Some women are born naturally dominant. Some learn to be dominant. In my case, it was a little from column A and a lot from column B. The skills I am going to discuss in this article apply to BD/SM Tops and Dominants of all genders, but these tips are geared towards “lifestyle” female Dominants (women who are dominant for their own pleasure, in a non-professional setting), or women who are curious about dominating their partner(s) but don’t know how to get started. I’ve observed that lifestyle female Dominants seem to be a minority in BD/SM communities (largely for reasons I discussed in my previous article, “Coming Into Power, Sort Of.”) American women are generally discouraged from taking dominant roles in our society (think of the negative stereotypes of the “nagging wife” or “bitchy boss”), so domination can feel sometimes feel unnatural or intimidating, even if the desire is there. I’m a BD/SM switch, and I’ve always found bottoming to be a lot easier than topping, as bottoming feels very natural and pleasurable for me. In the past few years I’ve developed a strong desire to become a good top as well, and I’ve learned many lessons by trial and error. It’s been a sometimes frustrating but also extremely rewarding process. These are some of factors I discovered to be fundamental to success. I call them the “Four Cs:”

1. Confidence: I’ve gained a lot more confidence as I’ve gotten older. Once upon a time, the idea of handling a classroom full of rowdy children, teaching educational workshops to adults, and appearing poised and eloquent during a television interview would have made me break out in a cold sweat. But now that I’ve done all of these things (and succeeded!), I have the sort of confidence that can only come from accepting challenges, taking risks, and believing in yourself. Running a scene as a Dominant (especially in a public setting like a dungeon or play party) takes a lot of confidence in order to overcome performance anxiety, assume a role of power, and have your play go smoothly.

Confidence is also necessary to master the sometimes dangerous tools and toys we use during play. Pro-Dommes usually receive training and are mentored by other Dommes if they work within a dungeon setting. Non-pro lifestyle Dommes may not have this sort of mentor readily available in their life (though it doesn’t hurt to seek one out!) You can learn skills from workshops, classes, attending conferences, reading books, and being mentored by experienced people in your local BD/SM community (if you have one). You can practice skills like flogging or caning on a pillow, or if you’re lucky, find a friend who will let you “practice” on them in a low-pressure way. Better yet, try your toys on yourself, so you know what they feel like before using them on someone else. The first time I used a flogger on someone, I was terrified. It was a high pressure situation (I was being coached by a famous female Dominant). I had performance anxiety, and I was scared of accidentally hurting my bottom due to my lack of experience. My solution was to buy a very soft and lightweight rabbit skin flogger that is almost impossible to cause injury, and use that to perfect my swing until I had the technique down. (It makes a satisfyingly loud noise in spite of being so gentle, and is great for using during sensual play, as well.) Once you’re confident in your skills, you’ll be surprised by how comfortable you will feel in a dominant role!

2. Communication: Negotiation, setting boundaries and limits, safe words, and checking in during and after a scene are all crucial when you start playing with someone new. Unfortunately, communication can sometimes feel inconvenient or challenging “in the heat of the moment.” Think of it as verbal safer sex! Any bottom who tells you they have “no limits” is not being honest with you, and things can go very wrong if your bottom won’t communicate that you’ve crossed the line. Until you’ve established a strong relationship with someone and have a clear idea what their limits and desires are, you are going to need some extra communication. This includes negotiating ahead of time: Do they have any injuries or health problems? Have they eaten and are well hydrated? What are both parties seeking to gain from this scene? Does this scene have a sexual element, or is it purely BD/SM? It’s important to discuss these things in advance, but it’s inevitable that there’s something you’ll forget to ask. Although some people dislike “checking in” during play because it disturbs the energy of the scene, but sometimes it’s better to ask if you’re unsure about something.

3. Creativity: A big aspect of learning dominance is to try different things, discover what you like, find out what your partner likes, and use this knowledge to develop a satisfying scene. This may require rethinking your preconceived notions of female dominance. A male Dominant friend admitted that he had not performed cunnilingus in over a year (even though he enjoys it) because it’s “not a dominant act.” I disagree. It’s all in how it’s presented. For example, what if you enjoy receiving penetration (a traditionally “submissive” act) but want to maintain your Dominant role? You could always invest in a face harness for your sub, or having your sub penetrate you with a strap on as a form of orgasm denial. It’s all about thinking outside the box (or inside the box, as it may be!)

Creativity also means applying ingenuity with the tools you use, and the scenarios you devise. It’s wonderful to own a collection of expensive whips, floggers and crops, but there are so many household objects that are inexpensive and work very well for play, such as saran wrap (for mummification), nylon rope, clothespins, wooden spoons, ice, even toothpicks (for poking a blindfolded victim!) Why not visit a dollar store, hardware store, etc. and see how many “pervertables” you can find? One of my favorite toys is a cardboard tube I got for free- it’s great for beating people!

4. Connection: BD/SM can be like a complex dance with a leader and follower. When you are in tune with your partner, a scene will flow effortlessly and naturally, and can become a hypnotic altered state for top and bottom alike. But sometimes we can get out of sync with our partners. Maybe one of you is having a bad day, struggling with difficult emotions, or simply just not in the mood. This is when communication and trust is extra important so that all parties feel comfortable expressing how they feel at a given moment. Taking time to get grounded with each other before and after a scene (aftercare) can help you get in tune with your partner’s headspace.

Of course, these skill sets aren’t the only elements of successful female dominance, but they’re a good place to start. If you have any other suggestions, I encourage you to leave them in the comments!

I recently had a discussion with my mother where she explained that one of the reasons that she is close with her older sister is because she didn’t get a lot of personal attention from her mother as a child. She grew up in a household with four kids, and mom worked, so she looked to her sister for company instead.

This story struck a chord with me. I’ve been single for over a year now, and I spend a fair amount of time mulling over the pros and cons of polyamory vs. monogamy. Polyamory is the idea that you can be in emotionally committed relationships with multiple people (as opposed to swinging and other forms of non-monogamy, where the focus may be on sex only). An argument many polyamorous people have used for the feasibility of making multiple loves work is that a mother with several children will love all of them equally (I am not even sure if I believe this is always true). While I don’t believe that my grandmother played favorites with her children, it’s clear to see that more children in a household will affect the amount of time and energy that a parent will be able to give each child. And I believe this is true with polyamory, as well.

