…or should I suck myself

I was just taking a shower and I thought about a joke done by Joe Rogan. He talked about the idea of sucking your own dick. He said something like “I was at a party and Ron Jeremy was there and I said to Ron, hey Ron can you still blow yourself? Nope the gut got in the way. I was like wow think of that answer. Not I threw my back in a terrible accident. My gut got in the way. Here’s a guy who used to be able to do but sandwiches were better. It may be the most over rated thing ever.” So I was thinking about that joke and I started to wonder would sucking my own dick really be more pleasurable than having someone else do it?

I think the answer would be no. Here is the reason why. I have come to learn that lots of things feel good but feel better when done by someone else. Like I love having my head rubbed, but when I rub my own head it doesn’t feel as good. I like having someone draw on my skin but that does not feel the same as when I do it to myself.

Now here is the reason I think it works that way. I think it’s kind of a multitasking thing. When you are doing something to yourself your brain is focused on the process and not so much the sensations from the process. It’s kind of like the idea of a blind person having better hearing. The power needed to power the house down the street can be diverted to another house because that person turned everything off. So it is my contention that it would feel better to have someone else suck your dick than to do it yourself.

I would expect this would work for just about anything though. I have had the experience of using the FleshLight both with my hands and by sticking it in between the mattress and box spring of my bed to fuck it. I go to say for whatever reason it feel better when I’m not using me hands. I don’t really understand the reason for this one though. Maybe it takes less effort for the brain to process rocking and forth than it does for making your hand move up and down or whatever direction it happens to be moving in. I wouldn’t really expect that to be the case though. I would expect it would take more brain activity to move the entire body back and forth because you’re not just moving but also keeping balance.

Something else that supports the idea of it being less pleasurable to self stimulate is going back to talking about writing on myself, I like writing or drawing on myself but I like it even more when I an written on. Something about the feel of the pen moving across my skin just feels good. As long as I was sure the person wasn’t going to write or draw insults or anything that would cause me problems. I could probably lay on my stomach all day while someone drew pictures on my back. That does not mean I want to get a tattoo. I will deal with the pain from needles when I need to and I will not run from them. But I am not about to sit for an hour while someone stabs me with a needle repeatedly. hahaha

While I have never had a massage I do know they can be very pleasurable. But in trying to massage my neck when it is sore I can’t say I ever feel anything I would describe as pleasure. Probably because I am more focused one relieving the pain than anything else plus I have no training in massage therapy. I really should see about getting a massage though, I was told it could help with some of my other problems.

I would like some feedback on this topic. Give ideas on why you think things done like masturbation gives more or less pleasure than perhaps having sex or than someone else using a sex toy on you. Why would you rubbing your head feel more or less better than someone else doing it? Do you think I am right or wrong and why? This could be a very interesting discussion especially if more people participate.

I would like to close by saying I can not blow myself and for the most part I do not have an interest in doing so. I just thought it was a funny title to give the article. Plus what if I was curling up on my bed and trying to do that and I suddenly had to crap and ended up crapping on my face. I just don’t think I could live with the embarrassment. LOL

Two years ago my wife and I were having fun at a local pansexual party. We had just stopped to grab some lube so we could start fisting when we overheard someone on the dance floor say “Hah! If you need lube you’re doing it wrong!”

…and with that one sentence he completely killed our sexy vibe

Now, there is something to the idea that if you’re too dry to fuck you might want to try a little more foreplay, but it’s by no means a hard and fast rule.

For example, with fisting! Lube is almost always essential if you’re fisting, even if you self lubricate well. It’s possible to fist without lube, but its much more difficult and the results often aren’t as much fun.
And some people (like my wife and I) are pretty much always going to need lube. We’ve never been very reliably juicy people, so wetness isn’t a good gauge of arousal for us.

But this stranger (loudly) took our need for lube as a clear sign that we weren’t sexually skilled and decided to announce his assessment to the party at large.

Sexy choice? Not so much.

While my wife and I are a fairly unflappable lot, it sometimes takes a lot of courage to fuck at parties like this and an offhand remark like this can tear someone down in a matter of seconds.

Luckily for us, I had better things to do and so we decided to leave it alone, we were definitely shaken and what he said kept popping into our heads throughout the party, interrupting us whenever we’d start getting back into it.

“ur doing it wrong!” is almost unilaterally a judgy statement. It says, “there’s a right way and a wrong way to have sex, and you’re doing it the wrong way”. As women who have sex with women, this statement can cut deep. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked “but how could you ever be fulfilled without dick?” or “but then, what you do isn’t real sex, right?” To the first I can always reply with the fact that I have an ample strap on collection, but the second is more difficult to respond to.

For better or for worse, Bill Clinton has cemented in our minds a myth that’s been growing for a while that penis + vagina is sex, and everything else foreplay. Now, I’ve got nothing against penis + vagina sex. In fact, it’s pretty fucking awesome! But the judgment and devaluing of everything else that isn’t penis + vagina sex makes me sad because it devalues relationships (like most of mine) that are based primarily in everything but penis + vagina sex.

