In the world today people are coming and going constantly, whether it be to pick up the kids from soccer practice, or rushing to work so you aren’t more than 15 minutes late. Some mornings we barely have the time to kiss our significant other goodbye, and some nights when we come home we’d honestly rather sleep than waste our precious Z’s on a quickie.

But really, how do you make time for sex when you have such a busy life? Well, my first answer for you is, to not give up. There are ways to make the time, but it isn’t always easy. Sex, just like any other aspect to a healthy relationship, requires time and effort. Not just a little bit of effort either. No matter what age you are, this problem is totally normal. Everyone hits a dry spot from time to time, but the good news is that there is a way out.

Here are a few tips that I hope will be of use for you and your partner. A few of them may sound silly, but I guarantee they will work out for you in the long run, if not right away. You can try them all at once, or one at a time. However, I recommend trying them all slowly over time, or a few in combination,  to see what works for you.

1.  Keep a daily/weekly planner – You were required to do this in middle school, and you probably have one for work. Now it’s time to make one for your personal life. Start by simply writing down what you know you have to do over the week. Write down your cousin’s 21st birthday party, and even write down the hours you’ll be working. If you need to grocery shop, find an open space or two and schedule that time for shopping.

After you’ve written down your week’s plans, look at all the open spaces. Simply ask your significant other what times he/she has off during the upcoming week. The time slots that match up are the time slots where you need to go for the gold! Those are the days that you need to see if someone can cover that last hour at work, or see if your sister can babysit the kids for a night. Try everything you can to make time for you and your sweetheart.

2.  Stay motivated, and keep your partner motivated – Once you’ve found out when you have time to slip in some love-making, get yourself motivated. Maybe stop by the lingerie shop, or purchase a sexy outfit from EdenFantasys to spice things up. EdenFantasys also has some really awesome kits for a special night, such as the Weekender Kit by KamaSutra, or the Sweet Heart Chocolate Box Kit by KamaSutra. These little things will get you excited, and keep you motivated for a long-needed night of intimacy that lies ahead for you and your lover.

3.  Get distractions out of the way – When you have some spare time to yourself, get the distractions out of the way. If you know your lover is constantly upset about the dishes not being done before bed, get them done while he/she is away at work. If the kids are always walking in, see if a family member or friend can babysit them for the night. The faster you can get things done, the better – leaving more time for you and your significant other to have sex.

4.  Don’t overwork yourself – Take another look at your schedule. Do you see any tasks that can afford to wait until the following week? Are there any tasks from the next week that are easy enough to get done today, rather than next Saturday? Feel free to make any appropriate switches. Get things done today that can get done without wearing yourself out, but if you’re already feeling tired, try to move things around in your schedule without cutting into your intimate time.

Take naps, if you have the time during the day. Even if it’s only for 30 minutes to an hour, it can benefit you greatly and increase your energy later in the day. If you’re planning to make love during the day, get your rest at night, to leave you energized for your following work day. I cannot “stress” this tip enough – no pun intended – overworking yourself leads to unnecessary stress, and will take away from a good night of sex in some cases.

5.  Do not get upset if it doesn’t work out – You will try, and you will fail from time to time. Maybe even a little more than expected. Simply keep working at it, and remember not to be upset with yourself or your partner if things don’t work out. Don’t throw a fit when the sex wasn’t as good as you wanted it to be. Don’t roll over and make dirty comments when your partner says he/she is too tired. If they get mad at you, hold back as much as you can, and try to explain how you really meant to try.

Fighting never benefited anyone, so keep that in mind. There’s other ways to enjoy your love besides having sex. If you know there’s a night where things just won’t work out, rent a movie and enjoy a lovely night on the couch cuddling with your lover as you watch a romantic comedy… Or a horror movie, if that’s what you’re into!

6.  Talk to your doctor – Unfortunately, as some of us age, our sex drive ages as well. We may not be as interested in sex as we used to be, and some of us lose all interest completely. This is normal, and nothing to be ashamed of. Your doctor can simply recommend a vitamin supplement such as AZO Intimacy, or put you on hormone therapy to help increase your libido. This can also help your lack of energy, which surprisingly plays a huge part in your sex life.

7.  Talk to your partner – Before you do any of the things above, sit down and talk to your partner. Don’t do it at the dinner table, but do it in the bedroom. Don’t whine, cry, or get upset. Simply talk about it. Explain that you are trying several things to help improve your love life in the bedroom, and ask them if they can help as well. Maybe you just want them to acknowledge that you are trying, and if that’s the case, talk to them about that.

Talking is key to fixing any problem in a relationship. You’d be surprised just how one conversation can change everything! You may be very pleased with the results you get from just have one conversation with your loved one.

