Vally | Eden Cafe

Dating in the Electronic Age

All of us have seen the commercials for online dating sites; our Facebook Walls are littered with ads for these sites, especially if you are single. We all know someone who knows someone that met their mate online, and has the most wonderful relationship in the history of time. But what is it really about? Do you really have to pay a company to match your personality traits, desires, dreams and location, in order to find the perfect mate? Does it really take 29 dimensions of personality to find someone with whom you are compatible?

The funny thing is that I really do know people who met their mates online. I know people that have been married for years that met this way. My very own twin sister met her now ex-husband on a bulletin board back in the early days, in the 80’s, when PCs were slow and online communities were hosted on some geek’s computer in his parents basement. She married the geek with the computer in the basement.

I have worked online since the 1990’s, and many of the people I know who met their partners online, met through their work. I always thought it was a bit of a mystery how this happened, since I never met a long term romantic interest online through work. It turns out there was no real mystery; I tend to take work seriously, and just really was not looking for romance there.

This is not to say that I have not had online romances. I have had a few, but until recently, none of them were serious. In the past if I found someone that was highly skilled at cyber sex, I tried to keep them around, at least for a little while. If you have ever had cyber sex with someone that is really lousy at it, you can appreciate why you would want to hang on to a partner that had skills. Bad cybersex is like watching a train wreck combined with one of those televised fishing shows, horrifying and boring all at the same time.

While an extraordinary cyber sex partner is something to be cherished and hoarded, these relationships… at least for me… did not usually go much farther than that. It always comes down to having the time to meet, and the interest and desire to make the time. It may sound horrible, but no matter how good the partner is, eventually you run out of new and exciting scenarios with them. There were a few that had potential to grow into something more, but then something in my life would change; a new job, moving to a new house, and other things that would consume so much of my time and attention, that I no longer had the time to dedicate to “playing” online.

Additionally, if you have read my other articles, you may know that I have been celibate for a very long time. Sometimes it would just get too hard to continue on. When you want so badly to be physical with someone, and time, distance and finances are keeping you apart, sometimes it is easier to just walk away. That was the conclusion I came to about five years ago. That it was too hard. So I bowed out of the cyber sex arena, gave up on finding a partner, on or offline, and just focused on work and other things.

Of course as soon as you make a decision of this nature, and find your feet again, something happens to bowl you over and take your breath away. This last summer, I met a man on Facebook, a friend of a friend. We ran into each other on the mutual friend’s wall quite often; debating everything from politics to quantum physics, and I loved the way this man thought. I started to watch for him. I almost felt like a stalker, waiting for him to comment on some random posting from the mutual friend. He is quite a bit older than I am, and I was intimidated by that. I was afraid that he would not want to waste his time talking to me. Eventually I got around to sending a friend request though, and he accepted it.

About the same time, my hormones were raging. I was horny all the time! I was burning through batteries at a phenomenal rate. Honestly, I should have bought some stock in Energizer; I could have made back some of the money I was spending on their products. One day, after three orgasms and still no satiety, I posted my libido predicament to my wall. Of course it got a lot of attention, but most of my male friends did not chime in; except for the new one that happily offered up his services!

I immediately took the conversation private, and started to learn more about this intriguing man. I was hooked. We were not having cyber sex, just conversations, but they were fantastic conversations. We had the same interests, complimentary senses of humor, and the two of us could talk all night long about so many subjects that it was mind blowing. I was still intimidated about his age, about telling him how badly I wanted to fuck him. I started hinting, flirting, trying to get him to talk dirty to me. Finally one day I just had to come out and say it, come out and tell him how badly I wanted to feel his weight on top of me, his cock inside me.

It was awkward at first. He had no experience with cyber sex, no experience expressing his desires in words, but he learned quickly.

Meeting online has given us the opportunity to truly get to know one another. I have believed this to be true of online friendships for a very long time. I have some friends that I have met online who I am closer to, and know more about, than friends I have known for thirty years. So, while it can be frustrating not being able to reach out and touch him, kiss him, or screw him any time I want; in a way we are closer after six months of online dating than we would be if he were in my bed beside me every night.

Of course both people have to be open and honest. There are so many ways to lie to someone over the internet. I see it all of the time. I have heard stories of people using photos that they have found online; of telling people they meet online they are wealthy, or hung like an ox, when it simply is not true. There is a lot of potential for becoming a victim, and for creating victims. So you really have to be careful out there, if you are looking for something real. If you are looking for hot cyber sex, it does not really matter if the other person tells you they are Brad Pitt. It is only when you want something serious that you need to be concerned with honesty.

