A few weeks ago, Mark Oppenheimer wrote a piece for the New York Times that discussed the Congressman Weiner scandal, and what it says about the state of “marriage” in contemporary society.

Oppenheimer’s wife was asked by him which was worse, knowing her spouse had an affair, or him tweeting photos like Weiner’s wiener. She responded that an affair was at least normal. But in a relatively conservative, Puritanistic society, where we have politicians and right-wing news anchors saying that birth control shouldn’t be paid for by health insurance companies, while erection pills can be, how can we determine what is “normal” anymore?

Do you ever hear your grandparents talk about the “Good old days?” You remember those, right? The ones where half of the country didn’t have any civil rights, and women working outside of the home was frowned upon. Where societal expectations, and the “talk” of the neighborhood dictated the actions of families behind closed doors. Ahhh yes… those were the days. Weren’t they?

Today, those same “behind closed door” activities are more secret than ever, and the idea of “privacy” and lack of “front porch neighborhoods”, according to Robert Putnam, might be dividing us. But are those divisions presenting us with more sexual freedoms than ever before? Will those freedoms ultimately be what redefines what it means to be in a relationship?

With the creation of the online world, “sexual deviants” now have a place to express themselves, as well as a place to congregate, meet up, coordinate, and organize in-person events. The PTA mom can create one of the millions of personal porn sites and make extra money, or host Passion Parties to sell sex toys to her girlfriends. The images all over Tumblr can bring porn to your iPad when your outside the home. I even read a story a few months ago that talked about the social acceptability of romance novel reading in public, because now you can read them on a digital device instead of catching the judgmental eye of Grandma on the subway.

If you take it to the next level, the ability to hide means your sexual activities can be shrouded from view as well. When I was in college, I started playing around with a couple that lived in my town, and I told them that privacy was of the utmost importance. The husband agreed, saying that his public profile was fairly prominent and having someone who could be discreet coming to their house every week or so to play with him and his wife had to be on the down-low.

He once told me of a fetish party that was open to the public, but people in the community generally don’t talk about who is at the events. He said “the only reason they would know you were there is if they were too, and they don’t want that to get out either.” I’m moving to a place where I won’t have a roommate anymore, and a friend of mine said I can start having swingers parties. My response to her was “Shit… I’ll have to buy curtains and blinds.” Realistically – that’s all you need, and it looks no different than a quaint urban dinner party.

Finally, it can mean an adjustment in our personal relationships. Beyond swingers parties and easy accessibility to the online world, we have more potential to reset the traditional rules of monogamy. The good old days had underground brothels, ogling at secretaries, and women had little recourse if they wanted something different.

Sex columnist Dan Savage, of “Savage Love”, has long advocated a plan I’ll call “Monogamy Plus.” Couples today, can make their own rules that work for their own relationship. The NY Times piece linked above, discounts writers like Savage, because their theories exhibit a contrast to the tradition of the nuclear family. But what today’s increase in sexual freedom, and comfort with alternative sexualities brings is naturally a readjustment of the traditional coupling models.

When you look at gay and lesbian relationships, many times they’re modeled on the traditional straight relationships. One person plays one gender role, while the other plays the other gender role. The same is true for the coupling – two people each in traditional gender roles playing out a long-term monogamous relationship for the purpose of somehow developing a family and children.

What Savage and others propose is that it doesn’t have to be like that, and modern couples should all feel comfortable creating their own rules for their own relationships. Marriage doesn’t have to make you more conservative, traditional, with one partner FOR THE REST OF TIME, or institute bed-death; instead it can be two partners who agree to engage in a deeper sense of adventure together, with a sexuality that works for them. Relationships, in reality, are merely an agreement to care about each other – to love one another. The details are up to the individuals. Many straight couples are already doing this. So why can’t I, regardless of how I define my sexuality?

Since I started playing with men, I came to the realization that there’s no way I can ever be in a long-term relationship with a woman without a guy involved, and by contrast, there’s no way I could be in a straight relationship without a woman involved. Lesbians tend to not be as open to bringing in men, which is depressing because I love women so much. Men, by contrast, hear me say that I could never be in a long-term relationship with a guy without another woman involved, and everything after that somehow goes unheard……

I sometimes look at where I was 10 years ago, living my life as a full blown lesbian and buying into the traditional model of relationships, yet knowing it didn’t feel right, but I didn’t know why. I can’t believe I never thought of rejecting the whole concept of what a “relationship” was defined as. I hope my 10 years of self exploration can help others realize that you have other options available that you’ve never considered before. And just because you’re LGBT doesn’t mean you’re not still stuck in a traditional relationship model.

As I navigate the complexities of relationships with people who are comfortable making their own rules, I hope to find a guy who is comfortable with adventure, spontaneity, and breaking through the traditional convention of relationships. Oh… and lets me have a girlfriend.

Imagine for a moment that you have a lifetime supply of your favorite ice cream. For the purposes of this this scenario, let’s say it’s vanilla. You could live the rest of your days happily enjoying vanilla ice cream. You cover it with different toppings occasionally to spice things up. But what if you also enjoyed chocolate ice cream? While chocolate isn’t your favorite, you still get incredible cravings for it. Liking chocolate doesn’t make you appreciate vanilla any less, but sometimes you miss how different the flavor is. What do you do? Do you ignore the cravings? Do you give in and indulge in it? Do you make a swirl of the two? This is a similar scenario to the one that bisexuals face when in long-term relationships.

Sexuality is probably the hardest thing out there to define. While there are the three primary orientation labels of “straight,” “gay,” and “bisexual,” and the label of “pansexual” which is becoming more popular, there are so many more manifestations of sexual and romantic desires out there.

