When I’m away at school, I don’t watch television. I don’t have the time, or a TV set of my own, and the last time I actively watched television was during the Winter Olympics. However, one of the perks of being home (at least until my family starts haranguing me to unpack/get a job/etc) is to watch trash TV. Specifically, stuff on BRAVO, MTV/Vh1/Oxygen, etc. Here are some casual observations from two days of trash TV watching:

1. Real Housewives of New York

Jill gives a bad name to gingers everywhere, I want to have a cuddle party with Sonja, I want to go shopping with Alex, and I want a bag of whatever Kelly is on. Also, as a veteran for the One-Night Stand, I can safely say that a one-night stand DOES NOT EQUAL “having unprotected sex with everyone in America”, and can be quite fun, as long as your roommate doesn’t constantly walk in on you [grumble].

2. Real Housewives of Bergen County, ahem New Jersey

My entire family is from New Jersey, and some of my relatives live approximately 20 miles away from Franklin Lakes (I actually recognize certain stretches of 287 that they film on). Although I can’t deny that producers might try to punch up the drama, I can attest that there are women like Dina, Theresa, Jaqueline, and Danielle do really exist in the Garden state. Even in my relatively drama and skeleton-in-closet free family, that pervasive attitude of “So-and-so did such-and-such 5 years ago, and I never want to talk to them again” is very common, and unfortunately, the only time that I can remember people putting family disagreements aside was during my grandmother’s illness and death. Also, the garishness of Theresa never fails to shock me. Also also, “chucky” is the worst euphemism for the vagina ever.

3. America’s Next Top Model marathons

I really need to start watching this show while under the influence. I think everything will finally make sense. Also, I’m always surprised by how this show seems to attract such sheltered contestants. Or maybe it’s just the producers wanting to pair the abstinent Christian and the bisexual stripper together to create Television Drama. Which this show does NOT need when you have Tyra walking in wearing a crazy spandex superhero costume. I want the next cycle to have a challenge where they all have to pose while wearing strap-ons.

4. Bad Girls Club.

A lesbian nightclub 3 hours away was promoting a night where the “special guest” was Flo. I wondered why the hell having a cast member of The Bad Girls Club is considered a good way to promote your establishment.

5. The Millionaire Matchmaker.

Highlights (for me, anyway) include Patti’s expression after someone she was screening identified herself as pansexual, Patti feeling obligated to have a bicurious client visit a psychic before meeting women, and Patti’s love of men with waxed chests. Patti, people’s orientations cannot always be fit into little boxes, and men with fuzzy chests are awesome, thankyouverymuch. I was a little disappointed to see Christian Farmer Dude pass over Pan Girl (because Jesus hates the pansexual*?), but whatever. I also wonder if Christian Farmer Dude and his date were virgins (was their use of “serious relationships” Christianese for “sexy time”? Mostly, I just want Patti to go away. And to stop talking about how her vibrators always die (Seriously–has she tried something rechargeable yet? What about the wonderful world of dildos?). While I do appreciate it when she takes her more snobbish clients down a peg, I could do that without being so narrow minded. Hey BRAVO, wanna give me a job?

6. 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom

I have quite a few friends who had children in their teens/late twenties. Most seem to be handling it pretty well. They also have pretty strong networks of families and friends, and a steady source of income. I wonder if MTV deliberately went out of their way to find the most dysfunctional families, because saying that all teen moms live difficult, miserable lives is just as bad (and as inaccurate) as saying that all women without children are unhappy and unfulfilled. I also want to grab Farrah by the shoulders and shake her for treating having a child as having a glorified baby doll, and I really, really want to read Farrah’s mom the riot act for being such an insufferable asshat.

7. Kell on Earth.

I got to see Kelly Cutrone speak several months ago (Best quote: “Make your own money so you can sleep with whoever you want”), and she said that “Kell on Earth” and her appearances on “The Hills” helped keep her business afloat during the past several years. Also, she shops at Bableand! And she does wear all black and no makeup, in person. Also ridiculously awesome sparkly cowboy boots. Also, I know people trying to get summer internships at fashion companies, and those interns SUCK. Forreals.

Finally, WHAT THE HELL is Sarah Jessica Parker doing executive producing a reality TV show about art? If BRAVO wants to do a TV show about art, they should ditch the faux-reality-ty-competition stuff,
and just bring their cameras to my school. We have talented people, plenty of substances, lots of sexual intrigue, and Exacto knives.