This article is not meant to be a criticism of polyamory. I believe that all people should choose the relationship style that works best for them, and some people may be incapable of thriving in a monogamous relationship. I’ve heard many complaints from non-monogamous people that society pressures individuals to choose monogamous relationships, even when they would prefer not to. I personally believe that monogamy should always be a choice, rather than an obligation, and I choose monogamy for myself. However, as a kinky, genderqueer person who dates outside of heteronormative society, I feel as judged for my choice within my alternative communities as polyamorous people feel in mainstream society.

My desire for monogamy is a recent development in my lifetime. I truly chose monogamy for the first time over three years ago, with a partner who was open to either love style. Prior to this, I had been pressured to conform to monogamy in two relationships where I would have preferred to be polyamorous, but didn’t want to lose my partner. In hindsight, I can see that this desire for polyamory was due to sexual incompatibility. I was still coming out as kinky, and my partners were vanilla. There was no way I could feel happy committing to an exclusive vanilla relationship for the long haul.
The partner I first chose monogamy with was kinky as well. It was interesting to discover that I was happy dating him exclusively, because my needs were being met physically as well as emotionally. We are no longer together, but it gave me a sense of what I truly wanted and needed in a relationship. Ideally, I want a committed, exclusive relationship with a person I can connect to intellectually, emotionally and sexually.

Therein lies the rub. I want to be in monogamous relationship with a kinky person who can keep up with my ferocious sex drive. When looking for partners on Fetlife, or in my local kink community, I don’t meet many single people desiring a committed relationship. It’s mostly people who already have a primary and are seeking additional partners, or people looking for sex only. It seems like the only kinksters I’ve met who practice monogamy, do so in the context of a 24/7 Master/slave relationship, which I respect, but it is not what I’m looking for personally. I suppose I could turn to conventional dating websites where monogamy is the norm, but then it’s a question of trying to find a kinky, queer-minded partner in a sea of vanillas.

My desire for monogamy can feel like a liability in the kink and queer communities. Monogamy is sometimes dismissed as the domain of insecure, jealous people. It makes sense that non-monogamy would be the norm in communities that embrace alternative sexuality. However, I don’t think that identifying as kinky or queer should automatically imply polyamory. I am particularly frustrated by the assumption that all bisexuals are polyamorous, or that all female swingers are automatically bisexual (while male bisexuality is openly frowned upon in the swinger scene).

Why do I crave monogamy? For me, it’s a question of craving a very special, deep bond with one person who really understands me, and vice versa. Not everyone wants this out of a relationship, but I do. I have an extremely busy life, and I don’t have a lot of time for dating. I rarely meet a person that I’d want to pursue a committed relationship with, and when I do, there’s always that question of whether or not they’ll reciprocate my desires. When I do meet my needle in a haystack, I want to hold onto them, and I don’t want to share them with other lovers. This is not so much a symptom of jealously or insecurity, as simply wanting to be the #1 priority in my partner’s life, and vice versa. The types of sex I am interested in, including tantra and BD/SM, require a lot of intense trust and intimacy to be fulfilling for me. I am not afraid of becoming sexually “bored” in a monogamous relationship with a partner who shares my passion for interesting and creative sex, if they are willing to evolve with me.

Books like Sex at Dawn posit that humans are not biologically wired for lifetime monogamy, and I believe this to be true. After all, even those of us who are monogamous are usually serially monogamous- we have multiple exclusive partners over the course of our lives (and we live a lot longer than our prehistoric ancestors, as well). A friend explained the evolution of relationship styles in a framework that made a lot of sense to me: Humans are biologically wired to be omnivorous, but some of us choose to be vegetarians or vegans for personal or religious reasons. Are vegetarians morally wrong, denying their “true nature” by refusing to eat meat? Hardly. I know enough people who are happy in their monogamous relationships to know that it can work well for some people. But I also believe that these are people who genuinely crave monogamy with their partner, rather than feeling pressured into a monogamous relationship by social mores.

I believe that both monogamy and polyamory require hard work and compromise, and that both love styles have drawbacks and benefits. It’s been said that it’s unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs, but I didn’t experience that I was really getting all of my needs met in polyamorous relationships, either. I don’t need one partner (or three partners) to meet every single one of my needs, because I am blessed with a loving family, many friends, and a strong relationship with myself. Furthermore, my values regarding monogamy are not necessarily the same as those held by heteronormative society- I’m more “monogamish”, as Dan Savage might describe it. I have no problem with a partner finding other people attractive, watching porn, or even engaging in certain types of kinky play with others, as long as we’re negotiated it in advance.

So my ultimate question is: Is it possible to be kinky, sex-positive and queer minded – and still desire monogamy? Can alternative communities reconsider monogamy as an empowered choice rather than an unwanted obligation or burden? I think so, but it may take some time and patience before I can find my unicorn- or “monocorn,” as it may be.

Eden Café recently ran a great piece about feminism and the problem with things like body policing . I loved this piece because it’s a subject I think and write about a lot. I am a queer-identified feminist, but I often struggle with feeling queer enough, or being told my lifestyle choices aren’t in line with someone’s particular concept of feminism. My personal theory about why some feminists systematically “call out” and one-up one another is because we long to directly “call out” the patriarchy, the media, rape culture, etc. and it’s not always safe for us to do. Activist communities may be the only place we feel empowered enough to speak honestly. But sometimes we take our frustrations out on each other in toxic ways, instead of learning to work with our differences, and recognizing that we’re all on the same team.

There’s a conversation I’ve seen played out over and over again. It goes like this: smart, empowered woman says “I don’t think I’m a feminist. I don’t like what that’s supposed to mean.” To which I reply, “All feminism means is that you believe in equality for all genders. Anything else is a personal agenda.” I’ve even had this conversation with my mom, who felt alienated from the second wave movement of the seventies as a wife and mother. If the term “humanist” wasn’t already tied up in discussions about humans vs. god, I’d say I’m a humanist. I believe all humans should have access to the same privileges, rights, and opportunities regardless of their gender.

