A recent survey found that marriage rates in the United States had dropped precipitously. Only 51% of Americans were married, and marriage rates are dropping similarly in other developed nations. Given how most of the benefits of marriage are conferred by the government, come from being in a happy relationship, or aren’t even real, the government should sanction cohabitations and marriages.

The government has, intentionally or not, created a litany of benefits that only affect the married. Consider gay couples, whose marriages are not recognized by the federal government. They pay on average, an extra $6,000 per year in taxes because they have to file separately. Married couples who file as a married couple qualify for these tax loopholes and save thousands, demonstrating one of the governmental advantages of marriage.

There is also, with some policy makers, an even greater desire to provide more incentives to traditionally married couples. Virginia Governor Robert McDonnell advocated in his Master’s thesis that the government should focus its resources into the family, specifically married couples with kids. This included government policy favoring the married over “co-habitators,” tax policies favoring married couples, advocating of covenant marriages (a type of marriage difficult to enter and near impossible to exit) and other penalties for divorce.

There was also the Healthy Marriages Initiative, passed in 2006, aimed at encouraging and improving marriages. This bill moved $150 million per year to the states to invest in local education on the benefits and workings of marriage, public ads on the benefits of marriage, relationship skills classes to reduce divorce, and a reduction of marriage penalties in aid programs. This shows that government has shown an interest in preserving, promoting, and even subsidizing marriage.

All of this effort to promote marriage, yet is it justifiable? The very fact that the government is trying to subsidize something suggests it is not. Subsidization of goods and services usually only occurs when the government deems that people should be engaging in an activity but aren’t. As the most basic costs of marriage, the paperwork and certificates, are affordable; subsidization isn’t needed to help the poor. So why is the government subsidizing something people don’t want?

There are arguments that marriage contains a litany of health benefits. Some studies have suggested that married people are less likely to have heart attacks, get cancer, require surgery, slip into dementia, and other health benefits. The problem is that it isn’t as simple as that. These are not benefits of the actual act of marriage, but rather of happy cohabitation and socio-economics. The relationship itself is what’s actually important, as the stress of a bad marriage, according to a Feb. 2010 New York Times article, is as damaging to one’s health as smoking. Being married or cohabitating together is just as happy, as long as both relationships are equally healthy.

Furthermore, married people, on average, tend to be wealthier and sometimes healthier than the unmarried. It isn’t that marriage is making people healthier, but that those who are less likely to be unhealthy are also more likely to get married, resulting in a correlation, but not causation. The government benefits of marriage don’t hurt either.

As mentioned, the government throws millions into marriage, from tax breaks to shared health insurance, hospital visitation rights and more. This however doesn’t prove that marriage is a healthy institution, but that the government benefits really can improve people’s lives. If the government gave the same benefits per capita to any other group, from puppeteers to cat lovers, given enough time, these groups would eventually become healthier than the public as a whole.

Yet none of these are actually benefits of marriage itself, but rather byproducts of government benefits. The actual benefits of marriage itself, it would seem, are slight, if any. If all of these incentives and benefits are needed to justify marriage, it begs the question of why bother?

One reason is for the stability of the family. But if that’s the case then these and other policies still don’t make much sense. It was only with the affordable care act that the government improved access to condoms and the pill for the poor and lower middle-class. In fact, up until that law was passed, many insurance companies wouldn’t cover the pill, while it did cover Viagra.

One way to establish stable families is to prevent them from beginning on the wrong foot. Contraceptives, when used properly, allow people to avoid having children until they’re at the right stage in their lives, with a sizable savings and career to allow for time and money necessary to raise children. Yet, these policies are rarely, if ever, advocated to help families; instead it is policies like the healthy marriage initiative which just incentivize marriage and relationships.

There is of course the benefit in keeping both parents together, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they must be married. If two people remained together, while receiving the same benefits as married couples, there would likely be little if any difference, because as shown, few of marriage’s benefits are from the actual institutions. Despite this, most of these policies and initiatives are focused on married couples.

If the government and family activists are truly concerned with the well being of families, they should focus less on the actual institution and more on family planning and keeping people together. Being married is far less valuable than staying together and the benefits conferred through governmental institutions. If anything, they should focus on keeping people together, rather than getting people married and hoping marriage will keep them together, as the 50% divorce rate suggests it won’t.

Having the Right Chemistry with the Vendor You’ll Be Around More Than Your Spouse On Your Special Day

The best friend you could ever have is your wedding photographer. No, really, I’m completely serious. Your wedding photographer records your day from start to finish, is crammed into small spaces with you, sees more behind the scenes bulge-tucking and repinning and hears every complaint you have about the flower vendor who has you in a rage on your wedding day.

Your photographer is not the person you want to be angry with.

After all, any scowling in the general direction of the photographer has the potential of being captured and becoming a part of your family history. And though there is no perfect photographer out there, regardless of who claims to be, every bride and every photographer is different, and therefore pairing together with a photographer you totally clash with can be a disaster just as it can be in dating.

Let’s put aside the technicalities and technologies that draw you in to your photographer. Forget that she has 12 years experience and gives you copyright, forget that he’s shooting with the biggest baddest camera in your area and has rubbed elbows with the guys who did the Kardashian wedding. None of that will matter if you can’t stand the person behind the lens.

