With your help, we will annihilate the Empire! May the force be with you.