So, the body hair thing. UGH. Wasn’t this dealt with in the 70’s? Haven’t we moved on to LEGITIMATELY IMPORTANT issues? Apparently not. In early October, I presented a paper (you can read more about it here) at the Moral Panics of Sexuality Conference, at Arizona State University in Phoenix, Arizona. I presented about feminist strategies for menstrual suppression (another loaded topic), on a panel about body panics, with Dr. Breanne Fahs, one of the conference’s organizers. Dr. Fahs presented a paper on body hair and heteropanic, which I believe she is also developing into a book. She spoke about how she asked her female students to grow out their body hair for 10 weeks, while male students were asked to shave theirs as an extra credit project for her women’s studies classes. I was a little put off by this assignment, because it did feel like body policing to me. And ironically, one of the most interesting people I met at this conference was one of Dr. Fah’s students who is a committed feminist, but chose to have laser body hair removal in the past, and therefore couldn’t participate in the project. I don’t think that makes her any less of a feminist.

However, once Dr. Fahs explained that in Arizona (and many other conservative areas, no doubt) body hair is a huge deal – participants in the experiment dealt with backlash from family, friends, partners, employers, and even strangers yelling homophobic slurs – I understood a little better why body hair politics matter to her. I’m used to living in urban areas where hairy female armpits are a non-issue, but in Phoenix, refusing to shave might cost a woman her job or her relationship. That’s a seriously depressing prospect in the 21st century.

Nonetheless, I don’t think that choosing to shave your pubic hair (or vajazzling it, or getting it waxed into a heart shape, or whatever you do with your lady parts) makes you a puppet of the patriarchy. Think of it this way: if you refuse to shave your body hair in direct defiance of the patriarchy, rather than considering your own preferences, you’re still letting the patriarchy run your life.

A little background: I started shaving my pubic hair almost as soon as I was able to grow it (in my early teens – I was a late bloomer in this regard). This was in the early 90’s, before Brazilian waxing was a requirement for porn. (This was the era of the “landing strip,” the pubic mohawk that served as an awkward era of transition between the carefully manicured pubes of the 80’s and the completely smooth aughties.) I was already shaving my armpits and legs, so I figured I might as well shave everything. I am a natural blonde with very little body hair to begin with, so I only need to shave once or twice a week to maintain. A friend described a full month’s growth of my armpit hair as her “five o’clock shadow.” So, I guess you could say I was an early adopter. I like how smooth and slippery it feels, and I’ve never had an impressive enough bush to want to grow it out and flaunt it.

(As an aside: I’ve always felt vaguely annoyed by people who eschew pubic shaving because it looks “childlike”. If you truly believe that an adult woman’s shaved vulva looks like a pre-pubescent child’s genitals, you are creepy as fuck. Okay, maybe that was a little judgmental, but so is telling me I am promoting pedophilia with my grooming habits. If you are a woman who believes this, I sure as hell hope you don’t shave your armpit hair either, because guess what – that’s technically pubic hair, and little kids don’t have that either!)

However, I recently decided to grow out my body hair for the first time in years (interestingly, I made this decision about a week before Dr. Fah’s presentation). Not as a feminist statement, because my body hair is not political issue for me. I decided to grow out my body hair as a grooming experiment, and see if I liked it. I got sick of my prickly legs in a week, and decided to keep shaving them, but I was surprised to discover that I kind of like having armpit hair and pubes. I am letting my pubic freak flag fly, and I enjoy feeling like a freakadelic hippy sex goddess. I know pubic hair is natural and shouldn’t be considered a “bohemian” novelty, but after years of shaving, it’s kind of neat to go au naturale just for fun. And I’ll probably go back to shaving at some point, but why should it matter either way?

I recently saw a picture on Fetlife of a lady with a luxurious bush dyed the color of red velvet cake, and it looked so delicious and delightful! My pubes are freakishly pale, so I decided that dyeing them might be a fun way to increase their “visibility”, so to speak. I had attempted this sort of experiment with blue manic panic as a teenager with mixed results, so I was excited to learn that you can now buy foolproof pubic hair dyeing kits on the internet! I can’t wait to have a neon pink bush! Masturbation guru, Betty Dodson, allegedly once told Tristan Taormino (and I paraphrase) that shaving is a great thing for women to do, because it means they’re spending time getting in touch with their vaginas, instead of living in fear of them. You don’t have to shave your pussy to show it love, nor do you have to dye your pubes hot pink. But you do have the right to groom your “lady garden” any way that makes you happy, without facing judgment from others.

Several years ago, I split a bottle of cheap champagne and chatted with a wild, beautiful, pixie of a woman who happened to be a talented Pro-Domme. This was a few months after the stock market crashed, and Pixie (not her real name) complained that the economy was hurting her business. (So much for sex work as a recession-proof industry!) “I’m lucky if I book one or two sessions a month these days,” she complained, “and a lot of the time the guys don’t even show up.”

My jaw dropped. “Don’t you ask for a deposit?” I asked in amazement.

“Only if it’s something elaborate like an overnight caging scene,” she replied briskly, as if it were an inconvenience she’d become resigned to.

I was shocked. The Pro-Dommes I knew were addressed as “Mistress,” “Goddess,” and “Queen” by their submissives; clients paid hundreds of dollars per hour to worship their feet and drink their pee! At least that’s how it looked from the outside. I was amazed that these supposedly “submissive” men would be so disrespectful to the women they supposedly worshipped. By not showing up, they were not only wasting her time, they were costing her hundreds of dollars of income. And apparently, this wasn’t uncommon.

This was the first time I realized that Domme women, far from being universally respected, are often treated worse than consenting female submissives. It suddenly made sense why I met so few women interested in dominating men for free.

I first stumbled into the BDSM scene in my late teens, and quickly decided my natural identity was switch. My first experiences usually involved me taking control of a boyfriend or male playmate with blindfolds, light bondage, and sensation play. I was a curvaceous, corseted young blonde, and I exuded a sort of natural confidence and dominant presence that drew submissives to me like a moth to a flame. I also enjoyed an intense but all too brief D/s relationship with a beautiful young dominant man who was training under an old guard Leather master. BDSM filled my life with excitement, and my dominant and submissive natures were like two sides of a light and dark coin.