Ask yourself whether you would be friends with this person if they were not your wedding photographer. As professional as they are in your business dealings, are they the type of person you can get along with on a totally unrelated to wedding photography level? Are you uncomfortable at all around your photographer, and when they crack a joke is it an uncomfortable smile or a genuinely happy and fun smile?

Take the time to read between the lines. A photographer who is nothing but business and has to ask you to smile every time is most likely going to produce flat staged photographs. Wedding photography is about your story. Is your story full of fake forced smiles? On the other hand, if their jokes are mildly offensive (not in a fun way) and you cringe when you think of what your mother might say, the level of professionalism is something to consider.

Perhaps the best photographer is a mixture of the starched business-all-the-way style and the wildly offensive show of silliness. Serious when it comes to signing paperwork and silly when it comes to getting those fresh genuine smiles out of you. So how do you find this person?

• Many photographers ask you out on a “coffee date” to plan your photography needs. This is a great opportunity to see what type of person they are without camera in hand. If your photographer books everything over the phone or internet, perhaps ask them if they would agree to a meet-and-greet.
• Engagement sessions are a fun way of taking your photographer out on a test drive. Perhaps if you’re not sure that this photographer will work well with you on your wedding day, schedule an e-shoot. The bonus is that you get photos that can be used on your Save The Dates and if you don’t end up liking the photographer, you’re not locked in to a contract for their services on your big day.
• Zodiac signs, if you’re into astrology, are something to look at. I personally cross check my brides for compatible zodiac signs to mine, and if I feel things aren’t going well or may not go well in the future, I will pass the job on to another photographer who might work out for them better. Remember that the Sagittarius photographer will be super creative and excited, but may wander away from finishing your final product (which is why I am thankful to be born on the Sagittarius/Capricorn cusp, so I stay creative yet focused enough to finish my job.)
• Consider whether the photographer is trying to be the boss of you, and whether that is a good thing. Remember that at the end of the day you’re the boss, but that the photographer has a job to do, and they (hopefully) know how to do it well. If you feel uncomfortable, this is a bad sign, but if your photographer is very reassuring they may just have a plan that will jump out later in the pictures and you’ll scream with joy.

A few tips you may want to consider for not bridezilla-ing your way into an unhappy photographer:

• Don’t micromanage the photographer’s work. There is a workflow, and there is a way things are done that have proven to be beneficial and produce the best results in their experience as a photographer. Let them handle it, and only step in if you feel that something is being truly mismanaged.
• Ask questions, but try to comprehend the answers and refer to your photographer’s website or the paperwork you signed. Every minute spent answering the phone to answer a question you went over at contract signing is another minute the photographer isn’t working on someone’s photos. This may mean very little to you, except that when the time comes to edit yours they still may be on that job.
• Realize that your photographer probably has other clients. You are most likely not the only paying job the photographer has at the moment, so stalking their Facebook and asking why another client’s pictures went up before yours isn’t going to get anything done any faster.

Most importantly, hire the professional that is right for YOU. Not your friend Jenny. Not who your mother would like. And not your cousin with a pretty good camera. Hire the one who you feel would be best for the task of recording your story into the family history books.

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People love a wedding if the fanfare surrounding the Kardashian wedding, the royal wedding, or the litany of wedding shows is any indication. As pointed out in a recent article by D.A. Wolf, the marriage, the part that extends beyond the ceremony is largely ignored by the media and even those getting married. This is why marriage and weddings should be separated from one another, and the actual planning of the marriage should be de-romanticized, to be planned under a sharp mind, with thoughts towards what justifies ending a marriage.

It seems that weddings and marriage have become synonymous. Mention an engagement, and the conversation shifts to when the big day is, what’s being planned for the ceremony, or how the proposal happened. The conversation rarely, if ever, discusses merging two lives together and establishing the foundation for that life, which will likely include children, perhaps even before the ceremony. Granted, social forays may be partly to blame. It may seem uncouth to pry into something so personal, but these topics must be discussed.

Or worse, one or both members of the couple will discuss their future life, their proposal and their plans through rose colored glasses. Love, soul-mate, destiny, these and other terms are vague, subjective words that obfuscate the gravity of the situation. This is why, when preparing to get married, the future Mr. and Mrs. should do two things, discuss a litany of criteria involving the future without these words, and discuss their divorceable offenses.

The first thing a couple should do is explain to one another why they’re getting married, without using the aforementioned words. This harkens back to an old idiom of writing; it’s better to show than to tell. If a couple cannot find concrete examples of why they love each other, without resorting to the vague words, they don’t understand each other enough to become a single life.

Further, as expectations and finance are top reasons for divorce, describe your fiscal plans. This should involve a complete disclosure of debts, assets, salaries, liens, and other costs. Failure to disclose this information, or reliance on vagaries, “we’ll get by”, “don’t worry, I have a plan” and others serves as a double red flag. It signals a reluctance to reveal yourself to your partner, but also basic or even willful ignorance of the future.

One other idea is for each person to present the other with a list of divorceable offenses. There is the obvious, infidelity, or at least unsanctioned infidelity, spousal abuse, hiding a devastating secret and others. But this is not the point. The point is for each person to verbalize the less obvious justifications for ending a marriage.

