Before I met my current partner I was in a really bad place. I was a young girl who craved attention and acceptance from any man that crossed my path. At the time I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I had a feeling something was always missing. I tried to fill the void I felt in my life with any attention I could get. Even though it normally ended in me feeling used, ashamed, and embarassed. For some reason I continued on with this life style for a long time.

I lost my virginity when I was 13 years old. To a previous boyfriend who at the time I thought loved me. Like I even understood what love was back then. I look back at that relationship, years later, and wonder how I was so stupid. We had casual, semi-decent sex for about six months. We broke up soon after that. Feeling alone and lost, I looked for the next person to fill the void in my life.

[quote type="center"] I lost my virginity when I was 13 years old…[/quote]

I continued down this road for a long time. By the time I was 16, I had already been with 15 people. I was always that girl who would date a guy for a few months, fuck his brains out, then leave him. I was always looking for something better. I slept with guys my age, and guys six to eight years older than me. After every sexual encounter, I was never satisfied. The void was still there, and I just felt used. Every “orgasm” I had was faked to make the guys think they were doing good. In some crazy place in my mind, this had become a normal sexual encounter. This was my way of “loving” someone. Any tiny bit of sexual attention I received made me feel great, so great that I would do almost anything for it. I actually lied to my parents when I was younger to sleep over at this older guys house to have sex with him all night. Another time, I had sex with a fuck buddy of mine, in the woods on a rock in the middle of the winter. All I remember is not being able to find where I placed my pants, and being incredibly embarassed that I might not find them. My favorite time was in a elevator. The doors were messed up and you could pull them apart and stop in between floors. He stopped the elevator, and all I remember is slamming myself as hard as I could up and down on his cock.

I couldn’t help myself. I was always sneaking around even when I had a boyfriend. Messing around with whoever I could that I thought was “hot”. I was a whore. I knew it. I felt it. For some reason I couldn’t stop. For a very small amount of time, having sex with these men made me feel beautiful, loved and wanted. I loved having a fuck buddy I could call and they would be at my house in a moments notice!

[quote type="center"] I couldn’t stop. It made me feel loved…[/quote]

I was the girl who always had guys as friends. I never dressed girly. I kind of act like a guy. I hate shopping. Hell, I didnt wear a dress for over 18 years! And I didn’t own a pair of heels until two years ago (just starting wearing them a lot this past year). I was never part of their group. I wanted to fit it and it never happened. So I stuck with the boys.

I didn’t really feel like I had to have sex with any of the guys that I did. Well not for the most part. A lot of them were virgins, and I couldn’t keep my hands to myself! A few years after I lost my virginity, I was in a couple bad relationships. They made me rethink the kind of guys I was hanging out with and dating.

[quote type="center"] I had to rethink… [/quote]

But there was always this one guy. He was always there. I knew him my whole life, and he was always there to support and love me as my friend. I knew he was the one for me after everything he helped me through. We hung out for about eight months before we started dating. I honestly didn’t even want to be in another relationship yet. Somehow he changed my mind. I’ve never met somebody who puts me first and loves me the way he does. It blows my mind that someone is as caring as he is. He’s the totally opposite from what I thought I’d end up with. He’s brought out the best in me, and for the first time in my life I have been able to be faithful. I can’t lie. It was hard at the beginning to stay faithful to him. I was so use to sneaking around. The last thing I had been in prior relationships was faithful. After the first six months, it wasn’t even on my mind.

[quote type="center"] I asked him to marry me! [/quote]

I always thought I would be one of those girls who never gets married. Somehow I was the one who ended up asking him to marry me! I love him for everything he’s helped me through. I love that I can be myself, and he loves to explore my interests. He’s brought out the best in me and made me a new, great person. He has finally helped fill the void I felt. And on top of it, he was able to help me have my first real orgasm!

I remember my first love. I was 14 and crazy about him; he could literally do no wrong. I wanted to spend every second with him- I remember our long talks on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, the laughs, the sex jokes, the intimacy.

Intimacy…intimacy? I think this was the first time in my life that I ever really thought about this word, that it had any meaning in my own life. But it was there, this I knew for sure. I felt it every time he said he loved me, every smile he would crack, every time we would laugh. I didn’t know how to define it; I’m still not sure that I do, but nevertheless, I felt it.

Sadly, that relationship had a tragic ending- it was like something out of a sappy romance novel. But unlike the story books, there was no epilogue. It was a pain that ran so deep through me, that made me hate myself, become stuck in my own head. It made me regret ever being born.

Depression

A few months later, I was diagnosed with depression. I remember the pain I felt, sitting in the doctors office. It was everything I could do to not burst into tears. I felt my heart being torn open, my secrets spilling out, when all I wanted to do was hide.

After a few weeks of being forced to swallow my medication every morning, I noticed a little spring in my step. I held up my head when I walked, I smiled when I saw a familiar face. The funny thing was, I almost MISSED being the girl I was before. The girl who hid from the world, who cried at even a glimpse of a love scene, who cried herself to sleep every night. I no longer felt the pain, no, but I also didn’t feel the euphoria that being in love brought me. I didn’t think about it 24/7, it didn’t haunt me as I dreamt. It was all ending. As confused as I was, I liked being happy. I really started making an effort in school, at home, and in my activities. The progress I was making was evident, and I bathed in it. I was once again glad to be alive.