I was deprived of the kink scene for five long years due to a long-term vanilla relationship, and living abroad in a country where kink was buried too deeply underground for me to successfully seek it out. When I moved to Chicago at age 26, I discovered a kink scene bigger than I could have ever imagined, and began the awkward process of trying to carve my niche within it as a female switch. Mistress Cleo Dubois gave me a beautiful word to describe a switch: versatile player. I also like calling myself a “switch bitch” and “powerfluid”. I like powerfluid, because for me, playing doesn’t always have clear boundaries between top and bottom. I find the idea of “flipping” a scene midway to be very exciting, never knowing who really has the upper hand. I love kinky wrestling in particular, because it feels like the physical embodiment of two powerful entities battling for dominance. For me, topping isn’t as much fun if my bottom is totally passive and doesn’t struggle a little bit! I like to challenge my tops, and be challenged by my bottoms, and nothing gets me hotter than taking down a powerful player and bending them to my will.

Most of the female switches I’ve met in the scene submit to men but only top women, or top men as pro-dommes, maybe keeping a slave if they found a well behaved sub. I specifically didn’t want to be a pro-domme because I wanted my dominance to come from a place of my personal desires and fantasies, rather than being scripted by a paying client. I don’t want a slave because I want to be in a relationship with someone who can be my equal outside of our play. But sometimes it seems like my ideals are viewed as alien and bizarre to many people.

Recently, I decided I am actually more interested in topping men than bottoming for them. A great deal of this decision was motivated by a desire for respect and power- not wanting to be viewed as a piece of sexually-available, submissive meat simply because I’m female and unattached. And for the first time in my life, I feel that I have the confidence and creativity to run amazing scenes, the experience to be sadistic yet compassionate top, and the dignity to receive service from a place of self-assured strength.

In the past, I had some ambivalence about topping, because for me, kink is very much sexual. My ability to receive sexual pleasure usually involves penetration, so there’s an element of surrender which can detract from my Dominant role. I have always envied how male tops can use their cocks and orgasms to enforce their dominance- by throat fucking a sub and coming on their face, for example. I can do this to some extent by using my strap-on, but it doesn’t give me the same sexual pleasure. “Queening” or face sitting is commonly popular activity with Fem Dommes and male subs, and while I get off on the element of suffocating someone with my ass, I don’t really get off on receiving oral sex. Sometimes I wonder if it’s something I’m really doing for my own pleasure, or because they enjoy it. I enjoy service topping, but after a while it seems like a lot of these “approved” Femme Dom activities are exclusively dictated by what the submissive wants. And it seems like when I bring up what I truly desire- to inflict pain as a sadist- I am frequently met with replies of “Oh, well, I don’t like pain.” I feel as though these submissives claim to want to “worship” me, but are more interested in treating me as an unpaid Pro-Domme to boss around, than an independent, unconventional dominant who would like to do things a little bit differently.

I can’t help but recall my conversation with Pixie as I struggle to find a male submissive worth my time and energy. Almost every day I receive long, elaborate messages on Fetlife from subs, detailing all the things “I’m going to do to them” before I’ve even met them in person, causing me to feel as if I’ve been non-consensually shoe-horned into their masturbatory fantasy.

Other times, they say “they want me to tell them what to do,” but reject every suggestion of how I’d like them to serve me. One submissive told me he wanted me to “loan him out” to another man while I watched, but gave a laundry list of qualities this hypothetical man must have including washboard abs and a smooth chest (and I was somehow supposed to procure this gorgeous stunt cock for the submissive’s pleasure.) And maybe they want to play dress up in woman’s clothes or get pegged with a strap on, yet they never actually own any clothes or toys of their own- I’m expected to provide all this for them.

I’m having a real problem here. I am a top, and I have bottomed enough to know what male tops generally expect from their bottoms. And you know what? I expect the same from my bottoms. I DON’T expect a double standard. I believe in consent, mutual respect, and trust and negotiation. But I also expect be respected as the top in charge, I would like to get to do some of the things that turn me on within nitpicking and whining, and I’d like to direct the scene without my bottom constantly trying to run the show from below.

Moreover, I’m having the same problems with flakiness that Pixie described years ago. Potential subs will usually show up for a coffee date for screening, we’ll set up a time for a play date, and they simply won’t show up at the scheduled time, at all. No cancellation phone call; no apology. In one case, the sub even blocked me on Fetlife AFTER we’d made plans. I have no problem with a sub changing their mind. I do have a problem with having my time wasted because a sub is too cowardly to be honest with me.

I am deeply confused why these men, who claim to believe in “female supremacy” and want to “serve and please women”, can’t be bothered to actually treat Dommes with the respect they deserve. These men seem so deeply caught up in their selfish fantasies that they end up objectifying dominant women as black leather Barbie dolls who exist solely to fulfill their every submissive whim. And that’s not a game I’m interested in playing.

I have seldom encountered these flakiness issues with Dominant men, and I honestly wonder if the fear of giving up male privilege and power is what causes these male submissives to chicken out and behave erratically. Society socializes men to be dominant. I imagine that submissive fantasies can often be a source of shame and conflicting emotions for powerful men. I’m sure the degrading ways that male submissives are often depicted- open wallets to be drained, human footstools, worthless worms, and so forth- doesn’t help any. It’s okay to explore this kind of intense degradation in play, but it also needs to be understood that male submission can and should be just as valuable and lovely as female submission, and can be sensual, intense, and empowering for both parties. But it does require a pure surrender and vulnerability that may be terrifying for some men.

I am not saying that there aren’t abusive, disrespectful Dommes who mistreat their subs. Nor do I believe that all male submissives are selfish, unreliable jerks. But sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a male partner who can really respect and honor my strength, my profound capacities for both control and surrender, and meet me half way in my quest for mutually fulfilling power exchange? I am really enjoying reading blogs by feminist Dommes like Kitty Stryker, who seek to redefine Femme Dom/Male sub relationships in a way that is more gratifying and respectful for all parties involved. I do believe it can be done. But it may take some patience and hard work to shift
these deeply ingrained paradigms that are ultimately disempowering to Dommes and subs alike.

