Eden Cafe

I’m going to be writing about something that is very often experienced, yet very rarely talked about. It’s the dirty little secret, that thing that happens behind closed doors, the shame-filled horror that you hope no one ever finds out about. But I’m going to drag it, kicking and screaming, out of the closet and onto this blog. I’m going to be writing a series of posts about domestic violence.

Why would I ever want to do such a thing? Because someone needs to do it. It’s important. As a survivor of an abusive relationship, and someone that worked as a therapist and educator at a domestic violence center, I feel qualified and able to speak about this. To give a voice to those that can’t, to warn those who could be next, and to provide comfort and reassurance for survivors and victims that they are not alone and that it is not their fault. I’m going to keep talking about it and keep writing about it, and keep teaching people what to look for and how to avoid it. How to get out and how to help those that need it. How to stay safe if you can’t get out and how to empower yourself once you have.

I’m planning on writing about many different aspects of domestic violence (DV). But what I want to do in this post is to define DV and talk about what it is and what it looks like. DV is about power and control, plain and simple. I cannot state or repeat that enough. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS ABOUT POWER AND CONTROL. There is a power and control wheel that was handed to almost everyone that walked into our center for help, and it listed the different ways in which an abuser can gain power and control over their victim (the power and control wheel is not gender neutral in language, however the information can be applied to abusers and victims of any sex or gender).

Physical and sexual violence are the most obvious ways in which an abuser can gain power and control, but not the main ways. In fact, someone has already been being abused for quite some time before the first incident of physical violence ever occurs. Someone has to have already gained power and control over you for you to be able to accept physical violence from someone; if the person you were dating hit you a week into your relationship, you’d be gone immediately. That abuser has to know they’ve already got you enough under their control that you won’t leave if/when they hit you. So how do abusers gain that power and control? What tactics do they use? I’m going to break down each item on the power and control wheel and expand on them. However, not all abusive relationships have elements from every piece of the wheel, though the majority of the people we see at the center have relationships that do. Some have elements from some parts and not others, some have elements from just one or two, and some fit the bill of everything listed on there.

Intimidation.

· Making them afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures. We always say that the victim knows their abuser better than anyone else does. And once a batterer has established enough power over their victim, all it takes is a simple look or tone of voice and the victim knows immediately to back off. Shut up. Placate. All it takes is that one look to put the victim in their place.

· Smashing things. This could be anything from smashing items around the house to punching holes in walls or doors when angry to banging on the table to prove a point. Throwing things is another thing that intimidates the victim without actually physically laying a hand on them.

· Destroying property. Oftentimes, the batterer will destroy property belonging to the victim, especially items that have sentimental value or are of great value to the victim. This is also an example of emotional abuse.

· Abusing pets. This person will torment pets and show no compassion for them. It’s also a way of torturing their victim by hurting something that they love and that means a lot to them. See? I am willing to kick the dog, just like I’m willing to kick you. They also know how much hurting a beloved pet actually hurts the abuse victim.

· Displaying weapons. Even if an abuser never directly threatens their victim with the weapon, they may leave a gun or other weapon out in plain sight. The victim has never been threatened by the weapon, but they are very aware that their abuser owns that weapon and are constantly worried about them using it.

· Stalking. This one is especially common when someone leaves their abuser. Their abuser’s power and control has been taken away and they need to do whatever they can to get it back. Stalking their victim by calling incessantly, showing up to their home, work, or children’s school, or following them while driving are meant to scare the person so much that they return to the abuser for fear that if they don’t, the abuser will do something even worse.

Emotional abuse.

· Putting them down. Nothing the victim does is good enough. They put them down all the time and about anything and everything. They may criticize the victim for their race, gender, upbringing, or educational level.

· Making them feel bad about themselves. The abuser will tell them that they’re fat and ugly and that no one will ever want them. “Who else is going to love someone like you?” When someone says things like that to you on a constant basis, eventually you are going to start believing it.

· Calling them names. Fat. Lazy. Ugly. Slob. Liar. Whore. Stupid.

· Making them think they’re crazy. We call this “crazy-making behavior.” These are things like taking the keys off the entry table and when the victim goes to look for them, they aren’t there. The victim searches high and low for their keys, swearing that they put them on the entry table. And then the abuser returns them to the entry table and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? They were right here!” Or messing with something in the car engine so that it won’t start and then replacing it and starting the car right up.

· Playing mind games. These could be things like excessive and terrifying reckless driving while the victim is in the car, making them legitimately fear for their life. I’ve heard a story about an abuser holding a knife to his partner’s throat and then laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world. Or sneaking into the house dressed in all black and scaring their partner, then laughing hysterically about it.

· Humiliating them. Especially in public. Humiliating them in front of friends and family or in public by insulting or putting them down.

· Making them feel guilty. The victim is made to feel guilty about EVERYTHING. Dinner isn’t ready at 6:00 on the dot. There’s too much salt in the food. Little Johnny spilled his milk. The batterer can’t find their keys. You name it, it’s the victims fault.

Isolation. This is a big one. An abuser strives to isolate their victim from friends, family, and the outside world as much as possible so that a) they don’t have a support system to turn to or anywhere to go if they want to leave and b) they don’t have people telling the partner that these behaviors are not normal. Eventually, isolation can progress to the point of the abuser moving the victim away where they know no one and not allowing them the opportunity to go out and meet new people.