These are some of the best tips out there, and if you put effort into practicing them, you will notice a huge change in not only your sex life, but your entire relationship. You will be able to manage your time better, learn what works best for you and your partner, and finally get back to enjoying sex like you were once able to. Every healthy relationship needs a little bit of regular intimacy to function correctly, and it’s never too late to start up again!

Happy Love Making!

Yep. I have two moms. My mom and my step mom live happily not far from me. My daughter has two grandmothers and she could care less. It is our normal.

Growing up, I had the typical family life. Mom, Dad, little sister, dog. We drove around in a station wagon and went to the cottage on weekends. When I turned 14, my parents split because my father was a verbally abusive alcoholic, and my mother refused to take the drunken mess and nasty words anymore. It was just a few years after that, we moved into the same building as the woman who would eventually be my mom’s wife.

They hung around a lot. Knowing that this woman was an open lesbian, I questioned my mom many times as to whether she was in a relationship with her or not. My mom always denied it, and although I understand her not being ready to come out, I was pissed that she was lying to me. She said they were just old friends catching up (they went to little school together so they have known each other a long time).

This went on for a long time. Many times, I found future step mom drunk as a skunk and not aware of where she was (she was just beyond the parking lot of the building). I would run home and tell mom I found her, again, and I couldn’t get her home. Mom would go get her, take her to her apartment, get her in bed, and come back to our place.

Eventually the time came. My mother admitted to me that she and future step mom were in a relationship, and they were planning to get a place together. I was fuming. Everyone thought I was mad because my mom was gay. Family members would call me, pleading with me to understand that she is happy regardless of the sex of the person she loved.

No one could understand that I didn’t care if she was gay. If you are happy, that is what counts. What ticked me off something fierce was the fact that my mother went through hell leaving my alcoholic father. Yet here she was getting right back into the same situation, just with another person.

It took me having to write a letter to my mother to get it through her head that I didn’t care if she was gay. I just hated that she left one drunk to be with another. When she finally understood, she came to me and we had a good talk. Future step mom was drinking a lot because she was ticked my mom was lying about their relationship. Now that it is out, she had cut down to just a few weekend beers and it has changed. I wasn’t going to believe it until I saw it with my own eyes, and sure enough it was true. Now that this was not another alcoholic relationship for my mother, I could be happy.

In 2002, they had a union in a friend’s back yard. Friends and family gathered. There was a huge party. It was a wonderful time. A year after that, the legalization of gay marriage was passed here and they quickly planned a ceremony in case it got overturned. My mother called me to dinner and asked if I would stand for her in two weeks time. The ceremony was small, maybe a dozen of us in a United church downtown, and off to drinks afterwards.

I often talk about my mom and step mom and I get the weirdest reactions. “Your mom and step mom hang out? That is a weird situation. It must bother your father.” It is like in this day and age people still cannot process a gay couple as my parents.

We are one big happy family now. Although those two old ladies drive me batty sometimes, I love them dearly. My daughter is proud that she has two grandmothers, and she is not afraid to tell anyone about it. We all live life and have fun, and I wouldn’t change life with my two moms for anything.

So as a divorced-single woman in her 30′s and living in the modern age in which the world of dating has opened up from the local bar to the World Wide Web, I had joined a dating service to test the waters and see what’s out there in the oceans of spam and trolls. But as my friends and family know, I didn’t join just any old dating site or any of the popular ones advertising the finding of one’s soulmate.

I joined a dating site featuring British men.

A Brit man meat market! Wow, my kind of place!!! Where’s my shopping cart?

The premise is simple – British chaps across the world want to have relationships with women outside their culture, and the creators (British husband and American wife) made the site for these gents and the exotic ladies who want them. With a free profile and a very low one-time registration fee for Total Site Privileges, this seemed like a nice place to indulge in my Anglophilia fetish.

With registry and profile-making out of the way, I set to browsing the several hundred Brit-man profiles on the site, featuring everything from Hugh Grant wannabes to Sean Connery wannabes. Not to mention the alarming number of Christopher Eccleston wannabes with big ears and short-cropped hair.

But I noticed something about the profile pictures on these things. Lots of somethings. And I had to do my own something about it to address such a travesty.

Hence, here is the top ten list of which profile pictures shouldn’t be posted if you’re looking for a serious relationship …

10. Holding an Alcoholic Beverage: Sure, it may be one of your best casual pictures, but nothing screams ‘alky’ more than looking buzzed and holding a beer. Points must be given for honesty about your character, though.