I am going to be honest- I have mixed feelings about National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Not because I don’t think breast cancer is important – I do – but because of the “pink washing”. NBCAM sometimes seems like another Hallmark Holiday, where we’re pressured to buy pink stuff in the hopes that corporations will throw money at breast cancer research and support. But unless 100% of profits are actually going to breast cancer related causes, these companies are still making money off of this cleverly marketed pink stuff. (A friend of mine admitted to me that NBCAM is really just an excuse to buy cute pink kitchen appliances for her.) The fact that these campaigns are so heavily gendered through the use of the color pink – with all its girly girl connotations – is also kind of weird. Pink is a high polarized color for many people, and taboo for manly men, which means a huge demographic is lost in the process. I feel like there’s this sense that if you simply buy a lot of pink crap in October you’re doing your part – but why not cut out the middleman, and donate directly to organizations that focus on breast cancer research? Education and open discourse about breast cancer is also super important and sometimes overlooked, and I am pleased that Eden Café is running this series of insightful and informative articles that truly focus on “awareness”.

I think there needs to be more education and awareness about women’s health issues in general , all year long. For example, did you know that taking the pill can actually drastically reduce your risk of uterine, ovarian and colorectal cancers, and these protections last for decades, even if you quit taking the pill? I think breast cancer has become a pet cause because let’s face it – EVERYONE loves boobs. It’s funny and cute to wear tight tee-shirts that say “save the boobs”. Consider how much less attention that heart disease gets compared to breast cancer, even though heart disease is the #1 leading cause of death for women! Our hearts, while vital for keeping us alive, are hidden, and therefore don’t make us look sexy while wearing a tight tee-shirt. So yes, let’s save the boobs – but let’s also push for more research, education, and awareness for ALL women’s health issues.

I am very fortunate that no one close to me has been diagnosed with breast cancer. The women in my family don’t seem to have a genetic predisposition to it. However, I understand that genetics are not the only factor for developing breast cancer. I am particularly concerned because I have large breasts, and studies have indicated this can put you at greater risk for advanced breast cancer. When you have large breasts, they kind of become a part of your identity, whether you want them to or not. I have no idea how losing one or both of my breasts would truly impact my sense of self if I had to undergo a mastectomy.

My boobs sprouted when I was 13 years old, and I swear they ballooned from an A cup to a D cup overnight. By the time I reached adulthood, I was wearing a DDD bra (or E or F or G depending on the brand). I wear a size 18, and society systematically tells bigger women we are not sexy or desirable. In this regard, my breasts were a sort of get out of jail free card. Perhaps my fat body is not deemed “socially acceptable”, but my big boobs are still ok. My larger-than-average boobs were allowed to be sexy when the rest of my body refused to conform to skinny sex appeal. Thus, my boobs have become a source of perverse power, but they sometimes feel like a barrier between the real me – my intellect, my genderqueer identity, my “problematic” body – and the world.

There is no good way to hide big boobs, and I find I don’t want to. I feel happier and more confident wearing form-fitting clothes that enhance my beautiful breasts. I like showing cleavage when I go to the dungeon or a dance party, and while wearing sexy lingerie for my lovers. But I also worry about being sexually objectified for my breasts to the point that people can’t see the rest of me. As a natural blonde with big boobs, I’ve always despised “blonde” jokes because they are degrading to the many sexy “smart blondes” who deserve to be taken seriously for their brains as well as their bodies. (I think Kristen Bell, Xeni Jardin, and Mae West are three examples of stereotype-smashing smart blondes).

My breasts are a private, sexualized body part, but they get in the way, extending from my body into the public domain, vulnerable to commentary and unwanted attention. Are they really me? I feel disassociated from them sometimes. I literally bump into people with them, knock things off shelves by accident. People want to touch them – other women, babies, straight men, gay men. (Some gay men think they can grab them without my permission because they are gay. I am telling you right now that non-consensual grabbing is never okay!) When I lived in Japan, I got groped by curious teenage girls on a regular basis – I think this was partly a cultural thing (teenage girls tend to grab each other for fun in Japan). I guess my boobs were extra exciting and exotic in a nation where boobs are highly fetishized, yet most women have petite breasts.

I sometimes wish I could take them off with my bra when I go to bed at night and just wear them for special occasions. I cannot find a button-down shirt that fits for the life of me. I cannot buy lingerie with fitted bra cups- it’s always too small, even when it’s plus-sized. I’ve had chronic back pain since the age of fifteen, that never really gets better. I am basically carrying a pair of three pound dumbbells on my chest, to the extent that a massage therapist told me I didn’t need to work out my pecs and shoulders because they were already muscularly overdeveloped from holding up my breasts.

So here’s the thing – even though I sometimes have mixed feelings about my boobs, I would never choose to have a partial breast reduction. I am genderqueer, and I’d honestly prefer to have full chest surgery than a breast reduction. I have total respect women who opt for breast reductions, but I’d rather keep my breasts as they are, in all their cartoonish, oversized glory.

So what would happen if I underwent a mastectomy? I honestly think I might choose to transition to a more masculine or androgynous physical appearance. Writer Patrick Califia famously transitioned to male when he reached menopause, because he figured that if he had to undergo hormone replacement therapy, he might as well live as the gender he wanted to be. As a genderqueer person, I am not strictly male or female – I wear my hair very short and masculine, but enjoy wearing dresses that flatter my curvy body. When I was thinner and smaller breasted, I tended to dress more masculine. I want to make it clear that I don’t think that having breasts or not having breasts makes you more masculine or feminine. Some women have breasts so small they are almost flat chested. Some transgendered men opt to keep their breasts for financial or personal reasons, some cismen have fleshier chests. So I want to make it clear that I do not think losing one’s breast(s) makes one less of a woman. But I do think it’s important for women who undergo mastectomies to feel sexy and comfortable with their bodies in whatever way works best for them. For me, it would be a chance to explore the masculine side of my personality that I never have truly been able to express because my large breasts. While I currently wouldn’t choose to opt for a full reduction, if I were in a position where I was forced to lose my breasts due to cancer, it is most likely how I would choose to cope with the situation. It is important to recognize that there are many potential strategies for surviving breast cancer – and each individual has to find their own way of feeling beautiful and good about themselves while going through such a physically and emotionally demanding experience.

[box]What do you think? Let us know in comments or write a post of your own! We’d love to hear what you have to say.[/box]

I am a sex toy fanatic. I review sex toys for my blog and have several “hook-ups”, so to speak. So I am lucky enough to get to try a variety of things without a huge financial investment. I am also lucky enough to be friends with people who host sex toy parties where we all bring our haul and try out other people’s stuff (with condoms, of course! Practice safer sex toy sex!) I discovered my sex toy life partner, the Pure Wand, through one of these parties, and I confess I probably wouldn’t have made the $100+ investment as an “experiment”, if I hadn’t tried it first.