I started to suddenly notice guys again. I felt lust for others, wanted once again to fall in love, but to leave my past in the past. I wanted to be renewed. I asked myself if I could ever share that with anyone else; ever have that same level of intimacy.

Relearning

For a long time, the answer was no. I simply couldn’t open myself up. There was still a wall around my heart, and it would take more than a few kind words to tear it down. I simply couldn’t fathom feeling for someone else what I once felt for him. So, I remained single; alone. I had no choice.

But once again, I wanted to be in love. I developed a crush on a guy I did theater with, and this time I didn’t just let it pass. I tried with everything in me to get him. He rejected me in the end, but it taught me something about myself; If I want a lifetime of intimacy, I would have to go through a few years of pain.

Once I learned this lesson, I saw things begin to change for me. I realized that I might not find my prince charming tomorrow, and that I had to accept that. If I ever wanted to find what I once had with my ex, I had to go out there and look! It was silly to expect my perfect man to show up at my front door. That simply isn’t life. To find someone to share yourself with, you have to take the risk of being hurt. I had to live through heartbreak if I wanted to eventually find happiness.

Now

So, where am I now? I’m living. I have several love interests, and I am having fun. I have found men who truly appreciate me for the woman I am, and who love me for me. I have intelligent conversation, and passionate encounters. And you know what, I am loving it! I am really having the time of my life right now, and I wouldn’t want to trade it for anything in the world. All of them mean something to me, and we all share intimacy. I feel it in every breath I take, in every word that I speak. To deny it would be to deny myself. It’s so amazing , but I realize the reason I am in this place is because of where I was before. I had to be lonely in order to be with someone else, rejected in order to be accepted, and in pain in order to be in love. I am living intimacy, and more importantly, it is living inside of me.

… Despite all the story-line-changing catastrophes.

So there’s this show on SyFy called Eureka. By the end of the very first minute of the very first episode, I was hooked. The cast is amazing. The story line intrigues, grabs your attention, makes you laugh, puts you in suspense, educates. And it’s being cancelled after next season. Makes me sad. It’s one of the best damn shows I’ve ever seen.

It’s one of those quirky dramas like Chuck or Pushing Daisies that can be viewed by just about anyone. There’s no strong language and most of the explosions are by sheer accident. Genius + technology, in this case, means lots of wayward laser beams, invisible cars and a few jokes that are way, way over my head.

But their relationship development is what makes me grin. Eureka’s writers found ways to step outside of societal norms and make the way things developed for each couple perfectly okay, if a little outlandish.

In the beginning, Jack Carter (Colin Ferguson) lands in Eureka purely by accident. Since his divorce, he’s been having issues with his teenage daughter Zoe. She ran away from home so Jack, while doing his job as a US Marshal, picked Zoe (Jordan Hinson) up to bring her home. Naturally, good ol’ Murphy decided to step in, and Jack’s car broke down in Eureka. We’re sure you can guess the rest of the story. Jack helped the town of Eureka solve a genius-induced calamity. The town sheriff was forced to retire by a genius-induced calamity. And whiz, bang, BOOM! There’s a new, sexy, down home sheriff with one of the warmest grins you’ve ever seen in town, and his name is Jack Carter.

A girl could get lost in those eyes.

Carter and Tess – Continuing with the “whiz, bang, BOOM!” theme, Jack and Tess (Jaime Ray Newman) meet by accident. I don’t remember all the details. She’d driven off the road or some such. (What? You’re telling me you remember all the details of your love interest falling in love with someone else?) And Jack, being the all-American guy he is, stops to help. Or maybe it’s his job? I mean, he is the sheriff. But knowing Jack like I do, I’m willing to bet he’d stop whether or not he was obligated by something other his own community-oriented personality.

Of course they argued. Of course the arguments were just a cover for their attraction to each other. And of course, they end up dating for a while.

But it turns out Tess was just a distraction from his main interest. Allison Blake (Salli Richardson-Whitfield). The bane of my existence. (I’m kidding. Both these ladies are awesome in character and out.)

Allison and Stark – At first, it’s okay that Jack’s in love with Allison, cause Allison’s ex-husband, Nathan Stark (Ed Quinn), shows up and he’s saying all the right things. Stark wasn’t ready to be a father and husband. His family took a backseat to his career. But when he finally agreed to a divorce, he realized what was important and manages to talk his way back into Allison’s life.

Stark proposes, but dies on their wedding day saving the world. And later, Allison finds out she’s pregnant with his child, a fact that ultimately draws Jack in more.

