All couples are intimate in some form or fashion. Whether it is physical or emotional, intimacy is an essential element for a successful relationship. A lack of intimacy in a relationship leads to problems, and is usually a sign that there are other problems that need to be addressed as well.

When men think of intimacy, ninety-nine percent of the time they are going to think of physical intimacy, such as making love to their partner. I’m a guy, and for a long time that seemed to be the best form of intimacy to me. Yes, of course I talked with my wife, and shared my feelings and thoughts with her, but the connection I made through the physical act of intimacy was always very powerful to me.

That has changed in the last year, and my relationship is all the better for it. Because of an illness, sex has not been on the menu that much within our household. While sometimes you get frustrated, you know your partner didn’t choose to get sick, and that lessens the sting a little bit. So in this time we’ve talked, a lot. We’ve reassessed our sexual relationship, because we’ve had the time to look at it from a detached perspective.

Reconnecting

On New Year’s Eve, my wife and I ate dinner at home after putting our two-year old to bed. After dinner, we sat and talked about all sorts of things, but especially honed in on our sexual relationship. We have a great marriage, but for the past few years things have been off in the bedroom. Not once the act actually gets going, the mechanics work fine there, but the desire just wasn’t present for my wife.

Emotionally and mentally abusive. That’s a string of words that I thought I would never pair together. However, it took a good friend of mine, and an hour of crying, to realize exactly what was going on.

My daily routine, over the last two years of dating my ‘boyfriend’, has evolved into an affectionate void. Emotionally, he has checked out and it is quite obvious. When I need him, he shuns me. He doesn’t like to kiss me; he doesn’t like to hug me. This is just how he behaves. He would come home, get onto his computer, and I would be lucky to have ten sentences spoken to me for the rest of the night. I would ask him to go do something with me, and he would give me some lame excuse as to why he could not do it.

It was one day after another, and I suppose that I retracted on myself and began not to notice these things. It was just like someone who was suffering from Stockholm syndrome. When we fought he ingrained it into my head that every problem that we had was because of me. That my ‘issues’ were the source of all of our problems. If I brought up anything about him, then he ‘knew all of his problems’, and did not want to talk about it. Sooner or later, I just started to give in. I became the ‘housewife’ and ‘motherly figure’ that he wanted around the house, on top of working full time and going to college full time.

When I tell you that we fought, he would blame his inability to perform in the bedroom on the fact that during the summer I had gained weight due to severe depression after my father died. He would tell me that I was fat, that I was ugly. Soon enough, I just started to believe that too. It was incredibly hard to realize, incredibly hard to deal with.

Then I had my best friend move in with my boyfriend and me. She lived with us for only two weeks before one day, while I was emotionally upset, she brought forward, “Why are you really upset about this?” And then it all came falling down. She lived with us two weeks, and she pegged the nail on the head about what my boyfriend was doing to me. She let me get all of my frustration out. Then she went on to tell me, “You tell me you’re an Alpha Female, but looking at how you behave at home because of him, you’re really not. I know this isn’t the real you.”

Suddenly, everything that my other friends were trying to tell me made sense. Let me tell you, that when all of your good friends do not like who you are dating, there is a reason behind it. Mine certainly didn’t like my current significant other.

You might ask yourself now, what I decided to do about this situation. I slowly but surely began to do the exact thing that he did to me. When he tried to be affectionate, I would pull away. When he tried to tell me I was wrong about something, I began to slowly assert myself. Lo and behold, he no longer uses me as the doormat that he once did. Things are slowly but surely improving. For instance, since the beginning of December, I was extremely ill. I had an infection that turned into Bronchitis. I couldn’t sleep in our bed because when I laid down I coughed so much it was impossible for me to fall asleep. So, I went downstairs and laid down on the couch with my big comforter. I asked my ‘boyfriend’ to cover me up because I wasn’t warm enough. He got up and went and found three more blankets, and wrapped me up with them like a cocoon. Then, when I was supposed to take him to the city to see his sister who was going in for surgery, he told me that he didn’t want me making the trip. He stated that he would just take the train because I was sick, and he knew I didn’t like driving in the city.

I can’t say that we’ll end up staying together. We probably won’t. All that I can say at this time about the situation is that it is starting to improve. I still find myself at times going back into my old routine, but thankfully I have a wonderful best friend who kicks my ass out of it again. The road to recovery when in a relationship like this one isn’t an easy road. If you have ever known someone who is in this type of situation, it is a lot different than someone who was physically abused.

To some of you who might read this blog entry, what I’ve stated here may not sound like it is that horrible of a situation, let alone emotionally or mentally abusive. I could go in depth with how this relationship is/was that way, but I would prefer to skim the surface as I find myself still recovering from the after effects.

I would like to take the time to tell anyone who may feel they are, or have been told that they are, in a situation similar to mine, that you either need to change it or get out of it. They will either change, or they will continue doing what they have been doing to you. If I could tell you how many times I wept myself to sleep, drowning my pillow in my tears because of how I was treated by the very person who claimed that they loved me, I couldn’t tell you the number. No one should have to live through a situation like that. It isn’t healthy, and the scars that it could leave on you would last for many years to come.

Thinking back on everything that my ‘boyfriend’ told me, and accused me of, and treated me like, I would have to say that I would have rather been beaten every day instead. Bruises and black eyes, those will fade. Scars left deep within your emotions and mind take many more years to recover from, not to mention they affect your ability to be in a happy, healthy relationship later on. If he physically abused me I could have lived with that a lot better. I can handle physical pain. When it comes to emotional strife, it makes me miserable.

Relationships are a give and take situation. They are a 100% compromise. If one side is demanding all the compromising, and the other is doing all the ‘giving in’, then all you can do is assume that the relationship is not a healthy one.

Ladies, Gentlemen…There are more fish in the sea. If someone decides that they are going to treat you in any other way than how you wish to be treated, then they are not worth it. Cast them aside like a ‘baby fish’ and keep going.

