Bisexuality. Such a small word to fit in my entire perspective on my sexuality. Until I started into sex blogging, I never knew there was such a myriad of different words to describe sexuality: bisexuality, queer, pansexual, heteroflexible, and so many others.  Bisexual seems like such a small word to describe something that is so central to my sexuality.

I like boys. I like girls. Simple enough, right? Sorta. I like Kinsey’s idea of the sexuality scale. If given the right circumstances, I’d be perfectly okay with dating either a male or a female. However, probably because of societal conditioning, the traits that I enjoy in a partner are usually found in males. Women tend to be a lot more chatty, and I’m one of those people that, while I love talking once in a while, I much prefer to be left to my own amusement most of the time. Most guys (like my own) are usually pretty okay with that, and will just zone out with their own video games. For the most part, I’m just not very chatty or cuddly. Not to say I don’t have my moments though. So, while I’d date a woman if the moment presented itself, I almost exclusively tend to date men. I’m attracted to both genders though.

It’s amazing all of the different sexual identities that I’ve learned about since being involved in the sex community. I can’t honestly say that I have a good hold on that, or gender identities, yet. I want to go into Psychology, and I have a basic hold on the idea of gender identities, but I still don’t completely comprehend it yet. I have a hard time understanding the differences between some of the sexualities sometimes. Of course, it will never be an exacting science. After all, when it comes to sexuality, it’s a self-defined term. Sure, we loosely define them, but someone I know considers himself bisexual, even though he is not sexually attracted to men; it’s just because he would be involved in kink with them if given the chance. That’s not my idea of bisexuality, but it is apparently his. So we all define our own terms, our own way, and that can be one of the problems with really understanding, and holding down a “strong” definition of any term.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be ashamed of my sexuality. Not in the sex community, of course, but in my “real life”. Sometimes, I wonder why I should bother expressing my bisexuality at all. It would be an issue if I was actively dating a girl, but I’m not. It makes me sound like a horrible sex-positive person, but since bisexuality causes such a discomfort in people, and it actively doesn’t affect anyone I’m around, why should I tell anyone that I’m anything but heterosexual? It’s not much of a step-forward for the sexual community in general, but it’s also much safer this way. At least, if you ask me, it is. I know that people tend to look differently on bisexuality than on heterosexual, or homosexual behaviors.

When you consider it, everyone is “default” to heterosexuality (usually) unless you say otherwise. Homosexuality, while not widely accepted, is “accepted” as a deviant behavior. Some people are still uncomfortable with homosexuality, and some are more comfortable with it. But bisexuality? Bisexuality has the stigma of being “greedy” – like I can’t decide on one gender or the other. The fact that I can be attracted to either gender seems to make people a lot more uncomfortable than if I could just “pick a side”. Of course, that’s only my view on the world. I could be completely off; I’ve got the “societal upbringing” of the Midwest, which is always joked about as being ten years behind the rest of the world.

I’m uncomfortable sharing this information, period, with my parents. When other under-30 people confess their non-heterosexual sexuality, my mother has always said they “are confused”. She’s said that they just are going through a phase, and it’s something they’ll grow out of. If I was to tell her about my own sexuality, I wouldn’t want her thinking the same thing about me. After all, it’s my sexuality. Plus, she always says everything is going to ruin my marriage. That he’ll leave me because I’m too fat, because I can’t cook, and much more. I just don’t want to add another item to the list.

Not telling my coworkers or anyone else is easy. No one ever sees me with anyone but the boyfriend (and even that is rare), so it’s not very hard to keep it a secret. Since it really isn’t anyone’s business, and I barely see my coworkers as it is, it seems that my bisexuality is going to be one of those secrets that stays with me. I can’t say I mind though. It keeps everyone out of my business, and no one can hold it against me. Even so, when I take anonymous surveys, I always feel guilty about clicking the “Bisexual” box. It makes me paranoid that someone might, somehow, use it against me.

How does this affect my relationship with my boyfriend? I’m open about it. It’s actually really fun, since both the boyfriend and I are bisexual. Hot guy? He will comment. Hot girl? I’ll comment. Sometimes we get into “mini-wars” on whether someone is attractive or not. He’s perfectly okay with bringing in another man, as long as that man would be focused on him. I’m perfectly okay with bringing in another female, as long as that female would focus on me. We both are fully aware that we’d want to be with someone of the same gender if given the chance, but as we’re currently pretty happy with one another, we’re not really actively seeking.

Bisexual is still one of those things that I consider myself. It’s not central to my personality, but it’s still a strong outlier. I sometimes wish I didn’t have to lie about something that leads me to be attracted to both sexualities, but it seems to be the safest (and easiest) route. Granted, the easiest route isn’t always the best route, but I think, in my situation, it is. My sexuality seems to work just fine with my partner, and until either of us really wants to seek out another person to play with, I’m perfectly content with just looking.