Carter and Allison – This is the single most infuriating relationship in the history of all television romances. For five years, Jack and Allison go back and forth with each other. The attraction is so obvious you’d swear the air around these two crackles with desire when they’re in a room together. Even though, for a moment, infatuation with Tess and Stark cools the flames between Jack and Allison, through the entire series there is no doubt the pair belongs together. But every time they get close, something happens to prevent it. Like total annihilation of the space time continuum, or returning from 1947 to find you’re in a serious relationship with an old girlfriend.

I think I’d move.

Jo and Zane – The situation between Jo (Erica Cerra) and Zane (Niall Matter) is equally infuriating. The two hook up in a most hilarious way.

Zane is a screw-up, Robinhood genius who mostly acts out for good reasons, like donating to a cause he really believes in. Jo is a strong military woman who is so good at what she does she landed a job as the sheriff’s deputy in a federally funded town dedicated to the smartest, most ambitious geniuses in the world. Oil and water, you’d think, and at first it seems you’d be right. But from the minute they meet, there are sparks between these two so electrifying that Jo doesn’t even really mind when Zane uses her credit card to mail order a bunch of delicious lingerie.

It’s eventually Zane’s assertion that though Jo may not be a genius, she’s amazing in so many other ways that seals the deal. Until Jo’s whisked away to 1947 before she has a chance to respond to Zane’s marriage proposal and returns to present day to find he’s still the same annoying pain in the ass he was when they first met.

This show’s inherent need to destroy perfectly good relationships with some genius-induced calamity is infuriating! But they make up for it by creating a beautiful, if bewildering, relationship between two people who barely knew each other before the timeline change.

Henry and Grace – Henry (Joe Morton) and Grace (Tembi Locke) are thrown together by time travel, making them the most unusual relationship development plot of the bunch. What’s neat about this is the way they chose to go with the relationship’s story line. Instead of Henry just slipping into Grace’s life, pretending to be the husband she remembers and loves, Henry expresses discomfort in sharing a life with this woman. Even when he realizes he’s in love with her, he does his best to make sure he’s not overstepping his bounds as a (almost) stranger. And eventually, he breaks his vow to keep his adventure in the past secret and tells Grace he’s not her husband.

Of course, she’s angry at first. She wants her husband back. But as time goes on, she realizes that the Henry we’ve followed since the beginning is the same man as her Henry and she proposes.

Holly and Fargo - This is, by far, my favorite relationship and couple development in the whole series. Dr. Holly Marten shows up to do an evaluation. She’s a quirky little redhead (Felicia Day) who is a nervous talker and a bit of a dweeb, and Fargo (Neil Grayston) is hooked from the moment he sees her. But even with his new position as head of Global Dynamics (which was thrust upon him with his return from 1947), Dougie’s still just an adorable nerdy dweeb himself, and he’s petrified of making the first move.

Yet another genius-induced calamity almost puts the kybosh on their budding relationship ever being more than just awkward sexual tension and cautious innuendo. But before long, Holly and Fargo are making all sorts of mistakes and having issues performing at their careers and realize the only way to “fix” it is to do something about their attraction. And Holly’s idea, not Doug’s, is to just have sex and be done with it.

Doug gets some advice from new-timeline-Zane, who, being the typical guy, says go for it! How many dorky guys do you know who’ve had such a hottie just throw herself at them? But it turns out this advice is all wrong for Doug. Fargo’s more interested in getting to know Holly and developing a relationship with her, and the idea of just discharging the sexual energy and moving on makes him more than just a little bit uncomfortable.

Doug got what he wanted. They’ve gotten to know each other, and are officially a couple. And when he told Holly he loves her, she responded by telling him she feels like the luckiest girl alive. Oh… and initiating their first sexual encounter on fake Titan. And trumpets sounded and angels sang as Holly told Fargo they’d have their third lovemaking session on real Titan. For me, anyway. I think I was more excited about them finally consummating the relationship they’d been developing than they were!

Awesome as these relationships and characters are, what makes them even better is they’re not traditional. And that’s okay. Granted, SyFy seems to be ahead of the game in that area. A little more liberal and less “This is how society is and how it should be and we are god so you must do this.” than most mainstream media. Maybe it’s the nature of the beast? It’s kinda difficult to have “normal” characters and relationships in an abnormal town. Especially with all the jumping around in time.

In my mind, this is how TV should be. I mean, really. How many “normal” people do you know?

I have recently found myself single after being married for four years. It wasn’t easy to jump back into the dating scene, especially after a breakup that should have never happened, but about a year ago, I was in that boat. I quickly got my profile on dating sites to try and get my confidence high enough that I didn’t hate myself. I have never had any luck on those sites, but I felt I was desperate at the time. Also during this time I played an MMORPG, and it helped pass the time while I was in a horrid mood. During this time, I met a guy who I really liked right away on the game, and we hit it off.

I found out about his kinks right away. He liked to make crazy bets with friends and end up wearing embarrassing outfits because of it. I’m sure he had expected many times that he was going to win, but always underestimated his friends. These outfits ranged from being double diapered for 13 hours to hooker outfits. He told me about a few of these crazy bets early on and asked if I wanted to see pictures, but I felt embarrassed for him and didn’t want to see him that way. I knew I liked him, and I guess I felt I needed to get to know him before seeing him in any type of humiliating position. I also knew that he was fond of paddling and spanking when I first got to know him. From the many years of dating, you don’t usually find out about things like that until after you have been intimately involved for awhile. This guy was not shy, and it was refreshing.