Most Original Example: Not only holding a beer, but also being groped by a drunk woman wearing a short skirt, with her leg hitched up around your waist. For your profile picture on a dating site. Klassy with a capital ‘K’.

9. Non-Use of Flash: Dude, we want to see what you look like, not your outline. A flash will not sunburn your lovely pale skin. For all we know the photo is really of your cousin Ralphie. For all you know, it might actually be.

Most Original Example: “I’ll use this photo of me in the cave without a flash. You can just make out my cell phone.”

8. Sitting at Your Work Desk: Yes, yes, you’re a hard worker, and you’re really married to your job; you just want a housekeeper to look after your place and cook your dinner. Well, likely not, but desk photos are pretty lame, including the forced smile.

Most Original Example: Web cam picture while you’re sitting at your desk … and the background has a nudie poster. Fail.

7. The Other Woman: Really, chaps, is it THAT hard to find a photo of yourself WITHOUT another woman in it? We’re shopping for you, not the woman with her tongue in your ear.

Most Original Example: Nothing says ‘clueless’ faster than a profile photo of you dancing with a woman wearing a wedding dress. Especially when she’s drunk enough to have to hang on you to standing up.

6. The Bathroom Shot: Yeah, it’s convenient, but most cameras have a timer. Use it. I don’t want to see your bathroom, or your streaky mirror, or the camera in front of your face. Leave that for teenagers on Facebook. You’re looking for an adult relationship, take pictures like an adult.

Most Original Example: I really didn’t need to know about the hemorrhoid cream on your sink ledge. But thank you for helping me make up my mind. Next.

5. Reenactor Character: It’s cool that historical reenacting is one of your hobbies, but it should not be your profile picture. You really don’t look like your everyday self.

Most Original Example: “My role in my reenacting troop is the Executioner.”

4. You Like My Muscles: You know, we can tell you have muscles under a shirt. You really don’t have to take off your shirt and show them off. Oh, and you look American by doing that. Real turn-off.

Most Original Example: I am not lying, one guy looked like an albino gorilla with an outrageously bulked up top and skinny waist and legs.

3. In the Middle of a Group: Which one are you? Come on, I have to decide which one of these three guys is you? Couldn’t you have found a pic of you by yourself? Or were you holding a beer in that one?

Most Original Example: “Hair: blond Eyes: blue Height: 6′ Race: white” … ALL THE GUYS IN THE PIC HAVE THE SAME DESCRIPTION! Give us a clue! Better yet, I’ll give you a piece of paper with the word “CLUE” written on it.

2. Poor Cropping: Is PaintShop that hard to figure out? I want to see more than half your face and definitely the top of your head. It’s not artistic, it’s annoying.

Most Original Example: Well, yes, your headline does match – “British Guy with One Blue Eye”. But is there anything else to your face besides the one blue eye? Maybe another blue eye, nose, cheeks, mouth, chin … I hope you got the point.

1. Inappropriate Clothes: Do you really think American chicks of any quality will be impressed by your sports’ jerseys, or low-brow humor t-shirts? And the cowboy hat … give us a break. That’s SO American redneck.

Most Original Example: T-shirt of a naked chick with her legs open. Yeah, that’s really attractive and gentlemanly. Okay, so your Mum didn’t dress you, but please exercise a bit of taste.

Just remember: friends don’t let friends post bad profile photos.

I’m all dressed up for a date with the husband. I look at myself in the mirror, smile at what I see, and the smile gets even bigger as I notice the husband respond in quite a, um, positive way. He’s positively hard. I feel smoking hot, ready to take on the world, oozing with confidence. I bat my eyelashes at the husband as I watch him salivate.

We go out. I feel gorgeous. I feel so loved. Nothing can rain on my parade.

But then, something does.

I see a gorgeous girl with a hot body. I quickly look at the husband out of the corner of my eye, to check if he has seen the girl. He has. Based on the expression on his face, I can tell he definitely doesn’t hate what he has seen.

He can tell I’ve caught him looking, so he takes his eyes off her. Or he gives me a sheepish grin and shrugs. Either way, a significant change in my mood has already taken place. I glare at him. He touches me and tells me repeatedly how beautiful I am. It doesn’t matter; I no longer feel like I’m the queen of the world. I blame him for the damage to my pedestal.

He explains to me that there’s nothing wrong with looking. Men are programmed to look. “Our biological engineering makes it impossible for us not to look when there is an attractive female in our line of sight.” (Yes, he talks that way in real life. No shit.) Based on research I have done (read: Googling “is it normal for men in relationships to fantasize about other females”), he’s right. According to most articles online, it’s not cheating when your man looks at and fantasizes about another attractive female. Some claim it’s actually healthy. Maybe it is.

