The list of the things that I hate about my body is a long one. I have never once, in my entire life, been happy or accepting of my size or the flaws of my body. You’ll rarely see my legs in my Half-Naked Thursday contributions because, in addition to their size, I have numerous visible veins on my legs. Some are spider veins, and some are just random veins seemingly throw about to decorate my legs. When my legs have appeared in a picture, the veins were not all that visible. I prefer it that way. My large hips and butt make buying pants a frustrating and depressing endeavor. My belly is not as large as I’ve seen on most women my size, but it’s big enough to make me self-conscious. My breasts swing low and heavy when not encased in a bra.

My face is another part of my body that I do not like. I have struggled with acne for all of my adult life and most of my teenage years. I’ve tried just about every possible over-the-counter wash and medication. I’ve even used Proactiv and I’m currently using TriClear. The latter has done the most for me, especially in terms of reducing the horrible redness I used to have. I still get acne, though, and plenty of it. I’ve got visible old acne scars all over my face and it seems a new pimple or two pops up every day. Makeup is not a solution for me as I do not like the stuff. It is also too expensive and I do not wish to take the time to apply it. I figure my face will never be completely clear and I’m stuck with the face I have. I’m sort of accepting of it never changing but I still hate it.

Like all fat kids, I got a lot of grief for my size. I loathed P.E. I would often conveniently forget to bring my gym clothes and my punishment was to go to the library and write an essay on whatever subject my teacher required. Being a lover of reading and writing, I didn’t find the punishment all that punishing. The only time I enjoyed P.E. was during my freshman year of high school. They gymnasium had an upper section that was a weight room. I discovered I loved lifting weights. I’d feel strong and capable when I worked the machines. Once, a friend who was big like me and I thought we’d see how much weight we could lift with our legs. We added enough weight to bring the total to 200 pounds and we each did two sets of ten reps. I couldn’t walk the next day and stayed home from school. It didn’t dampen my love of weightlifting, though.

Naturally, the grief I suffered at the hands of my peers negatively impacted by body image. I don’t think fashion magazines bothered me, but then I don’t think I read any when I was young. And unlike what some people claim, I never compared myself to my Barbie dolls and I sure as hell never wanted to look like them. If your kid wants to lose weight and alter their body to look like a doll, the kid’s got some issues. But I digress. While the taunts and insults hurt me when I was younger, there were bigger worries in my life. Also, I developed a thick skin and that has served me well. I even crack jokes about my weight. An offline friend is big like me and we rag on each other all the time about being fat. But we also share the struggles. We understand that a sense of humor is a must if you’re ever going to survive.

My friend has tried weight-loss pills and I always give her shit about it every time she mentions trying something new. The only way you can lose weight is to eat better and get off your fat ass, barring the weight being a result of a medical condition or a medicine. I don’t do diets or pills. Even when I was young I knew they were a bad, stupid idea. I don’t buy into the idea of a fat gene. I’d bet money that most people are overweight because they eat too much and don’t exercise enough or the right way.

There was a period in my life, between 15 and 16, where I ate healthier and worked out every day (with only a few exceptions) at my house. I lost weight back then but the flood of 1993 took our house and everything we owned. Unable to workout like I once did and living off of takeout and vending machine food as a result of living in hotels and motels, I gained back the lost weight and have added much more during the years since. That year was the last time I exercised regularly. I’m now thirty-two and I have many aches and pains (possibly arthritis) that make exercising difficult, never mind motivation. I do get some exercise but nowhere near the amount I should.

Nowadays, I really don’t give a shit what people think about how I look when I’m out and about. I mean, I’m still self-conscious about how I look naked. You won’t see me joining a nudist community anytime soon. I worry when I send someone a naked picture of myself or I post one on the blog. I don’t care what anonymous assholes have to say, or people that I don’t know, but I can’t help but fret when someone I know requests a picture. But the worry lessens with every positive comment I get. My anti-anxiety pills help with this, too. I’ve almost completely adopted the attitude of: This is my body. Love it or hate it. And if you hate it, fuck you and move on.

With regards to my face, I’ve found that people care more about someone who smiles and actually engages in conversation than any blemishes. Hell, I forget about my pimple(s) of the day when I’m talking with others. I tease them, crack jokes, and actually listen to what they have to say instead of dying on the inside in embarrassment of how I look. I’m not the shy girl I once was. My confidence in social situations has increased and people really respond to it. I think some people think I’m younger than I am because of my acne, as though only teenagers get it. I’m sure some women would find that to be a silver lining, but I’ve never aspired to look younger than I am. I’m not even afraid of gray hair. In fact, I look forward to it!

What I’ve realized, is that although all of the shit I endured as a kid hurt badly, I can’t let the past rule my present and future. I have to move forward and either accept how I look or find the motivation to change what I don’t like about myself. I’ve definitely made strides and there isn’t any reason why I shouldn’t be able to continue. Now I just need to find where I put my motivation.