It’s the same myth that fuels the misconception that two women playing together are lonely and must be looking for male attention. This goes doubly so if its a femme-femme couple (because absence of a manly presence clearly means that something is missing). “Ur doing it wrong” pointed at us carries with it the baggage of having so many people assume what we do isn’t real sex and (therefore) our sexual identity isn’t as valid as heterosexual identity.

Cut me though it did, the “ur doing it wrong” joke did me some good. I began examining how I use the phrase… and I was using it a lot more than I thought I was. I run in a fairly tight group of kinksters, and one of the ways we make ourselves feel better about the fact that we’re “perverted” is by knocking vanilla sex as boring, unimaginative, and missing something.

oops…
(perspective is sometimes a bitch)

I’d been doing the same kind of judging on other people that had hurt us so deeply and I didn’t even know it.

It’s easy to judge other peoples sexuality, and it feels good. Belittling other people’s sexual tastes and techniques makes us feel better about our own sexual tastes and skill, and even though our society seems obsessed with sex, we’re a fairly sexually insecure bunch. Its no surprise, what with the myth that if someone is “the one” you’re supposed to “just click”. We have VERY few role models for sexual education and communication, which becomes more interesting when you consider that we’re increasingly realizing that diversity is the only sexual norm.

(and I don’t know about you, but I’m far more confident of my verbal communication skills than my psychic abilities)

I don’t think we should feel guilty for laughing at such jokes, but I do think it’s absolutely necessary that we temper it with an open mind for other people’s sexual tastes… especially if you’re at a pansexual sex party.

By oliver Hyde

I’m pretty highly sexed. Before I was in a relationship, I’d masturbate three times a day and when my wife and I got together, we’d have sex four times a night, without the benefit of the Pfizer Corporation.

But the rigors of married life mean that’s fallen by the wayside these days; we find the opportunity (if not the desire) to be intimate becoming alarmingly irregular.

For me, this means I get horny – and I fantasize.
In the days between encounters, my mind is in an increasingly erotic fugue. I lie awake while erotic porn movies play over and over on the inside of my eyelids. And I’ve noticed something… The longer I go without sex, the more wild and uninhibited these fantasies get.
I’d have thought it would be the opposite. Surely if it’s been just hours since the last time I’d had sex, I’d need wild and weird fantasies to fuel my erotic imagination?

Instead, mere hours after intercourse, my most frequent fantasy is just to spoon behind my wife and share another simple, sensual act of intimacy.

But flash forward six or seven days and suddenly I start concocting erotic fantasies that my wife would probably be horrified to know she was starring in!

Curious about this, I idly started jotting down my sexual fantasies, and how they evolved over the course of extended abstinence. Here’s how it worked out:

Day 1:
Saturday
The last time we’d have sex that week. My wife and I woke up, warm and sleepy, and all she had to do was wiggle her rump to give me the message to ‘come aboard.’ A moment later, I was inside her and undulating in delicious, sleepy morning sex.

Saturday Night

Days since last having sex: 0.5
Horniness Rating: 5 (out of 10.)

By the time I crept into bed that night, she was asleep. So not to disturb her, I tried drifting off to sleep.

Fantasy: As I drifted off to sleep, my fantasy was replaying our sex from that morning – the soft heat of her backside, the warm wetness of her pussy and the delicious sensation of exploding inside her.
Fantasy Kinkiness: 1 (out of 10)

Day 2:
Sunday

Days since last having sex: 1
Horniness Rating: 6 (out of 10)

Leaving me to lie in, my wife went to church – no morning sex for me!
Fantasy: My fantasy was simple – lazing back in our big, soft bed while my wife wrapped her lips around my raging erection; giving me a sloppy, sensual blowjob until I exploded into her.
Fantasy Kinkiness: 2 (out of 10)

Day 3:
Monday

Days since last having sex: 2
Horniness Rating: 7 (out of 10)

Monday morning. My wife is still sleeping soundly. I have an erection that could pry open safe doors, but I don’t want to disturb her when she’s only got an hour or so before having to start her week of drudgery. Instead I go to the gym.
Fantasy: While I’m lifting weights, I imagine my wife and her attractive coworker barrel in after a night of cocktails. I’ve already gone to bed, and awake to the amazing sensation of a soft, sucking mouth coaxing me to climax. I immediately think it’s my wife, but lifting the covers I find her friend instead – naked and on her hands and knees, giving me the blow job of my life. Face buried in her upturned buttocks, my wife is licking her friend to orgasm.
Fantasy Kinkiness: 5 (out of 10)

Day 4:
Tuesday
Days since last having sex: 3
Horniness Rating 8 (out of 10)
Tuesday’s the first morning it gets tough. I’d been sporting an erection as hard as algebra all night. My wife is already up – and reminds me that I have to go into work early.