My collection is constantly growing, but I also find myself weeding my collection and giving (disinfectable) things away on occasion. There are just some toys that just sit there because they’re not quite right, or they’re not right at all. So I’ve been thinking about ways various sex toy buying dilemmas could be resolved, if at all.

1. There needs to be a way to try before you buy. Sex toys are often a very expensive investment. Most people are not going to want to throw down $100+ on a vibrator unless they know for certain that it’s going to be worth every penny. But you can’t exactly stick something in your privates and return it to the retailer as resaleable merchandise. Reading reviews helps to an extent, but everyone’s body is different. I’ve wound up hating toys that got almost 5 star reviews, and loving toys that others panned. The aforementioned sex toy parties are great for trying things out, but not everyone is going to be comfortable using another person’s sex toys. There’s also no guarantee that a friend will own that item you’ve been dying to try.

2. There needs to be a way to modify “almost perfect” sex toys. I have several dildos that have the perfect girth but are too short. I have several dildos that are the perfect length but too slim. Ever since I’ve started using more ergonomically shaped toys, I wish all my dildos had handles that curved towards my body, so they would put less strain on my wrists. Wouldn’t it be awesome if sex toys were customizable, and you could get a dildo made-to-order to your specifications? Or if, instead of just offering several colors of the same toy, companies offered multiple lengths, girths, vibrating options, and so forth for the same toy?

A while back, I watched a documentary about men who own Real Dolls, that included an interview with the “real doll doctor” who does surgery on these super high end silicone love dolls when their various parts begin to wear out. With a price tag of $6,000+, it’s absolutely necessary that these toys be maintainable (especially since some of their owners form emotional attachments to them!) So, if this guy can put a new spine in a silicone doll, wouldn’t it be possible to cut my dildo in half and add an extra inch or two of color-matched silicone to it? Is my dream of a “sex toy tailor” actually feasible?

3. There needs to be a non-gross way to swap or exchange toys that don’t work well for you. When I recently decided to part ways with a Lelo dildo that wasn’t right for me, I had an open minded friend in mind who loves Lelo, so I offered it to her, and she happily took it off my hands. Obviously, the dildo in question was disinfectable silicone (which can be bleached or boiled), and we have the sort of friendship where this sort of offer isn’t considered weird. I kind of like the idea of starting a sex toy swap group on Fetlife, but people may be legitimately concerned about contracting an STI from a stranger’s sex toy. Even after it’s been thoroughly disinfected, there’s a psychological weirdness around putting something in your body that’s been in someone else’s body (which may be why some people get so jealous when thinking about their partner’s exes?) Re-selling used sex toys is certainly not legal, but there’s something heart breaking about throwing an expensive reusable toy in the trash when it could find a happy home with someone else…But how?

4. Sex toys need to be more affordable, period. This is a complicated one. Some great toys like the infamous Hitachi Magic Wand are relatively inexpensive because they’re mass produced and commonly sold in a vanilla context. The magic wand is just a normal household appliance, like a toaster or a hair dryer, that just happens to double as one of the world’s greatest vibrators. However, specialty sex toys made from body-friendly materials like silicone or steel tend to be rather pricey. I admit that when I was in college, all my dildos were made of inexpensive rubber jelly, because that was what I could afford.

Ten years later, we find out that jelly dildos contain potentially carcinogenic chemicals called phthalates. And cheap vibrators don’t seem quite as cheap when you’re constantly buying replacement batteries. Sex toys are becoming more mainstream, with condom companies making and selling vibrators and cock rings that can be purchased at drug stores, which is helping to expand the market for these specialty items, even though many people still consider these items taboo. So as a still-growing niche market, prices have to be high to cover overhead for sex toy companies and independent retailers alike. Ironically, this keeps a lot of people from making an investment that could change their sex lives for the better, as well as increasing the demand for toys, which would make them more affordable for everyone. And everyone deserves to own a really good quality toy or three.

I am curious to hear what other people’s sex toy buying pet peeves are…Leave them in the comments!

Ok, so here’s the thing. It’s not that my clit isn’t sensitive. It’s not that I don’t have clitoral orgasms. I do. But they generally involve careful placement of a hitachi magic wand in tandem with intense internal stimulation. The reality is my G and A spot’s are waaaay more sensitive than my clit, and I’d much prefer that my partner focus their attention there. I don’t need to be “warmed up” clitorally to be penetrated. Penetration IS my warm up!

I enjoy receiving oral sex, but it isn’t really a high priority sexual activity for me. The times it makes me cum are few and far between, typically with patient boyfriends with whom I feel comfortable enough to take thirty minutes to cum with, and who didn’t put pressure on me to orgasm. Coming this way usually involves resorting to my most hardcore masturbatory fantasies to get over the edge. And really, I’d rather not have to zone out from my partner like this during sex to cum. I’d rather feel connected, even if it means having different kinds of orgasms.

I know how to get myself off with masturbation. And I can have a clitoral orgasm with a partner, but it’s generally going to involve using a particular vibrator on myself, with a particular placement. God knows, lovers will want to try to get me off clitorally, convinced they will be “the one” who is different thanks to their amaaaazing sex skills, but it gets really frustrating when there’s this expectation that things that work well for other people will work for me. They just don’t, and I realize that I am not the norm, but that doesn’t make me broken or frigid.

I know plenty of women who love clitoral stimulation but don’t care whether or not they’re penetrated, and don’t experience any G spot sensation at all. Studies have show that the clitoris is a largely internal structure, and the concentration and location of the nerves vary dramatically from woman to woman. So it makes perfect sense that some women don’t experience a lot internal sensation, while other women – like me – don’t experience a ton of external sensation. I suspect those nerves are buried deeper in my body, where it’s easier to reach them from within. For a while, I assumed my lack of intense clitoral sensation must be psychological hang up. However, I have an extremely high sex drive,*definitely* feel G and A Spot stimulation, have dozens of G Spot orgasms, and even squirt. So frigidity is clearly NOT the problem here.