If however, people can get past their fears, get past being afraid to be themselves and really open up to another person online, the potential is extraordinary for building lasting relationships and friendships. Being afraid that the other person will think you are too fat, too thin, too blond, too short, too poor, can get in the way of honesty. Honesty is essential for lasting relationships though. If you have an online romance, eventually you will want to meet the other person, and all of those things you might have been hiding will no longer be possible to hide. Seriously, your partner will notice that you do not actually have that 10 inch cock you told her you have, or the DD cup size, or the Lamborghini. If you think someone you meet online has potential to be a true relationship, you have to be honest. No one is going to believe you wrecked the Lamborghini, had cock reduction surgery, and lost your mansion to termite infestation, all at once.

I also believe that to have a lasting relationship, you need to be friends with your mate and actually like them. You have to enjoy spending time with them outside of the bedroom, because to be honest, even someone with a ramped up libido cannot spend more than a couple hours a day having sex, at least not on a permanent basis. It is great to dream about non-stop sex, but we all know eventually you have to put your panties back on. Once your clothes are on, you have to be able to enjoy the other person’s company.

So, while my partner and I have not been matched by 29 dimensions of personality, and did not pay for a subscription to an online dating service that never would have matched us because of the distance in our locations; we each found something neither of us was looking for, but we now both lust after.

I stopped telling people several years ago how long it had been since I had sex. At five years most people’s reaction was one of utter shock and dismay. I cannot tell you how many times people have actually told me that I had lost my mind. That there was no way they could go that long without sex. At first I assured them that anyone could do it if they had to, but then people began pointing out that I did not have to do it.
It is true, I probably could have gone to a bar and picked up whatever was offered up, had sex and moved on. It is not like I had not had one night stands before. I probably could have found a fuck buddy, I had them in the past as well, friends with benefits, but none of that appealed to me.
It was probably at about eight years that I stopped talking about it very much. I was tired of people feeling sorry for me; I did not feel sorry for myself and did not feel the need to be at the top of their “Most Pathetic Friends” list.
So it has been ten years and I am hopeful that it is about to come to a glorious end. I believe I have found the partner I have been looking for, but we have not consummated the relationship yet. He is an eleven hour drive away, which I would gladly jump in my car and make at this time, but other responsibilities are keeping the two of us apart.
I was recently asked by a friend, who seriously wanted to know, “How do you do it? How do you go without sex?” As if I had some kind of magical formula or transcendental guide to rising above natural instincts. My friend knows I am a very sexual person, I love sex, I love men and I love giving and receiving pleasure. Her question made me think and search within for an answer. I finally realized that thought was the key. I just did not think about it, I found other things to think about and if I could not manage to stop thinking about sex, self gratification and sex toys helped to ease the physical desires.
I would never encourage anyone to take the path I have taken. It was never a conscious choice for me. I did not sit down one day and write up a manifesto against having a man in my bed or a cock in my pussy. It just happened. I left a bad relationship with a man who had sex phobias (germs) and moved to another state. I had a physical injury in my back, associated with an accident, which for the first few years made the thought of sex less than appealing. I knew I would be in pain. Once the pain was under control I had a short encounter with a friend, but ended it because he wanted more than I was willing to give him. So I focused on my career, took up a bunch of hobbies and took my days one at a time. I never occurred to me that ten years later I would still be celibate. I guess time flies whether you are having fun or not!
The honest truth was that I knew I wanted a partner, not a fling, and I wanted it to be special. At first I had all of the romantic notions of soul mates but about five years ago I began to believe they didn’t exist. I pretty much figured at that point that I would be alone the rest of my life and become the crazy cat lady whose house buzzed regularly from the use of sex toys. I will admit I am very picky, I had had my share of bad relationships and mediocre ones, but never a truly phenomenal one. I knew there were things I considered deal breakers and I started watching for those things when I met men. It turned out that I had a lot of deal breakers; they were not superficial things like what kind of car he drove or how he looked in jeans. They were things like how he spoke to people, his beliefs and passions and whether or not he wanted a partner or a mommy or a maid. I could have folded and accepted being treated badly or having children when I knew I did not want them, but I would not have been happy and I knew it. At least being celibate and alone the only person who could influence my happiness was me. So I knew what I wanted and figured it didn’t exist.
I suppose the route I took on this journey was a little skewed. Most people who are looking for a partner keep on dating until they find the person they are looking for. I stopped looking. I stopped looking at men in a sexual way, I did not check out asses at the supermarket or packages at the gas station, I did not go to bars, I started working from home so did not even have office interaction with men. I essentially became a hermit and used to joke around about finding my soul mate in the UPS man because he was the only male I saw regularly.
Regardless, there is no magic pill for maintaining sanity through celibacy. In fact I may be a little insane. The best advice I can give is to find yourself a really good toy and do not give up on meeting someone special. Try to be compassionate with your friend if they are going through this and don’t be hard on yourself if you are going through it. Do not try to bury your sexual desires, it is too hard, just find a way to release the sexual tension and go with it. Also, from experience I can tell you that other people telling me what I “needed to do was…” is not something that helps the situation. Unless your friend asks you for advice, be sensitive and try to understand that they may not want to find a physical relationship, perhaps they just need to talk to someone about the things they are going through and do not really need a resolution to the problem. I rarely felt it was a “problem” and was not ready to re-enter the world of dating.
Again, I would never encourage anyone in a life of celibacy; it is not for everyone and can become very lonely if you let it. You can learn a lot from being alone, a lot about yourself and your wants, desires and needs. You can even learn a lot about your own body and the things you like, the things that give you pleasure and the things that turn you off. Sex is a beautiful part of existence whether through masturbation or a partner; it is a wonderful force of life that should be explored, not ignored.
At this point in life, I have found that I want to share my physical desires, fantasies and pleasures with someone else. I want to share myself with a partner and at last I think I have finally found the one I never dreamed truly existed. After ten years of celibacy it is finally time to let someone in.