Fantasy: Bundled into the cold shower (which I sorely need) I soap my straining cock while conjuring a fantasy in which my wife’s ex-boyfriend is coming into town. She agrees to let him stay at our place – ‘just as friends’. But after a few drinks, her naughty side comes out. Over the course of one wild night, he and I make sure we try every way two cocks can fit into one girl. She’s left sticky, sweaty and utterly satisfied.
Fantasy Kinkiness: 5 (out of 10)

Day 5:
Wednesday
Days since last having sex: 4
Horniness Rating 8 (out of 10)
I won’t lie. By now, sleep is hard. Everything is ‘hard,’ in fact. I wake up in the morning and I’ve got a cock straining like it’s about to burst. My wife is slumbering soundly, though – and rather than disturb her in those few hours she gets to rest, I go to the gym again.
Fantasy: As I’m on the treadmill, I imagine arranging for my wife to have a full-body massage. Lying naked on a table, a muscled, taut Swedish guy rubs and then kneads her down until she’s getting seriously hot and bothered. As she eventually puddles into a pool of slut, this Swedish masseuse drops his sweat pants, spreads her thighs and gives her a final ‘hard massage’ with his straining cock; fucking her tenderized body until she gasps in orgasm and he explodes inside her.
Fantasy Kinkiness: 6 (out of 10)

Day 6:
Thursday
Days since last having sex: 5
Horniness Rating 9 (out of 10)
I didn’t sleep a wink. I was lying in bed all night and when my wife wakes up, she has to get to work early. She’s out the door before I can jump on her and screw her brains out.
Fantasy: I imagine coming home from work early, only to find my wife on the living room floor – the Cable guy’s erection bulging in her mouth and the UPS guy buried balls-deep inside her ass. I watch, horrified and aroused, as my wife sluttily winks at me and greedily fucks and sucks these strangers until the cover her in cum.
Fantasy Kinkiness: 7 (out of 10)
Day 7:
Friday
Days since last having sex: 6
Horniness Rating 10 (out of 10)
So by now, I’m about ready to flip. I’m horny all the time – even at work I can’t stop my imagination drifting back to these fantasies I’ve concocted. I can’t even roll over in bed because of my erection.
Fantasy: Friday is when both my wife and I are able to be late into work – so half asleep, I let my mind wander.
I concoct an elaborate fantasy in which we’ve won the lottery. I imagine talking my wife into indulging my most exotic fantasies – and she agrees. So with lottery winnings, I arrange for us to be flown out to the San Fernando Valley to meet with my favorite porn star. This foxy chick has provided a dozen muscled, well-hung porn stars to gang-bang my wanton wife to within an inch of her life. Captured by camera, my wife is slathered with kisses, squeezed and groped by countless hands, fingered and fucked to multiple orgasms and then screwed, sodomized and double-penetrated until she’s come a dozen times and all twelve well-hung strangers have shot their load into and onto her. That’s when I finally drop my pants to take my own enjoyment with her.
Fantasy Kinkiness: 9 (out of 10)

End of the Experiment
While that fantasy was still playing inside my head, I suddenly felt the familiar warmth and softness of my wife’s round bottom nuzzling into my crotch. Even without thinking about it, I wiggled my hips and found myself sinking inside her. It was amazing.
It had been a week without orgasm; and I’d have come quickly just with a wiggle of her hips. However, even as I drifted between the dream world and reality, she upped the ante by talking dirty to me. Maybe she’d been reading my mind – describing a breathless fantasy in which she brought home a well-hung coworker to suck and fuck her while I watched. I was so turned on; I exploded inside of her in less time than Lindsay Lohan stayed in jail.
My wife didn’t come – but she did admit later that she’d gotten off (mentally, at least) from ‘stealing’ an orgasm from me. She got off knowing she had that power over me.
So that was the end of my week of abstinence – but not to my erotic fantasies.
In fact, just a few hours later I was idly dreaming of my wife’s sexy body again. Yet despite my most recent gang bang fantasy, this time my imagination required nothing more elaborate than a mental replay of that morning’s short, satisfying encounter. The really dirty stuff, I realized, wouldn’t come till later.
I guess that ultimately proves my hypothesis: The longer you leave sex on the brain, the wilder it gets.
 

I think a lot of what hems people up is their inability to laugh at themselves and find humor in certain situations – especially when it comes to sexual exploration and experimentation. Recently, the PYT and I have been experimenting with adult toys and the last thing we, or I guess I should say I, tried was the crystal vaginal balls.

I hadn’t told Big Papi that I ordered the balls (I like to have some little surprises up my sleeve) and they arrived while I was home alone. There wasn’t one moment’s hesitation before I tested them out. Well, a slight hesitation ‘cause I washed them first. Eventually, my oldest daughter came home with her siblings and I giggled to myself as I walked around the house trying to see if I felt anything. Unfortunately, I didn’t, but that story is for another day.