· Controlling what they do, who they see and talk to, what they read, and where they go. This starts slowly, with seeds being planted with statements like, “Why are you talking to Jane? She doesn’t like me. I hate when you talk to Jane.” It progresses and can eventually get to the point where the abuser is checking milage on the car, phone records, and telling the victim where they can and cannot go.

· Limiting outside involvement. This could be anything from not allowing the victim to join clubs or groups or go out with friends. The less exposure the victim has to the outside world, the less exposure they have to “normal” behaviors and relationships.

· Using jealousy to justify actions. You see, they care about you so much that they just don’t want to lose you and it KILLS them when you see/talk/flirt with Linda/John/Connie.

Minimizing, denying, and blaming.

· Making light of the abuse and not taking concerns about it seriously. This is done with statements like, “I didn’t hit you *that* hard!” or “It’s just a scratch! Get over it and stop being such a baby!”

· Saying the abuse didn’t happen. When the victim brings up an abusive incident, the abuser might say, “I never did that.”

· Shifting responsibility for the abuse. “You hit me first!”

· Saying the victim caused it. “If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t get so angry with you.” “If you had just gotten dinner ready on time, like I asked, I wouldn’t have had to hit you.”

Using children. Not all people that abuse their partners abuse their children, though studies show that about 60% of men that abuser their female partners also abuse their children. Children are one of the main things that keep victims in abusive relationships, and also become a much larger part of the abuse once a victim has left, as the abuser is trying to gain power and control back by any means possible.

· Making them feel guilty about the children. “You made me have to hit you in front of our daughter!” Telling them that they are a bad parent or pointing out all the things they are doing wrong as a parent.

· Using the children to relay messages. “Tell Mommy that if she had finished Daddy’s laundry, that he wouldn’t have had to hit/yell at her.”

· Using visitation to harass partner. When a couple is separated, visitation rights and times are a way to harass, control, and manipulate the victim.

· Threatening to take the children away. “If you leave, I’ll just get custody and you’ll never see your kids again.”

Economic abuse. This was something that I had never even considered before starting my job, but it is probably the most common form of abuse that I see, as well as the one that has the biggest impact in preventing a victim from leaving.

· Preventing them from having or keeping a job. If a victim is not allowed to work, they do not have the means to support themselves or a method of doing so and thus often traps them in their relationship. An abuser may also not allow the victim to go to school or further their education, as those are things that enhance their opportunity for a better living.

· Making them ask for money. This is embarrassing and humiliating for the victim. They must ask for money, and then give a reason why they need it, and are hardly ever allowed as much as they need. The abuser may even count the change to the cent and check all receipts when they get home from the store, because it’s THEIR money and they were nice enough to give you some.

· Giving them an allowance. The abuser will give the victim a set amount of money each week, which is almost never enough to cover what they need to get. They may expect them to buy groceries, items for the children, and basic household items all on an obscenely small and unrealistic budget and then badger, harass, and punish them when/if they ask for more.

· Taking their money. If the victim does work, the abuser may take their paycheck the minute they get it.

· Not letting them have access to family income. Many victims have no idea how much money is in their abuser’s bank account, how much their bills are, or what any of their assets are. This keeps the control in the abuser’s hands, especially if the victim leaves.

Male privilege. While this was written to apply to heterosexual relationships, there is almost always a power imbalance in abusive relationships of all types and so these behaviors can really apply to any abuser, regardless of gender.

· Treating partner like a servant. They may expect their partner to keep the house clean, do the laundry, shop for groceries, make dinner every night, and take care of the kids all on their own with no help whatsoever.

· Making all the big decisions. Alone, and without input from their partner. Nor do they care what their partner would want.

· Acting like the “master of the castle.”

· Being the one to define men’s and women’s roles (or each partner’s roles). The victim must live up to what the abuser’s definition of a spouse/partner is. If the abuser expects their partner to be A, B, and C, then that is what their partner must be.

Coercion and threats.

· Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt their partner. Oftentimes, the abuser *has* physically hurt their partner before, so the partner has every reason to believe that these threats are legitimate.

· Threatening to leave, commit suicide, or report partner to welfare. “If you don’t do X, you’re a bad partner and I’m leaving you.” “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself. I can’t live without you!”

· Making them drop charges. If the police are called after an incident, the victim may initially press charges. The abuser may stalk and harass them until they are intimidated enough to drop the charges or apologize and tell them that they love them and will get help to convince their partner to drop the charges.

· Making them do illegal things. This could be forcing them to have sex for money or forcing them to go with them on drug deals. But this could also manifest itself in any action that an abuser forcers their victim to do that is against their moral or religious beliefs or that they are uncomfortable with.

I want to make very clear that BDSM and abuse are not the same thing. That’s been discussed here on Eden Cafe before. BDSM is consensual; abuse is not. The victims in abusive relationships do not want to be treated this way, and have no desire to be treated this way. In BDSM, the submissive willingly gives up their power and control to their top. In abusive relationships, it is gradually and systematically stripped from the victim. The unfortunate thing is that DV is not rare. It’s more common than we think, and there’s no way to predict who is a victim. We’ve had teachers, preacher’s wives, senators wives, celebrities, and your next door neighbor walk through the doors of our center. No one is immune. And most domestic violence is NOT physical, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t scars and that it doesn’t leave wounds.