That doesn’t mean I like it.

Yes, I guess the age-old adage “Look, but don’t touch” should stand. I concede to that, grudgingly. Intellectually, I agree. If I approach relationships in a scientific manner, then the fact that hot women catch my man’s attention will not bother me at all. My emotions, meanwhile, are staging a revolution. And my ego is definitely on their side.

Looking without touching is absolutely acceptable, the husband and his band of brothers say. Men claim they should be allowed to stare all they want. I repeat, I don’t like it. It almost feels like I’m being cheated on when his eyes see someone else besides me.

If it were up to me, the policy would be “Don’t look, don’t touch.”

But maybe that’s just me.

According to an Australian I once dated, Filipinas are some of the most possessive women in the world. I’m Filipina. Hell yes, I’m possessive.

But for all intents and purposes, I’m an adult now. And, in spite of myself, I can be quite the realist. This means that I force myself to feel like the queen of the world again, even after being shown up by another queen. I tell myself that other women can be so much more beautiful than I am, yet I will remain a queen in the husband’s eyes. They always return to me. At the end of the day, it is I who holds his gaze.

When I realize this, a smile lights up my face again, and the glow returns to my cheeks. My heart skips a beat as I feel his desire. I will always be his goddess.

Sometimes, other goddesses shine so bright, he’s compelled to look. That’s when his gaze veers to the left or the right, for an itty-bitty minute or two. I forgive him for this, although the forgiveness is done with a scowl. Despite this, love still floods my heart. I know his heart. And I know where his loyalty lies.

As long as no other part of his anatomy strays, all remains well in our marriage.

All remains well in our bedroom, too.

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages…”
— Jaques (Act II, Scene VII, lines 139-143), Shakespeare, As You Like It

If you’ve read some of the articles I’ve posted here on Eden Cafe, you probably know that my husband and I aren’t the typical couple. We are polyamorous pagan-types, with not much interest in organized religion or traditional relationship models. So when it came to getting married, we had a lot of decision to make about things that most people take at face value without a lot of questioning.

Did we want to sign a marriage contract that ostensibly committed to signing all our potential future children over as property of the Queen (we’re Canadians), and admit that any sex outside the confines of our relationship would be tantamount to infidelity, regardless of our own personal agreement, and not only reason for divorce, but essentially illegal? Short answer – no, we did not.

Who would we ask to perform our marriage ceremony? Who could we trust to perform such a sacred service to our specifications? Would our friends and family recognize our choice even if we didn’t sign a standard license or have an “authorized official” officiate? Could we cast a circle and invoke sacred space without freaking out our born-again Christian relatives? How could we convince our parents that an “open marriage” is just as real as a monogamous one?

All of this was beside the other things we needed to decide on – invitations, flowers, food, drinks, location – which we did as much on our own as possible, with an incredibly small budget. We sent our invitations printed on the backs of traditional Rider-Waite tarot cards (which came with descriptions already printed on them under the images), cooked our own Indian buffet and had a friend make the cake, my mother grew the spring flowers herself and created the bouquets, and we made gallons upon gallons of wine, beer and mead for an open bar. We chose an outdoor location in the northern climes of South-Western Ontario, a risk for our May 2nd date, overlooking the Niagara escarpment and the Beaver Valley. My mother sewed my dress herself in silver satin, and my husband wore a traditional kilt in his family tartan. Our friends who represented the elements and natural forces we called in, as well as our two witnesses, all wore matching blue velvet cloaks so they could put on whatever they wanted underneath. All told, I think we spent less on our entire wedding than the cost we were quoted by the only caterer we considered, and my wedding party didn’t have to pay anything other than the gas money to drive up for the two-day event.

After some discussion, we asked two very close friends of ours – a husband and wife who had been priest and priestess to our close knit group of pagan friends for some time – to do the honours of tying our knots. With their input, I wrote the rituals myself – a May 1st Beltane Eve celebration to honour the spring God & Goddess with our nearest and dearest, and the wedding itself the following afternoon. My husband and I each wrote our own vows, which we kept in confidence until we spoke them aloud that day. It was an event that was completely unique, totally self-made and perfectly us.

I have published the full wedding ritual on my own blog, (http://getsexsavvy.com/blog/?p=176) but today what I really want to talk about are the roles we chose to play in the day-to-day. While my husband’s vows closely paralleled the traditional:

“I do solemnly vow to love you fully and completely for all our days, to hold my esteem in your eyes above all others, to dedicate my life to service of the power of love, enthroned in you, to never let you go, in hunger, sickness or ill health”

… mine were a bit more centered around the idea of roles in our relationship, rather than specific acts or situations. My Vows stated:

“I do solemnly vow to be your anima, your goddess, your priestess, your muse, and to help you see these things in the faces of all others.”