My name is Rose, and I am the other woman and have been for years now. Not only have I helped someone cheat, I have cheated on partners of my own to be with this person. I have warned guys upon entering a relationship with them that I will sleep with this person given the chance, but they seem to just shrug it off and not believe me, then act totally appalled when it happens. This just recently affected the relationship I was in. When I went to visit family, (the aforementioned person, who we will now refer to as John) John’s family, for Thanksgiving the shit hit the proverbial fan. I have been close to his family for years. They treat me like one of their own. Well when I arrived I got a surprise, John was there. A pleasant surprise, but a surprise none the less, He was up here alone, wife stayed behind to stay with her family. So, the inevitable happened.

Well after an awesome week together he had to head home to the wife, and I was supposed to head home to my fiance, but I ended up staying with his family. John and I are in pretty much constant contact, but it still sucks. I don’t have him here to cuddle with, to talk to in person, and to share my bed with. Also knowing that someone out there refers to me as a “Home Wrecker”. I am not proud of what we do, but I do love John, and I wouldn’t give up having him in my life for anything. He has been the one constant in my life for the last 10 years. He makes me feel sexy, special, and most importantly Loved. I feel loved.

I am sure there are tons of horror stories out there from other women who are “the other woman”. And while my situation does suck, it’s not that bad. I do hope that we can be a real couple again, but I won’t hold my breath. I’ll be happy that I have him at all. I miss him, all the time. I hate that we have this in our way of being ‘us’ but things are changing on that front. I suppose unlike a lot of relationships where there isn’t a chance that they are ever going to leave their wife, I have the advantage of knowing that he is in the process of doing just that. I guess the worst part about this is the wait, waiting for things to fall into place, waiting to see him again, waiting to not be the other woman any more. I have put a lot of time and energy into our relationship, and I am just ready for it to all work out.

I do have fear, and even a little guilt, but as in a life from one of my favorite songs from A Chorus Line: “Cant forget, wont regret what I did for love.” I do not regret my choices, and the only thing I wish I could have changed is how I have treated other partners because of this.

Cheating – the big C word that no relationship wants to deal with. Cheating is fickle thing though; I feel like anyone who cheats is judged not only by their partner, but by the rest of society as well. Our culture stresses that monogamy is the only way to be happy, and despite that, cheating seems to still prevail. But why does it happen if our only path to happiness is staying with one person till the day we die?

I feel like I need to personally analyze the actual act of cheating. I’ve come across so many people that have told me that they could never cheat because it’s not in their nature, they love their partner, it’s not right, if they had other feelings for someone else they would leave, and the list goes on. I then ask these people: do you actually know anyone who has ever cheated on their partner? I hear a lot of no’s, strangely enough. The act of cheating is not because you don’t love someone; if that was the case, relationships got a whole lot simpler than I recall them to be.

In most cases of cheating that I’ve observed, I’ve noticed that it’s not because one partner is actively seeking a sexual partner because they are spiteful, bored, out of love, etc.; instead I’ve noticed that there is a similarity – there’s a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed and resolved. One common problem that I’ve encountered is that there is a loss of communication and someone’s physical, emotional, or psychological needs are not being met. This causes the suffering partner to find a “substitute”, if you will, so that they can fulfill their lacking needs.

I find that a lot of individuals aren’t looking for a simple fling, but they want to talk to someone about their day, or their ideas, or something they can’t discuss with their partner. So many of these types of relationships start innocently – they justify the relationship as a close friendship. Essentially, they are attempting to fill the void that their relationship is experiencing. Sometimes this is a conscious decision, but I find that most of the time it is a choice that is being made subconsciously. These “close friendships” end up being a lot of more intimate than they were intended to be, and in more instances than not, it turns sexual.

What should a couple do when a sexual transgression occurs? Many couples, monogamous and not, consider this to be the ultimate deal breaker and will end the relationship as soon as possible. But is this really fair? I feel like it really depends on each situation. What sexual act occurred? Some relationships can forgive some acts, such as oral or anal sex, much easier than they can forgive PIV sex (this applied for hetero couples obviously). What kind of relationship was pursued by the cheating partner? Was it strictly sexual, or did they intend to keep it on a friendship level but it just got too far out of hand? And the most important factor: What was their motivator? This is probably going to be the most difficult of all to deal with.

When it comes to the motivating factors, it’s simple to sign off the cheating partner as being selfish and inconsiderate. Yes, there are cheating partners that are malicious about their cheating; they do it to either spite their spouse or to express whatever unkind intention they have. However, I like to assume that not all people are like this, and there are cheating partners that made just this – a mistake. Blaming the cheating partner is lazy to me; it’s necessary to analyze the actions of both the cheating AND non-cheating partner. Again, I’ve outlined some motivators of the cheating partner, but I have yet to discuss the non-cheating partner’s role.

I feel like non-cheating partners are painted in an almost angelic light in our culture. They are the hopelessly devoted lover that would bend over backwards for their relationship, only to be slapped in the face by their ungrateful lover. I feel like that’s as far from the truth as possible. Most, if not all cheating relationships had some issues with the non-cheating partner. Some common complaints from the cheating partner that I’ve encountered are “He/She doesn’t listen to me”, “I feel like I’m not sexually attractive to him/her”, “They don’t give me enough attention no matter what I do”, “I feel like I’m insufficient”, and “We’ve drifted apart and I’m unsure of what the future holds.” The cheating partner is almost driven to seek comfort with someone else that will provide them with the lack they suffer from.

I’m not saying that we need to rationalize the cheating partner’s behavior, because what they did is damaging. I am saying that both partners need to claim their responsibility in the momentary failure of their relationship, if they have any responsibility. A line of communication is necessary to repair what’s broken.

For those who have cheated, don’t let your partner turn this into ammo during arguments, fights, disagreements, etc. If they justify your mistake as a reason to abuse you, it’s necessary to understand that your partner is not on the right path of forgiveness, and that you and your relationship are only going to suffer. If possible, seek a counselor so that both of you can heal and have the relationship you both desire.