What would you label a man who was attracted to transsexual women, but not to men? What would you label a woman who primarily feels sexual desire towards women, but romantic attachment only to men? Even self-proclaimed straight women feel the desire to explore their sexuality with women. This concept gave rise to the book The Straight Girls’ Guide to Sleeping With Chicks by Jen Sincero. There is even a movie called ‘Kissing Jessica Stein’ about a straight woman who starts experimenting with a woman, ends up in a serious relationship with her, but ultimately goes back to dating men. Most people are also familiar with the Katy Perry song “I Kissed a Girl”, with the lyrics of “I kissed a girl and I liked it. I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.” Another song with the same title by Jill Sobule takes a similar route, and is about two friends in heterosexual relationships who innocently take things to the next level. Where is the line drawn and what constitutes bisexual territory?

Bisexuality gets quite a bit of negative press, as bisexuals are seen by some as being “greedy,” or “wanting the best of both worlds.” Some even say that they are simply confused about their true sexuality. Even people who identify as gay have professed that they are wary of bisexuals. It is hard for many people to understand what it is like to be attracted to both genders in a significant manner. While there are several different ways of defining bisexuality, it is defined in Webster’s dictionary as “being sexually attracted to both men and women.” In reality, there is no scale or rating system for people to rate their sexuality on.

So what happens when a bisexual person ends up in a monogamous relationship? Sometimes, it can be quite difficult for someone who is attracted to both genders to stay completely happy and fulfilled in a relationship with just one person. For some bisexuals, the desire is always there. While their partner may satisfy their sexual needs as much as humanly possible, there is always the other side of the sexual world that remains untouched. While many men claim that they would love to see their woman with another woman, it doesn’t always end up like that when it comes to serious relationships. Awful issues, such as jealousy, rear their ugly heads.

When you are bisexual, there are more rules that come into the picture than traditional relationships. You have to redefine what “cheating” means in the context of your relationship. Sometimes, it’s that doing anything with another person is still considered to be cheating, and other times it’s that doing anything with the opposite gender of your lover “doesn’t count.” In the last scenario, boundaries have to be established as to the amount of disclosure needed to keep things on a safe level. All in all, being bisexual and in a monogamous relationship offers a lot of additional technicalities that homosexual or heterosexual relationships may not have.

I have identified myself as a bisexual long before I ever knew that there was such a thing. I remember feeling the first pangs of sexual attraction for both boys and girls. Being a girl, myself, I wasn’t quite sure why I was developing crushes on girls. When I finally discovered the different “versions” of sexuality, it made sense. There was no denying my attraction to women. I’ve never wondered about that or had to question it. I don’t think I have ever, in my entire life, classified myself as straight. The only questioning I’ve ever done is whether or not I’m attracted to men as much as I think I am.

My first sexual partner was a guy, and I’ve always dated men. However, the first person I let go down on me was a girl, and it wasn’t but a couple short years after my first sexual experience. I seemed to be getting into everything at the same time. While the memories of sex, for the first few years I was at it, are pretty blurry, I still remember every detail of my first real time with a woman. After that experience, I was completely convinced that I was 100% bisexual, and I could enjoy sex with a woman just as much, if not more, than I do with a man.

During my first ‘real’ relationship, which carried over from my senior year of high school to first year of college, I had the first experience of being in a monogamous relationship with a man and having sexual experiences with a woman. My boyfriend at the time had always told me he was perfectly fine with me having sexual encounters with women “as long as he could watch”, because “it’s really hot.” Well, at a party we were attending, things got pretty serious between a girl and myself in his presence, but he was more upset than anything else. He told me he didn’t like seeing me with anyone else, no matter who they were. I felt a little trapped by my sexuality after this.

In the years I was single after that boyfriend, I had quite a number of experiences with women. Most of the time, they were one-on-one, or with other women included. Threesomes were a rare thing. When I’m with a woman, I want just her. I want us in our own vibe. I want to be able to gloss over every detail of her female form. I want to make love like women do. I don’t want a man there trying to interrupt things. In fact, I’ve hurt many a male lover’s feelings by shutting the door on them while I was with a woman. Being with a woman is on a completely different level than being with a man. It’s a level I can’t help but want to be on.

My attraction to women doesn’t end there. While I’ve been more romantically attracted to men, I have been head over heels in love with a woman, but that love met its match when the girl I loved was also bisexual. She and I were very close friends who had an incredible chemistry. We were very sexual and romantic with each other. Sooner than later, she confessed to me that she met a guy she really liked. The two of them ended up dating, and as her best friend, I was always around them. I developed a dangerous attraction to him, as well, which completed the love triangle. The dynamics of the relationship were, that he and I were off limits from anything with each other. This was never discussed, but very much implied. It was hard to see (or hear) them be affectionate with each other. I wasn’t sure who to be jealous of. Eventually, when the love triangle came out in the open, the whole thing fell apart, and I was cast aside by two people I cared so deeply about. I was incredibly heartbroken over losing the only girl I’d ever loved and have loved since. Even though it has been years since then, my love for that girl is still fresh in my heart.

I’m now in another monogamous heterosexual relationship where my lover completely satisfies me as much as a man will ever be able to. Still, I have this overwhelming desire to be with a woman again, and I’m not sure what to do with it. He is open to us bringing other women into the bedroom, but a threesome isn’t what I’m looking for. I begin to wonder if I will able to be fulfilled by just one person. I’m not sure whether I should try to sedate my desires or ask his permission. The last thing I would want is for him to feel like I’ve cheated on him, or betrayed his trust. I also wouldn’t want him to agree to something that he was uncomfortable with. It’s all a very delicate situation.

While people may think that being bisexual is all about having fun and being able to experience the best of both worlds, sometimes it isn’t. It causes you to have to define your relationships differently. Sometimes, it causes you to sedate your desires or deny a part of your sexuality. I’d give anything to be on one side of the fence or the other, but that’s not me. I’m a bisexual, no matter how difficult it is to handle sometimes. It’s something I’ll never be able to deny.

Am I proud to be bisexual? Heck yes I am. Have I been put down for it? Yeah, unfortunately. I wish the world would come around and accept everyone for who they are. We are ALL different! And that’s what makes all of us so great. Size, shape, race, sexuality; everything about us shouldn’t define us, and there shouldn’t any cookie cutter of what we’re supposed to be.

