I am not a fan of rape. I am not a defender of rape. I don’t think men are entitled to take what they want just because they can. I know that sexual assault is a prevalent crime that can be harrowing even if no actual violence is visited upon the victim. After all, the threat of violence (whether actively voiced or implied) can be a powerful thing if you don’t think you can outfight or outrun the person hell-bent on getting into your pants or elsewhere. And that still means a profound sense of violation and emotional scarring.

What I am also not a fan of, though, is being too quick to label something as sexual assault when the facts are fuzzy—particular if the memories, motivations and mind-set of the person claiming assault were fuzzy. You know, as in compromised by alcohol or other drugs.

On the one hand, a drunk person, particularly a woman in the presence of an aggressive man, is particularly vulnerable and easier to overpower, frighten, or to discredit afterward if a claim of rape is made. It’s heinous that there are plenty of men willing to use that to their advantage to force themselves on another person.

But on that other hand, memories are fuzzy when intoxicants are involved. If a woman wakes up the next morning and she’s feeling a bit sore but hasn’t been savaged, and the man never threatened her, is it logical for her to claim sexual assault? She might not even be fully aware of what she said or did the night before, and thus may have given consent or implied it without realizing it the next day. Drugs are shitty that way.

I know that many will say the first scenario (rape) is the more common and the second (a misunderstanding leading to a false rape charge) is way more rare. You’re probably right if you do say that. It doesn’t change the fact that it can, and almost certainly does happen often enough for some men to have their lives ruined while having done nothing wrong. I don’t want any victims, male or female.

Now, I don’t have an answer to this dilemma. People get drunk, or high, or both—and they fuck. This is not wise, but it happens. There are no rules or legislative guidelines that will make things more crystal clear the next morning when they were chemically clouded the night before.

One thing I will say is that women should probably not get wasted in a place where they are vulnerable (whether because of the people likely to be there, because they are out alone, or whatever). No, I don’t think a woman is “asking for it” if they get blitzed, any more than I think a woman who dresses sexily invites rape. But I couldn’t see myself (if I were a woman) going off with a man I didn’t trust and know if I was compromised in my reflexes, judgment, etc.—nor could I see myself getting hammered if I were in an unfamiliar place and not with some loyal friends around to watch my back.

This isn’t about blaming the victim, but rather about not putting yourself at a serious disadvantage. When my wife is out at a meeting, or with friends, or whatever, and I’m at home watching our little girl, I don’t drink. Even if she has a ride lined up with a designated driver or is planning to stay over somewhere, I stay sober because I know there’s always that slim chance she may need me to drive out to get her, and what if I’m fucking three sheets to the wind when that happens? It’s not a perfect analogy to the drinking-and-sexual-assault scenario, but it is in the neighborhood. Be wary, and be ready—shitheads can appear at any time. I don’t go down unfamiliar streets late at night unless I have no choice, particularly in cities or areas with which I’m unfamiliar—and even less so if that area or city has a bad reputation. And if I must be in such a place, I keep my eyes open and my wits sharp.

But now that I’ve made my plea to women to be careful out there and not make yourself an easy target, I have to switch over to the guys (though you’re welcome listen in, ladies).

My fellow men, listen closely: Don’t fuck women who are drunk out of their minds, stoned beyond any sense of reason, or anything like that, unless you know them and are pretty sure it will be OK in the morning.

Just don’t.

I’m not saying that drunk sex or sex while high on illegal drugs isn’t fun. It can be wonderful to have all your inhibitions thrown to the wind. But don’t do it with some woman you just met or barely know. For God’s sake, surely if you don’t have a girlfriend right now willing to get wasted with you and get jiggy, you will at some point in the foreseeable future. Don’t rush into it with someone with whom you have no history or sense of context. Because, really, if she’s hopped up on several drugs and inviting you to do all sorts of things with her, perhaps many of them rough, do you really want to take the risk? And I don’t just mean the risk she might think she was raped by you…or just turn out to be a fruitcake who thinks it would be cool to accuse you of rape. If she wants to have crazy stoned sex with you and you just met, you have to wonder if she’s got a dude nearby waiting to roll you, if you’re going to end up with several STDs, or something else.