For those that have been cheated on, the most important thing you can do is forgive. Chances are, your partner doesn’t want you to leave them, but they want to work things out for the best. Again, counseling would be in your best interests. If they continue to violate your trust, though, it may be a good time to question the future of your relationship and see if it will be able to survive.

I have to disagree with the adage “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” because it groups too many human beings into the same category. There are plenty of wonderful people that have been led astray because they are human and they make mistakes. Instead, it would be best to utilize the process of forgiveness and forgetting, because in the end, it will only strengthen a relationship.

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Communication is a pretty universally accepted ingredient in a healthy relationship. Even couples who’ve been together for a long time or who know each other well sometimes have things they need to tell their partners that they’ve learned about themselves. Sometimes, though, it isn’t an easy subject to broach, especially if it’s something you haven’t fully come to terms with yourself, or something you think might make your partner uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s just a surprising revelation you’re just nervous to make, such as a sudden interest in BDSM in a previously vanilla relationship, or a desire to try something new and much different than what you’ve tried before. Maybe you just need a place to put down what you’re thinking so you have a chance to edit what you want to say, and really think it through so it doesn’t come out wrong. Maybe you need the same thing I did, a “No-Guilt” notebook.

A no-guilt notebook is a place to write down confessions, fantasies, and desires that you want to share with your partner, no matter if they’re sexual in nature or related to something that comes up in everyday casual activities. It can be anything from the most harmless to the things you’re most ashamed of. The goal of the no-guilt notebook is to allow you time to think out what you want to say and how you want to say it, and to allow your partner time to read and process what you have to say. The reason I call it the no- guilt notebook is because while there are bound to be some things you or your partner find unacceptable, in order for the notebook to work the person for whom the notes are intended must approach each note with a level head and an open mind. The point is to open negotiations. Not every desire will be fulfilled, and some confessions will still cause pain and confusion, but often it is easier for both parties when it’s written out plainly in pen and ink. Reading often gives the partner receiving the confessions time to process without blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, which can be extremely helpful when that first thing might be hurtful.

The no-guilt notebook can be a place to figure out your own desires as well. You might get started on a tangent in its pages, and in following that train of thought to its logical conclusion, you might make some discoveries about yourself. For instance, I’ve made quite a few observations by writing things down that I might not have ever realized about myself. I figured out that I’m interested in pet play by following a train of thought that started with a fantasy to its conclusion.

Not everything that goes into the notebook has to be bad. It’s meant as a place to write down things that might not come up in casual conversation. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had came about as a result of the no-guilt notebook, because I wrote down my desires, and it turned out my lover shared quite a few. Ninety percent of what I write in the no-guilt notebook is either neutral or positive. Sometimes I just take a page to tell my lover what he did that I really enjoyed in bed. Sometimes I’ll describe a dream vacation, or a fantasy night of pleasure. Occasionally I’ll confess a realization I had about myself, and sometimes it’s just me writing down something I thought of to try that I didn’t want to forget.

It’s important to keep the no-guilt notebook positive. Never accuse, point fingers, or redirect blame. Present information in a matter of fact manner. If you have something negative to say, present it in a sentence that begins with “I”. Never say “You failed to satisfy me with activity x”, instead say “I didn’t enjoy activity x”. If you want to spice things up, suggest activities you’d like to try, rather than suggesting the activities you already do are boring. It shouldn’t be aimed at making them feel bad. It should make you both feel good.

The no-guilt notebook should be kept somewhere that it’s easy to pick up and read. I keep mine in a bedside drawer, and my lover is welcome to read it any time. Your lover should want to read it. It should open up conversations. Nothing in the no-guilt notebook is a definitive statement. There are no “we will do this” or “you will do this” statements. There are no ultimatums. There are no lists of demands. Lucid fantasies are highly encouraged. In fact, it’s best to explain in as much detail as possible why you like something, or why you did or want something. The more you can explain your train of thought, the easier it’ll be for your partner to understand.

Something else that is fun to do with a no-guilt notebook is to include one or two sentence fantasies or fun confessions. Be honest, tell your partner something you find sexy about them, or an activity you really enjoy. The no-guilt notebook is an excellent place to tell them how beautiful or handsome you find them, how much you appreciate them, or even how much you enjoy the little things that they do that make life easier.

It’s also good to go back and reread your own no-guilt notebook. Learn from your mistakes, and revel in your fantasies. It can be fun to remember what you were thinking when you wrote out a fantasy, and remember what it was like when it finally came to be. Going back and having conversations about the same things at a later time can leave room for changing world views and opinions. A fantasy your partner wasn’t comfortable with a year ago can become something they’re willing to try. Having your own changing fantasies and world views at your fingertips can teach you a lot about the person you were and the person you’re becoming as well. Sometimes the no-guilt notebook just serves as a reminder that we’re perpetually learning and growing, and so is our partner. The fact that people change and mature is something that’s important to remember in every relationship, and writing down your dreams, ambitions, fears, and desires can help you grow together rather than apart.

The no-guilt notebook is by no means a solution. It can’t fix everything, and it isn’t a magical secret to a perfect relationship, but it can make having the conversations you need to have to keep your relationship healthy a little easier. It opens the lines of communication, but by no means should it be the only line of communication. Think about the no-guilt notebook next time you’re in the store, decide if it might help you express yourself a little easier. If you think it might, pick up a notebook and a pen and start sharing your thoughts with your partner. Encourage them to do the same. It might help, it might not, but what’s the harm of adding another line of communication into your life?

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I never really wanted this. In fact, I wanted something so different than this that it’s crazy. It seems that neither one of us had a choice in the matter. It just happened, and everything fell into place so naturally that we ended up where we are now. We’re way too far into it to get out unscathed. It’d take a miracle for everything to wind up beautifully. We both have these ideas of how things will happen, but they’re unrealistic. They’re crazy. They don’t make any sense in the real world.

At first, it was casual and fun. There was nothing wrong with what we were doing. Just friends, right? Somehow, that boundary was crossed, and here we are. We’re invested in something we can barely afford. We’ve stretched our resources way too thin. We couldn’t help it no matter how much we tried. You fell for me, and I fell for you. It’s not right, but that’s what happened. Our love is quite complicated, but even with that, I’ll still take it as it is, because I’d rather have this and some part of you than nothing at all.