While I was using the bathroom one slipped out (don’t worry I caught it before it hit the toilet water!) so I tried to get the other one to come out. I’m a frequent kegel exerciser so I figured it would be easy. I contracted and released, and I thought I pushed, but nothing happened. Hmm? I squatted and pushed. Nothing. I propped up my leg and reached for it. Still nothing. By now I’m laughing a little and wiggling around trying to see if I can feel it. Nope. So, when all else fails, what does a Cougar do? Wait for her PYT: Big Papi.

When he finally got home from work I followed him to the bedroom. “Babe… uh, I need a favor.” I put on my sweetest smile. He stopped taking off his tie and looked at me suspiciously, “What babe?” Instead of directly answering his question, I showed him the ball in the cute little heart-shaped box.

“What’s that?” he asked.

I explained then added, “This is just one of them.”

“Where’s the other one?”

“It’s still in there…” and I raised my eyebrows while I stood there grinning.

All I got was a perplexed look.

“… and I can’t get it out.” That said I fell to the bed laughing. “Babe, I need you to get it out.”

“How?” He said while grinning.

“You gotta go in there. I can’t reach it.”

“When?”

“Now.”

“Now?”

“Yes.”

“The kids.”

“The door is locked… come on!”

I take off my shorts and panties then lay on the bed. He inserted one finger into my vagina and reached.

“I don’t feel anything.”

We had already started to snicker and that just made me laugh harder. “It’s higher,” I said and laughed some more.

“Stop laughing! I can’t do it when you laugh.” Of course he’s laughing. “You’re getting wet.”

“Mmmmm….”

“Babe! Stop!”

“Sorry,” I said. (You know I giggled, right?)

“I’m getting all excited,” he said, “in a weird way.” And he points to the very obvious bulge in his pants.

After five more minutes of trying and with his knuckles pressed against my vagina, he feels it. He can’t guide it with one finger so he said, “Can I use two?

“Uh, I think your penis is wider than two fingers!”

“Oh … yea!”

He finally grabbed the ball and pulled it out while turning his head. “Here, I can’t look,” he said, which only caused more laughter.

A few minutes later he said, “You are very wet.”

Before I went to the kitchen to finish preparing dinner and before one of the children could knock on the bedroom door we took advantage of the moment, and my readiness, and enjoyed a quickie. Although I didn’t get the pleasure from the crystal vaginal ball that I thought I would, I ended up with something much better: A good laugh and a good lay!

For the writing project Thirty Days of Kink. To find links to all of the articles I’ve written in this series, go here.

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

Ha!

Hahahahaha!

Who doesn’t have kink-related pet peeves? I have a lot.

[Disclaimer: Just because these things get under my skin, doesn't necessarily mean I think people are "bad" or "wrong" for doing them. Or at least, not all of them. But if you see something you do here, take my opinion with a grain of salt, and keep on keepin' on. I'm just some chick on the internet.]

1 – Wait… You mean you just started? I must crush your soul! AKA “The n00b Pwner”; Identified by snide responses to questions long-time kinksters can answer with their eyes closed, a clothespin on their tongues, and their limbs tied in uncomfortable positions, while suspended upside-down and backwards from an alligator clamp, complete with sharp metal teeth, on their clits.

Dude, seriously? BDSM is not World of Warcraft, and it is not shameful to be brand spankin’ new at it in 2010. Especially if you’re 19.

It’s also not shameful to still be a n00b when you’ve been doing it for eight years.

Not everyone thinks, learns, behaves, reacts the same way to every situation. Everything we know in life we’ve learned by trial and error. And some of us just plain have no common sense. Or, like me, are flighty as hell, and by the time we’ve grasped the question, we’ve already lost our train of thought. C’est la vie, man.

And besides… We were all new once.

2 – All the ways around here are my ways! AKA “The One True Wayist”; Identified by their sanctimonious stare, and how often some form of the word “true” drips from their lips. May be carrying a book they refer to as “The Bible of Kink”.

They know how it’s supposed to be done, and they’re gonna let you know just why you’re doing it wrong. But when it comes to kink, pretty much everything’s open to interpretation.

3 - You can have your own way, but mine is better, and therefore, so am I. AKA “The Upper Kinkcrust”; If it’s raining, you’re gonna want to offer this kinkster –and his counterparts 2, 5, and 7– an umbrella, or risk being accused of being a drowning-supporter.

All their toys are high end. All their clothes are name brand. And all their ways are better than yours.

Seriously, you should just give up, now.

4 – My kink is not you’re kink! AKA “The Safety Police”; Identified by the fact that their lips are glued to the anus of the nearest DM.