Many individuals, especially in the kink community, devote themselves to specific roles of service or dominance when they enter into a lifelong relationship. My roles, while they are a testament to my dedication to my relationship with my husband, are not just about my service to him. They are, as my husband said in his own vows, my service to “the power of love, enthroned in” my partner. To each other, we are love incarnate, god and goddess, the divine masculine and the divine feminine in the dance of life, love, sex and death. Each of these roles not only describes my perceived roles, but the reciprocal roles that my husband takes to compliment our experiences.

Anima (and animus)
In Jungian psychology, the anima and animus are the two primary archetypes of the unconscious. The masculine mind is said to express its unconsciousness through the feminine personality (the anima) and vice versa. Couples are often counseled to be careful not to confuse the reality of their partner’s own personality with the project of the anima or animus onto the object of affection. By recognizing these hidden personalities in ourselves and each other, we are able to “take on” this personality, to mirror each other in times of great need and self-reflection, then put the mirror away so we can see each other more clearly for who we really are and what we truly desire.

Goddess (and god)
The concept of the divine feminine is vital to my personal belief system and my call as a sacred sexual priestess (we’ll get to that soon). One very specific role of priestesshood, is the ability to take on the face of the Goddess, to let go of myself long enough for the divine feminine to shine through me, to reach out and touch someone… literally and figuratively. There are many goddesses whom I can become, and there is The One, she who is the perfect match for the divine masculine in my mate. Together we strive to be the best, the most sacred that we can be.

Priestess (and priest)
Aside from the act of “aspecting” (putting on the face of) the Goddess, my role as a priestess is complex and varied. I am in very many ways still learning what this means for me – teaching, directing, healing, nurturing, tending, worshipping, praying, creating. As a priestess I am an artist, a writer, a singer, a dancer… I tend our gardens and make good food, I am mistress of my own fertile body and work to understand the sacred cycles of life and time. In the tarot, the High Priestess is the harmonizer, the keeper of women’s mysteries, and she who weaves and masters the dualistic nature of the universe, moving seamlessly between the physical and the spiritual in the same way that The High Priest of the tarot makes it his work to bring the sacred “down to earth”. These archetypes are master (and mistress) of their own domain, together we make the world in the image of our higher selves.

Muse (and artist)
In ancient myth, the muses were goddesses themselves, keepers of sacred knowledge, which they passed down to humans in poetry, prose, song and dance. Calliope is the muse of epic poetry, Clio of history, Erato of lyrical and sexual poems, Euterpe of music, Melpomene of tragedy, Polyhymnia of sacred verse, Terpsichore of dance and song, Thalia of comedy, and Urania of astronomy and astrology. In more general terms, a muse is one who inspires, who doesn’t create beauty herself, but makes space for beauty to become reality through another. Through my love and devotion, my husband finds his place in the world to bring about his own true beauty, his own great works. He is safe to write, to make music, to record history, to dance and sing, to laugh and make jokes, to write love letters and gaze at the stars. In the comfort of his arms, I am afforded the same freedom.

The Faces of All Others?
Well yes. That is what polyamory is all about for us, about learning that our true love is only the beginning, that our sacredness doesn’t negate that which is holy in the hearts and minds of others, but instead makes it even more special, even easier to draw out and to praise. The strength of our bond is not just the safety we each share to become our own true selves, but the comfort we can give to others to do the same. This path doesn’t end with us… we are only the beginning.

As I approached the one-year anniversary of my mother’s death, I started to take stock in all the ways I’ve changed over the past year. Some things were in the works long before Mom died, but others were a direct result of this. See, my mom was 53 years old, and as a 30-year old woman, that seems awfully young. It is awfully young, to be honest. A sense of urgency has developed in me to live as fully as I can. Some of that means that I want to be out in the world more. It has directly caused me to shed the chains of depression as much as I possibly can, and to recapture as much of who I am, or at the very least, try and figure that out.

In the past year, I’ve slowly fallen away from my relationship with God. I tried to hold on to it for a long time, often feeling like I needed to be the biggest, most assured voice of faith out there because maybe if I said it loud enough, it would take root and I would believe it myself. Now, while I still hold onto my faith as a part of who I am, I’m very private about it. Not because I don’t want to let anyone know about my beliefs, but because I don’t feel like it’s anyone’s business what my beliefs are. Hell, to some degree, I don’t know what my beliefs are. I mean, I believe, but what do I believe?