There are two reasons for this: the first being insight. Even though marriage is often advertised as the molding of two lives into one, such a fusion is impossible as they cannot share a mind. Without knowing what the other is thinking, they are dependent upon either determining the problem themselves or one day being told. If there are offenses horrendous enough to end a marriage, that aren’t part of the obvious offenses, it behooves both partners to let the other know as soon as possible.

Consider if one member of the couple engaged in the same destructive vice as their partner’s parent. Alcoholism, gambling addiction, drugs. Growing up with this in the household may be terrible enough, but to experience it yet again with their spouse would likely be too much for their marriage to handle. This exercise is merely trying to engage in more communication between the couples, but knowing both what to avoid and how dire it is considered can be invaluable.

There’s a more ulterior motive for vocalizing divorceable offenses however: secret feelings. Hiding aspects of our personality is common during the courtship process. But at some point, both have to show their hands, and it’s better to do so when they can afford to leave the table.

Consider if one member of the couple wrote that they would consider getting fat a divorceable offense. Perhaps to some having children warrants a divorce, or not having children, not having a boy, failing to meet standards of living established by only one member of the couple. It is quite possible that one person will have an expectation of the marriage that is so outrageous or unrealistic, or just horrifying that it would be grounds for ending the engagement.

Everyone has expectations about their spouse, some realistic, some not realistic. But isn’t it better to discover these expectations, both to determine if they are worth perusing and as a window into the other’s mind? Discovering that a partner is shallow enough to divorce over physical appearance might be a large enough red flag to justify backing out of the marriage. Better to leave in the beginning, rather than be left eight years into the marriages when she decides her husband has become too fat.

These ideas certainly will not save a marriage. Forging a new life is a complicated process with thousands of variables that can never be accounted for. Still, focusing on the grittier side of marriage, the expectations, the finances, and the painful, personal stuff that usually goes unsaid will go a long way towards creating a more stable union. This is best accomplished by eschewing frilly language and clearly communicating expectations, plans for the future, and skeletons from the past.

On August 22, 2006, my husband and I got married. It was shortly after we got married that I noticed he slept way too much. He always looked exhausted and never had any energy. His sex drive had also decreased. When we did have sex it wore him out. My husband started spending hours in the bathtub soaking in hot bath water while drinking piping hot brewed herbal chamomile tea. I worried and worried about him. Until finally, one day in December, 2006 I said, do you love me? He said, of course I do. I said, if you love me you will go to the emergency room. He finally broke down and said okay. I had been nagging him for weeks to go see a doctor or go to the emergency room. Since we don’t drive, I called up my mom and she took us. The emergency room did several tests and sent him home with a diagnosis, which later on would be an incorrect diagnosis.

We were recommended to a doctor, and an appointment was made for my husband. I think it was January in 2007 that my husband got to see the doctor. Well the doctor we were suggested to go and see set up a surgery date to have the problem removed. The day of the surgery, my husband’s surgeon said, let’s do a CT scan. That showed it was not what the doctors in the emergency room thought was causing all of my husband’s pain and exhaustion. It was the dreaded awful C word that no one wants to hear. It was cancer. Not just any cancer, it was testicular cancer in his left testicle, which was removed, I believe if my memory serves me correctly, the next day.

The tumor was removed surgically. Then my husband was recommended to see an oncologist. My husband’s skin was starting to turn yellow, and he was developing a bad odor. He was the shade of yellow that your skin turns when a bruise starts to heal. At this point he had no life at all. He stayed in the bed all of the time. He even lost interest in the computer. When he loses interest in the computer, that tells me right there that something is really wrong with him.

We went to see his oncologist, who told us my husband had a 57% chance of living. I was devastated. The oncologist said he needs severe chemotherapy since the cancer is in such an advanced stage. During his chemotherapy, my husband landed in the hospital three different times, due to losing his immune system. His chemotherapy lasted four months.

We had only been married for six months when he was diagnosed in February, 2007 with cancer. It was rough being a newlywed couple and having to go through this. It made not only a big impact on our sex life, but our marriage as well.

With me being nine years younger than him, I had a high sex drive and still do. I was just about climbing up the walls not having any sex or any sexual attention from him. The thought of cheating never even entered my mind. Even if it did, I would not have done it. The only thing that saved me from going absolutely nuts during that full year of no sex was my sex toy.

My husband later told me that the thought of sex just disgusted him. Since he was operated on near his penis, he told me that he didn’t even have any desire to masturbate either. After he was done with chemotherapy, I kept bugging him about sex for like six months. I said what if your oncologist says it is okay, would you want to then? He said we can ask him and see what he says. The oncologist said whenever you feel like it, that is when you can have sex again. My husband kept on putting it off. Finally, one day I said what if I can get you aroused and hard, would you want to try it? He finally said okay and within minutes I had him aroused, and we were back in action. It was naturally a quickie since it was his first time after his surgery and chemotherapy. He was exhausted afterward.

My mom told me years later that she was amazed that with me being a young bride at the time that I stayed right there with him through his battle with cancer. I said, well it was because I love him.

I think the cancer did make our marriage stronger. He said if it were not for me he would be dead. He never would have gone to the doctor on his own, since he doesn’t like doctors. He told me that no one ever cared for him like I do.

We just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary this year. While we still don’t have as much sex as I would like, I am just glad that he is still here on Earth with me.

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For her story, click this link.