I think gay marriage is a great thing, and I know many other open minded people do as well. I know if I found a girl that I was super serious about I would love to be married to the same sex! And I love that many same sex couples have been able to have a wedding and be legally married. I just wish this concept was more widely accepted, and that all states would legalize gay marriage. Unfortunately, the world just isn’t ready for that yet.

I feel that in the workplace, you should be able to express who you are. Some employers discriminate against race and sex, but more do against sexual orientation. I know someone who is very openly gay, and they have not gotten a couple jobs that they are more than qualified for, and our best guess is it was because of homophobia.

I hate how so many LBGQT are always labeled and put down. Just because our sexuality is different than some others, doesn’t make us any different. I have been called “that gay girl” by some, and I’ve been put down and hurt because I’m not the same as everyone else. And as if that’s not enough, I’ve been told by others that I’m not gay because of many reasons. I just can’t win!

I can’t stand it when people are so judgmental. Yes, everyone has their rights to their own opinions. I love that we all think different things! But there’s no reason for someone to be so caught up in what they think is right that they have to mentally or physically hurt someone else because they’re different. Hate crimes make me so sad. I don’t understand why some people have to go through such hell and bullying.

Even in school, kids are made fun of! In high school I knew a gay boy, but he was in the closet except to his closest friends for fear of being bullied. Once he went off to college, he opened up and was so happy! I wish everyone could express who they are and what they like without others putting them down.

I love the gay pride celebrations throughout the country. I attend two in my area every year, and they make me so happy to be part of the gay community. Everyone celebrates who they are, and there’s no fear of being put down! There are rainbows everywhere, parades, and everyone seems so happy to be who they are. That’s the feeling that we should always have. We shouldn’t have to be afraid of discrimination. We shouldn’t have to worry what others will think. And we sure as hell shouldn’t be hurt for who we are. I wish that everybody in the LBGQT community could always live worry free and have the same rights as everyone else.

I’m sure there’s some more mature ways for me to address gay pride, but since I, like most men, have a 12-year-old boy just under the surface, and almost everything sexual for me ultimately inspires thoughts of lubrication (natural or otherwise, and regardless of gender combo), let’s talk about hot, wet slippery slopes. Or, more specifically, that slippery slope that begins with allowing same-sex marriages and ends with the legalization of the right to marry a honey badger, the collapse of the family structure, God-delivered natural disasters that wipe out whole states, and finally, the election of a Jersey Shore cast member to the U.S. presidency.

Or so I’m told by sources in the know at the Christian Coalition and the Tea Party.

While the month of June (it being June 11 as I write this) and various gay pride events therein, is certainly part of what has me thinking of same-sex marriage rights, a lot of it is also the fact that my state had an initiative on the ballot not that long ago to allow people with the same sexual parts to enter wedded bliss (or misery, depending on your opinion of marriage and experience with it personally) and, well, it got shot down. It was a close fight, but the naysayers won out. Plus, a guy came to my door just a few days ago to ask me for my opinion on advertising and campaigns opposed to same-sex marriage, and my opinion on the notion of letting Joe marry Peter or Theresa marrying Hannah.

My opinion: Hell, yeah! Why not? If a couple of grown folks want to try to spend the rest of their lives together, let ‘em. Besides, we need some area of growth in the economy right now, so why not the wedding industry?

But ohmigod…my toes just felt the first hint of Vaseline on the sidewalk, or silicone lube on the asphalt, or…and is that a downward incline of approximately a 15-degree angle? Aaiiiiieeee!

Yes, the slippery slope. Well, the immoral sexual relationship and unholy marriage one, anyway. It runs parallel to the slippery drug use slope, on which use of marijuana inevitably leads to cocaine and then to heroin and on to crystal meth and then to snorting drain cleaner. (If that slope is so slippery, by the way, why have most of my several uncles failed to graduate from pot yet, in all my 43 years of life? Hmmm.)

But actually, all (or at least some) snark aside, the slippery slope concept is worth considering. Because as with so many things in life, one thing often does lead to another, and acceptance of certain things can lead to acceptance of other things (good, bad or neutral). So, to what other milestones might same-sex marriage lead, if we finally see widespread implementation of laws that allow people to marry within their own gender?

But First, a Word from the Historians

Admittedly, I’m not a historian, but I dream of playing one on TV, and I’ve been known to read books and pay attention to things like, oh…reality. Before we get on to slippery slopes down which we will slide nude and screeching after gays and lesbians are allowed to marry, let’s look at the fine institution of heterosexual marriage and how it has never changed…oh, wait, it has?!

Look, the notion of two opposite-gender folks falling in love and getting married isn’t really traditional, historically speaking. If you want to get historical, people ended up in marriages arranged by older relatives (and in many parts of the world still do), or because it was convenient and necessary. Parents felt the need to unload their girls, which were often considered a drain on the family, and guys felt the need to build up their families for variety of reasons (often related to survival or economics), and so the two got matched up. That’s not to say that no one ever married for love in the ancient world or learned to love their partner—I’m sure it was a frequent occurrence. But marriage was not created originally to serve the needs of love, but to serve as a social contract and, in many cases, a property transfer (my daughter becomes your wife). The emphasis on the warm and fuzzy stuff developed very slowly over time.

Certainly, one can argue that “marriage values” took a hit with the arrival of more easily accessible divorce, but then again, that also enabled a large number of women to get away from ass-hats to whom they would have been tethered to for life in another era (while the men could probably spin around thrice, spit on the ground and say “I’m done with ye” to get rid of a wife in many eras past). And while divorce rates are admittedly high, people continue to get married and remarried, including an awful lot of the “family values” politicians out there. So the tradition of marriage remains alive and well, and like so many social constructs, has evolved even with the perceived horror that was “easy” divorce. And marriage will (and should) evolve to embrace same-sex couples throughout the United States and many other nations eventually.

Now, back to sliding down the KY-frosted steep hill.