I’ve also come out (again… SURPRISE!) to my husband. This wasn’t news to him. I mean, I told him when we met that I liked women, but now it seems to be so much more of how I identify. I didn’t mean for it to sow discord in our marriage, but it has. He doesn’t know what it means for us, and while I’ve told him that it changes nothing in our marriage, he’s still skeptical, and it’s very scary for him. It’s been months since I expressed these things to him, and he takes little steps closer to accepting me as I am, but he has a really hard time understanding. I’m trying to be patient, because I do want our marriage to work.

I started leaving the house a lot more. This seems so strange to say, “I’ve started leaving the house.” I was beyond depressed when my mom died. I really didn’t want to leave the house for more than a trip to the grocery store for nearly six months. I started asking myself if I was living in a way that would make my mom proud of me. The answer, truly, was no. My mom, in her youth and in her life until the time she got sick, was a vibrant, energetic, and independent woman. While she was far from a “perfect mother,” she was still someone I looked up to as having a world view to emulate and strive for. She was a woman who took chances, who paved her way, who lived and loved true to herself.

I see how I’ve changed when I see how others see me now. My sister came over the other day, and in our talking, she looked at me and said, “I really love the person you’re becoming.” All I could think of in reply to the words that were bringing tears to my eyes was, “Me too, honey.” I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what the results or consequences of my changing life will be. I don’t know where I’ll be in a year, or five years, or twenty. I just know that the woman I will be, will be incredible. I’ll be a woman my daughters can look up to and desire to emulate. I will be a woman that I respect, and a woman I will honor.

There’s really no easy way to dump someone, or to be dumped. Every way has its downfalls, and everyone does it differently. Some ways are downright mean, and other ways are pretty considerate. Whether it’s because they’re scared of hurting someone, or they’re just careless, they do what they feel they have to do.

How do most people end an unhappy relationship? It seems like the preferred way for the person being dumped is in person, so you can discuss it and it’s personal. It’s nice being able to talk about why it’s ending, and what you or the other person did wrong. But saying “it’s over” in person takes some balls most of the time.

More and more people do it over the phone, which is better than other ways of breaking up with someone, but it’s not exactly a good way to end it. Even worse, is to dump someone through texts or online. That is so impersonal and disrespectful to the other person. I’ve heard of people changing their relationship status on Facebook, and that’s how they let the other person know it’s over. If you want to end it, then at the very least, call them up so you can have an actual conversation about it.

The person breaking up with someone is sometimes too uncomfortable doing it in person. I know in some instances doing it in person isn’t possible, if you’re in a long distance relationship, or apart for some time. Sometimes the dumper will just slowly fade away and finally break the news that it’s over. One way that I think is just wrong, is when one person tries to drive another person away. They might start being rude or breaking promises. Eventually the other person is so unhappy they want to leave their partner.

Some people are always the one to be dumped, others are the opposite. Some people are a good mix of both, like me.

There are probably a lot of ways of ending a relationship that I haven’t mentioned, but there’s one more that really stands out to me. I think it’s the worst of all, and I’ve had two experiences with this way of ending a relationship.

Ignoring someone. Being in a happy or semi happy relationship, then all of a sudden your partner completely cuts off contact with you. They don’t even have the decency to say “Hey, by the way, we’re over.” When this happened to me, it was a long distant relationship and things were going pretty good. Then one day went by without talking. And then another. I would randomly call or text but I got nothing back. It took me about two weeks to figure out what was going on, and I was so hurt. It was hard enough going two weeks thinking that the guy I was with was too busy for me. Now all of a sudden I realize that’s it, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I got over it, and I vowed to never do that to anyone no matter what.

My second experience with ending a relationship by ignoring someone is with my current boyfriend. I’ve known him for many, many years. When we started getting close and decided we wanted to date, he had a long distance girlfriend that he had been with for a very short time and had never met. He decided he wanted to leave her, and although I was against it, he did it anyways to be with me. He told me one day, a few weeks into our relationship, that he just cut off contact with her and was ignoring her texts. I was happy he chose me over her, but I couldn’t believe he was hurting a girl the same way I had been hurt in the past.

I explained what I had gone through to him, and he said he kind of understood. I don’t think he really got why I cared so much about his ex-girlfriend, but I really don’t want anyone else to be hurt in that way. Thankfully, he decided to text her a reason why he couldn’t be with her, and that he was sorry to have been so distant. His ex was really hurt but believed the reason he gave her. I was really happy that he decided to do that. I think that is definitely a wrong way to break up with someone.
As much as I hate the idea of texting to break up with someone, it’s somewhat better than completely ignoring someone. You never know how long that person is waiting to hear from you, or wondering what’s going on, especially in a long distance relationship. If you live near your girlfriend or boyfriend and they decide to ignore you to break up, you can always just go find them. Who knows what excuse they might give you then, or if they would just try to avoid you in person.