I proposed to Ivy on a ski trip during spring break. It was Friday, March 18th, 2005. I had the ring commissioned back in late January, and had received it mid-way through February, so I had several weeks to sweat bullets over whether or not (A) she was going to say yes, and (B) if she was going to like the ring.

I started out my Spring Break with my mom and my sister, skiing up in Winter Park. They left for Austin on Wednesday, and I picked Ivy up at the airport several hours after. I knew as soon as I got the ring that I wanted to propose to her while we were up on the mountain, in some secluded area with no onlookers. Since it was Spring Break at Winter Park, one of Colorado’s most popular ski resorts, this was not going to be an easy task. So, I spent Thursday trying to subtly evaluate Ivy’s skiing skills, while simultaneously doing location scouting to pick a place that was in an area Ivy was comfortable skiing in, and that was pretty to boot.

I should also mention that for that entire week I was in Colorado, I had the ring sitting in the inside zipper pocket of my parka, so the ring was on my person at all times. As a result, I found myself checking to make sure it was still there, constantly.

But, I digress. By the end of Thursday, I had a good feel for Ivy’s skiing ability, but not the slightest idea on where I was going to propose. That night, I took her out to a fairly nice dinner, and barely slept at all. I knew that the next day had to be it, since we were flying back home on Saturday. The next morning we woke up to 12″ of fresh powder on the ground, and light snow showers predicted all day. Perfect.

We spent the morning skiing down a few trails, but none of them seemed like the right one. We broke for lunch, and after we had eaten, Ivy told me that she was probably only good for one more run. So, at that point, I did what any man worth his salt would do. I opened the trail map, and thought to myself, ‘This is it. It has to be on this next run… Which trail?!? Dear God, am I really doing this? Dear God I am doing this! Which trail? Do I still have the ring? How am I going to make sure there’s nobody around?? Is the camera charged?’ What I said was, “How about Lonesome Whistle? It’s a nice, long, pretty Green run, not too steep, and pretty wide open.” Ivy said, “Okay!” So, off we went.

On the lift up, the thought occurred to me, ‘…How am I going to get her to stop!?’ The next thing I knew, we were off down the trail, and then I realized, that if I got in front of her, she’d likely stop when I did. It would also make it less difficult to subtly scout for people, and the right spot. We were about a quarter of the ways down when that little voice inside my head that had been gently whispering at me to propose to her now was now screaming at me. And, conveniently enough, I was almost to a spot that I took one look at and said, “That’s the one.”

So, I started to pull off to the side of the trail when I realized something else I hadn’t thought of. How was I going to get her out of her skis? After I had pulled off to the side of the trail, I took off my skis, to make it easier to kneel, and Ivy pulled up next to me. “Why did you pull off?” she asked. Before I could think of how to answer that without letting the cat out of the bag, she asked, “Do you want to take pictures or something?” At that point, the voice inside my head was shouting, “Brilliant!” What I said was, “Yes! I just realized we don’t have any of us on the mountain.” Ivy then got out of her skis, and asked for the camera. She took my picture, and then I took hers.

I put the camera back in the pocket, and I palmed the ring as I took my hand back out. I said, “I just wanted to tell you that this has been an absolute blast, and I’d like to do this together with you for years to come. So, to that end….” at this point, in one fluid motion, I dropped to a knee, produced and opened the ring box, and asked, “Will you marry me?” At which point, it started snowing on the deserted run. Ivy extended a shaking left hand to me, and I slid the ring onto it. I got up, and she kissed me, not quite aware that she hadn’t actually said yes yet.

After we kissed, I looked a question at her, and she started laughing and said, “Yes! Yes, I will marry you! ….We need a picture!” At that point, almost as on cue, people started skiing by again, and Ivy was displaying her ring proudly, shouting, “He proposed!!” Eventually, we flagged down a rather nice Irish gentleman, who kindly took a picture of us.

The picture taken, and the ring given, we put our skis on again. I had a bit of trouble with that, due to the fact that my entire body was vibrating with excitement. We skied down a little ways, and I sensed that Ivy wasn’t with me anymore. I turned around and saw my new fiancé face down in the snow, and I thought to myself, “Dear God, I just killed my fiancé!”

I made my way back up the mountain and helped her out, and we skied the rest of the way down, to a relaxing hot tub soak, dinner, and many happy phone calls. It was a fantastic trip, a fantastic trip indeed.

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My husband proposed to me on a ski trip during spring break. It was Friday, March 18, 2005. When Knight first invited me to go skiing with him, I didn’t suspect anything. I hadn’t been skiing in a very long time, and I was pretty excited about the trip, but Knight was positively bouncing with anticipation. As the ski trip got closer and closer, Knight got more and more excited, and I began to suspect that something might be up. I actually confided to a friend that I suspected he was going to “pop the question” while we were on this trip.

He’d told me that we would be having dinner one night with some friends of his family that owned a romantic bed and breakfast in Winter Park. I thought that maybe he would propose after dinner that night. Knight was going up to Winter Park first with his mother and sister. Then they were going to fly back to Austin on the same day that I flew up to Colorado, and Knight would continue his vacation with me.

When I finally arrived in Winter Park, he was happy to see me, but he did seem a little odd. He would be bouncing around one moment, then go all quiet and subdued the next. Being rather moody myself, I didn’t think much about it. In retrospect, he was obviously vacillating between excitement and nervousness. Once we made it to the ski slopes, he seemed better. But maybe I was just distracted by trying to remember how to ski. The fact that the shape of skis had changed since I had learned to ski didn’t help.