To give you some perspective: when I first started to masturbate in earnest as a teenager, I was confused that my clit seemed to be in the wrong place. When I touched where my clit was supposed to be, I didn’t feel a whole lot. When I touched the spot close to the entrance to my vagina, woooo, I felt a WHOLE LOT. I didn’t have any concept of the G Spot at this point, and it would be a few more years before I understood why my clit was in the “wrong” place.

It may be hard for people to let go of the notion that some women aren’t clitorally oriented, and that I do need to use my vibrator to cum clitorally, and it’s not because my partner has failed to please me – it’s just how I’m built! It should be obvious that there’s lots of other things to do that will get me off. And I do want to have a clitoral orgasm during partner sex (though usually not until the end, as it makes me want to fall asleep), but I need to do it the way that works, which may not actually involve my partner’s tongue or fingers on my clit. This is why I like to use my vibrator while my partner fucks me with hand/penis/dildo- it feels like a truly connected partner act then. They’re doing what really gets my G spot off, while I do what really gets my clit off.

This is why it’s so important to discuss every partner’s turn ons on a case by case basis, let go of ego gratification, and do what actually feels good…A truly great lover is one who can listen to what their partner truly wants and needs, even if it defies their expectations!

Tips for fucking G-spot oriented women:

- Get over your ego’s desire to make a woman come orally/clitorally. Do what works instead, and your partner will love you for it. Understand that a G spot orgasm is as important as a clitoral orgasm for some women. Don’t put pressure on your partner have an orgasm every time, or make them feel like there’s something wrong with their unique erotic response. Focus on the pleasurable sensations instead.

- Learn how to use your fingers, cock, toys, and maybe your whole hand to please your partner’s spots! Take your time, and really pay attention to how your partner responds to different types of stimuli.

- Invest in some good G spot toys to use with your partner. The Pure Wand is my personal favorite, and it’s fantastic for learning how to squirt!

In October I will be presenting a paper entitled “No to the Flow: Rejecting Feminine Norms and the Reproductive Imperative through Hormonal Menstrual Suppression” at an academic conference in Arizona entitled “Moral Panics of Sexuality.” This conference seeks to examine issues pertaining to sexuality that really freak people out on a social and cultural level. There were lots of interesting topics I considered for my proposal, but in the end I decided to go with an issue near and dear to my heart (and uterus): menstrual suppression via continuous use of hormonal birth control pills.

About a year and a half ago, I decided to go on birth control to hopefully help my Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), which is a fancy medical term for REALLY BAD PMS. I had spent my entire twenties feeling physically and emotionally horrible about two to three weeks of each month, and I’d had enough. A friend recommended the low-estrogen pill Yaz as it had helped her PMDD, and despite my apprehension about potential side effects, I decided to give it a try. I’d heard that Yaz was more likely to cause blood clots, but after some research I discovered that studies had shown that Yaz caused two or three incidents out of 10,000 users as opposed to 1 out of 10,000 with other pills. Not exactly something to freak out about.

This was my first time going on a regular birth control regimen, at age 30. Transitioning to the new hormones was hard at first. My already-big boobs went up a cup size. I was moody and tired all the time. I bled at random intervals. I wanted to quit, but my doctor encouraged me to stick it out, and I’m glad I did. Within three months, my body had adjusted, and I no longer experienced any negative side effects. Even my libido seemed to have remained intact (though I’ve always seemed to have a higher-than-average libido in the first place!)

Around this same time, I started asking my doctor about trying continuous birth control, which I had read about on the website noperiod.com. It turns out that the monthly “period” women experience when taking the placebo week of their pill cycle isn’t actually medically necessary. Furthermore, taking the pill continuously is actually more beneficial for women suffering from PMDD, as well as disorders like endometriosis, because hormone levels remain consistent in the body. There is even research that has shown that taking the pill continuously can reduce the risk of certain cancers. A hundred years ago, women would typically have 50-150 menstrual cycles in their lifetime; in modern times it’s closer to 450. It’s interesting to learn that certain reproductive cancers have become more common due to the cellular stress that results from this increase in menstrual cycles.

Most birth control pills contain synthetic versions of the hormones progestin and estrogen. The progestin tells the body to stop ovulating, while the estrogen controls the thickening of the endometrium (uterine lining). When you starting taking the placebo pills the body goes into estrogen “withdrawal”, which causes the uterine lining to shed. The pills that are prescribed for continuous use contain the smallest possible doses of estrogen to keep the uterine lining thin, so there is no need for monthly shedding.

Yaz is a low estrogen pill, so it is possible to take it continuously or for three to four month cycles, skipping the placebo week, for a few months at a time, so that you only have a “period” a few times a year. The pills Lybrel and Seasonale work according to the same extended-cycle principle.

As someone who is committedly child-free and genderqueer (and thus not particularly attached to the idea of menstruation=femininity), the idea of getting rid of my period sounded fabulous. My gynecologist green lighted continuous BC for me, and I started it about 10 months ago. (For the record- continuous BC is still controversial, and not all doctors advocate it. Having done extensive research, I believe that any potential side effects are outweighed by the benefits for my body, but everyone should make their own choice. I take the pill continuously for three months or so, then take a break for withdrawal bleeding. I have discovered over time, that as time goes by, I don’t even experience withdrawal bleeding because my uterine lining is thin enough that it doesn’t need to shed (this is fairly typical with long term use of continuous birth control).

So you may be wondering why the pill features this “placebo” period when it’s not really neccessary? Fun fact: one of the scientists who developed the birth control pill was a devout Catholic who wanted to develop a Pope-friendly foolproof version of the rhythm method, which relies on tracking your fertility. He included this period week to make the pill seem more natural. Interesting, yes? (You can read more about this here: http://www.gladwell.com/2000/2000_03_10_a_rock.htm)

Some of my friends who take the pill say they can’t do without this “period”, because it reassures them that they aren’t pregnant. Ironically, monthly withdrawal bleeding actually increases the risk of pregnancy, while taking the pill, and uterine shedding is not necessarily a guarantee that you are not pregnant! Other friends say that not having a period seems “unnatural,” but if you consider that the “period” one experiences taking the regular birth control is medically induced, that doesn’t seem all that natural either.