I had assumed that along with the kinks that he had, that he was experienced sexually. Usually someone that is into BDSM and other kinky things has had sex. I was totally wrong. He was a virgin in his late 20’s, waiting for the right woman to marry and settle down with to have a family. His beliefs are for religious reasons, and it completely shocked me. I hadn’t been in a relationship sans sex since high school. I had just gotten out of a relationship where I had sex mostly on a regular basis. This was going to be a new experience, or an old one back from when I didn’t really think of other options.

We started dating and seeing each other as often as we could. He had moved to about six hours away, so I could take weekend trips at least once a month. As our relationship progressed, the kink has increased, but the no sex has stayed the same. We haven’t even had oral sex, not to say I haven’t offered. I did, and he shot me down, saying he would wait until he was married for that. I thought maybe at the time he just wasn’t sure how he felt about me yet, and maybe he would change his mind about that. I honestly have never wanted to go down on a guy as much as I want to go down on him. It’s quite thrilling thinking about it, and I do think I need to bring that up.

What we do have is a lot of bdsm. He is really into paddles and straps and has quite the collection. We have made some bets and just haven’t gone through with the humiliating things so far, although he has become my puppy a few times. We both have submissive and dominant qualities, which is nice, for the most part. It just feels very strange to be spanked, tied up, forced to wear an anal plug, but not have any sex involved. I feel like I am in a situation that no one would understand.

I do feel like every time I see him, his feelings for me grow. We have a connection, and I hope that everything isn’t a waste. I’m not in my 20’s anymore. I don’t want to date just for the sake of having fun. It is all quite strange, and I hope it goes somewhere more than just being a kinky girl that he dated. I can honestly say that he has opened my eyes to new and exciting things, and I would like to keep doing that with him.

I go to the same old bar I normally frequent. I’m not out looking for anything specifically, but I’m open to the possibilities. I made sure to wear some of my best underwear just in case, and to smell of flowers and pretty girl things. I walk inside, grab a drink, and take a seat where I can observe the bar patrons. I finish half of my drink before I decide to get up and “make my rounds” so I can scope out the scenery. I make small talk with a few of my acquaintances, chitchat with people I’ve spoken to here before. That’s when I see you. You’re either getting a drink, or sitting with a couple friends. I subtly inspect you from afar, look at how you’re dressed, your body language, and everything else I’m able to notice from this distance. I notice that you’ve noticed me, as well. I catch you sneaking glances at me, and we begin playing some kind of silly game of tag with our eyes. Both of us are wondering if the other is creeped out by this weird interaction, or genuinely interested.

I walk past you, making sure you notice the nonchalant smile I flash in your direction. I head outside for a smoke. I count in my head the seconds it takes you to end up making your way out here. “One. . . two . . . three . . .” You can’t rush out the door right after me, because you don’t want to look like you’ve come outside just to talk to me. You’re playing it cool. Next thing I know, you’ve decided that your nicotine alarm has just gone off, as well. What a coincidence? We stand there for a few awkward moments, listening in on the conversations of the other people taking part in the same activity. Finally, after the final pass in our visual game of tag, one of us says something. “I like your tattoos. Where do you get them done? Look at these, I have some, too.” That’s probably the easiest way to start a conversation with a stranger.

We end up carrying on in this cliché small-talk manner for a while after our cigarettes have expired. We may smoke another one just for an excuse to stay outside. Now that I have a closer view of you, I begin sizing you up. No, I’m not looking for a bulge in your pants, or anything like that. Mostly, I’m looking at your hands, noting how well (or poorly) manicured they are, and the shape of them. If someone is going to be touching me, I want them to have nice hands. I’ve already decided whether or not I’m going to sleep with you. Yes, I am. Now, I’m just trying to estimate how good it will be. I’ve been through this so many times that I can almost predict how good you are in bed, what your style is, and what you’re working with. Eventually, you ask me if you can buy me a drink. You certainly can. Buying someone a drink in this sort of scenario is a non-verbal way of saying “Let’s make this a lot less awkward, because I’m really digging you.”

You make sure to not overstep your boundaries. You may call me pretty in a subtle way. You may compliment me on some feature, but you’re not trying to look desperate. Can I tell you how much of a turn-off that is? The last thing I want is to give it up to some guy like that. You’re really impressing me with your game tonight. Things start to get more comfortable. The conversation isn’t missing a beat. The chemistry between us is pretty apparent. I can already see us all hot and sweaty. There isn’t much that could keep that from happening at this point. I’m sure you’re wondering about what the next few events of our interaction will be. That’s when one of us asks that question that means a lot more than what it sounds like: “What are you doing after this? You should come over.” Score. It’s on.

