It’s no fun to be cheated on. Especially if you only found out after your relationship was over. I did regain power in our relationship in the end, though. This is my story.
My ex, let’s call him Sean, had cheated on a previous girlfriend, and I knew this going into our relationship. We’d discussed what had led up to him going behind her back for sex, and he reassured me that he couldn’t see it happening again, that it was just the product of the situation. I believed him, mostly.
I will not lie and say that we had a great relationship, and it probably should have been a hint to me, just how hard I needed to work for his attention, that it wouldn’t last. We were at school. I had gone to a different state for college, but was willing to make the five hour drive once a month to spend the weekend, and in the beginning he reciprocated. The thing was, whenever I was with Sean, even if we hadn’t seen each other in weeks, he always had plans. He would play basketball with some friends while I waited in his dorm room, or just play video games with his roommate while I watched; it never seemed like my presence was special.
He broke up with me on Valentine’s Day. Sean said he couldn’t handle the long-distance of our relationship, but, as it turns out, what he couldn’t handle was the distance between our beds. One of our mutual friends, who was sick of seeing how he treated his girlfriends, shared some pictures with me of Sean and another girl. The pictures were taken during our relationship, and what bothered me the most was that it was clear that he was doting on her. He wouldn’t even cuddle with me after sex, but he was sweet and loving with her!
The most ironic part of the story was how I gained a feeling of control over the relationship, once it was finished. About two weeks after he dumped me, Sean called. It was late at night and he was drunk to the point of being absolutely maudlin. He had called to tell me that he had made a mistake by breaking up with me, and to tell me that he was ready to take me back. By this time, I had already gotten word from several friends about how he had been cheating on me behind my back with at least two different girls. I had talked to his sister, who is a friend of mine, and she had told me that Sean’s explanation of our break-up didn’t match up with what had happened. I have a good core of close friends who were more than ready to tell me that I was better off without him, if being with him had made me feel so bad about myself. So I told him no. No, I was not going to go out with him. No, I didn’t want him to call me anymore. No, I was done with feeling like a second-class citizen in a relationship.
The ability to say no to Sean was positively cleansing. I felt better about myself, and I felt that I owed it to any future partners to discover myself, despite becoming a walking cliché. As a rule, cheating will damage a relationship, feeding upon the doubts of the one who didn’t stray. And while there are exceptions to every rule, having been cheated on I cannot advocate affairs, even though I am a stronger woman now than I was then. Maybe I should thank Sean. I probably won’t.
Jessica
I have been in the same situation except he told me what he had done him self. I knew something was up for awhile and our relationship was not good. I kept asking him what was going on but he would always say nothing. I felt like the bad guy for feeling like he was cheating when he wasn’t (even thou he was). One day out of the blue he just dumped me said it wasn’t working out. Only a month after we broke up he was constantly calling and crying begging me to come back. It was hard to get over what he did and I still havent but I did take him back. I constantly am thinking about what he’s doing where he’s at who he is texting. I check all his stuff infront of him and behind his back. I hope thy one day he can earn my trust back by he relizes it could be a long time and he knows he will have to deal with me harassing him as well. It’s really though but like I said I hope we can over come it and it will stay in the past and never happen again.
Alys
You are a much stronger woman than I was. I just didn’t have that trust in me, and I hope that you are not disappointed!
Sarah Moodie-Parfitt
I’ve also been cheated on A LOT! I’ve never cheated back, it doesn’t do any good. I’ve only had 1 relationship where I wasn’t cheated on and that was before my husband. My husband cheated a lot in the past, and it hurt. To this day I still don’t know why, except for the fact that I could have been working too much and not home enough, I worked double and split shifts for a long time and wasn’t home often. I got a couple of infections.. but not STD’s, OTC meds took them away. I still don’t completely trust him and don’t know that I will ever trust him 100%, there will always be doubt in the back of my mind if things ever don’t add up again. I love him, unconditionally, that kind of love isn’t found very often. I still wish I knew why, and have asked but never get an answer. I’ve forgiven but haven’t forgotten, that’s something you just don’t forget about. He’s a good man, he just makes bad choices sometimes…. I suppose it has to do with his past… I can understand that, I just don’t condone it. We’re happy now and more in love than ever! I guess that’s what matters. Our relationship has had so many ups and downs, and struggles but we’ve made it through every single one together! He’s a completely different person in the last few years, one that I am proud of, one that I love more than the day I met(which is hard to imagine after 11 1/2 years), one that is always there when I need him to be and sometimes when I don’t want him to be. I don’t like being cheated on, but in this case, there is 1 man out there that I can’t be without, so I’ve stayed with him and the last few years have been more amazing than I ever could have imagined. Yes, I thought about leaving him many times, but in hindsight, I just can’t picture my life without him in it. I do suppose, and have seen, that people can change, it just takes time. The others that cheated on me never got a second thought, but in my eyes, marriage is forever(unless, of course, it’s an abusive or damaging marriage). Two people can get through things, if they work together and work toward making things right. I’m not saying it’s ok to cheat or stay with a cheater, because it’s not(in all cases), but sometimes you just have that 1 that you can’t figure out at the moment that you just have to turn the other cheek and move forward. I’m glad that we worked past things and that he has learned to be faithful, I never would have imagined a love like this ever….. but I’m glad I stuck around to experience it!
Bridgett
I think its hard either way, I’ve been with my husband now for 8 years and he does stuff all the time that makes me think he is cheating cant prove it thou. Makes my life hard and feel like I am being used constantly as I have supported him for the last 2 years. Even if he has never physically cheated on me emotionally he has by waiting until I go to work to talk to women. Of course there is much more to this story but I cant imagine my life without him in it. I just hope that someday all the pain is worth it.
Sarah Moodie-Parfitt
You really should talk to him and ask him directly. Even talking sexually to women online is still cheating! He may not realize that it is or may not categorize it as cheating. Signs of cheating: change in attitude, change in routine, defensive, acting distant, loss of eye contact while talking, not wanting to go places with you that he normally would and loss of sexual appetite. If he gets defensive, more than normal, when confronted about the situation, put a keylogger on your computer that will run without him knowing. You can then read what he types or what he reads as well. Try to get to the root of the problem and see if it can be fixed. For us, it was moving 2,000 miles away from the people he was cheating on me with.
Bridgett
Some things have changed but not really just being more secretive than normal already did the key logger and he now knows its on the computer. But instead of not wanting to spend time with me it was just the opposite. And sexual appetite increased. I was never able to find that he met the women he was talking to every time they tried setting up a day to meet with him he was with me and our kids all day. I busted him out on dating sites set up my own account and had a hard time believing how many guys messaged me. With a screen name like pistoffwife I was very surprised. Got him off the dating sites, didn’t take long. Things have been going good for the most part. Just always have that fear. But when things are good the bad and fear diminish.