Yesterday, I had a bit of a shock. One of the tops stories on CNN was a Supreme Court trial set for next year that will decide whether or not a woman gave consent to being kept as a slave. You might have seen it in the news a couple years ago. A woman named “Jodi” is accusing a man named Glenn Marcus of refusing to allow her to leave his “harem”, for lack of a better word. She isn’t arguing that she didn’t consent to the slavery originally. She is arguing that she asked to leave and he said no.

I’m on the edge of my seat. Good thing I painted my nails or they’d be whittled to the quick by my teeth. I’m both excited and nervous about this ruling.

Why is this big? Because the Supreme Court will be, in essence, trying to decide what determines consent. Where the line is drawn. And they could, if they so choose, decide on a federal level whether or not consent is even a defense.

I’ve been planning to write a piece on abuse in the M/s community for some time. It’s a difficult distinction, the line between abuse and consensual slavery, as the jury on the Glenn Marcus trial undoubtedly found out. Things that most people would balk at, masochists like me embrace. Things that most people would immediately walk away from, people who choose to be enslaved beg for.

So how do you decide? What’s the difference?

In the BDSM community, we have two acronyms that serve as guidelines for what we do. SSC reminds us our activities should be safe, sane and consensual, and RACK describes what we do as risk-aware consensual kink. Notice that the word “consensual” is in both of these acronyms.

When it comes right down to it, consent is key in determining abuse. Did you consent to being spanked? Were you coerced? Or did you decide for yourself that you’d like it?

We, in the BDSM community, have a hard time deciding what determines consent. It’s different from relationship to relationship. There are some who believe a dominant and submissive should negotiate each and every scene, to the letter, beforehand, making sure the submissive will be okay with everything the dominant does. Others, though, like M and I, prefer to wing it. I consent to the scene beforehand and what happens from that point on is his decision.

That sounds kind of scary, huh? I mean, what if he decides he wants to cut off my arm or something? And there I am, all tied up with nowhere to go, and an insane, meat-cleaver-wielding man in the room. What ever will I do?

Which is why it’s important to know your partner before committing to anything. In any relationship, not just one involving BDSM. And while M’s sadistic streak does run pretty deep, I can say with a good amount of certainty, barring some freak accident where he snaps and believes he’s Jack the Ripper, he’s not going to cut off my arm.

He might, however, mind-fuck me into believing he’s going to. Convince me so thoroughly, in fact, that when the flogger comes down on my shoulder, I will wholeheartedly believe my arm came off with it. So much so that I will bitch that he had better have carpet cleaner handy. And when he removes the blindfold, I’ll be completely and utterly shocked that I still have all my appendages.

Okay, maybe not that convinced.

Throw into the mix Stockholm Syndrome – which is a very real possibility in any stressful situation, with or without consent – and what some deem cult-ish, brainwashing techniques, and even I have to wonder how much of my interest is actually my own and how much was trained into me by the way I was raised and how I was treated by my high school sweethearts. It’s a very fine line. And it’s really not easy to pick out where it blurs.

Some would argue that BDSM is always abuse. That no woman (or man, for that matter) would ever enjoy being treated this way. That I must have endured some serious dysfunction in my past. I must have been made to believe that this is the only way I deserve to be treated. Or I got so used to it that it has become the only way I can function.

I call bullshit.

Because my earliest sexual experimentation, before I’d ever been so much as kissed, consisted of barrettes on nipples and clothespins on labia. I don’t remember ever seeing anything even remotely kinky before then. I don’t remember any specific trigger. I just remember wondering what it would feel like, trying it and enjoying it.

My earliest fantasies were dark and mean. And they didn’t develop into consensual dark and mean fantasies until I discovered the world of BDSM. Until I discovered other people like me.

Something I want to stress is: The BDSM community does not condone, encourage or facilitate abuse. They recognize that some people enjoy controlling others and others enjoy being controlled. They open their arms to people who crave being hurt and people craving to do harm. They provide a controlled setting for those wanting to be humiliated and those wanting to humiliate. But the key in all those things is consent.

In all my wanderings around the web in search of information on BDSM and master/slave relationships and what it means to be enslaved, I came across scores and scores of information on how to identify abuse in a BDSM relationship, when to get involved and how to approach an abuser or someone being abused. And while it’s not all concrete, it is a good jumping off point.

For example, the National Leather Association’s abuse pamphlet labels not making financial plans for the submissive should the relationship not pan out abuse. But, really, do vanilla partners even do this anymore? Can anyone really afford to do this anymore? I know M and I can’t afford to keep some bank account somewhere with a couple grand to get me started should I decide to leave. And that feels, to me, like planning for the end. How can a relationship go forward when you’re already planning its demise?

My first question, usually, when people approach me worried their friends are being abused, is: Have they changed? And if so, how? But you have to be careful even with that because withdrawing from friends isn’t always a sign that someone’s being abused. Sometimes, it’s a sign that the relationship is going really well and they’re spending all their time together.

And approaching someone you think is being abused is tricky. I mean, they’re not exactly going to jump for joy whether they are or aren’t.

Ambrosio’s BDSM Site says:

1. Don’t be negative about either partner. Don’t say the person *or* their behavior is bad. You might think it is so, but attacking in that way is no way to get someone listening to you.
2. Get them talking about how they feel. The first thing someone who is truly being abused (or is abusing) has to do is realize it is going on.
3. Offer them help, no strings attached. Start with just a “if you want to talk it over, get your head straight about the things I’ve been saying, then you can talk to me *any* time. I will help you get it sorted.” Be very clear that you are not judging, not interfering, just offering an ear and help in sorting feelings. If you want to offer other help, then go for it, but probably best to wait and see how they go. Don’t overwhelm them, it’s a difficult time.
4. Try and understand their state of mind. It can be hard to do, but you need to stand in their shoes, think with their emotions in order to communicate with them. A Dom whose sub is emotionally abusing them may not be able to deal wth the idea they are not in control for example.

Consent. It all comes down to consent. Did you consent to what’s going on? And even if you did, don’t be afraid to speak up if you decide you don’t like it. We aren’t always sure until we’ve tried. And life happens.

So what about you? How do you determine whether or not someone’s being abused? Do you have any tips on approaching someone with the offer of aid? Any organizations they can get in touch with? Let us know!