And there she is. Your wife, your girlfriend, your other half, your lover. At one point, she was everything you wanted. You vowed to spend the rest of your life with her and only her. You promised her everything. You put that ring on her finger thinking that she was the only one you’d ever want. Times changed, and here we all are. The three of us. You’re torn. You don’t know what direction to take when it comes to the two of us. You want her, you want me, and you want us both, but it looks like you’ll have to ultimately decide. Right now, it’s not looking like you can have both of us in a realistic sense, no matter how much you’d prefer it.

As the dirty little secret, I am put in the most precarious position. What if she found out about us? What if she picked up your phone one day and stumbled across all of the text messages you’ve sent me that are filled with undeniable sweetness and love? She’d be crushed. I know she would. What would you do? Would I suddenly become the villain? Would you write me off as some silly mistake? Even though you tell me you care about me and harbor this deep and intense love for me, it still doesn’t lead me to believe that you’d do otherwise. If she asked you to choose, would you? I have a sneaking suspicion that it’d be her. That’s how these things work. The other woman never gets what she wants. I keep that in mind and realize how unrealistic my expectations are that I’ll ever really end up with you being mine.

These kinds of things also put the worst thoughts into my head. I’m left wondering if you ever think of me as you’re making love to her. You tell me that I’m always on your mind, but does that apply to this? Do you look at her and wish it was me there, or am I blocked from your mind? I feel like if I knew this that my decision as to how to proceed would be so much easier. You tell me you think of me as you are falling asleep, but are you holding her during those thoughts? Do I cross your mind while you look at her? Do you feel a sense of sadness and heaviness that I’d like to imagine you do? Do you feel guilt in hiding this from her? What’s it like in your mind during the compare and contrast? Why do you feel like you need me when you have her? I want to know these things so badly, but I’m terribly afraid to ask.

And then there is this woman that you’ve been so much in love with. I never wanted to hurt her. In fact, I was fascinated by her when you first told me of your situation. Who is she? What do you see when you look at her? I’m sure she’s beautiful. I’m sure she’s absolutely amazing. From what you’ve told me, she and I could be the best of friends. I don’t see that happening now though. She’d probably wish me dead if she ever found out about us. Part of me mourns the friendship that she and I could have had. My heart goes out to her, even. I feel the most guilt over the possibility of hurting this girl I don’t even know. I know what it’s like to have a shattered heart, and I don’t wish that on anyone. Especially not someone so beautiful and captivating.

Sometimes I wonder if I can even do this with you. I have so much love for you, but I also feel so much shame and loneliness because of this. While you are going to bed with her, I am alone. You wake up with her. You eat your meals with her, all while playing the doting spouse role. You take care of her when she’s sick. Still, I am alone. I wonder if you’ve stepped up in your role as an effort to placate any suspicions she may have. Sadly, I envy all this and think of it when I am doing all of these things alone. I know you would be there with me if you could, but you can’t. I feel the weight of it all when I’m in bed falling asleep and wishing you were there, and then realizing you’re falling asleep with someone you love. Did you ever think of the way I feel in regards to these things? If you know how isolated I felt, would you still proceed with it all?

At times I want out of this. I want to be free from all of the stress and the burden of the shame, the guilt, and the negativity that people take towards me for playing this role. It’s not something I can easily talk to my friends about. I can’t tell them that I’ve met this wonderful man who is my soulmate, even though he has a wife. They all look at me as if I’m stupid because of it. There’s always something that you do that makes me stay. Your soothing words and sentiments calm all of the frenzy of uncertainty in my mind.

So, where does it go from here? Only time will tell. I doubt we’ll end up like we (or at least I) want us to. If she ever finds out and causes a frenzy, chances are you’ll stay with her and do your best to mend things. That’s the easiest way for you, right? Meanwhile, I’ll be cast aside. Part of me realizes this and is just waiting for it to happen. The other part is still stupid enough to believe that your love for me will overcome everything, and we can finally live out all of the dreams we’ve foolishly laid out. Only time will tell, and I have the nagging feeling that it won’t end up in my favor. Until then, you have me.

I think it’s incredibly ironic that I’ve written now several times (here and at a couple of my blogs) about how my wife and I very recently decided to embark on an open marriage in our middle age, and how the whole situation around the act has created both joy and stress in our relationship, and yet…well, after quite a number of months, we still haven’t fucked anyone but each other.

Yeah, I’m in an open marriage, but for all practical purposes, I and the wife are still in the traditional monogamous mode.

Sure, on the one hand making the decision to open our marriage is a blessing in itself. It took a lot of pressure off my wife to know that I was willing to let her have another lover (or lovers), and that I was open to one or more people joining us in our relationship. It’s also been a relief to know that if I find myself with an opportunity to have sex with someone other than my wife, or perhaps even to woo that person, I can actually act on it. I don’t have to live with the “what if” scenario in my head or sneak around. All around, a healthier situation than having longings (as my wife has had for some time apparently) to have more than me but to think it’s not possible.

Also, we can talk about real-life or online crushes we might have without awkwardness, and we don’t have to worry that any flirting we do will be misinterpreted by each other—because, whether it’s serious flirting or just friendly, casual flirting, it’s all OK.

But still, since we went through all the angst involved with my wife opening up to me about her desire and need for an open marriage…plus all the long discussions about how we can make it work and what the ground rules are…plus the time spent trying to making connections within the swinging and polyamory communities…plus everything else…well, it sure would be nice to be open in more than just theory.

I mean, I’ve opened myself up to the possibility of swinging, or polyamory, or some hybrid of the two, and it sure would be nice if I could actually open up someone else’s legs rather than just think about it. Or watch my wife do so. Or just know that she’s on a date doing it herself and finally realizing her unfulfilled fantasies.

It’s frustrating, I tell you.