Knight coached me on a few green runs, then I told him to go off and enjoy himself on the more demanding slopes while I got my ski legs back. By the end of the day, I had figured out the new skis and was doing better (At least I was falling down less). Knight and I went back to the hotel, had dinner, and soaked in the hot tub. I was tired and a bit sore, but I had had a wonderful time. I looked forward to skiing more the next day.

We woke up the next morning to 12″ of new powder on the slopes and a prediction of gentle snow showers the rest of the day. It was a perfect day for skiing. Again, Knight and I started out together on the green slopes, then I told Knight to go have fun on the blues and blacks. When we met for a late lunch, I was pretty tired. I also knew that tonight was the night that we were having dinner at his friend’s bed and breakfast, and I wanted time to take a long hot shower before we went.

I told Knight that I was probably only good for one more long run. We wanted it to be something we would both enjoy, so he took out the trail map and we looked for something good. He suggested “Lonesome Whistle” and pointed to it on the map. It was a long green starting very high on the mountain, and I wasn’t really sure I could handle it. But he assured me that it wasn’t too steep, and added that it was a really pretty trail. I thought, “What the hell! If I have any trouble, Knight will help me.” So I said, “Sure!”.

As we got up to leave the restaurant, I thought about taking some pictures of our last run. He’d been carrying the camera, since I was afraid that I’d fall on it and break it. So I patted his chest above where his inside pocket was and asked if the camera was okay. He got the strangest look on his face and put his hand over the pocket and said that the camera was fine. He then reached inside his parka, unzipped the pocket, felt around a little bit, then pulled out the camera, showed it to me and put it back in the pocket… very carefully. I thought his behavior was a little strange, but still didn’t figure out that he was carrying an engagement ring in that pocket.

We rode the lifts up the mountain and started down the slope. At first, Knight stayed with me, then he started skiing ahead of me. I was a little unhappy about that. I wanted to ski with him, not behind him. But then suddenly he pulled off to the side of the trail. I pulled off beside him as he was pulling his skis off. I was a little confused, and asked why he had pulled over, but immediately thought about the camera and asked, “Do you want to take some pictures?”

It was a really pretty spot with undisturbed powder on the side of the trail and snow covered evergreens in the background. He pulled out the camera, and we took a few pictures. I was disappointed that there was no one else around to take a picture of us together, but it was very peaceful and private. Knight put the camera back into his pocket and then started towards me. I was about to put my skis back on, but something about the way he was coming towards me made me hesitate. He got right up to me and he began to kneel in the snow. At that moment, I finally realized that he was going to propose.

I started smiling and laughing with excitement. I felt dizzy and didn’t hear what he was saying at first because of the buzzing in my ears. But the words, “Will you marry me?” came through loud and clear. And the ring made it even more obvious. I couldn’t say anything. I just held out my left hand towards him. He put the ring on my finger, then stood up and kissed me. After the kiss, he looked at me smiling, but with his eyebrows raised and a “waiting” expression. My brain finally started working again, and I realized that I hadn’t actually answered him.

I shouted, “Yes! Yes! I will marry you!”, laughing and shaking with happiness. I kept looking at the ring on my finger. It was beautiful!! Before the trip, he had taken me to look at rings, and in one shop there had been a vintage ring that I really liked. Unfortunately, it had been far too big for me, and it had also been made of white gold which I really didn’t like. I preferred rose gold. The ring he gave me was the same style as that ring, but in rose gold and sized to fit me perfectly.

He had had it custom made so I could have the exact ring that I wanted. What a wonderful, thoughtful, amazing man!!! I finally realized that some skiers had begun to ski past us. I held up my hand and yelled,”He proposed! He proposed!”. I think that may have embarrassed Knight. He may have tried to get me to stop shouting, but I’m not sure. I just wanted to show everyone my beautiful ring and let everyone know we were engaged. Eventually, I flagged down a nice young man with an Irish brogue and asked him to take our picture.

Afterwards, we started getting ready to finish the run down the mountain. I didn’t want to put my gloves on and cover up my sparkling ring, but I knew I had to. We started down, and I was doing pretty well considering how shaken I was, and that it was snowing, and that there was already about 12″ of powder on the slope. But then suddenly, my skis just stopped and my body kept going forward. I ended up face down in the snow.

Fortunately, the powder was pretty soft, but I’d ended up with my legs and skis going in opposite directions on the uphill side of my body. It was such an awkward position that I couldn’t get up on my own. I raised my head enough to see Knight look back at me and begin to climb the slope towards me. A nice girl stopped beside me and asked if I needed help. I glanced at her and then looked back at Knight. “No thanks,” I said. “My fiancé is coming to help me.”

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How soon is too soon? Should you live together first? Should a proposal be a surprise? Is it public or private? Should a girl tell her boyfriend what kind of ring she wants? Is a wedding really all about the dress?

I have been having so many conversations lately about marriage, engagements, and proposals. Not because I’m engaged, but because a lot of my friends are. A few are waiting for their rings, and most people want to know when I plan to get mine. After all, I’ve been in this relationship for a year, what are we waiting on? (Their words, not mine.)