I’m vaguely aware of the fact that not everyone likes torture of the extent that I’ve been known to cause myself, much less what M’s capable of submitting me to. And if I had a nickel for every time someone told me that if M and I were at one of their events, and played like we play at home, they’d have the DM shut us down, we’d be rich.

Which I find absolutely hilarious, since there’s this kink camp out west at which a friend of mine has had her tits nailed to a board, and another girl participated in a pretty heavy kidnapping/rape scene.

But they’re on every board. All “ZOMG Yer head’s gonna totally falled off.” And I always wanna be all “ZOMG It totally already did! Isn’t that what duct tape’s for?”

5 – My kink is better than you’re kink! AKA “The One-Upper”; Identified by their various medals and awards, and never-ending list of way awesomer stories than any you have.

Okay, I get the need to toot one’s own horn from time to time. But if every time I tell you something good that happened to me, you’re telling me three things good that happened to you, you’ve surpassed “occasionally tooting your horn” and flown right into “trying to come out on top”.

It’s not a competition.

6 - My kink’s way different than yours, so we can’t hang out. AKA “Kinky McSnobster”; Identified by the surrounding crowd of similarly dressed kinksters carrying matching whips and flogger bags.

To an extent, I get it. I often find myself wishing I knew (real life knew, not online knew) someone who was in the exact same kind of relationship I am, because it’s easier for both of us to understand where we’re coming from and commiserate with each other.

But when it comes right down to it, my kinks have nothing to do with my personality, or any of my other interests. And while I am owned, it really doesn’t affect whether or not I have other things in common with someone who isn’t.

7 – Be there or be square! AKA “Posh Kinkster”; Identified by the “little black book” of kink events sticking out of their back pocket, and the affliction of a rare skin condition that causes the dermis of the fingers to fuse with the back of the afflicted’s smartphone.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that M and I aren’t kinksters because we don’t go to events. Apparently, we missed the memo about having to pick up our membership card at the BDSM club near us.

8 – My kink is unlabelable. AKA “The Non-Kinkformist”; Identified by their complete collection of The Cure CDs, and the trailing cloud of smug.

“Not only am I different, but I’m so different that there’s no label to cover what I do in my bedroom!”

Right. And I’m Mother Theresa.

9 – The secret to life is kink! AKA “Evangelikinkster”; Identified by their leather robes, vast collection of BDSM how-to books, and the pulpit in the middle of their dungeon.

You can’t possibly be enjoying life if you’re not kinky. No really. Ask this kinkster. He’ll tell you!

10 – Give me kink, or give me death! AKA “Kinky Revere”; Identified by his belief that there’s no such thing as life without kink, his voracious activism, and his affinity for fire play.

While there’s nothing wrong with standing up for your right to fair treatment, and people absolutely have to stand for something or run the risk of falling for everything, these kinksters don’t just stand up for their rights. They generally trample the rights of others while they’re at it.

So there they are. My kinky pet peeves. Got any of your own?

**This is an opinion piece. Please remember that all comments are okay, even if you strongly disagree with the author, but should be kept respectful!  Neither Eden Fantasys, Eden Cafe nor the editor at Eden Cafe endorse these opinions as their own, they are solely the opinions of the author**

I was going to write about hardcore porn, but someone challenged me to write a well thought out reason why I hate something. So here is how I feel about Bondage and Torture in porn. While I hate the girls being treated like crap, I really just can’t even watch bondage porn. The outfits and whips and chains. There is just nothing I see that attracts me to it. Even the good looking women don’t attract me to it. To me it’s just disturbing. Don’t tell me I just don’t understand it. I have heard things like it’s a thing of trusting your partner, giving total control to another person, and some things I just can’t remember at this moment. Please read on and if you really feel you have something to add then feel free in the comments area.

But here’s the thing I really have a problem with. The pairing of sex with violence, very bad things happen when you pair certain things and sex – and violence, I am pretty sure, is one of them. Now let me give an example of how pairing sex with something else can lead to very bad things. I know of a story where a young boy was shown porn and because he didn’t understand it, he became a pedophile (sex with immaturity). Another person I know from what I understand was fucked by these two older girls when he was young and he went on to rape his brothers and sisters. Serial killers often are sexual sadists who have gone to extremes of pairing sex with violence, like Ted Bundy.

This is what is done with bondage and stuff like that. People are pairing sexual pleasure with violence and if you’re a person prone to worse action, then sooner or later you are likely to go too far. I personally think it’s kind of nuts that people will do something where they have to have a safe word. Then again people do other things like jumping out of planes for thrills and they die from that too. Choking during sex is another thing that I will never be comfortable with doing. When people die from that stuff and it’s not because the other person wants them dead, then you should really consider doing something that’s not going to kill you and possibly land your lover in jail or prison. But I guess if your lover has sexual fantasies of being raped in prison then maybe it will be a winning situation for that person.