And the thing is that it’s not really for lack of any opportunities. It’s not as though the wife and I are unappealing. Hell, we went to a swinging event and had a great time even though we didn’t play with anyone. We’d love the chance to attend another such event and at least play with each other while someone watches, even if we’re not ready to have relations with someone we don’t know or only know very slightly.

Also, we’ve discovered that many of the people my wife and I both interact with on Twitter, who live in our state, are themselves in open relationships and actively engaged in activities with multiple partners. And then there are people who seem like they’d be pretty willing to give it a go with my wife or I (or both). I’ve flirted with a couple of these women online. My wife has made her own connections online for light chatter and sometimes flirting.

A couple guys have offered to do some body worship or other submissive activities with her. Hell, a woman my wife knows outside of the virtual realm has openly offered to get together with us so that she and I can simultaneously pleasure my wife (though she has no interest in direct interaction with me, which is fine with me).

So, what’s the hold-up?

Are we scared/nervous? No. Well, mostly not. A swinging event recently got some police attention in our state, but it wasn’t run as classily or discreetly as the one we had previously attended, so it’s not likely we’d have problems at the one we’d be going to.

Are we too picky? Yes and no. My wife is pretty particular at times, and she and I both have some specific interests, but we’re not ruling out people left and right. It’s more a matter of not wanting to leap into situations with people just for the sake of “popping our cherries”, so to speak. There’s a guy or two on Fetlife who’d love to worship my wife’s pussy and/or feet, but my wife isn’t really into being a domme, so she’s not keen to rush into that offer.

Are we not committed enough? Hardly. My wife is very much feeling overdue to have a piece of someone other than me (or in conjunction with me). Not having yet acted on the potential of our newly opened relationship is a source of increasing stress for her.

No, the real problem is that we’re middle-aged married folks with a couple of kids.

That’s the dirty little secret of being in an open relationship: If you don’t have copious amounts of free time (and a reasonable amount of disposable income), you’re kind of screwed. Even more so in a state that is large but with a sparse population outside of the couple major centers of habitation and commerce. So, in our case, we have the friend of my wife’s willing to help me double-team her, but she lives over an hour away. There is a woman I think I can click with nicely, but she’s a couple hours away, and she has a husband who’d like to be involved with my wife possibly. In both cases, we’d need to invest in some serious babysitting.

Even going to a munch to meet other kinksters means a few hours in babysiting time eating our already tight budget. Same thing with a swinger event, and to make an event like that work best, we’d want to get a room at the inn where it’s held, meaning we’d need an overnight sitter.

Then on top of the sitter you’re spending money in gas, probably going out to dinner with folks, buying drinks or whatever at some point.

And sure, let’s just assume we save up or we get more freelance work and the money isn’t such an object. There’s the time. I’d love to get some time for some sensual fun, but if it comes at the expense of time with my wife for some quiet intimacy when the kid’s asleep, or time with the kid, or time to write and blog, or just time to catch up on movies—well, then the whole swinging or polyamory thing has to be weighed against the limitations of a 24-hour day and too many things to fit into it.

Make no doubt about it: An open marriage requires time to make the openness work. If you’re swinging, you need time to go to events or just to spend time having fun with your new partners. If you’re going for serious, hardcore polyamory, you have to essentially date in addition to maintaining a relationship that you’re already in to find one or more additional partners to develop a loving relationship with.

To all these stresses, add for us that we have no relatives near us. Add the fact that my wife runs an organization in which her perceived moral character could mean the difference between keeping her job or not. And make no mistake: If her board of directors found out she was having sex outside her marriage, they could (and likely would) remove her from her directorship of the organization. As her organization gains stature and so does she (by extension), she has serious concerns about going to events or being seen getting cozy with someone other than me. There are only a few degrees of separation between most people here in this state.

My wife has a crush on a guy who’s local, which is great in terms of time and convenience, but she hestitates to flirt with him, much less tell him she’s available even though she’s married. That’s a risk for her to take, and one that could lead to word getting out that she’s “loose” or “deviant” and then the shit will hit the fan for real.

So, even as opportunities for us to play with others or perhaps even pursue relationships in addition to our own present themselves, we have to think twice. My wife keeps vacillating as she tries to decide how aggressively to pursue activities outside our marriage, or if she even should right now (or ever) because of the risk of exposure.

It’s not the same for a lot of the people we see at munches or interact with online. I’m not saying that it’s EASY for them, but it’s certainly MORE easy for most of them. A lot of them are younger than us, with fewer obligations and fewer things to drain their money, and therefore more disposable cash. A lot of them don’t have kids, or are divorced and only deal with their kids a few days out of the week (or month), and therefore can have sleepovers without a child (like ours) asking why there are several people in mommy and daddy’s bedroom.

It’s all extremely frustrating. Not so much because I’m not getting any extramarital action, but more so because I know that it’s important to my wife that SHE get some of that kind of activity. It’s something she’s buried for too long, and now she feels like she has to re-bury it, and that hurts me. I hurt to see her want something so bad, have it theoretically in reach, and then have to say, “No, can’t risk it.” Or, “Can’t afford it.” Or, “I don’t have the time or the energy for that with everything else going on.”

I haven’t begun despairing yet, but I know how the years begin to fly by as one gets older. We’re still a reasonably appealing couple of people, individually or as a pair depending on the tastes of potential playmates or partners. But the longer we go unable to act on this and find the right people, the higher the chance we’re going to find ourselves as the couple that’s too old for anyone to have interest in. Then a window will have passed and there will be regrets, and I’ll feel like crap for my wife (and maybe a little for myself).

There are no answers here, I fear. No easy ones, anyway.

I will forever be grateful for the doors that were opened kink-wise when my wife revealed her needs and we re-sparked the passion. But I hope that in terms of the potential for both of us to have other partners and playmates that this isn’t an open and shut case where all the doors and windows are closed before we even have a chance to really be open.

After five years of being with the same person and having two kids with him, I am now officially, at 25 years old, a single mother. Now, I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would one day be this young, have two kids and not married to the person I had them with. I saw myself as being happy and taken care of. Life, unfortunately, never seems to turn out how you expect and hope it would.