AIDS and HIV did not become big news until I was about 17 years old. I had already been having sex for several years when stories began to fill the news paper headlines and posters appeared on the walls of clinic offices around the country. I clearly remember how scared I and many of my friends were over this epidemic that could take your life after one night of fun.

Up until this point, safe sex meant avoiding The Clap, herpes and pregnancy. Yes there were more horrific STDs out there like Syphilis, but those were not talked about much. In fact there was not much talk at all about STDs except for your doctor reminding you to use condoms and handing you a sack full of them. Most of those were used as slippery water balloons, I was on The Pill, I did not need condoms… or so I thought.

I remember people being panicked about the possibility of becoming infected with AIDs by using a dirty fork, kissing another person, getting bitten by a mosquito or flea that had bitten an HIV positive person and so many other ridiculous scenarios. I also remember the level of hate toward homosexuals increasing among friends and acquaintances. Hate that I never understood, I had homosexual friends and they were good people, not the evil perverts everyone was making them out to be. In fact many of them were better people ethically than many of the heterosexuals who were aiming their weapons of hate against people who never did anything worse than be attracted to someone of the same sex.

I was terrified to have an HIV test, terrified they would find I had HIV. I was 25 years old before I had one. Since then I have had one after every sexual partner. At this point I would rather know and be responsible about it than not know and possibly spread it to someone else. I also took more precautions, using condoms during sex and having sex a lot less regularly.

Today, I have HIV positive friends. I watch them suffer with the disease and the side effects from the early medications like AZT. I see the way they are treated by hateful people, not only because they are gay but because they have HIV. One even had his medical records released to the community by someone that worked at the hospital because she felt it was her obligation to let the community know who in town was infected with HIV.

I watched two children grow up without their father because he was infected early on with HIV and passed away. He was heterosexual and died in 1998 his sons were 8 years old and 14 years old and his loss impacted their lives tremendously. The way that he died, wasting away before their eyes for years also impacted them as children.

This week I learned of a new drug that has been developed which may lower the risk of contracting HIV. Truvada was tested on healthy gay men and showed that if taken faithfully they were 90% protected against contracting HIV. This medication could truly be a miracle, but at the cost of $1000.00 a month I doubt it will help end the epidemic. While I can understand research and marketing costs behind medications I truly cannot understand, that if this drug can truly prevent HIV and AIDS infections, why it is beyond the means of so many who could benefit from it.

We could be entering a new era where the fear of HIV infection no longer plays a role in our lives, that is, of course if you are one of the few who can afford the preventative medicines. It is truly reprehensible that this drug is so expensive. It could save millions in medical expenses and millions of lives, but will not be given the chance because of the cost.