Many of my friends are very “pro-active” in their personal marriage dance. I have friends who went so far as to book a venue over a year in advance (before they had a ring) because they were planning their wedding already. I have other friends who literally designed their own engagement ring. Some people I know get engaged because they want the ring, but go for years without setting a date!

I, on the other hand, am somewhat traditional in the proposal, wedding, marriage dance. (I think.) I want to be surprised when I get engaged. I don’t want to know it’s coming, and I don’t want to worry that pressure from me is the only reason he is popping the question. If he talks to my dad and/or step-dad I don’t want anyone to tell me ahead of time! I don’t want other people to be present, because I feel that is a very personal and private moment, and I don’t want anyone else involved.

I don’t want to pick out my own ring. An engagement ring is a gift. It is a symbol. Yes, I know that I will wear it for the rest of my life, and some girls want to determine exactly what that will be, but (for me) that isn’t how an engagement ring works. When someone knows you that well, they know your tastes, or at the very least they know which of your friends know your tastes. It is a gift.

I don’t want to pre-plan my wedding. I don’t want to pick a season, a dress, and flowers ahead of time, because I don’t want a very long or very short engagement. I want to be flexible about everything, so that when the time comes for me to get married, I can plan a wedding with my future husband that suits us, and suits the circumstances at that time. I don’t want to have enormous expectations of that day, to the point that I lose sight of the important part: I’ll be getting married to the person that I love!

I know that I am in a minority among my friends on a lot of these points. I’m somewhat simple and traditional on a lot things. I know that we have such a diverse community here, and some of us want this traditional marriage and family set-up. Others aren’t allowed to marry who they love even though they really want to. There are plenty who don’t believe in traditional marriage at all.

What are your thoughts? Are you married? Did you have a big or small wedding? Do you hope to be married? Are you a pre-planner? Do you want to pick out your own ring? How important is the wedding versus the marriage itself?

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There are a lot of reasons to stay married. Albeit they might be stupid ones to some … but they are still reasons … nonetheless.

1) Divorce, like crack, is whack.

2) Tax breaks.

3) When you make a “death do us part” vow … I mean … it pretty much speaks for itself.

We have been going through it. D and I. It has been one of the many valleys in our hilly relationship. But that’s okay. If we lived on top of this plateau where the birds chirped all day and rainbows filled the skies above us … never experiencing any issues … I am sure that I would be overly bored, and would have kicked his ass off the cliff a long damn time ago.

I am a fighter. A knock-down-drag-out fighter.

If shit is not working, fine. I begin to dig in my toolbox of awesomeness to find the right wrench to fix whatever the problem is. That is how I grew up. I watched my parents work so hard at perfecting their marriage. They fought. My dad slept on many a couch. My mom cussed. But at the end of the day, they knew that there was no other option than to make it work.

So in this valley lies lack of communication between two people who love each other very much. When does your best friend become a total stranger? Why is it so difficult to say what would usually be the easiest thing to say? How do you reside in the same four walls and a roof, but it is almost as if there is no one else there but you?

Thank God we are beginning the climb back up to the top again.

All it took to begin the journey back up was a simple, yet meaningful conversation.

All is right in my Wicked world again. *grin*

If you could retract any one lie you have ever told, what would it be?

If you were given $5000 to spend in one store, what store would you spend it in?

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My husband was out of the house, and I was laying on the bed petting my rabbit when I learned something important about my sex life. I was petting my rabbit exactly the way he liked it, and like happy rabbits will do, he started “tooth purring” which is when they rub their teeth together to show they’re happy. The more I petted him, the more he purred – that is, until he’d had enough. Then, he nipped me and continued to lay there. I reached out to pet him again, and he lightly nipped me one more time. A light bulb went off in my head, and I realized what I needed to do with my husband. But alas – let me start at the beginning.

My husband and I have been married for 32 years now. For most of that time, our sexual relationship has been feast or famine, with our average sexual life being 20 minutes, once a week, where we would both orgasm once. Being the thoughtful lover that he is, my husband has always tried to take care of my needs first by massaging my clitoris.

About three weeks ago, we added sex toys to our marriage, and our play times increased to about 45 minutes twice a day. Why? Well for one thing, we discovered that I am multi-orgasmic, and I can have ten or more orgasms in a session. Something was awakened in me, and I needed to release it after all of these years. Suddenly, my back stopped hurting, and I was able to think clearly and not struggle with depression. I even had more energy for housework!

My husband didn’t worry about keeping up with me, because he did not need that much release. We found that he needed release about once every two days, so most of our efforts and energy were spent on me. We bought toy after toy, and I started buying pretty lingerie, because although I’m a plus size gal, I suddenly felt like a woman. It started out as the best of times…and led to the worst of times.

What had started as a more enjoyable way to express our love for each other became mainly a physical challenge. Both of us bought into the, “wow…wonder how many orgasms she can have this time?” mindset, and that became our focus. I was starting to feel like the toy, and like I had to perform.

