BDSM is a very liquid thing. There is no right way, or wrong way to go about things. Doing what feels right is the basis of each BDSM relationship; views on what’s allowed or “real” vary greatly. Some follow definitions, labels, and roles very closely, and believe that’s the only true way to go about things. While others allow things to evolve and change, as it will, not worrying about where they fit in with everybody else’s definitions of the lifestyle.

My owner and I tend to fall into that last category. While he is always in control, always the one leading us, we very much let things flow. We don’t worry about where we fit within the kink community. When pushed for a definition or label for ourselves, we can provide them, but they are never very accurate. He is my dominant, my owner, and I am submissive to him. Which on the surface looks very neat and tidy, however, digging a little deeper into it, most people find that the labels never really fit comfortably, yet some do, and thrive on them. I am his submissive, I listen to him, and he has final say on a lot of aspects of not only our life together, but my life away from him as well. With that said, I also have some slave like qualities and tendencies. At the same time I still get input in some decisions. I can tell him my opinion, and more often than not he takes it into consideration, and it may change what he wants slightly to accommodate things better, whether they pertain to us or are centered on me. There are times, however, where he disregards my opinion and makes the decision on his own. To a lot of people who follow the labels rigidly, this means we aren’t really a true power exchange couple because I get an opinion or have a bit of influence, and we’re okay with that. We’ve found a dynamic that works well for us. We both know that he is the one with final say. I can talk until I’m blue in the face about something, but if he doesn’t want to do it that way it isn’t going to happen. He makes decisions I don’t always like, but I still follow his lead on them. To me, that’s what this lifestyle is about; following my owners lead and meeting his expectation, not following or meeting expectations of others.

I’ve been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for a few years now. In this time I have had two official owners. I have discovered that one owner is not equal to another. I’ve realized that I am not cut out for a regular vanilla life, but at the same time, just any owner/dominant doesn’t work either. Finding the right fit is essential. I’ve learned quite a few things merely by stumbling into them, usually mouth first, seeing as how it tends to get away from me. Many times my sense of humor or attitude has gotten in the way. This seems to be fairly common among the submissives I know. Maybe it’s universal, or maybe I just have a group of smart-ass friends. Who knows! I am lucky in the sense that my owner enjoys my smart-ass side, and even encourages it on occasion.

This for me is a large plus, because I’m prone to speaking before I think. In the past I have gotten in trouble for quite a few things that my current owner wouldn’t punish me for. During a spanking, I once called out “use your words!” which I found absolutely hilarious. The man spanking me did not agree. I also uttered the words “I dare you.” Once. While technically I wasn’t punished for it, the thing I was threatened with was definitely followed through on, and probably wouldn’t have been if I had kept my mouth shut. Just for the record, “It was just a lucky shot” and “Bet you couldn’t do that again” also fall into the previously mentioned category. As does “That won’t fit!” because believe me, it will.

My current (and as far as I’m concerned my last/permanent) owner understands that side of me much better. He laughs at my comments and ditzy moments. Needless to say, he laughs a lot. There are times, however, that I get a little odd even for him, which usually results in a raised eyebrow as a response. Which, by the way, rises further when you threaten to wax it off so he can’t respond that way. I’ve known this man for about four years. That’s a decent amount of time to get to know somebody. It also means that we’ve had arguments and disagreements in that time. Most of which he has pulled the owner/master card on me. Generally followed by one of two things. A protest of “Who made you boss?” on my part. Which, lets face it, is never valid. I made him boss. Or, me threatening to punish him, which is either met by laughter or an invitation to do it, knowing full well I’ll chicken out. On the heels of that, of course, is offering stickers for your dominant’s good behavior. It’s not appropriate or how things work. So I’m told.

If I had stayed with my previous owner, or in the forever failing vanilla relationships I endured, I know I would not be as happy as I am today. I’ve found somebody that lets me be myself, no matter how neurotic, weird, sarcastic or submissive I really am. This lifestyle has opened up a whole new, more comfortable, and right for me, way to live my life. Some people find living under somebody else’s thumb to be limiting, and uncomfortable. I’ve never been so comfortable, safe, and at home in my life. Not being afraid to dig deeper and try new things, to have fun with them even at odd, or (as some would view) inappropriate times (like mid spanking) has made me a much happier and a more fully rounded person. Even if that person is viewed as odd or unconventional, I’m thankful for it.