The mood killer, you know the one, the one you were getting busy with until he did something stupid to kill the mood and ruin your chances of having a pleasure filled night!

There are certain signs that give away a mood killer. In fact, most mood killer’s are pretty damn obvious to most people excluding me. You see, I’m one of those people who brushes off the signs out of desperation, usually when I’m ovulating and extremely horny. If I want something I’m not going to let their douchiness stand in my way. That is until, of course, they kill the mood!

The Pot Smoking Guy

It had been a long time coming, weeks of sexual tension, nights of sexy dancing and almost hookup’s. I was about ready to explode! If I had to spend one more with this guys hands all over my body while we danced, but not actually getting any, then my vagina might cease to function in protest.

This night should have been my night. I had sexy underwear on. The room was dimly lit. We had been playfully messing around on the couch. Nothing should have made it end the way it did. That is, until he wanted to get high!

Soon enough, the room was full of that musty haze of Mary Jane. If it hadn’t been a haze of pot smoke it could have almost been the mystical, romantic smoke of scented candles. But it wasn’t.

He finished his joint, that was all I needed, I was no longer willing to wait. I turned on my inner seductress and worked my moves. Finally I was getting somewhere. Then out of nowhere…

“I’m hungry”

“Are you serious” I said “Can’t it wait!?”

Apparently it couldn’t, and when he said hungry he meant really hungry, and certainly not hungry for the same thing I was hungry for. Needless to say, I didn’t get anything else that night except a bad night’s sleep thanks to the sound of the refrigerator door constantly opening and closing!

The Really Drunk Guy

It should have been predictable. Any late night where he consumes copious amounts of alcohol is always going to end badly. But when you’ve spent all night dancing closely, getting sweaty, his hand softly caressing and creepy up your thigh and just getting downright dirty in an even scummier dirty club, it’s time to leave and take your getting busy business elsewhere.

In hindsight, I should have read the signs of how not sexy the night would turn out. The cross-eyes and stumbling should have been a dead giveaway. The slurring of words should have been a giveaway. The running in front of a moving taxi and then giggling it off as if he had just seen a unicorn should have been a giveaway. The supporting him all the way up the six flights of stairs should have been enough of an alarm bell warning me that this was not going to turn out well! But did I heed the warnings? Of course not!

I got him into bed and after a few glasses of water he seemed to have sobered up. At least enough to know how to please a girl with his hands. That is until he suddenly stopped.

“Why are you stopping, keep going!” I said.

I looked up, his face was pale. He bent over the side of the bed and projectile vomited all over the floor. It reeked! His vomit was everywhere, on my sheets, on my floor, splashed up on my wardrobe door. Thank goodness I had had the sense the shut my wardrobe door otherwise his vomit would have soiled my precious shoes!

Needless to say, I spent the night force-feeding him water and cleaning up his disgusting mess after all three violent vomit sessions. And what did he have to say the next morning after getting over the shock of figuring out where he was…Let’s go get McDonalds breakfast!

The In and Out Guy

He had me at “Can I see how much more beautiful you are without the mask?” I was at a masquerade party looking fabulous, but with lingering baggage. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I wanted to be sitting on a couch watching a movie with the guy I liked but who didn’t like me. But there I was on the prowl, hoping to find my distraction. And so I thought I did.

He was tall, handsome, blonde and European, and there he was lingering silently behind me. If he hadn’t been so handsome I would have just called him downright creepy.

Once he had figured out the most witty mask related pick up line he finally made his move. I was pretty desperate by this stage, so when he wanted to make out within five minutes of meeting I was all for it. I should have seen where this was going…

A few hours later and we were back at my place. By that time, I had decided that I didn’t really like him but hey, I’d gotten this far I may as well get something right?

The moment we stepped into my room the mood was killed. In his mind apparently making out in the club (and he wasn’t even a good kisser) was all the foreplay I was going to get. Now that we were back at my place it was down to business, all he was going to do was whip out his penis and try to shove it in.

I tried to guide his hands, but he had absolutely no interest in pleasing me. He was in a hurry to get his dick in something! This did not sit well with me, if that’s all he wanted there had been plenty of cheap hookers hanging around that night, and I certainly was not one of them!

Well if that’s what he wanted then that’s what he could go and get, because he certainly was not getting that from me if he wasn’t willing to put in any work. I kicked him out.