Legalized Pedophilia

Why don’t we dispense with one of the most deeply crimson-hued of red herrings in the same-sex marriage slippery slope debate: That it will lead to acceptance and perhaps legalization of sexual activity with minors, and perhaps even the ability to marry children.

First off, I’m not gay—I’m not even bisexual—and even I’m deeply offended at the tendency to associate child sexual abuse with homosexuality. The two things aren’t on the same page. They’re not even in the same book. I’m pretty sure they aren’t even on the same shelf—and perhaps not even in the same ZIP code. The only thing they share is sexual contact, but that’s also true of geriatric sex and raping kids, and you can’t get much farther away from each other than those two.

Homosexuality, like heterosexuality, is about consensual sex between adults. Sure, youth can engage in both flavors of sex, too, but they generally do it with each other, so it’s the same difference. Pedophilia, however, is about lusting after or abusing humans who are immature, easily misled, often helpless (at least relatively so) and not of the age of consent. Homosexuality is an orientation; pedophilia is a crime.

What I find absolutely hilarious (as well as tragic and scary) about the Bible-thumpers and others who decry homosexuality and say acceptance of it will lead to pedophilia, is that they actually should be arguing in favor of marrying children off to adults. I mean, that’s pretty historically accepted prior to the modern age, and is very, very much in line with biblical-era traditions.

Thankfully, traditions of marrying off children is not the normal way of things in the country where I live, nor any country where I might want to live in the future, and I can pretty much promise that legalization of same-sex marriage won’t lead to societal support of pedophilia. Unless, of course, we go back to having an average lifespan of 30-something to 40-something years, in which case I imagine child brides (and sometimes grooms) will very much come back into vogue.

Polygamy

“If you let gays and lesbians marry, then next we’ll be seeing legalization of plural marriage,” some folks cry.

Well, they might be right, though the notion of a married pair is pretty ingrained in us culturally in the United States and the clear majority of other nations too, I suspect. So, I don’t know that there would be a huge groundswell of people who would want polygamy legalized, in the same way that many gays and lesbians—and straight, bi and transgender folks, for that matter—are calling out for marriage equality with regard to gender.

To be honest, same-sex marriage is probably a prerequisite for legalization of polygamy, as in modern-day society, there will be an assumption—often correct—that members of the plural marriage who share the same gender will need to have legal status with one another and not just with the opposite-gender partner(s). I don’t see polygamy being legalized in the U.S., for example, and everyone standing idly by while it is structured in patriarchal style alone, with one man and many wives, and all the legal status through him. A little too old-world to fly by the female voters and progressive male ones.

In any case, as one half of a marriage now entering into the polyamory and/or swinging communities, I don’t find anything particularly wrong with plural marriage, except that I think it could be a legal nightmare in terms of divorce, parental rights, inheritance and the like. Those sorts of complications are about the only valid argument I can see why this would even be a bad destination on the so-called slippery slope. And I prefer to think of those complications as challenges to be overcome, rather than stopping points.

But while there may be some tie-in and overlap between same-sex marriage and plural marriage, they really are two different issues.

Legalized Bestiality

I don’t hear this argument often, but there are people who think that the more gays and lesbians get footholds in society (hate crime protections, social acceptance, and perhaps one day full marriage benefits), the closer we get to women laying down with beasts, and men marrying goats and sheep.

If homosexuality and pedophilia are in different ZIP codes, homosexuality and bestiality are in different states—perhaps different nations. But one key common point is that, just as with pedophilia, a key issue is consent or, rather, lack thereof. Animals, like children, don’t have consent they can legally give, really—they don’t even have words to express what they want or what they don’t. So, it’s a non-issue, and there is no direct line or even logical circuitous path between same-sex marriage and acceptable or legalization of bestiality.

Besides, marrying your dog, gerbil, ferret or leopard gecko? They can’t even manage estates so inheritance laws alone would make legalization of cross-species unions pretty unlikely—so improbable, in fact, that it shouldn’t even be in the arguments and debates.

Incestuous Marriage

First comes same-gender nookie and marriage, and then brothers and sisters, mothers and sons, fathers and daughters and all sorts of other “keep it in the family” unions will follow.

Maybe. Maybe not. But even if it were so, I frankly can’t work up much energy to say “No! Never!”

Consenting adults, remember? If two grown folks are first-order relatives and want to get it on, shouldn’t that be their choice? Who are we to judge or choose for them? Besides, there is historical precedent for such unions going back millennia.

Look, I may find the notion personally repellant from a deeply ingrained sense of moral opposition to incest, but I’m not going to judge others in terms of who they pick to love among the many adult choices available. I can’t feel right with it in my own life, but I respect other adults’ decisions amongst themselves. I’ve read some really hot sibling-on-sibling erotica in the past, though in real life, I don’t know that I could even kiss one of my hot cousins, much less do something with my sister (if I had one). But that’s me. After all, I also wouldn’t marry a guy, but I would like for my gay friends to have that option with each other if they desire it.

About the only thing I can say that I would strongly argue, in terms of incestuous marriage limitations, would be that if they were made legal, there should be a high age threshold (say, the youngest person in the proposed marriage needs to be 25 or older) in the case of a parent-child marriage. There are issues of power and influence, and the marriage of a parent to someone still in their teens or shortly after them might involve coercion and manipulation of the sort that anyone else, even a sibling, would be hard-pressed to match.

Also, you can’t even really bring in the “two-headed babies” argument here again incest, because we don’t prohibit people from procreating when they are highly likely to pass on genetically inherited disorders. Even if two non-related adults had genes that made it a 50-50 chance their kids would get some nasty problem, we don’t get to tell them they can’t get married and have kids.

So, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that incest is best, but it theoretically could be something along the slippery slope, and I doubt society would crumble as a result. However, it’s not something we’re likely to see for a very, very, VERY long time. Think of the social stigma that revolves around incest. People don’t even feel comfortable most of the time coming out as being poly, many gays and lesbians still remain closeted, and kinksters often won’t admit their fetishes even to spouses. How much less likely, then, that people will admit to incest and champion the cause of first-order-relative marriages? So unlikely, and so small a population, that I just don’t see it anywhere in the foreseeable future.