Now let me share a bit about rabbits, because this is where my rabbit comes in. He lives in our bedroom and sleeps on the bed with us. He loves it when one or both of us pet him, and he’s very demanding of attention. But, unlike people who have to worry about hurting someone’s feelings, rabbits only care about themselves. They have two ways of communicating when they want attention, and when they don’t want attention. The first way is to nudge at another rabbit or a person. They will nudge your hand or leg or whatever to say, “Hi, I’m here. Pay attention to me.” If that doesn’t work, or if they get frustrated, they will then nip. Some rabbits will nip hard and others will nip softly. But they aren’t afraid to use their teeth to get the message across. Now, if a rabbit is shy about their relationship with another rabbit, they may run away instead of nudging or nipping, because they don’t have that comfort level with someone else.

As I laid on the bed petting my rabbit, I realized that he didn’t want to move or be away from me. He just wanted me to stop petting him right then. The attention was irritating him. He wanted to stay by my side and just be in my presence. To be honest, he truly didn’t care how he had to get the message across, because he knew what he wanted and he was comfortable enough in our relationship to nip.

I realized that I needed to “nip” my husband by talking to him and asking for a bit of time off from sex.

When my husband got home, I asked if we could talk, and I asked him to hear me all the way out before he answered. Then I said, “I love you, and I love our sex life and the way you wear me out. But I’m tired and worn out physically and emotionally. I’m struggling, because I’m starting to feel like I’m the toy. I don’t know about you, but I find myself thinking about all the different toys and positions and entering a play time thinking, ‘how many orgasms will I have this time?’ and it bothers me. Toys have gone from enhancing our relationship to becoming our relationship, at least for me.  Now if you need release, I want to help you and enjoy that. But I really need a break for 24-48 hours to let my body and mind rest. Will that be ok?”

I was shocked at his immediate, “Sure! I just wanted to please you.”

Now, I think saying “no” to sex worked as well as it did for a few reasons. For one thing, we have tried to build an honest and open communication style between us for years, and tried to learn to listen to each other. Because of this, I think he was open to hearing me out.

But the way I phrased things also helped him understand me. For example, I did not blame him for my feelings, and I acknowledged that I was making myself feel like a toy. I also stated that I wanted to make sure that HIS needs were met, because I didn’t want him feeling he was being dropped into the black hole of “sex once a week again”. I let him know that I enjoyed helping him and would love to do so. But I also did one other thing and that was, I gave him a time frame of how long I felt like I needed a break. This wasn’t for weeks or months. I just needed a day or two to work through what I was experiencing and feeling.

I’m sure you may be wondering exactly how this story ends.  Did we have to wait long? How did things change? Did we ever have sex again?

Well, later that night, I was laying in bed when I realized that I wanted to lay in my husband’s arms. We hadn’t slept like that in a few days – so I touched him, and rubbed his back and shoulders and he rolled over and gathered me in his arms. As he did so, my rabbit realized I was awake and came over to lay beside “mommy”. Both my honey and I reached out to pet the rabbit and show him we love him, and as I watched the rabbit continually nudge my husband for pets when he stopped, and would see my husband wake up a bit to pet MY rabbit, I thought about what a kind and generous and caring husband I have. My emotions started to focus back on my husband as a person rather than being a “boy toy” to help me enjoy sex.

I can’t tell you we had sex that night – because it was only last night. But I can tell you that after thinking about my husband for the last 12 hours, when he gets home I will nudge my bunny to make him get off the bed – no matter if he nips me. Why? Because its time to say “yes” again…and again…and again.

So, for a few years there, my wife kinda went nuts. I don’t mean she had psychiatric illness or a breakdown or something. In some ways, it was worse, because for so long, there was no cure and no effective therapy.

She got pregnant and decided to get into things like attachment parenting.

Now, I’m not knocking the attachment parenting concept—we ended up doing a modified version of it, with some more traditional parenting sprinkled in, and there’s a lot of good to it. But it meant that my wife, who had already mostly reared a son by a previous marriage in a more old-school way, was frequently on forums, and blogs, and shit online that were constantly bombarding her with the natural uber-involved mommy thing. This left me with a mix of pro-and-con feelings: Nursing our child for the first couple years or so…cool. Gentle parenting…mostly OK with that. Co-sleeping… well, nice to be connected with child more emotionally, but hell on the sex life. Cloth diapers…not so much in favor of that—in fact, never ever again. Unschooling…no fucking way. You get the idea.

My wife never went completely woo-woo and got totally “mommy mad.” You get a high-energy, stubborn girl like ours—currently six going on dictator—and someone like my wife will finally overcome the hormones, and the groupthink and all that, and start bringing some common sense into the mix, along with the newest new-agey stuff. Which is good, because some of the things she read to me from attachment parenting and mommy sites over the years—or that I read over her shoulder when giving her neck rubs during her web surfing—really didn’t seem good for the parents or the kids sometimes. Too much of anything, including liberal parenting policies, is a bad thing.

Also, I’m glad the people in these online venues didn’t totally steal my wife’s mind during her hormonally vulnerable time, because seeing and hearing some of the online rants by uber-mommies also made me feel really bad for the husbands of the women who drink the full-on stay-at-home-mommy-goddess-superwoman-Kool-Aid.

I’m not knocking stay-at-home moms. My wife did it the first couple years of our kid’s life. Many of my online friends are stay-at-home moms or dads. I myself, am a work-at-home dad with a mostly work-at-home wife. But I have to say that there are a large number of stay-at-home moms out there who seem to have some really screwed up attitudes about sex—most particularly a complete lack of realism about male sexuality (and often their own needs, too).