I personally blame karma for this. I knew that after being wild and crazy as a teenager, doing whatever I wanted whether it be drugs or partying, I would one day have to pay for my carelessness.  The sad thing is, I felt like I had already paid enough. After being cheated on by my boyfriend, I too made the same mistake and let myself get caught up in the attention other men were giving me. I felt horrible afterward, and truth be told, the guy I chose sucked in bed, so it really was worthless that I went looking elsewhere when I was getting what I wanted at home. So after three unsatisfying meetings, I realized that I might have a problem, and behold my intuition was right. After taking a test, I figured out I was pregnant again.

Sticking to my feelings from when I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew that despite having relationship problems I would keep and have this baby. This is when hell pretty much started. The guilt I felt over my infidelity ate at me from the time I woke up till I went to sleep. It was all I could think about, it was making me miserable and unhappy at a time when I shouldn’t have been.

About five months after I found out I was pregnant, the truth finally came out. I already knew about when he had cheated on me and felt I took it well, so I was hoping he would do the same. I was wrong. He couldn’t handle what I had done, and the next few weeks were a blur of me staying up with him all night and day talking it out, over and over.

Instead of coming to terms with it and working together to rebuild our trust, he turned to drugs to numb his pain and escape from what our reality had become. As weeks went by, he started to become angry, and in turn started becoming violent. Our fights turned into harsh words meant to crush the other person, and hitting. I kept telling myself that we would get better, that given time we could work all this out and be alright and become the happy family I so desperately needed us to be.

As we became more disconnected from reality, my due date was quickly approaching, and in a weird way things started to get better. He was getting help, and we were finally figuring things out. The few days we spent in the hospital following our son’s birth were amazing, things felt normal and happy again, and I was ecstatic. Like most situations like this, things don’t stay happy for long. After we left the hospital, our reality became too much to bear, and the cycle started all over again.

Bath salt, for those who don’t know what it is, could be found at that time in any local smoke shop, it was essentially legal methamphetamine. I swore I would never touch it, I was pregnant and held my ground, but after my son was born I couldn’t handle the sleepless nights fighting and tried it. Starting that May, my life became a downward spiral that I still can’t fully recollect. Those five months I lost myself and started living in a world that didn’t really exist.

Feeding off each other, we kept doing bath salt and kept promising we would stop. We got to the point where we would stay up for a week, not eating, and after sleeping for one day, would start all over again. I knew that I wasn’t this person I had become. I looked in the mirror and saw a girl I didn’t recognize, she was a stranger. I lost 40 lbs in three weeks and was slowly driving myself to die. I know that now. If I hadn’t stopped I would probably be dead, and that thought terrifies me.

The last few months were the roughest. He started becoming more violent, and I would have to hide my bruises and make excuses for what we had become. This life was not what I wanted for my children; I knew that and yet had become too weak to do anything about it. I saw rock bottom coming, and instead of doing something to stop it, I waited for it to come. Every day he became more disassociated from reality, I saw that this drug was killing him from the inside out, he was sick and getting worse. At first I ignored the paranoia and delusions. He would see people that weren’t there and think everyone was out to get him. I tried over and over again to help him see what was real and what wasn’t, while I myself was slowly losing my grip on reality.

Watching someone you love and care about start to exhibit symptoms of a disorder such as schizophrenia is terrifying, you can see movies portray it ,but until you see it in real life it doesn’t become real. The drugs were triggering a problem he had, and it was terrifying. I was living in hell day in and day out. It got so bad that I just expected it to happen and went along with it. I knew the people he was seeing were not really there, but I appeased him and acted as if they were there. I kept trying to reassure him there was no one else since my mistake, and no matter how hard I tried it fell on deaf ears.

It got to the point where I had no phone, no computer, and couldn’t go to the bathroom alone. I was a prisoner in my own house, and I let it happen. Looking back, there were several things I could have done, people I could have talked to. I felt that by asking for help I was going to show everyone how vulnerable I was, and they would see all the mistakes I had and was making. I prayed our neighbors would call the cops, something, anything, so that I would have my savior, and it would not be my fault. They never came, despite all the fighting and screaming no one ever called the police.

The last weekend we were together the kids had gone to spend the weekend at my parents, we did the usual and escaped into our world. This time he didn’t come back out of it. Watching someone you love pretty much deteriorate in front of your eyes is brutal, words can’t even express how terrible it is. I knew our rock bottom was coming, and it would be coming sooner rather than later. We fought like never before, he hit me and didn’t even remember doing it. By that Sunday, I was too sore to move. Covered in bruises, I watched as he finally had enough and wanted to end it all.

I did the only thing I could think of. Our house was a mess, our life together shattered, I knew we had nothing left to lose except our lives. I got him into my car and started to take him to his mom’s house. Sadly it wasn’t that simple, he fought me and hallucinated the whole way. At one point, he got in the driver’s seat and I said my goodbyes. I truly didn’t think I would live to see my kids again. I have never been so helpless and terrified in my life. My saving grace was him getting out of the car to walk the rest of the way. I just let him go, and as much as it broke my heart I knew it was for the best.

I went back to his mom’s house a few hours later and learned that in the morning he would be moving to his dad’s house, out of state. I was heartbroken, but there was nothing I could do. That was the last time I saw him. We had been together for four and a half years, and the end had finally come. I would love to say that last day we hugged and left on good terms, but we didn’t. He was sick and didn’t know what was going on. It has been two months now, and I am living back with my parents and my kids. As hard and terrible as it was, I know it was all for the best.

Being apart has enabled us to both grow and heal. He is doing very well and has a job and a new girlfriend. He is happy, and that is all I can ask for. I still have days where all I want to do is cry and give up, but I have come this far and giving up now isn’t an option. Shortly after moving back home, I found out that I was pregnant again. I had to yet again make another hard decision, and even though it killed me I had an abortion. I wasn’t in the right state of mind to be pregnant again, and do what I needed to do to get back on my feet and be the mother my children needed me to be.