I do understand that to certain people, for some reason, they get sexual pleasure from pain. But some people will keep pushing for more and it will not end well for these people. Personally I would worry more about sexual sadists than I would about masochists. When you’re in the moment of certain things you’re just not thinking and everything else doesn’t matter and shit can easily go too far.

I really don’t want to say too much about this. If you like bondage and you have found your limits and you’re not pushing it farther, then hey, keep doing it and have fun. Don’t ever let someone tell you what you are doing is evil or sick. But if you have found your limits and your partner keeps pushing for more or keeps going over those limits and creeps you out like fucking crazy, then get out of that relationship. Chances are that person has a really dark soul and it’s going to go to really bad places. One last thing, if you’re with someone who is a thrill seeker and keeps pushing the limits of what they can do like putting chains on nipple rings and hooking them up to the bumper of a car and tells you to drag them, you need to get that person some help. Don’t wait till it ends like the story on 1000 ways to die for a guy who shocked himself to death with a welding machine. If you’re with someone and they’re hooking themselves to a welder and they don’t realize that that high current shooting through their head is going to fry there brain, you need to knock that person out and check them into a hospital. Actually that guy could have a cat parasite called toxoplasma gondii, it causes women to be more calm and makes guys stupid. It’s a really interesting thing and I heavily suggest learning about it. All I’m saying really is be careful with S/M and bondage kind of stuff.

I am trying to alternate between things I hate and things I love. So next time I’m not sure what I will talk about. But maybe something I recently got into that I think is just funny as hell. Comedy and porn is something that seems to be pretty hard to mix. But these people have done pretty good with the videos I have seen.

This one day I was kind of chatting with my favorite pornstar (Raven Riley) about dildos when I said something that is very true and got a good laugh out of her. I stated that some of these sex toys look really weird and some even look like they should be in some sci-fi movie. I am not making fun of anyone who buys these toys, but even those of you who buy them have to admit some of them look really weird.

One I would like to mention is on EdenFantasies website and looks like a dick coming out of a flower. I have to laugh when I look at that one because it makes me think of a movie where they talk about flowers being symbolic vaginas. Too bad they didn’t have one of those in the movie it would have added a different meaning to symbolism perhaps.

Another one I recently saw was because of a review titled glass in my ass. I saw that on twitter and was like what the fuck is that one about. So I clicked on the link and read the review or part of it and looked at the picture. It’s not hard to believe that that toy is very effective, but it looks really weird. It’s like if someone looked at the ripples on a lake and said I want to design a sex toy based on that.

One for the guys that I think looks like a torture device is the Tanga flip or I think that’s what it’s called. It looks like a plastic thing with a hole from the outside, but when it opens up and you see the inside, it looks crazy. It has so many textures inside that thing that I bet if you tried to fuck it without lube it would rip your dick up. According to a video review of it, it actually works pretty well, despite how it looks.

Some of these other masturbators they sell look pretty weird too when it comes to guys sex toys. There are plenty of pocket pussies and pussy/ass fuck toys. But what person designed one to look like you were fucking either a flower or a bunch of crystals. I recall it was purple colored and it just looked like… what I said either a flower or a bunch of crystals all bunched together. I’m sure it could double as a weapon of mass confusion. “Ouch, did you just hit me with a sex toy, because now I’m covered in jizz?” HAHAHA

One of my favorite male sex toys to makes jokes about though is Sex-In –A-Can by FleshLight. What could be better than taking one these into a theater to jerk off with? I’ll tell you, taking the SuccuDry to a theater would be the best of them. It’s a Sex-In-A-Can that has vampire teeth and I love the idea of taking that thing to a theater and getting caught jerking off with it. It would be funny as hell when caught to stand up and start yelling as if in pain “GET IT OFF. GET IT OFF. IT’S BITING MY DICK.” Even if you said “IT’S SUCKING ME DRY” it would still be pretty damn funny. But I would have to say you should only do that if you are moving away from the place you live in or don’t ever plan on returning to that theater again. I would have to wonder if the theater would actually press charges or if to avoid embarrassment, if they would let you go.

If anyone who reads this is a fan of Joe Rogan and listens to or watches the live broadcast of his podcast then you will know what he has said about the FleshLight its self. He said there is something kind of serial killer about using a product that looks like an actual pussy, knowing that they made some from molds from pornstar pussies. I have to wonder if they made the original pussy one from an actual person. I envision them grabbing some homeless woman off the street and having her sit while they plaster her pussy with rubber and then send her off into the world all confused and wondering what the fuck just happened.

But after poking fun at sex toys, even those that I have used and still use. I want to bring up the dumbest thing I have ever seen when it comes to sex toys. I used to have a friend on the net who sent me a link to a dildo that said it was Y2K compliant. Now some of you may be asking, “Why is that so stupid?” Well because dildos don’t tell time and they certainly don’t keep track of what year it is. I hate to think that any women saw that thing and thought, “Fuck I got to get that, the last thing I want is to be masturbating and have my pussy catch on fire.” If anyone did you should find the fucker who sold it, shove a cactus up their ass, and say “Now that’s Y2K compliance bitch.”