Conclusion

OK, so yes, there is a marriage slip-and-slide potentially, and some areas that might gain steam if same-sex marriage became normalized. But even so, I don’t know how much we can really make a cause-and-effect with legalizing same-sex marriage and any other alternative/non-traditional marriage choices being accepted. Were things like polygamy and incestuous marriages, for example, to become accepted, I think it would have much more to do with society letting adults make adult decisions rather than to any precedent set by gays and lesbians.

The fact is that same-sex marriage would be exactly the same as traditional marriage, except for the gender mix. Given that we promise men and women the same basic rights and pretty much allow them to do all the same things (a few exceptions aside) here in my home nation of the United States, it seems pretty damn stupid if we don’t make marriage something between one adult and one adult, instead of one man and one woman.

As many have said, and rightly so, the sky will not fall if gays and lesbians get married. The only thing that will change in society, is that those people will be married. It hurts no one, takes nothing away from anyone, and doesn’t fundamentally alter the structure of our lives and our ability to carry out day-to-day activities.

So, in short, it’s time. If we find there is a slippery slope thereafter, I have a feeling it will be a lot less slick and a lot less steep than the conservative Chicken Littles are predicting.

Yep. I have two moms. My mom and my step mom live happily not far from me. My daughter has two grandmothers and she could care less. It is our normal.

Growing up, I had the typical family life. Mom, Dad, little sister, dog. We drove around in a station wagon and went to the cottage on weekends. When I turned 14, my parents split because my father was a verbally abusive alcoholic, and my mother refused to take the drunken mess and nasty words anymore. It was just a few years after that, we moved into the same building as the woman who would eventually be my mom’s wife.

They hung around a lot. Knowing that this woman was an open lesbian, I questioned my mom many times as to whether she was in a relationship with her or not. My mom always denied it, and although I understand her not being ready to come out, I was pissed that she was lying to me. She said they were just old friends catching up (they went to little school together so they have known each other a long time).

This went on for a long time. Many times, I found future step mom drunk as a skunk and not aware of where she was (she was just beyond the parking lot of the building). I would run home and tell mom I found her, again, and I couldn’t get her home. Mom would go get her, take her to her apartment, get her in bed, and come back to our place.

Eventually the time came. My mother admitted to me that she and future step mom were in a relationship, and they were planning to get a place together. I was fuming. Everyone thought I was mad because my mom was gay. Family members would call me, pleading with me to understand that she is happy regardless of the sex of the person she loved.

No one could understand that I didn’t care if she was gay. If you are happy, that is what counts. What ticked me off something fierce was the fact that my mother went through hell leaving my alcoholic father. Yet here she was getting right back into the same situation, just with another person.

It took me having to write a letter to my mother to get it through her head that I didn’t care if she was gay. I just hated that she left one drunk to be with another. When she finally understood, she came to me and we had a good talk. Future step mom was drinking a lot because she was ticked my mom was lying about their relationship. Now that it is out, she had cut down to just a few weekend beers and it has changed. I wasn’t going to believe it until I saw it with my own eyes, and sure enough it was true. Now that this was not another alcoholic relationship for my mother, I could be happy.

In 2002, they had a union in a friend’s back yard. Friends and family gathered. There was a huge party. It was a wonderful time. A year after that, the legalization of gay marriage was passed here and they quickly planned a ceremony in case it got overturned. My mother called me to dinner and asked if I would stand for her in two weeks time. The ceremony was small, maybe a dozen of us in a United church downtown, and off to drinks afterwards.

I often talk about my mom and step mom and I get the weirdest reactions. “Your mom and step mom hang out? That is a weird situation. It must bother your father.” It is like in this day and age people still cannot process a gay couple as my parents.

We are one big happy family now. Although those two old ladies drive me batty sometimes, I love them dearly. My daughter is proud that she has two grandmothers, and she is not afraid to tell anyone about it. We all live life and have fun, and I wouldn’t change life with my two moms for anything.

I had managed to get through 43 years of life with pretty clear sexual labels.

Then middle age had to go and fuck it all up.

Mind you, I’m not complaining, really. Middle age for my wife and me has brought a sexual reawakening the likes of which I never would have imagined, with us reaching a common ground that has allowed her to truly blossom and embrace her kinks (and discover many new ones), and for me to finally express my kinks openly and comfortably (and also discover new ones). By simply putting the missing pieces of the puzzle into place with our sexual lifestyles, we’ve gone from recently wondering if we need to part ways to suddenly not being able to get enough of each other and having a stronger relationship than ever.

But again, the labels. Dear God, I never knew there were so many labels for sexual identities, and I’ve been a kink-meister for a long, long time. Even if I couldn’t explore most of them personally, I’ve known more about most of them than I probably should.

I guess where I’m feeling adrift lately is in the explosion of some relatively new terms on the scene like polyamory, heteroflexible and homoflexible. And those would stick in my mind because the first two impact directly on my life but also confuse it greatly—and the third is a kissing cousin (so to speak) to number two in the list.

You see, my big sexual thing through most of my life has been the smoking fetish. That’s pretty simple and basic. There are many subsets of the fetish, and very niche areas that various people enjoy, but the basic gist is that if you have the fetish, you find smoking sexy. Simple. So too with my WAM (wet and messy) fetish, which ranks number two. There are many subsets, from wet jeans to mudplay to foodplay and more, but the overall theme is that you like things wet and/or messy. My liking of latex and leather, too, is easily and simply defined, and exists as a subset of both the clothing fetish arena and the dominance/submission arena.

Most fetishes and kinks I’ve known about in life follow a similar rule. Many variations, but the basic definition is clear. In terms of sexual lifestyles, too, I thought things were pretty cut-and-dried. For example, you were either straight, gay/lesbian, or bisexual. You either liked the other gender, you liked your own, or you liked both.