I know I made the right decisions. Things needed to happen this way, and I am thankful that we are both still alive and there for our kids. I felt that I had to write this, to get all of what I went through out in the open for myself. I need to heal, and keeping it bottled up inside will only damage me further. I hope that after reading this you take a look at your life, and the world, and realize how beautiful and precious it is. You have to live for today because you don’t know if you will have tomorrow. Cherish everything in your life, the good and the bad, these things are what make you the person you are. I am now a stronger person because of what I went through. I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. I can now be the parent I need to be, and maybe one day a wife. Until then, I am going to embrace all the things in my life.

… Says the (almost) 32-year-old Woman

I never write about Breast Cancer Awareness. I never know what to say. I usually leave it up to more qualified writers who’ve got experience with the subject beyond just “My aunt died of a malignant brain tumor. Does that count?” I may have actually written exactly that last year on one of the various places I write.

This time, I’ll just say check out our Breast Cancer Awareness category here for some really great reasons to make sure you and everyone you know are at least doing self exams (You too, fellas!). And head on over to EdenTube and check out the awesome videos we’ve got in from all you incredible contributors. Please, please do monthly self exams and pop into a doc if you find something you’re not used to.

This October, my mind is elsewhere. I’ve got a trip to visit my dad in sixteen days. While I’m there, I will be meeting my stepmother, my 5-year-old niece, my step-siblings and all my step-nieces and nephews for the very first time, and watching my father marry someone who isn’t my mother all in the space of a day and a half. And I have to wear a dress.

If you know me even a little bit, you’ve got an idea of what’s going on in my head right now. Every time I think about it, I get nauseous.

Family is not something I do well with. I can relate better to perfect strangers than the people I grew up with. I was going to say “the people who raised me” but nobody raised me. Not for lack of trying. It’s just really difficult to teach me abstract concepts. I have to figure things out for myself. Even today, as a fully grown woman, I’ve been known to say something to the effect of “I don’t care what you say. I think this is the way, and that’s what I’m doing.” Just a little stubborn.

I originally decided to go to this wedding for all the wrong reasons. My sister wasn’t going to go because she felt like she was betraying Mom, so I was going to have a bit of time with Dad and my new extended family to myself. A moment to make my own impression and not spend the entire time trying to outshine my “good” sister or prove I’m not the horrible person my mother and her family believe I am. I was hoping that maybe this time, since it was all about him and his new bride, he wouldn’t spend the entire time on the phone with my sister. Maybe he’d focus a little of his attention on me for a change.

That’s not going to happen. My sister changed her mind, and I’m only going to be there for at most 48 hours. Sixteen of them, we’ll be sleeping. At least eight of them, we’ll be in a car. We’ll say three hours for the ceremony and reception, and at least an hour and a half of getting ready. Maybe more since there will be at least five adults and one child staying at my dad’s place. So that leaves about 25 hours to meet and greet and spend time with my new family. Nowhere near enough time to even scratch the surface of what I really need from my old family to consider trying to rebuild a relationship with them. So it goes on the back burner. Again. And no one knows why I stay away. As usual.

Of course, I know, mentally, that it never should have been about that for me. Timing is everything, and going into my dad’s wedding weekend expecting anything more than celebrating the beginning of what I hope proves to be many years of happiness for him is selfish and mean. Even if there’s never a better time, and even if the conversation goes well, bringing up how I’ve felt pretty much all of my life at his wedding would be a really shitty thing to do.

M has left this situation entirely up to me. That’s a weird feeling. And it shows that we’ve come to a place in our relationship where He trusts me to make major decisions like this while taking into consideration all the things this could affect should it go badly. Of course, part of this, too, is Him knowing that I feel like I have to do this.

This step is a clear indication that we are somewhere we weren’t eight years ago. Eight years ago, had I faltered in my resolve to follow through for even a second, M would have pulled the plug on the whole thing. He’d have told me we weren’t going and would have tied up our purse strings so tight he’d squeeze a booger out of Abe Lincoln’s nose. He would’ve been right to do that, too. And not just for the “He’s the master. His word is law.” reason, either, though that should be the only reason He needs in our relationship. I’ve freely given Him that.

No, He’d be right to do it because eight years ago I couldn’t handle a situation like this like a mature adult should. I wasn’t a mature adult. Hell, I’m probably still not a mature adult. I sang along with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys about never growing up loudest and hardest of all my friends. The Toys R Us jingle was my favorite. I’ll probably drag M in there next year some time in the summer when it tends to have the least people in it.

In a vanilla (In the “There is no hierarchy.” sense, not the “You suck cause you’re not kinky.” sense. The latter is totally not my style.) relationship, that’s probably none of His business. In a vanilla relationship, if M still felt the way He does about this situation, His only recourse would be to express His concerns and wait for me to decide. He wouldn’t have to go or support my decision if he didn’t want to, but ultimately, the decision would be mine. Especially considering my father and I paid for the plane tickets.

This isn’t a vanilla relationship. My money is not my money. The decisions about my life and what I need are only mine to make when M allows me to make them. And when He decides to go against what I want, it’s rarely ever for selfish reasons. I’ll concede that I don’t always understand His logic, but I do know He tries to do what He thinks is best.

He knows that I feel like I really need to go this time. I feel like this is my last chance. I don’t know why. No one’s said anything to make me feel that way. Maybe it’s just part of my “eccentricities”. Whatever it is, He’s letting me lead us down this path. And now I’m really scared, cause there’s a whole bunch of people I’ve never met watching for who knows what, and I feel like I’m leading us into the lion’s den.

Great googly moogly! Why does growing up have to be so hard?

[box]What do you think? Let us know in comments or write a post of your own! We’d love to hear what you have to say.[/box]

It’s no secret that arguments and disagreements arise in any relationship. It’s a totally normal and healthy thing if done right. A couple who doesn’t have the occasional dispute is living in a fantasy world. There really isn’t a possible way for both partners to automatically agree on everything, and have both of their needs met at the level of their expectations. Sometimes, though, the strategy couples use to conquer their issues is unhealthy, and can only lead to more problems down the road. Anyone in a relationship needs to learn how to fight fair, and consider the feelings of themselves and their partner, to be able to have a truly successful relationship.