We arrive at your place. Immediately, I inspect your humble dwelling for any evidence of a female presence. None? Good. I observe how clean (or messy) you are, and the various things scattered about your living room that give me further insight into your personality. Now that we’re here, the level of awkwardness goes back up. We’re both nervous, because we know what’s going to happen. We try in vain to drown it in some booze. You ask me if I’d like a drink. Yes, please. You put on some music or something on the television, so that there is something else other than our nervousness in the air. We continue our meaningless conversation. You show me some of your favorite songs. I tell you some of my crazy adventures. One of us gets up, perhaps to head to the bathroom, then sits down a little closer to the other. Somehow, physical contact is made. Perhaps it’s a poke, an “accidental” touch of the hand. Good. At least that line has been crossed.

Somehow, we make it to your room. Perhaps I’ve had too much to drink to be able to drive. Maybe you want to show me something in there. Sooner than later, we are both on your bed in a haze of giddiness. The moments preceding the first kiss are always super intense. I know exactly when it’s going to happen. The tension builds up, and we just can’t stand it anymore, and it happens. We continue in this manner for a few moments. Making out seems so high-school to me. Hands start wandering. Clothing is stripped, and bodies are revealed. I begin scrutinizing your every move to determine your level of interest in me. Are you touching me with a sweet, sensual kindness? Are you acting like a super-sexed caveman? These are all very important, and determine just how much effort I’m going to put in this.

Soon enough, one of us makes the call. It’s usually me. You don’t want to push things too far. I ask you if you have a condom. I have some in my purse, but I’m actually testing you on this one. You get up, naked and awkwardly looking, and fumble around. Are they in your bedside table in immediate reach? A dresser drawer? Another room? Do you not have any at all? This all indicates the frequency of your encounters. I know I’ve got mine as back-up, but you have to pass this important test. Eventually one is found and put to use. I’m hoping you’re good at this, and not a major disappointment. When all is said and done, we fall asleep. Are you a cuddler? Do you cling too much and crush me? Are you the little spoon type?

The next morning, we part ways. After this, I do not want you to call me. I don’t want you to ask me to dinner. I would, however, like you to text me. I don’t want anything over the top. The best way to do this is to say “I really enjoyed hanging out with you last night.” Don’t mention seeing me again. That’s my call and I don’t want to feel pressured. The chances of us dating are slim. I really don’t want to be at my wedding explaining to my friends and family that we met at a bar and went to your place and fucked. That’s not exactly how I had that scenario planned out. If you were good enough, I’ll agree to see you again, casually. If I don’t, please don’t approach me wildly if you see me in public. Just act like it never happened. You’re allowed to casually greet me as an acquaintance, but honestly, it was all just a one night stand.

My straight friends have either been married, are married, or might as well be married. Nearly all of them. I’m single. I’m always single. A few weeks ago, Dan Savage of Savage Love fame, was on Bill Maher and made an interesting comment in passing about relationships. They had a lot of conversations about sex, love and marriage on that show, but his most interesting comment came nested in a broader conversation about married people making their own rules for their relationships.

I couldn’t find the exact phrase – but I did find his July 5th column, where he talks about straight people redefining marriage themselves – without the pressure of LGBT relationships, which people seem to be afraid is “changing” the institution of marriage. Whether it’s embracing or not embracing monogamy, swinging, two girls and one guy, two guys and a French maid, a tax lawyer… whatever you’re into, straight people seem to be changing what it means on their own, and what it means to be married seems to be evolving.

While I once considered myself to be full blown lesbian, despite sleeping with men now, I’m still not actually attracted to men. I’m attracted to the sex I have with men… but I love women, and I want to be with women. I figured I was destined for life as a single slut moving back and forth between unhappily married men and delicious lesbians. But if you’ve read my other columns, I’ve been oddly obsessed with this idea of determining the rules of your own relationship outside of the restrictive, conservative, Victorian Puritanism that so many people seem to be trapped by. Is it possible I might actually be able to have a relationship after all? Simply because my partner and I can make our own rules now?

The idea of “friends with benefits” is appealing to me, but most men I’m with mistake my high sex drive for being clingy, over-attentive, and needy. Yeah.. I needy your wang at least once a day! But men see lots of calls, emails, texts, and run the other way regardless of whether or not those are all based within the context of a booty call. My problem is that ultimately I end up in situations where “friends with benefits” with men turn into “benefits” with no real friends.

Not to mention, I have been in so many relationships that were unfulfilling and not sexually satisfying, that I don’t even want to have conversations with people before I sleep with them first. If they can’t match me in the sack, the last thing I want is to become emotionally attached. But then you end up with men who think you’re an easy whore, and they never have any respect for you once you figure the sex thing out and try to start having a relationship.

This has been the issue plaguing me since I told a friend of mine (we’ll call him Mr. Brown) I really wanted to sleep with him, but I only wanted to do it within the context of dating. This was in large part due to the complicated relationship I had with Mr. X. Mr. Brown is a bit of a man-whore. I’ve known this for some time and found it fascinating. Clearly he likes sex – in fact he likes it a lot. He is an avid porn watcher, has a great relationship with his right hand, and he loves the crazy spontaneous things I did from time to time in his office. I thought – this guy is perfectly matched for me to sleep with. I bet he can keep up, and it could be really really super fun and adventurous and crazy. Aside from that, he’s not unattractive, though I’m not sure I’m a good judge of that. He’s fairly intelligent, he’s funny and he laughs at my jokes, and the best part is he’s professionally a lot safer for me than Mr. X was.