Granted, there’s always the chance you might be high as a kite, too, in which case you might not make the best choices in such a scenario, but err on the side of just saying no to nookie while massively under the influence, if for no other reason than it will probably be way cooler if you can remember the next day what you actually did so you can relive it over and over in your mind.

Yeah, yeah, I sound like a prude. So the fuck what? Some of y’all want to party, and you want to get drunk, and if a woman whose judgment has left the building comes on to you, you look at me and say, “Why should I say no?”

I don’t know. Because it’s the right thing to do?

Look, I lost my virginity late in life, as I noted in another recent Eden Cafe article. Part of that is because I err on the side of gentlemanly behavior. I think you should, too. I’m a gentleman, and I’ve been able to have some fucking raucous sex. It’s just that I’ve had such sex with a woman whom I actually know, and I know what her limits are (mostly). Even if you’re a bad boy in most of your interactions, at least show some chivalry when a woman isn’t in her right mind.

When I think about it, I realize I could have lost my virginity long before the age of 27 if I had really wanted to—just by taking advantage of women when they weren’t totally in control of their judgment.

I’m so glad I never was tempted by that prospect, much less guilty of doing it.

I wouldn’t have had a ton more sexual notches on my belt, but I would have been able to get some action. But to me, it wouldn’t have been worth it.

First case in point: There was a woman during my senior year of college who was clearly interested in me. I could have gotten her naked with very little problem. There are two reasons I didn’t. First, she was not a balanced person. I don’t know if she had bipolar disorder or what, but most of the time, you could see the cloud of doom and gloom over her head. She was clearly the clingy and potentially obsessive type, too. Sure, I could have fucked her for a while and later dumped her, but I don’t want the stress of having attached to me a person with mental illness who clearly had no interest in medication or counseling—nor do I want to be a party in fucking up her mental health further by being an ass to her when I didn’t really have any interest in her personally. Another guy in our dorm hall got regular blowjobs from her before she started showing interest in me, but he didn’t give her any affection or really, for the most part, even give her the time of day. His theory: “Giving me head makes her feel better. I’m therapeutic to her.” For the record, her demeanor was clearly not in support of his theory, and he callously told her to take a hike a few weeks after being so therapeutic. So, yeah, I could have used her myself, but just because she’s willing to debase herself to get some illusion of love, and just because she was willing to make herself vulnerable wouldn’t make me cool for taking advantage.

Doing so with a drunk or high woman isn’t any better.

So, yeah, about that…I’ve also been to parties with women passed out drunk or so near to unconsciousness that I likely could have done just about anything and had them mumble “OK” and probably not even have been remembered the next day. But why? What am I going to get from a nearly comatose woman that I couldn’t get a lot quicker with my own hand and some spit or lube? Isn’t part of the joy of sex to get that interplay? To make the other woman hot and show how much a man you are that you can get her to say your name and, at the very least, fake an orgasm for you even if you can’t do the job properly? To me, fucking a woman who’s barely aware of the world around her is just a half-step from heading to the mortuary to find a piece of ass that’s about to be embalmed or just has been.

My point is that in a situation where drugs of any kind—legal or otherwise—are involved, someone has to be the responsible one. Dude, let it be you. What sex is possibly worth finding out the next day that the woman wouldn’t have fucked you if she were sober, even if it doesn’t end in a sexual assault charge or an STD or whatever?

I prefer to know that someone I’m about to have sex with actually wants to have sex with me, and knows she’s about to have sex. This isn’t an area where I want mystery or confusion. And if you want to have that kind of mystery or confusion, I wonder about how interested you are in even having good sex to begin with.

If she’s drunk enough to do anything you say, settle for getting her phone number from her and then call her up when she’s actually got her wits again.

You might not thank me for that, dude, but she might—and that’s fine with me.