The biggest part of being able to handle these issues in a relationship, is being able to communicate in an effective manner, and keeping your own emotions in check. Without these two ingredients, most small disputes can turn themselves into a huge war. There are a few things to remember to help make sure that you’re solving your problems instead of making them worse.

1.  Pick the right time and place to discuss the issue.

Sometimes, we’re tempted to let our concerns come out whenever they cross our minds. These things can come about in situations that aren’t suitable for discussing anything. Imagine you’re at a party with a partner and they’re doing something that upsets you. It’s obvious that this isn’t the place for a full on confrontation. You want to express to them that what they’re doing is upsetting or angering you. What’s the best way to handle this situation? Politely tell them about what you’re feeling, but resolve to talk to them later in a more private setting. The last thing you need to do is cause a scene. The same concept also applies to schedules. If your partner is about to leave for work, it’s not a good time to bring up a serious issue for discussion. Make sure that you’re in a private, neutral setting, and that you both have time to discuss the situation fully.

2.  Present the issue in a non-confrontational way.

When bringing up an issue, it’s best to do it as calmly as possible. The last thing you want is for your partner to feel as if they’re under a personal attack. When people feel that they’re being attacked, they often respond in a defensive manner. Even though the issue may cause a negative emotional reaction in you, don’t let it get the best of you. This is hard, yes, but getting overly emotional doesn’t fix anything and can end up taking the disagreement to hostile levels. Don’t bring up the issue if you’re already feeling irritated by something else, because that irritation will just carry over to the conversation.

3.  Avoid “you” statements.

This one goes with the above tip. Sometimes it’s easy to start things with “you never”, “you don’t”, “you always”, etc. When you use these types of statements, it can come off as being confrontational or hostile. While it may be appropriate to use these types of statements in some situations, it’s better to rephrase them from an “I” and “we” perspective. Instead of saying “You don’t talk to me enough”, you could rephrase that as “I feel like we don’t communicate enough. I would like it if you talked to me more.” It’s amazing how a little bit of rephrasing can change the whole tone on what’s being said. Never, under any circumstances, should you ever call your partner names or assign them any labels. Saying things like “you’re so irresponsible” does nothing but upset the other person, and that’s not what you want, is it?

4.  Focus on the topic at hand.

Even though it’s incredibly tempting to do, it’s a bad idea to bring up any issues or instances outside of the issue being discussed. When this happens, it can create a whole mess of problems that go nowhere. All this really does is irritate both partners. If you’re discussing the amount of time you spend together, don’t bring up how your partner doesn’t clean up after themselves. It’s also not the time to recount the tale of how upset they made you three weeks ago when they forgot to call you back. Stay focused on one thing at a time, solve that issue, and then move on to the next. It’s so easy to get caught up in the act of fighting that you forget what the original issue was in the first place.

5.  Communicate your needs in a direct manner.

This is the biggest part of being an effective communicator. Tell your partner exactly what you need from them, and ask them to do the same to you. Neither one of you is a mind reader, and you won’t be able to solve anything if you don’t know what the other person is thinking. You can do this verbally, but it really helps to write it down in a list. Write your needs on one half of a piece of paper, have your partner write theirs on the other half. Having everything in front of you in this manner, or verbally listing each need, will help to clear up any confusion. You can go through the list one by one and talk about each item, if needed. You can also refer back to this list in the future.

6.  Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

If you or your partner is getting to the point where you become incredibly emotional, try to calm things down a little. Lower your tone of voice, take a deep breath, and try to relax. It’s never easy to solve anything when you’re in an emotional haze. In emotional regulation therapy, there is a concept of “logical mind”, “emotional mind”, and “wise mind”. It’s set up as a Venn diagram, where emotional and logical are two circles, and the wise mind is where these things overlap. It’s very similar to the head and heart metaphor. You want to make sure that both of these sides are balanced. If you’re too emotional, your logical mind may be drowned out. Try to stay in your “wise mind”.

7.  If you can’t relax, or find that nothing is being solved, take a four hour break.

The goal here is to give yourself and your partner time to cool down and think about what’s going on. It’s hard to make decisions, or work towards a compromise, without thinking over things fully, and letting your emotions cool down. When we’re in an emotional state, our logic is often slightly impaired. If you find that you’re just going in circles, agree to drop the issue until both of you are ready to talk about it again. This will give you a good amount of time to fully process the content of your discussion. Make it clear that neither of you is abandoning the issue. During the four hour break, it’s a good idea to distance yourself from your partner and have some time to yourself.

8.  No one is the “winner”. Work towards a compromise.

No one is the winner when it comes to disagreements in relationships. You shouldn’t be trying to prove that you are right and your partner is wrong. The best way to solve things without any resentment from either partner, is to work towards a compromise. For example, if your partner wants more time to spend with their friends, but you want more quality time, work out a compromise for this situation. This could be something like having a set date night, where you agree to do something nice together, and then giving your partner a day for themselves, where they can see their friends or do things they want to do. Compromise takes flexibility from both parties. You shouldn’t just give in to all of your partner’s demands, and they shouldn’t be doing the same to yours. Find a middle ground where both of you are happy and getting your needs met.

9.  Remember what you’re fighting for.    

This may be the most important tip of all. When things get heated, and when people get upset, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s important. You and your partner are together because you love each other and want to share your lives together. Even though it’s easy to tell yourself and your partner that you’re better without them when things get difficult, remember why you wanted to be with them in the first place. Make sure that you realize that relationships take work. They’re not easy, but if done right, they can be highly rewarding and fulfilling.

When it comes to relationships, we can agree that we’re going to disagree no matter how healthy or solid they are. When we make sure to fight fair, it allows for growth as a couple, and on an individual level. Taking this advice to heart will help to make the occasional disagreement a smooth and easy process, which cuts down on any stressful situations. Relationships were meant to be happy and fulfilling. Knowing how to fight fair and handle these issues in a healthy, respectful manner will help make more room in your relationship for happy things, and that’s something we all deserve.