The Y2K thing just shows how out of control a person’s imagination can really get. When someone thinks I can sell a vibrator, and more often, by calling it Y2K compliant. You know things are going too far. I remember my mom talking about people worrying about water heaters and I had to control myself to keep from yelling, “WHAT THE FUCK, how stupid can someone be when they think a device that has nothing resembling a clock is going to go nuts in the year 2000.”

I hope this spawns a line of jokes in the comments area for this post. I look forward to reading any other jokes people have thought of when looking to buy a sex toy.

DarthSarah painted a pretty bleak picture in her post about The Dark Side. I bet she even drew some of you over to her side with a buncha “Yeah, you’re right! That’s annoying!”s. I know I was tempted. She is right. After a while, sex toy reviewing becomes repetitive, monotonous and boring.

But there are ways to fight The Dark Side! Here are some of them:

1. Schedule incoming toys around busy weekends, periods and paydays. – I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve found a package on my doorstep and realized I didn’t have the time, money or inclination to try it.

Batteries are expensive. Some toys don’t work well with rechargeables. A couple of the toys I own say, “Do not use during menstruation.” in the instructions. And I’m rarely interested in masturbation then, anyway.

Or maybe we’re off camping for the weekend. We’ve had more than a few people (with kids!) completely miss the big tent on the blue and yellow sign with the arrow pointing up the trail. And Ranger Weed, with his flaming red hair and heavy sprinkle of freckles, comes to visit every day, but always at a different time.

Can you imagine?

“Mommy, why’s that man’s tent buzzing? And who’s making that noise?”

“Sir, it sounds like you’re wife’s being stung to death by bees in there! Stand back! I’ll save her!”

2. Invest in rechargeable batteries, condoms and storage. – Not all toys work as well with rechargeables. Some toys are nonporous and don’t need to be used with a condom. But all toys take up space. And unless you’ve got an unused walk-in, you’re gonna run out.

So think ahead. Get yourself some rechargeables for the toys that work with them, some condoms for the toys you’re not sure you’re gonna keep, and toy boxes and bags for the ones you are.

3. Swap, sell or give away the toys you rarely use. – What do you mean you haven’t heard of the Toy Swap Network? Well, now you have. Go check out how to get involved.

Got a friend with a birthday coming up who’s as knowledgeable about sex toy materials as you are (or at least close)? Pack up a couple toys you think she might like in a pretty gift bag or box!

But whatever you do, don’t horde things you haven’t used for six months because you might, some day, in the next ten years, use them again. If you haven’t used them in months, you’ve probably outgrown them.

Or… ya know… do horde them. And buy lots of storage.

4. Don’t be afraid to take a break. - I currently work with seven or eight companies, and all the reps (or owners, as the case may be) are super nice. I mean, super nice. Sometimes, I have horrible scheduling mix-ups. I’m pretty sure I have a smidge of AD(H)D, so it took me almost a year to get through enough of a book about anal health to review it. And while I’m sure they want to throttle and fire me, none of them have yet! (I love you guys!)

5. Warn your neighbors. – No! I’m not saying walk next door to Dick and Jane Smith’s house and say, “Howdy, neighbor. Just wanted to let you know I’ll be receiving oodles of sex toys.” But you can tell them that you work in quality control, and occasionally receive products at your home to test.

I’ve found, in my shitty little neighborhood, if I tell my neighbors that the packages coming in are for my job, they leave them on my front porch (rather than stealing them) and don’t ask about them. I can’t imagine other neighborhoods being much different. So, just let your neighbors know ahead of time.

Or let them think you’re an impulse internet shopper. That works, too.

6. Don’t let the fact that you’re reviewing sex toys change the frequency with which you masturbate. – I know… I know. It seems like you’re going to have to masturbate that much more just to get all those reviews done. But I think you’ll find the rate at which you’re comfortable reviewing proportional to how often you masturbate. I know I have.

You don’t have to masturbate more. You just have to change up how you do it and with what.

7. Approach each toy with an open mind. As if you haven’t tried a hundred just like it. - You’re gonna get duds. You’re gonna get toys with glitches. You’re gonna get toys you hate. You’re gonna get toys that are almost exactly the same. But there’s always something different. Make it your challenge to find and report that difference.

8. Be up front with toy companies about preference, time constraints and allergies. - Everyone has preferences. It is a rare soul that is truly indifferent about everything. And there’s not much you can do about allergies. If you think about it, though, that probably saves them money!

We’ve all got lives outside of masturbation. Let the companies you’re working with know what’s going on (Don’t worry about getting too deep into the nitty gritty if you don’t want to.), and give them an idea of when they can expect to see your review.

9. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. – See something you like? Write the company and ask them if they’d be willing to send it to you in exchange for a review on your site with links back to their site and product page. Offer them a list of your stats. Tell them why it would be beneficial to them.

What’s the worst they can do? Say no? Well, then… You’re no worse off than you were before.

10. It’s okay to say no. Especially if you won’t like it! - Most companies much prefer a positive review over a negative one. Yeah, they want your honest opinion. But they hope your honest opinion is that you love the hell out of their product.

And that makes sense. I mean, they’re not gonna make any money if no one likes what they’re selling.

*Bonus!*

It’s about quality, not quantity. – Some companies send anything to anyone. Others reserve their more expensive toys for their best reviewers. And rightfully so! A good reviewer will better cover the functions and performance of the toy, which usually means more sales. Our motto? He/she who dies with the best reviews wins!

With your help, we will annihilate the Empire! May the force be with you.

There are things that no one warns you about when you enter into any new situation. They tend to paint a prettier picture so that they can convince you that it’s something you want to do. If they do give you any indication of what you’re in for it’s usually described with the most polite and un-alarming words possible. Take the side effects with medications, for example. You will see an entire commercial about this medication designed to be a miracle pill for whatever ailment you’re experiencing. Then, at the tail end and said in a super quick voice over, you’ll be told that you may experience headaches, sexual side effects and anal seepage. If they were completely honest and said ‘You may shit your pants in the middle of the grocery store while taking this medication’ you might think twice and decide to just deal with your restless leg syndrome.

No one told me there were any negatives to reviewing sex toys. When I found out that I could get a bunch of free shit and all I had to do was tell people what I thought about it, I was thrilled. (Don’t even try to lie and say you’re doing it for a more noble reason.) Since no one told me I thought it would be nice if I told you. A little list of things to consider…

1. You will run out of things to say: Really. There are only so many ways you can describe a plastic vibrating bullet. You can’t skimp on your reviews though, because you’re getting that shit for free and it’s rude. You’ll find yourself rewriting the same, boring information about each and every toy you come across. Every once in a while you’ll get something really awesome that stirs your inner Shakespeare and causes you to wax poetic, but mostly it will get repetitive. This is no different than most jobs though so just become friends with your thesaurus to help get you through the writer’s block.

2. You will run out of places to hide this stuff: I’ve been reviewing since November of last year. My collection started out as a few vibrators and bottles of flavored lube which I stashed in a shoe box in my closet. Within a month I had purchased an actual storage container that my collection outgrew no less than two months later. Now it’s too large to store in my nightstand and is hogging up a few dresser drawers. We’re currently searching for something large enough that blends in with our furniture. It’s hard if you’re an organization freak like me. Thank goodness for Rubbermaid, right?

3. You may have embarrassing encounters with your neighbors: You’re going to be on a first name basis with the USPS, UPS, and FedEx deliverers, but if you start reviewing for multiple companies there may be mistakes. I recently had my Liberator throe replaced and it was delivered to our neighbors. Fortunately most sex toy retailers are smart enough to know that people don’t want their business all over the neighborhood so they send things in unmarked packages with very discreet shipping addresses. It doesn’t make it any less awkward to go ask your neighbors if they received a package that was addressed to you. You know what’s inside and that’s all that matters. Plus, it’s pretty obvious when an unmarked brown package arrives that you’re getting something naughty. Most companies plaster their advertisements all over the box, so it’s the opposite that seems to raise more eyebrows.

4. You will break the bank buying batteries: Unfortunately, not all manufacturers have gone green yet. A lot of toys are rechargeable now, but there are still quite a few great ones that require batteries. Some of those toys are battery hogs and will suck the juice out of them after just a few uses. You might as well suck it up and buy a battery charger and several packages of rechargeable batteries. Set up a schedule and keep switching out used batteries to be recharged. You don’t want to have to wait until payday to try your new toys.

5. You will get tired of masturbating: No, really. You’ll look forward to days when you can get out of the house and mow the lawn or do your grocery shopping. Your skin and eyes might be sensitive to the light after you’ve been cooped up in your bedroom for so long. Your arms and hands might be a little sore or cramping from repeating the same motions too. You will find yourself saying “Hooray! I’m caught up on reviews now and I don’t have to jerk off today!”

I’m really not kidding.

6. Your brain will be stuck in ‘review mode’: From the second you get your new toys in the mail you’ll be cataloging the specs in that part of your brain where you store that information. How does it feel? How does it smell? What does the packaging look like? If you’re not careful this will carry over into sex with your partner. You won’t need to think about math problems or baseball to keep yourself from cumming too soon because your brain won’t stop analyzing your sex toys. Is it getting weaker or noisier now that it’s inside of me? Is this a better angle? You’ll need to remind yourself to stop thinking and just enjoy sex!

Don’t get me wrong, reviewing sex toys is one hell of a hobby. Just be prepared to handle these things when they come up or you might find your interest in continuing this hobby waning.