The problem I ran into is that Mr. X did a bit of a number on me. I don’t know if I was really ever in love with him. I think I was in love with a part of him. A particularly large part of him that did really great things to me, and I became addicted to the idea of the things we did together being more consistent. Mr. Brown thinks that Mr. X used me – that Mr. X is a user himself. Mr. X definitely used me… but I also used him. I wanted to use him a lot more, quite frankly, but his mid 40′s libido was starting to take a hit, and he was looking for something warm and fuzzy and more sensual, I think. Not that I can’t do that too, but…. I crave the spontaneous adventure of crazy and kink.

The rule I set for Mr. Brown, because of my blowback from Mr. X, was that I wanted to do this “friends with benefits” within the context of us dating. Not a hard core full on relationship, but something I told him that would be a little more honest than what I did with Mr. X.

Mr. Brown said no. He valued our friendship and didn’t want to jack that up, despite the continuation of our sexual chemistry, which might be why he’s avoiding me. I see him, and I want him. It’s got to be hard for a guy to say no when there’s a girl on top of you. But, here’s the thing, we don’t really have much of a friendship. We don’t hang out, we don’t really have much going on. So, when you look at the fancy new movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, it isn’t the same thing. Sure the sex might be just as great, in fact I’m sure it would be, but the hanging out, and taking in a movie doesn’t happen now. What makes me think it would if we were “friends with benefits”?  So, basically we’d just be “benefits.” Which, to me, sounded a lot like Mr. X. Which is why I thought dating was the solution. Kind of like a reinforcement that the “friends” in “friends with benefits” would actually happen. Of course, with all that schtooping… probably not a lot of time for a movie.

I love the movie “Friends with Benefits”. The end was a little too much like a chick flick, but the sex and chemistry was fantastic. The casual nonchalant attitude of the couple when they started doing the casual sex thing was perfect. It’s exactly what I wanted with Mr. Brown. Sex is meant to be fun and interesting, and the movie captured the best part of a “friends with benefits” relationship. Plus, there’s this great line that captured Mr. Brown and myself, Kunis says “Oh!  You’re emotionally disconnected. I’m emotionally damaged. I haven’t seen you at the meetings?!”

My question for you, Dear Readers: Is that kind of relationship even possible? Or ultimately does 1:  the guy just ends up using you without the friendship, or 2: you fall for him, or he falls for you? Are there examples of where it can work or does work? Can you redefine relationships this much? Or are we as people just hardwired for the Hollywood ending even if we think that isn’t what we want?

So as a divorced-single woman in her 30′s and living in the modern age in which the world of dating has opened up from the local bar to the World Wide Web, I had joined a dating service to test the waters and see what’s out there in the oceans of spam and trolls. But as my friends and family know, I didn’t join just any old dating site or any of the popular ones advertising the finding of one’s soulmate.

I joined a dating site featuring British men.

A Brit man meat market! Wow, my kind of place!!! Where’s my shopping cart?

The premise is simple – British chaps across the world want to have relationships with women outside their culture, and the creators (British husband and American wife) made the site for these gents and the exotic ladies who want them. With a free profile and a very low one-time registration fee for Total Site Privileges, this seemed like a nice place to indulge in my Anglophilia fetish.

With registry and profile-making out of the way, I set to browsing the several hundred Brit-man profiles on the site, featuring everything from Hugh Grant wannabes to Sean Connery wannabes. Not to mention the alarming number of Christopher Eccleston wannabes with big ears and short-cropped hair.

But I noticed something about the profile pictures on these things. Lots of somethings. And I had to do my own something about it to address such a travesty.

Hence, here is the top ten list of which profile pictures shouldn’t be posted if you’re looking for a serious relationship …

10. Holding an Alcoholic Beverage: Sure, it may be one of your best casual pictures, but nothing screams ‘alky’ more than looking buzzed and holding a beer. Points must be given for honesty about your character, though.

Most Original Example: Not only holding a beer, but also being groped by a drunk woman wearing a short skirt, with her leg hitched up around your waist. For your profile picture on a dating site. Klassy with a capital ‘K’.

9. Non-Use of Flash: Dude, we want to see what you look like, not your outline. A flash will not sunburn your lovely pale skin. For all we know the photo is really of your cousin Ralphie. For all you know, it might actually be.

Most Original Example: “I’ll use this photo of me in the cave without a flash. You can just make out my cell phone.”

8. Sitting at Your Work Desk: Yes, yes, you’re a hard worker, and you’re really married to your job; you just want a housekeeper to look after your place and cook your dinner. Well, likely not, but desk photos are pretty lame, including the forced smile.