Breaking up with someone can be really hard, and being broken up with can be harder. No matter how you do it, it’s not exactly pleasant, unless it’s something the two of you both really want. In the dating world, these things happen, though. Rude or nice, distant or outright, there are so many ways to end a relationship. So many people that want to do it right, and so many people are just so careless about it.

My boyfriend and I seem like the perfect couple to most of the people we know. We’ve known each other more than half our lives, were each other’s first loves, we have a lot in common, and throughout all this time we’re still crazy for each other. But then there’s the side no one sees: our lie filled past.

While some of our friends and family know some of the problems we went through as friends, nobody knows the whole of it. I feel like all the lies and heartache we went through when we were younger has made us become closer to each other, and be more open and honest with each other as a couple. My boyfriend and I have had a lot of arguments about the past and we’re still hurt about some of it, but with a lot of work we’ve somehow put it behind us.

The main thing that bothers my boyfriend and me is the fact that we weren’t allowed to date in high school. I respected my parent’s wishes and that’s that. We both loved each other, but since we weren’t allowed to be together, he and I eventually parted ways and dated other people. I had a tendency to date my friends, which, unfortunately, were my current boyfriend’s friends too. The boys I casually dated in high school are no longer my friends, but they are still close to my boyfriend. I know this upsets my boyfriend every time he hangs with the guys.

My boyfriend wasn’t great in that department either.After he and I had completely stopped talking in school, he dated my best friend. They were together for three years; they lived together and all. I sometimes don’t know how I’m with someone that was with my then best friend, but I’ve forgiven them, and she is a good friend again. He and I started talking again while he was dating my friend and we were acquaintances. We would sometimes ponder what would have happened if we could have gotten together. He was convinced we would never know.

When he and my friend broke up, we talked a little more often, and hung out one day. He wanted to see me a lot more but I was too nervous and often made excuses not to. Then one day I decided to see him again and we had such a great time, we started seeing each other constantly till we decided to date. He had a long distance girlfriend at the time that he broke up with, and I felt terrible for getting in the way of that. But I finally got my guy.

After being together for a while, we started bringing up the troubles from the past. We would argue about stuff and accuse each other of things that never happened. We both felt betrayed that the other one did what they did. There’s nothing we can do to change what we did. All our arguments were getting really bad, and we realized we needed to stop. We talked rationally about the past, and about how we can either keep dwelling on it and fighting or just let it go.

It’s taken a lot of time since then, but we’ve somehow slowed way down on these arguments. Things still get brought up, but we both work hard to just let it go before we start to argue, or it gets blown out of proportion. We’re still working on it, but we are learning to put the past behind us. We couldn’t be together then, but we are now, and that’s all that matters. All the stuff we went through since then has made us who we are today, and I couldn’t be happier.

Over the years I have been in a number of different types of relationships, from monogamous, to poly, to open relationships, to just plain out ‘whoring’ around. There are as many types of relationships as there are people, and even more rules to each relationship. So when is cheating actually cheating?

Cheating is defined as:
–verb (used with object)
1.  to defraud; swindle.
2.  to deceive; influence by fraud.
3.  to elude; deprive of something expected.

I think we can safely assume that cheating is breaking a set of rules established by one or more parties, and that those rules were established on mutual ground. So cheating can be defined differently by anyone. In my past, cheating has been a number of different things, everything from the ‘norm’ of what cheating is in most relationships, (going behind your partners back to have extra-curricular activities with someone else) to a number of varied things, like, it’s ok to have sex with other women but no men.

We could even delve into the differences between emotional and physical cheating. Emotional cheating, as I understand it, is having feelings for someone other than your partner but not acting on them. I can see how others would consider this to be a form of cheating, but I really don’t agree. I have a romantic love for a female friend of mine, it doesn’t take away from my current relationship and isn’t a problem, but that’s just my dynamic.

Then you have poly and open relationships, where one or both partners may have a second or even third partner. There again, we have established rules and all parties involved know what the rules are, and in theory, there is plenty of communication so that everyone knows what is going on and where they stand in said relationship.

Realistically we all have probably cheated in one way or another over the years, whether during a game of cards or at life. It makes up feel like crap, makes others feel like crap, and well, just imagine the karma behind that. We are only human, but we need to live up the rules, and what not, that we establish for ourselves and for others.

There is no concrete answer to when cheating is actually cheating except to the people in the relationship who have made the rules they both agreed to follow. No one way to have a relationship is correct or incorrect. When rules are broken, more than just feelings get hurt, trust is broken, and relationships can dissolve into nothing. If you are feeling like cheating, talk to your partner. (Remember me, the big communication nazi?) It may save what you have with your other half.