Then came heteroflexible and homoflexible, which I thought might add clarity, but only added more confusion, it seems. I hadn’t encountered these terms until my wife and I started getting on alternative dating sites and such, thanks to our pursuit of polyamory or something like it (more on that in a moment, because that’s messing with my damn mind, too). I have to assume the terms are fairly recently minted, because I’m pretty up-to-date with most sexual terms and hadn’t run across them.

Once I sorted out that homoflexible meant you generally like your own gender but sometimes go for the opposite one, and heteroflexible was the opposite (you have to admit, it could go either way etymologically speaking, so I don’t think I was wrong to be confused), I thought the labels would be a godsend for me. How wrong I was. Thing is, my wife would like to see me with another man. I’m not into guys, but I’m willing to do this for her, and am not freaked out by the possibility, nor do I resent the idea of doing it to make her aroused.

So, while I may not sexually desire other guys, I could see playing with one lightly or heavily if it made my wife hot (and/or the other guy). I figured, “Hey, perfect! I can identify as heteroflexible instead of bisexual, since I’m not technically bi.”

Oh how frickin’ wrong I was. I’ve ended up just labeling myself in profiles as hetero or straight ultimately, and explaining my potential for playing with guys if my wife was involved, because I quickly realized that there are several interpretations of what heteroflexible means, and I felt like I’d be a fraud…or just be unclear to some folks…if I called myself that.

I mean, to some it means essentially the same thing as bisexual, except that you trend much more strongly toward the opposite gender. To others, it means you’re situationally bisexual (that would be me), where certain circumstances must apply to bring out your bisexuality. Still others say it just means that if you bump up against a guy in a threesome, foursome or moresome, you don’t freak out and you go with the flow, and if something happens, like you “accidentally” suck his cock, that’s OK (but you won’t talk about it afterward and it will never happen again).

I’m sure there are other definitions, too, but in those three, I’m already confused enough and convinced that someone should have copyrighted the damn term and enforced their own definition for clarity’s sake.

And in the end, the only reason I felt a need to consider the use of heteroflexible was because my wife proposed we explore polyamory (my agreement to which is the genesis of all the great sex she and I are having recently, which ironically leaves us no time for extra partners right now). And so the added irony is that polyamory itself is a loaded term that invites plenty of debate, and sometimes bitter argument, over what it means and whether it has any relation to swinging. Which is probably why someone had to come up with the super long and awkward term “consensual non-monogamy” to serve as an umbrella for polyamory, polyfidelity, polygamy, polygyny, polyandry, open relationships, swinging, cuckolding and any other close relations.

I have to admit I’m not sure why there is such a territorial feeling around the term “polyamory” needing to literally mean (as some insist) “many loves.” I mean, I get it intellectually. I’m a writer; I comprehend the Latin roots. But when someone is “amorous” that doesn’t literally mean they’re in love with the other person in most cases. Latin roots certainly don’t get taken literally in all sexual contexts—for example, “pedophile” is a little misleading since it should probably just be “liking” kids, much like Francophiles simply like all things French. No one’s pushing for “pedoamory” as far as I know (not that I care to follow the exploits of NAMBLA and their ilk), or even really giving attention to the existing term “pederasty” much.

But getting back to my orignal point: Personally, it seems to me “polyamory” should be the umbrella term, as polyfidelity or some similar term could handle the role of letting people know you are committed to multiple partners and not simply fucking around with whomever, whenever.

Then again, no one asked me.

But again, it leaves me wanting. My wife and I are not, according to the definitions of polyamory purists, polyamorous. For one thing, we aren’t, and never have been, in a poly relationship yet. More to the point, neither of us is sure we even have the time or energy to truly and fully commit to a total relationship with one or more other people besides each other, even though we see immense value in having one or two other people in our lives. Hell, we can’t even find the time to date anyone else but each other. So, from that standpoint, we aren’t “seeking” love and commitment with multiple partners. We’re open to it, but we’re not chasing after it.

At the same time, we’re not sure we’re swingers either, because we’re not just hot and heavy into the idea of spouse-swapping or jumping into the sack with random humans both together and independently. We’d like to have some connection and some sense of friendship perhaps, before we start going at it between the sheets, or atop the counter, or amid the unfolded laundry.

Yet we’ve gone to a swinger event recently and found it to be far less debauched than we thought it might be, and very friendly and without pressure, in fact. And so, given our time constraints, we’ll probably attend more such events, in the hopes of getting to know people better, and possibly sleeping with them once we have a connection to them on a friendly basis. And maybe such a relationship, or relationships, could develop into something more loving in a literal polyamorous manner.

But still, it leaves us perplexed. We’re not really into swinging, and we’re not really committed to polyamory—whatever polyamory really is, if there is indeed a consensus. So, what are we?

Again, I’m not complaining, as such. These two areas of heteroflexibility (or something like it) and polyamory (or maybe swinging) represent explorations that have led to fantastic sex with my wife and a renewed strength of commitment and purpose between us, so I guess I can live with the confusion given the payoff.

But still, I do wish I knew what the hell to call myself before I accidentally attract a homoflexible, neo-Mormon, plural marriage proponent.

I’ve known I was bisexual since I was 12. I had started to find girls in my magazines pretty in different ways than other girls I knew did. I had my first “girl crush”. I didn’t think I was a lesbian, and I was nervous what everyone would think about it, so I kept quiet for years. I learned that you could like boys AND girls and still be normal when I was 14, and I also kissed one of my female friends on a dare. I loved it, and shortly after confided in some of my friends I was bisexual, and one of them said she was too. I finally felt like I understood my feelings about my sexuality.

Fast forward to high school, a lot of girls I knew said they were lesbians or bi and kissed each other, and it seemed like it was a trend. I kept my bisexuality hidden except for my friends, and I had a couple of boyfriends. When I saw those girls a couple years later, almost all of them were straight. Funny how that happened.

