In BDSM and kink communities, we talk consent all the time. It’s a vital part of negotiation and respect; consent is the lynchpin which defines sex as a participant’s choice and not an act of abuse.

So why doesn’t everyone talk about consent, even when they’re not playing with dominance or paddles?

I wish I had an answer. Personally, I think consent should be part of every aspect of dating, relationships, and sex. The ultimate respect for your partner is giving her the choice, in every situation, to say “yes,”“no,” or “let’s come up with a middle ground on that where we are both comfortable.”

But consent is not just about the response. It’s also about asking. Everyone has boundaries. Everyone has desires. How do you know someone else’s needs if you aren’t asking? How does she know if you aren’t sharing your thoughts and desires? Great communication can lead to great sex.

Most women I meet and many I’ve slept with have little experience in talking with their partners before or during sex without making it awkward and uncomfortable. Here are some ideas on how to have those conversations…

Situation One: Do Ask, Do Tell
(two women in bed for the first time)

Callie: “I’ve had my eye on you for quite awhile.”

Maria: “Kiss me.”

Callie: (whispers in her ear) “I’d really like to take this shirt off of you.”

Maria lifts up her arms so Callie can do so, which is a clear indication she wants this to happen. She kisses Callie after she takes her shirt off.

Callie: “Would you like me to take my clothes off?”

Maria: “Yes.” She slides off Callie’s shirt, as Callie unbuttons her pants.

Callie: (runs her fingers across Maria’s skin, kissing her, caressing her) “Tell me, is there anything you like? How can I please you?”

Maria looks uncomfortable and confused at this question.

Callie: (deciding to rephrase the question to make her more comfortable) “Is there anything you don’t like? For example, I don’t really like receiving anal sex. It’s just not my thing.”

Maria: “Yeah. I’m not a huge fan of someone going down on me the first time we have sex.”

Callie: “Ok.” (They continue to kiss and touch each other) “I really like it when someone plays with my clit, especially with their fingers. Is there anything you like?”

Maria: “I’d love to ride your strap-on.”

Callie: (lies down in the bed) “I like the way you think. We can definitely make that happen.”

Having sex for the first time with someone is tricky. What does she like? What gets her off? What does that sound mean? It’s possible to have an awful time if you jump right in, assuming you know what she wants. Every woman I’ve slept with has had individual quirks, specific likes and dislikes. You never know someone’s history – what if penetration triggers a memory of a sexual assault? What if direct pressure to her clit is the best sensation for her? – so I find it’s absolutely vital to talk about it. You don’t need to to conduct a formal sit-down conversation. Instead, make it fun. Asking for what you want can be sexy – and so can learning someone else’s fantasies. For many women, this kind of communication isn’t common, so you may have to rephrase the question or give some suggestions. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want – you’ll never get it if you don’t ask. Plus, talking dirty is hot.

Situation Two: Uncharted

Let’s say Situation One doesn’t go as planned. What if Maria is too scared or unsure to ask for what she wants? Or what if Maria is inexperienced and doesn’t know what she likes yet?

Callie: (deciding to rephrase the question to make her more comfortable) “Is there anything you don’t like? For example, I don’t really like receiving anal sex. It’s just not my thing.”

Maria: I… I don’t know.

Callie: “Can you think of anything that you like?”

Maria: (looks embarrassed and uncomfortable) “I… I just don’t know…”

Callie: “It’s ok. You don’t have to have an answer. Is it ok for me to touch you?”

Maria: “Yes.”

Callie: “If I do anything that makes you uncomfortable, you can always tell me to stop or to do something differently. Don’t be afraid to tell me.”

Maria: (relaxes) “Ok.”

In this case, Maria sounds really uncomfortable. Pushing her into talking isn’t going to work. But Callie works around this by first asking if Maria wants to be touched, then making it clear that Maria can stop her or direct her at any moment. Callie’s actions empower Maria to make choices about her boundaries and desires. She leaves space for Maria to change her mind at any minute.

I would recommend to Callie to take it slow and easy with Maria, since she sounds unsure. Kiss her, touch her in nonsexual areas like her hands, arms, stomach, and neck to help her relax before easing her into any sort of sexual play. Callie should pay attention to her body’s cues – are her muscle stiff, or does she melt into Callie’s hands? Does she lean toward Callie or away? Callie has received Maria’s verbal consent, which is the most important step. Now, if Maria isn’t comfortable talking, Callie can use other cues to determine what Maria likes.

Situation Three: New Territory
(two women in bed who have slept together for a couple weeks, mid-sexiness)

Jordan: “I was masturbating yesterday, and I thought about you.” She hides her head sheepishly as she says this. She obvious wants to share, but she’s not sure how Neesa will respond.

Neesa: “Really? I’m intrigued.” Jordan perks up a bit at this encouragement.

Jordan: “It was hot.”

Neesa: “Will you tell me what you fantasized about?”

Jordan: “I’m kind of embarrassed… are you sure?”

Neesa: “I think it’s a turn on that you think about me when you masturbate.”

Jordan: “Ok… well, I have this amazing glass dildo. And I thought about how great it would feel to slide it inside of you and lick your clit while it’s inside of you.”

Neesa: “Hm… I’ve never tried glass before.”

Jordan: “Are you interested in trying it?”