All in all, cheating can be summed up as, breaking rules that you have agreed to follow in your relationship. Cheating is bad, don’t do it. We all have choices in life. Whether or not you follow them is up to you.

In wandering gingerly through the forums at EdenFantasys I have come across several forums where terms for relationship groupings are used inaccurately, and to save any further recriminations and hurt feelings I have decided to provide a short definition of each term.

Monogamy is the term applied to a relationship that is closed and involves only two people. Generally this is assumed to mean a male/female pairing, and most religions seem to prefer this set up. In reality this term can apply to MM and FF pairings; the only caveat is they must be closed to intimate relationships, usually involving sex, with other people.

Swinging and/or Open marriage is most often listed after Monogamy, as the couples are usually monogamous with all other aspects of their lives except that on certain occasions, either alone or together, they have sexual activities with other people. They do not form attachments with these playmates and have rules about how involved they may become with these others. Generally these couples see this as enhancing their sex lives, and they keep their core relationship strong by not investing any emotion into sex with others. Meeting with other couples with this same goal in mind feeds the need for excitement, and allows them to remain, otherwise, monogamous.
This is not meant to imply that poly folk don’t swing or have open relationships.

Polygamy is the religious term applied to marrying more than one spouse. One gender marries more than one of the other gender. Generally this is not considered the appropriate term for homosexual or gender fluid types of marriages. Almost 100% of the time these are heterosexual marriages. Generally the partner marrying the others is the only one allowed to have intimate, sexual contact with the other members of the marriage. Rarely is there seen a polygamous marriage where the participants have group sex.

Polygyny is the term for a man having more than one wife. Polygyny is usually a religious expression, but it can be secular. In a polygynist or group marriage, only the man is allowed to have intimate sexual contact with the wives, and generally speaking, the wives act either as ‘sisters’ sharing the duties of one household, or they have completely separate households. All children should be the husband’s, and all of the wives are considered mother to each child. The breakdown of the whole mother/child dynamic can differ between religious sects and even between different households. Some households consider dating to be done with the whole family, and some see that as a male only role. Love tends to be a secondary consideration in these types of arrangements, though they may be very loving and committed as a group and as individuals. Particularly in the religion of Islam, a man is enjoined to only marry more than one woman if he can provide them all the exact same amount of love, consideration, material goods and time. More than one Imam has said this is clearly not possible for every man, and therefore not every man should consider this type of marriage. Even the Mormons, who are the most celebrated adherents to the group marriage, have limits on how many wives a man can and should take.

Polyandry is the term for a woman having more than one husband. It is common in areas where women are either scarce, or resources to provide for children are scarce. The woman, generally, marries into a family of male siblings and takes all of them as husbands. All children are believed to be the oldest brother’s without exception, and the other men play a supporting role until they die, whereupon they assume the duties and rights of head husband. Again this isn’t a universal concept, but it is the most widely practiced. In other parts of the world a woman may only take one of a families male progeny as husband, but she will be expected to marry his brothers should he die. Love has very little to do with this type of arrangement, though it is true that the family may be very deeply loving and connected.

Polyamory is the concept of having many loving relationships. This love-style tends to be secular and spans the range of religions. It is equal opportunity and is usually grouped under the ‘swinging’ category, though most poly folk consider their groupings to be deeper than just a sexual relationship. In this category, you will see a bewildering array of groupings and ‘ratings’ or ‘rankings’. Here we can find heterosexual groupings, homosexual groupings, threesomes, foursomes, pods and everything in between. Some poly folk rate their relationships on a system of hierarchy, some prefer to consider them all equal. What sets Polyamory apart from Swinging, or even Open marriages, is the way that poly folk build more into their relationships than just sexual gratification.

Arguably the whole ‘work widow’ or ‘sports widow’ should be included in the poly category, as many monogamous couples feel as though they are sharing their mate with either his/her job, hobbies, or close friends. Sometimes these jobs, hobbies and friends can actually include a sexual element, but more often they don’t. Think of a policeman and his partner, A fireman and his firehouse, or a businessman and his office. Then you have the subject of kids and how they can make a monogamous couple feel as though their relationship has been invaded. When you factor all this in to the equation, you can see that regardless of the label you put on it we are all basically seeking the same things: love, companionship and partners with whom to raise children.

Really, although it seems complicated it really isn’t…it’s just different. The problems and joys are exactly the same regardless of your preferred love-style. Time is the finite resource for all types of love arrangements, and how you manage it will determine how successful you are.