Late high school, I had a couple casual sexual encounters with my friends, but nobody had that emotional connection I wanted. After high school, I dated a few girls, but nothing ever grew into anything serious. I started pursuing girls more than guys and wondered if I would be considered a lesbian. I quickly nixed that after a lot of heartbreaks with girls.

While trying to meet girls, in the past and now, (my boyfriend is open to letting me be with girls, sexually or dating) I found out there are a few little problems. Many of the lesbian and bisexual women that I have met will NOT date a girl that has a kid. I know many men won’t either, so I’ve been used to that. But with many of the women I pursued, their biggest problem wasn’t the idea of me having a child, it was that they assumed since I had a child there was no way I could actually like girls and be emotionally involved with them. I’ve been told that multiple times, and to this day, I’m told I’m not really bisexual because I have a kid.

I call bullshit.

I can be attracted to, and want to be with whomever I want, regardless of anything else. Females can’t assume that just because I’ve been with men doesn’t mean I can’t be just as, if not more, emotionally invested in a girl-girl relationship.

There’s a second factor with me that girls don’t like, and I am pretty understanding about this one. I know a few bi girls that say they’re up for casual sex, but since I have a boyfriend they won’t be with me. I think it’s completely understandable if someone doesn’t want to date or be with someone if they’re in a relationship. I can’t say anything about that. But, when certain girls find out I’m bisexual, they seem to disagree with me that I’m bi since I am in a LTR with a man. I know lots of other girls that are bisexual but with a man. That’s like saying, if you’re bi and with a female that you don’t really like men so you’re a lesbian!

Maybe I just know too many judgmental people, because online it doesn’t seem like people will say you’re wrong about your sexuality, and there seems to be a lot more girls in a similar situation as me than I thought.

Something has really been on my mind since yesterday. I went fishing with a friend of mine yesterday afternoon. Just two women having fun fishing and laying out, while getting away from the real world for a little while. We spent a few hours just escaping from the hassles of day to day life, being wives, mothers, maids and such. On the way home we decided to stop at a little neighborhood bar and have a couple of cold beers before re-entering the real world.

So we stop in this little bar and sit down. This guy comes up that I have never seen, but the girl that I am with knows him vaguely. We are all sitting and talking for a little while, and he mentions a girl that just started working with my friend. After a few more minutes of conversation he says “Yeah, she is alright but I don’t know which way she swings.” I am sitting there wondering why he would just pop off with that while talking to me, whom he doesn’t know, and her that he knows very little. I stayed silent.

A few seconds later he starts talking about lesbians and just gets more annoying with every breath that he takes. He is, at this point, saying things about how disgusting gays are, and how it makes him sick to his stomach, blah, blah, blah. At this point, my views on staying silent have changed, and I am looking at him like the asshole that he is being. I figure well, if you are in a public place and want to get so vocal about something that is personally offending me, then I have just as much right to state my feelings just as vocally. Anyone who knows me will tell you that while I am a relatively calm person, there is only so much stupidity that I can tolerate before I lose my composure. And lose my composure I did. I proceeded to ask him what gives him the right to judge anyone on who they want to be with, whether it is in a relationship or just having sex. I went on to tell him just how insecure he must be in his own sexual awareness that he felt the need to publicly talk bad about a large part of our society that he doesn’t even know, and who probably wouldn’t give his ignorant ass the time of day anyway. After a few moments of me questioning his ability to even get an erection, he stormed away from our table and out the door. My blood was boiling at this point.

After I got home, I figured that this would just blow over. I had no idea how much this was going to upset me. My teenage daughter has recently come to the realization that she is most likely bisexual, not knowing which sex she is most attracted to. We have a wonderful relationship and talk about everything. I have told her not to worry about what other people think about her personal life choices. She has lost “friends” because of her decision to date one of her female friends, and I told her, “Well, they weren’t you friends in the first place then.” But as I sat there and listened to this idiot ramble on, it struck me very close to home. I mean, I didn’t know this guy, and his opinion should not have mattered to me. But it did.

Why should it become someone’s right to be judge, jury and prosecutor of people because you don’t understand their choices? How does it become okay for you to solely base your decision of someone on what they do in the privacy of their own lives? Something that does not affect any aspect of your life. Something that you don’t have to see. Something that you can walk away from if it offends you. How is this acceptable behavior from adults? It’s not! It is not acceptable from anyone who has the ability to think and educate themselves on matters before they open their mouths.

When we are born, we don’t judge on how someone looks or how someone dresses. We don’t judge people on where they live or who they love. Children judge on a more personal basis. They see people for how they treat them, they love unconditionally. It is only after listening to ignorant people, like the man at the bar, that they learn to judge on things that in a perfect world would not be an issue. It is the parents and society that make little girls think that they have to look like Barbie, or little boys can’t cry, because it isn’t manly.

So who do we blame? This guy has probably been hearing things like this his whole life. I say we blame ourselves, only we can change this. As a parent I can only hope that I give my children the knowledge that we are all different in too many ways to count. That they can’t judge people on things that they have no control over. There are too many bad people in this world, people that intentionally harm others, to put hate in something as trivial as their sexuality.

I think that as I am typing this, that I have more pity than anger for this man. Who knows what his life may be like or what he has had to go through in it? I hope that someday he will come to realize that life is what you make it, and it is always better with a diversity of wonderful people surrounding you. I would, however, put money on the fact that he will probably never approach a female at the bar and start bad-mouthing lesbians again without knowing them a little better.

I guess all that I can do is be the best person that I can be, the best parent that I can be. To try to give my children the skills to make judgements on things that matter in life, on things that people do that actually affect them and their lives. I can be a true friend to the people that I love and care about. I can try to inform people who maybe aren’t aware that their words do cut, even if they aren’t directed at the person or people that they are targeting. Hopefully if enough people will stand up to others like this, then someday maybe this will become a world where people are accepted for the good that they have to offer, and not judged by things that should not matter.