Neesa: “Yeah. I want some lube, and you’d have to go slow. But I’m up for trying something new.”

Jordan: “That sounds amazing. I like how adventurous you are.”

In this situation, Jordan is using a fantasy to describe something she wants. She’s presenting a possibility to her partner, and finally, she asks, “Are you interested in trying it?” This gives Neesa the opportunity to say, “No, that’s not really my thing,” or even, “Yes, I’ll try it on you, but not on me.” It’s an open question, which leaves any response acceptable. Neesa’s response indicates she’s interested, but cautious, which gives Jordan some clues on how to proceed. Asking for something new with an experienced partner may feel weird, but it doesn’t have to be. This kind of communication can lead to you and your partner trying all sorts of fun, new things.

If you have questions about negotiating consent or you’re interested in learning about consent when applied to BDSM or d/s, send me an email at fleurderenaissance@gmail.com. You can also check out my blog on sex, love, and life in the Crescent City at fleurderenaissance.blogspot.com.

“You use gloves? But why?”
I hear that question often.

I use gloves and condoms and dental dams because I work in STD and HIV prevention. I read and write research studies, I conduct HIV testing and counseling, and I often help friends who need to know where to go for STD testing and treatment. It’s the reality of sex. STDs exist. HIV exists. When I’m not monogamous with a partner, I use gloves for penetration. I like to share, but I always use condoms when I share my sex toys. (It also makes it so much easier to lube up and clean later!) But you don’t have to work in STD and HIV prevention to use gloves! Every woman needs to protect herself.

“Aren’t lesbians and queer women low-risk?”
They are “lower” risk. HIV can spread through fluid-to-fluid contact – blood, semen, vaginal secretion, and breastmilk. Most STDs spread the same way. Any sex between any two people involving any fluid is risky. Studies have shown that lesbian and bisexual women can and do transmit STDs. Lesbian and bisexual women who have any sexual contact with a man during their lives have a higher risk for STD and HIV transmission. Many of us have slept with men in the past, do so currently, or will at some point in the future – no matter our identity. Sexuality is messy and fluid for many people. (Thanks, Shane, for introducing that into popular culture.) Don’t assume someone’s past. Ask questions. Protect yourself.

“How often do you get tested? Should I get tested?”
Personally, once a year. I get the whole rundown. But I’ve been in monogamous relationships most of my adult life; for example, if I haven’t had a new partner since I was last tested, it’s probably pointless to get tested again. I make a yearly habit (combined with my Pap smear) just to be safe.

Of course you should get tested! How else would you know? Don’t be a smartass and say, “I’m psychic.” If you’re having unsafe sex often or sleeping with multiple partners, it’s best to get tested every three or six months. It can take up to three months for HIV antibodies to show up if you’re infected, and other STDs can lay dormant or not show up for a few weeks to a few months. Many places offer these services low-cost or no-cost, including Planned Parenthood, state-run clinics, and other non-profit health clinics. Private insurance often covers part or all of the cost.

“How do I talk to my partner about all this? What if she’s an asshole and doesn’t want to use protection?”
The same way you talk about everything else. “I just want you to know that I use gloves. I’ve been tested on this date and these were the results. Have you? Ok. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?” Make a joke afterward. Sex isn’t about being perfect or gorgeous or having the best moan. It’s about having a great time. It’s awkward and funny. Everyone isn’t suave, and everyone doesn’t get off the first time. You don’t have to have the answer for everything. But don’t be afraid to start the conversation. It’s your body and your health, so only you can protect yourself. (Also: Only you can prevent forest fires. Oh wait, wrong article. Damn it.)

I don’t fuck assholes. Sorry. Why would I want to have sex with someone who doesn’t care the least about her body and her health, much less mine? Nope. I’m good.

You have to set your own boundaries and limits. What do you want in a partner? What do you want in bed? How much does your health matter to you? You have to define those things for yourself, and then tell anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries to find someone else to fuck.

“Why are Pap smears important?”
Pap smears show HPV, which can be transmitted sexually (and possibly through skin-to-skin contact, though scientists aren’t sure yet). HPV can turn out all kinds of not-so-fun stuff, like warts and cancer. Even if you’ve had the HPV vaccine (yay!), it only covers some of the strains of HPV. Lesbians and bisexual women are notorious for not getting gyno care – it can be due to money, fear of discrimination, lack of knowledge of their risk and need, etc. Just do it! Get a recommendation for a good doctor from a friend, especially if she is already out to her doctor. The Gay and Lesbian Medical Association (www.glma.org) and many LGBT Centers have lists for LGBT-friendly healthcare providers, if you need help finding one. Don’t feel bad about screening someone out on the phone – ask the receptionist if the gyno has lesbian clients. If the receptionist acts weird, call another doctor.

“So with all the scary stuff, you still have sex?”
Are you kidding? Of course I do. I write a sex blog. I have to get ideas from somewhere! But seriously. Sex is so much fun. STDs aren’t so much fun. I can totally have my cake and eat it too, at least, in this situation.

Check out www.Scarleteen.com or www.askalice.com for more information on STDs, HIV, and testing. If you have questions about STDs or need more information, email me at fleurderenaissance@gmail.com. Check out my writings and rantings on sex, life, and love in the Crescent City at fleurderenaissance.blogspot.com.