Most Original Example: Web cam picture while you’re sitting at your desk … and the background has a nudie poster. Fail.

7. The Other Woman: Really, chaps, is it THAT hard to find a photo of yourself WITHOUT another woman in it? We’re shopping for you, not the woman with her tongue in your ear.

Most Original Example: Nothing says ‘clueless’ faster than a profile photo of you dancing with a woman wearing a wedding dress. Especially when she’s drunk enough to have to hang on you to standing up.

6. The Bathroom Shot: Yeah, it’s convenient, but most cameras have a timer. Use it. I don’t want to see your bathroom, or your streaky mirror, or the camera in front of your face. Leave that for teenagers on Facebook. You’re looking for an adult relationship, take pictures like an adult.

Most Original Example: I really didn’t need to know about the hemorrhoid cream on your sink ledge. But thank you for helping me make up my mind. Next.

5. Reenactor Character: It’s cool that historical reenacting is one of your hobbies, but it should not be your profile picture. You really don’t look like your everyday self.

Most Original Example: “My role in my reenacting troop is the Executioner.”

4. You Like My Muscles: You know, we can tell you have muscles under a shirt. You really don’t have to take off your shirt and show them off. Oh, and you look American by doing that. Real turn-off.

Most Original Example: I am not lying, one guy looked like an albino gorilla with an outrageously bulked up top and skinny waist and legs.

3. In the Middle of a Group: Which one are you? Come on, I have to decide which one of these three guys is you? Couldn’t you have found a pic of you by yourself? Or were you holding a beer in that one?

Most Original Example: “Hair: blond Eyes: blue Height: 6′ Race: white” … ALL THE GUYS IN THE PIC HAVE THE SAME DESCRIPTION! Give us a clue! Better yet, I’ll give you a piece of paper with the word “CLUE” written on it.

2. Poor Cropping: Is PaintShop that hard to figure out? I want to see more than half your face and definitely the top of your head. It’s not artistic, it’s annoying.

Most Original Example: Well, yes, your headline does match – “British Guy with One Blue Eye”. But is there anything else to your face besides the one blue eye? Maybe another blue eye, nose, cheeks, mouth, chin … I hope you got the point.

1. Inappropriate Clothes: Do you really think American chicks of any quality will be impressed by your sports’ jerseys, or low-brow humor t-shirts? And the cowboy hat … give us a break. That’s SO American redneck.

Most Original Example: T-shirt of a naked chick with her legs open. Yeah, that’s really attractive and gentlemanly. Okay, so your Mum didn’t dress you, but please exercise a bit of taste.

Just remember: friends don’t let friends post bad profile photos.

There’s really no easy way to dump someone, or to be dumped. Every way has its downfalls, and everyone does it differently. Some ways are downright mean, and other ways are pretty considerate. Whether it’s because they’re scared of hurting someone, or they’re just careless, they do what they feel they have to do.

How do most people end an unhappy relationship? It seems like the preferred way for the person being dumped is in person, so you can discuss it and it’s personal. It’s nice being able to talk about why it’s ending, and what you or the other person did wrong. But saying “it’s over” in person takes some balls most of the time.

More and more people do it over the phone, which is better than other ways of breaking up with someone, but it’s not exactly a good way to end it. Even worse, is to dump someone through texts or online. That is so impersonal and disrespectful to the other person. I’ve heard of people changing their relationship status on Facebook, and that’s how they let the other person know it’s over. If you want to end it, then at the very least, call them up so you can have an actual conversation about it.

The person breaking up with someone is sometimes too uncomfortable doing it in person. I know in some instances doing it in person isn’t possible, if you’re in a long distance relationship, or apart for some time. Sometimes the dumper will just slowly fade away and finally break the news that it’s over. One way that I think is just wrong, is when one person tries to drive another person away. They might start being rude or breaking promises. Eventually the other person is so unhappy they want to leave their partner.

Some people are always the one to be dumped, others are the opposite. Some people are a good mix of both, like me.

There are probably a lot of ways of ending a relationship that I haven’t mentioned, but there’s one more that really stands out to me. I think it’s the worst of all, and I’ve had two experiences with this way of ending a relationship.

Ignoring someone. Being in a happy or semi happy relationship, then all of a sudden your partner completely cuts off contact with you. They don’t even have the decency to say “Hey, by the way, we’re over.” When this happened to me, it was a long distant relationship and things were going pretty good. Then one day went by without talking. And then another. I would randomly call or text but I got nothing back. It took me about two weeks to figure out what was going on, and I was so hurt. It was hard enough going two weeks thinking that the guy I was with was too busy for me. Now all of a sudden I realize that’s it, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I got over it, and I vowed to never do that to anyone no matter what.

My second experience with ending a relationship by ignoring someone is with my current boyfriend. I’ve known him for many, many years. When we started getting close and decided we wanted to date, he had a long distance girlfriend that he had been with for a very short time and had never met. He decided he wanted to leave her, and although I was against it, he did it anyways to be with me. He told me one day, a few weeks into our relationship, that he just cut off contact with her and was ignoring her texts. I was happy he chose me over her, but I couldn’t believe he was hurting a girl the same way I had been hurt in the past.