Let me note that I’m a sensitive guy. I love to please, and often to give without receiving. So, clearly, I don’t mind a woman who “gets over” a little bit on a guy. Who takes a bit more than she receives — as long as she doesn’t go too far. But as bad as overdoing the “women gets more” in the bed can be when taken to extremes, that’s NOT what the moms I’m complaining about are doing. The crazed version of the stay-at-home moms just take sex out of the equation entirely, a whole other sort of hell. I can understand wanting to scale back sex when you’re a busy parent (and attachment parenting makes you a busy and beleaguered parent indeed), but most certainly let’s not reject sexual connections in favor of parenting alone. Based on the things that some of these women would post on the mommy forums, I think their husbands would get more loving treatment at the hands of a viciously sadism-minded mistress with a full dungeon than from their current spouses.

One of the things I saw a lot of was women complaining that their male partners wanted to… *gasp*… have sex with them. They often saw this as a terrible imposition. How dare he want sex! Why, I’m “touched out” from spending all day with the kid (or kids) hanging off me! I breastfeed all day and co-sleep with my kids, and I just don’t have anything more to give!

OK, fair enough…maybe.

You’ve decided to be focused on your kids, and you don’t have any libido or energy for sex. Understandable.

Except, of course, for the ones who’ve apparently been denying their partners regular sex not just for a limited period of time, but for years upon years, because he’s some kind of second-class citizen in the family whose sole role is to make money to support the family and shut up. (Truly, some of the women who post on parenting forums and blogs, and the other women who back them up on their diatribes, are an amazingly scary kind of domineering shrew mixed, with equal parts 1970’s feminist and 1950’s mom…a combo I would previously have thought impossible. Many of them refuse to work any job other than being a mother, then they complain that the man doesn’t make enough money, and during all this, they give the man little or no say in how the children will be raised…plus, when he comes home exhausted from supporting his family, he can’t even get any nookie. But he’s still expected to do half the chores.)

So, these very same women, who have gone off the deep end and put their husbands in some emotional and metaphorical version of the “gimp box” from the movie Pulp Fiction, also seemed to get offended if the father of their children wants to jack off. The motto seems to be: If I’m not willing to give it to you, no one can, not even your dominant hand.

And dear God, pity the poor fool who has any porn on his smart phone or computer, and his keeper…I mean, woman…finds out.

Man, this is when the most cold-shouldered and mean-tempered moms on these forums would lose it.

So many posts my wife read to me with mixed horror and amusement, as one woman or another expressed burning indignation that the man she’s denied sex to, and overworked, and bossed around for months or years, has pictures or videos of nude women to which he presumably jacks off. Almost without fail, they expressed terrible feelings of violation, rejection and betrayal. They fretted over whether they should immediately kick him out or divorce him over the possession of porn, and other posters would rush to their defense online to echo the “he either needs to give up the porn or get out!” clarion call.

The mere fact that the man had porn was seen as a sign that he didn’t respect women, particularly the mother of his children. It was instantly assumed to be an all-consuming addiction that was keeping him away from real intimacy with his family (never mind that the woman is too “touched out” to even cuddle with him, much less fuck him, and that his family is probably fast asleep by the time he gets home—seems like a lot of these guys had to work overtime or multiple jobs to support the household). The use of porn and desire to pleasure himself was seen as some terrible, icky moral failing on the man’s part, and something that the woman was honor-bound to cure him of, punish him for or—apparently the gold standard—both.

Now, this ISN’T the world of ALL stay-at-home moms. I realize this. I’m not generalizing, but rather pointing out a very vocal sub-species that is scary as hell. Certainly, you’d see some other woman come in and perhaps defend the man’s position. But the sane ones, when they weren’t blocked or banned by forum admins, usually got shouted down by a huge chorus of voices among forum members, which makes me think that this scary subgroup of women, while not the majority, might be pretty large anyway. I recognize, of course, that in some types of forums, the more extreme people are drawn to it, and that might explain some of the overwhelming numbers.

But still, it was frightening how many of them I saw on those forums, and how quick they were to band together over the importance of family first, while ironically and hypocritically hurting a key member of the family—emasculating their men, and denying them really anything but shelter and food.

Now, we’re here at Eden Cafe, so chances are slim that any of those women are around reading this. Y’all who are reading me now are probably sexually aware enough to realize that both partners should be able to get their rocks off, either together or solo, as the situations warrant. Some of you may be against porn, and there are valid reasons to be against much of it, but I doubt very many of you are against sex and masturbation.

So, I guess this article is mostly for the benefit of entertainment. And venting on my part, on behalf of some oppressed members of my gender.

But on the off chance that a woman of the type I’ve mentioned happens along here and sees this, or plasters this article on a blog with an invitation to her peers to come make my life miserable for deriding them, let me say this:

Porn can be your friend. Masturbation, too. Ideally, both in combination.

And no, I don’t mean they’ll be your friend personally, because you’re probably too “touched out” to touch yourself. But if you fancy the idea of continuing to stay at home and have a stable income when you choose a job with no income (full-time at-home parenting), you might want to keep the guy in the house. If you aren’t going to take care of him, and he’s willing to take care of his own needs with some porn…well, I’d say that’s a lot better deal for you than him waking up, smelling the dead roses, and finding a woman other than you who realizes that family life includes the needs of all members of the family, and not just the mom and children.