As a mother of four children, three of them teens, I pride myself on being available for my them to talk to about whatever they need, whenever they want. Don’t get me wrong, there is a fine line between parenting and being a friend. I am definitely a parent, but I believe that you can be their friends, to an extent. I want them to feel that I really do have their best interest in mind, and that maybe mom does have a little more life knowledge than what they initially think I do. I have raised them to know that they can come talk to me about whatever is going on in their lives. That, even if we don’t see eye to eye on the answers to things, that we can discuss them and they won’t get in trouble for coming to me when they have a question. I try to keep that door open to them.

Today’s teens have a lot of different issues to face than we did when I was a teen. Eating disorders, cutting, increased drug use, and gang activity have all increased, or at least become more widely noticed now, than they were years ago. A lot of parents don’t want to hear that their kids are facing these issues on a daily basis, at school as well as pretty much anywhere that they spend any amount of time. They are faced with just these kinds of things daily. Faced with some of the toughest decisions imaginable, we hope that the values we have taught them will stick with them. But if we don’t keep open lines of communication, how do we know? Simple…we don’t!

A few months ago my 15 year old daughter told me “Mom, I want to talk to you about something, but I don’t want you to be mad at me, and I don’t know how to tell you.” She’s the head cheerleader, popular, a vivacious girl that I absolutely adore. My heart hit the floor. My first thought was ‘Oh God, she’s pregnant, or has an S.T.D’, then 20 other things ran through my head before I could catch my breath. As I braced myself for the worst, I told her “I love you with all my heart and soul and nothing that you tell me is ever going to change that.” She started talking, she told me that even though she had recently had a “boyfriend” that she talked to at school, there was a girl that she had become very close to, and they really liked each other. She said that she thought that she was bi-sexual, and was having really strong feelings for this girl. She was really torn about this and did not want to upset or disappoint anyone. I almost busted out laughing with relief.

We had a long conversation about the fact that…(1) I believe that she is too young to be in a serious relationship, but I do respect her right to have certain privileges that she has earned. (2) We cannot choose who we have feelings for, whether they be male or female.  (3) That I would support her decision in who she is, and she has to be true to herself and not worry about what society may throw her way. I think we both breathed a sigh of relief. After this I decided to do a little research on the subject.

I spent hours reading articles online about different studies that have recently emerged on teenage homosexuality and bisexuality. A lot of people think that this is a stage, researchers disagree, and so do I for the most part. While I think that maybe some kids will try a lot of things simply for the shock value, most truly have these feelings that they can’t squash even if they try. There is a lot of information and support for teens at about.com. Reuters reported in October 2010 that 1 in 10 teens have same sex partners. Two times as many as previous research showed.  According to various websites that have been studying different aspects of teen behavior such as, sciencedaily.com, moneytimes.com and yale.edu , 38-40% of homosexual and bisexual teens are more likely to be singled out for punishment in schools and arrested for crimes. Those statistics frighten me, as they should any parent. What has society been teaching people? You would think that in the year 2011 we would have grown above and beyond this, but new research shows that this is not the case.

I have come to a new understanding with myself now. I vocally and vehemently support my daughter in this decision. Who is society to decide who she can and can’t love? It should be enough that she lives a good life and doesn’t do harm to others. There are so many parents that do not stand beside their children in this choice, but that is exactly what it is…a choice. It isn’t mine, or anyone else’s to make. It’s hers and hers alone. I have talked to the girl that she is seeing, and she is a very nice young lady as well. Her parents aren’t supportive at all, that is sad to me because they have so many others things that they have to deal with. They need the support of the people that they love and trust the most. They should not have to worry about disappointing us for something that they have no control over. I will continue to cheer in my daughter’s corner, and do whatever I can to make this as easy for her as humanly possible. And let it be known that God be with the person that ever does her wrong because of it!

During my sophomore year of college, I began to encounter many more queer people than I had ever met in my pre-university days. These people were totally open and comfortable about their sexualities and non-cis identities. I felt so empowered by these people that I—ohmigosh!—came out to them. I started cross dressing often, and packing, and overall changing my appearance to match that of my “inner self”. I was on a huge power trip, and went from appearing totally cis myself to undeniably queer, which of course, there is nothing wrong with, except the fact that I threw away and hated my femininity.

Not only was it very unhealthy for my long term relationship to do that, but it also really hurt me. The excitement and love I felt from being out with my friends, gave me such a high that I was losing sight of who I really was and what queer really means. I was building my new identity upon a sexism that was hurting me by attempting to prove that those things didn’t apply to the new, masculinized me. But this masculine identity was also based on the very gender binary that had troubled me so. Although I had good intentions, it ended up to be completely backward thinking.

Over time, I came to realize the dead end street I was on. I was continuously frustrated about sexism and my own gender, and even my sexuality. I slowly stopped cross dressing and worrying myself about these issues, having seen that they were a major stressor in my life. I then decided to go the complete opposite way. I was exploring and searching out the type of material femininity you see in magazines. I always liked cute things and the color pink. (Neither of which are exclusive to femininity!) I began feeling a lot more confident about the skin I was in, and took pleasure in the simple things instead of constantly being so extreme and opinionated.

Now, I’m coming closer and closer to that middle road. I threw out most of my cross dressing “equipment”. I grew my hair out. I stopped pressuring my cis partner to have sex that he wasn’t comfortable with. I stopped hating my female anatomy, in favor of enjoying what I have and cannot change. A little over a year ago, I despised queers that “turned cis” or “gave up their battle”. I’ve come to understand, though, that not everyone goes about being queer and supporting it in the same way, which is what makes queerdom so awesome. Am I a woman? Absolutely. In the conventional, American sense? Absolutely not. And I’m cool with that now.

At the end of the day being queer isn’t about pushing away one thing for another. Even if you’ve faced unjust sexism, that’s more reason to just be who you are. There’s no need to fit in some predefined box of what it means to be queer, transperson, gay, bisexual, and so on. Be the real you who obscures those absurd social lines without turning into something you’re not.