I explained what I had gone through to him, and he said he kind of understood. I don’t think he really got why I cared so much about his ex-girlfriend, but I really don’t want anyone else to be hurt in that way. Thankfully, he decided to text her a reason why he couldn’t be with her, and that he was sorry to have been so distant. His ex was really hurt but believed the reason he gave her. I was really happy that he decided to do that. I think that is definitely a wrong way to break up with someone.
As much as I hate the idea of texting to break up with someone, it’s somewhat better than completely ignoring someone. You never know how long that person is waiting to hear from you, or wondering what’s going on, especially in a long distance relationship. If you live near your girlfriend or boyfriend and they decide to ignore you to break up, you can always just go find them. Who knows what excuse they might give you then, or if they would just try to avoid you in person.

Breaking up with someone can be really hard, and being broken up with can be harder. No matter how you do it, it’s not exactly pleasant, unless it’s something the two of you both really want. In the dating world, these things happen, though. Rude or nice, distant or outright, there are so many ways to end a relationship. So many people that want to do it right, and so many people are just so careless about it.

Recently it seems as though people my age are all in relationships. I always wonder why. Why are people choosing to settle down so fast? Live life! We are still young! Geesh!

A few things about some females especially, irk me quite a bit. First of all, those females that are “in love” with every male they have been with. The ones who meet the guy and within, what, three days they “love” that guy? That is where I call Bullshit! How can you love someone after only three days? You hardly know the person! I mean there are these females I have known over the years, where every damn man they are with, within a week they think they are in love. WTH is up with that? How can you be “in love” with so many men? You can’t, can you? I know most of those men don’t feel the same for those females. So why are the females so set on it? Are they looking to get hurt? I mean, I know there are people who say you have one true love out there, and the rest are just bumps on the way to finding the Mr. Right. I just don’t know.

Another thing that sort of irks me, are those people who depend on relationships. The ones who can’t stay single for more than a week or so without getting all sad and in depressed moods! I mean seriously, get a grip on yourself woman! I mean, why do some women become so dependent on relationships? Why do some women think they NEED to be in one or they are nothing? I hate seeing that, I really do. When I know a female who does this, has a break up and then is with another guy within a week, I think “How pathetic.” One friend in particular does this quite often. She has been this way for as long as I have known her. She is in a relationship, they break up, and within a week a new guy. After the break up she’s sad and everything,  but she also thinks she is useless without a man.

Put both of those kinds of women together, and I get really annoyed. I mean, I also know the kind of women who says they love the man they are with after three days, and when the relationship ends they go to a new guy a week later. How the hell does that make any sense? Here’s a conversation I have once had. “I thought you were in love with that guy?”

She said, “Oh I was.”

“Then how come you moved on two days later to a new man?”

She was like, “Well he’s cute and I love him so much.”

I literally wanted to slap her! LOL! I mean you ARE NOT in love, you are in LUST, silly girl!

Watching females just plain out amuses me, simple as that. Our interactions with men are amusing, silly, and sometimes pathetic. We do not need men in the least, well unless you want a baby. Other than that, hey we got toys. Men are such fucktards, then again so are women.

I just got out of a pretty serious relationship. I’d been in long term relationships before him. I dated two guys seriously, and then various short term flings. However, this relationship was the most serious. We lived together, had plans for our future. I have very mixed emotions about the relationship, things that I don’t really like thinking about, let alone talking or writing about. But heartbreak and breakups are universal, and writing is my form of therapy.

I was the one who broke up with him. Way back in October I broke up with him. I was done with not receiving the same effort that I was putting into the relationship. I was fed up with the lack of affection and love I was given. I was tired of feeling like I was never good enough, no matter what I did. I know we both did things wrong, though. I needed too much, and our lifestyles just didn’t match. It was really no one’s fault, there were things that neither one of us could tolerate anymore. But instead of actually breaking things off, we decided to work on things.

So when I met this new guy, this guy who I really connected with, I ended up not pursuing it, because my ex and I were trying to figure things out. I don’t regret it, stuff happens. Things would ebb and flow, we would be going strong and both of us would be working towards a better us, and then we would both be disinterested for a bit. It took a lot of soul searching to finally realize that the way things were going was unfair to both of us. Neither one of us was really happy, and as much as we were saying we were working towards things, we weren’t really. There were no discussions as to how to fix things, it was the hundred pound gorilla in the room that everyone was ignoring.

So things are really done now. The end of what I consider my first adult relationship. Some days, I can get by without thinking about him or the relationship at all. Some days, it is a brief thought that runs through my mind. Other days, I find myself thinking about things more. I haven’t talked to him in three weeks. It is weird to go from being in a relationship with someone, to completely cut off from them. I don’t think he wants to talk with me. I am not quiet online about my sexual habits, and I think it may hurt him to see how easily it was to start fucking other people. I don’t know. I can’t really speculate without possibly hurting him further. All I know is that I don’t regret the relationship; I don’t regret the good times or the bad.