I admit that it’s weird to have dropped out of the feminine bonding experience, that is a monthly cycle, having periods sync up with friends, the miserable mood swings, the implacable cravings for salt and chocolate. I can’t say that I miss it, however. Some feminists have argued that menstrual suppression is misogynistic (because society views periods as “dirty”), or that women are being treated as “guinea pigs” by the medical industry. However, there are a lot of layers to this issue, and I believe that menstrual suppression is a feminist choice for me. I feel empowered by taking control of my fertility and eliminating a disorder that seriously interfered with my ability to function for years.

If you are interested in trying menstrual suppression, I encourage you to research the subject on your own, and talk to your gynecologist about it. Dr. Leslie Miller’s website noperiod.com is a great place to start!

Click here for Fisting 101

In part one of this series, I looked at some of the myths surrounding fisting that have scared people away from the practice. In this installment, I will walk you through how to actually attempt this epic sex act!

SOME CONSIDERATIONS BEFORE YOU START:

There are many factors that can make fisting physically challenging for some folks. A tilted pelvis, low pelvic bone clearance, vaginismus, and a small vaginal canal can all interfere with fisting. It is good to have a sex-positive gynecologist you can talk to if needed.

If fisting is something you’re thinking about building up to, but you’re not ready yet, start playing with bigger dildos, and experimenting with adding more fingers when your partner is fingering you. The more you practice, the easier it will be when you attempt the whole hand.

Fisting can ride a fine line between pain and pleasure at times. As I mentioned in the previous article, some masochists might enjoy a larger hand and bit of pain during fisting, but be careful not to get carried away and injure yourself. Savor the good pain, but don’t do anything that might cause your tissues to tear or bleed.

If don’t already have masochistic tendencies, you may not understand the difference between good pain and bad pain, so I will use another sports analogy. “Good pain” is the pain you might experience during and after a hard workout, and is sometimes described as “feeling the burn.” So a fistee might “feel the burn” during fisting, because they are giving their vaginal muscles a workout! On the other hand, “bad pain” is the sharp, stabbing, pain you might feel when you pull a muscle, have a stomach ache, and so forth. It’s a type of pain that’s not going to be pleasurable under any circumstance. If you start to feel the bad pain, STOP. This is not the Olympics, and you’re not going to win a medal for getting a hand in on the first try.

It is also important to manage anxiety levels that might accompany fisting. Deep breaths, ongoing verbal communication, taking breaks, or even stopping completely may be what’s needed to help you feel safe and calm throughout the experience. Fisting is intense on physical, psychological and emotional levels. There is simply no “faking it” with fisting. You will have to surrender to the experience and make yourself vulnerable in a way that might be frightening.

STUFF YOU WILL NEED:

Lots of vag-safe lube. This means you may want to skip anything with glycerin, warming/cooling lubes, or anything that will cause irritation. You can also experiment with using a natural oil like coconut oil, as it is very long lasting (the gay male community used to use Crisco for fisting back in the day for this very reason), but be aware that some oils can degrade latex, or are not body friendly. You will need a lot of lube for this undertaking. Thick, long lasting, lubes like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Boy Butter, Maximus, or Pjur Eros are all good bets.

Nitrile or latex gloves. These are a good idea for safer sex reasons, and will protect the receiver from sharp nails or rough skin. It is definitely a good idea to carefully trim and file your nails before fisting someone.

A vibrator of the recipient’s choosing. Using a vibe on the clit during the build up to fisting will help the recipient relax and enjoy the sensations more, and bring them over the edge when they’re ready to have an orgasm. The Hitachi Magic Wand is always a good bet, but some people may have a different vibe they prefer.

Time and patience. Set aside at least an hour for your first attempt, turn off the phones, put on some nice music, light some candles, do whatever you need to do to completely relax and focus. For some people building up to fisting may be an ongoing project with a partner, as not everyone will succeed on their first try. I had one partner who attempted to fist me countless times but never succeeded in getting it all the way in; a few years later I had a boyfriend with very large hands who managed to fist me on the first try. So don’t worry if you can’t get the whole thing in immediately. Enjoy the journey.

GETTING STARTED:

Prior to fisting, the fistee should take a hot bath or shower to relax, and have an orgasm or three. Take care that you are well hydrated and have eaten something beforehand (though you shouldn’t feel uncomfortably full.) After penetrative intercourse or dildo play, is the best time to try fisting, as the vagina will be naturally more relaxed and open. Having an orgasm prior to beginning a fisting session is recommended because the body releases the pleasure chemical oxytocin during climax (it’s what causes the contractions), which helps the fistee feel relaxed and happy.

Finding a partner with the right sized hand for you may be tricky. If you are in a monogamous relationship with someone with larger hands and you are built small, you may never be able to get your partner’s entire hand inside you, but you can enjoy low-pressure experimentation with seeing how many fingers you can receive. There are some people that believe that being able to insert five fingers without going all the way inside in also counts as fisting, and if this definition works for you, claim it. You can still experience mind blowing sensations without having someone’s entire hand inside your body.

If you are in a non-monogamous relationship or single, you may want to seek a fisting top with smaller hands for your first try, though you may find you crave the challenge of a bigger hand once you’ve gained some experience!

The top should begin by putting on a glove, and thoroughly coating their fingers with lube. Find a position that is comfortable for both partners. The fistee can lie on their back with their hips propped up with pillows or a Liberator cushion, with the fister between their legs. The top should find an angle where they can comfortably finger their partner without putting strain on their wrist or arm. You can also experiment with other positions such as the fistee kneeling or leaning forward ala “doggy style,” with the top seated behind the recipient.

Start with the top inserting with one or two fingers, sliding them in and out while massaging the G spot. See if you can work up to all five fingers, applying lube as needed. Go slow and steady to warm up the vagina and prevent irritation. This is a good time for the fistee to start using a vibrator or another type of clitoral stimulation, though they may wish to hold off on having an orgasm at this point. The orgasmic contractions can push the top’s hand out, and some people may find they no longer wish to be penetrated following orgasm, which could end the scene.

Once you have all five fingers inside, squeeze them together to make them as narrow as possible, so that your hand looks like a “duck head.” You want your hand to be as narrow as possible during the insertion phase. Your palm should be facing up (towards the G spot) with the knuckles down to minimize pressure on sensitive urethral tissue. At this point, you are going to gently, slowly push into the vagina with your hand until the fistee tells you to stop. Once you’ve found that “sweet spot”, you can begin moving your fingers in and out, up until right before you hit that point. Aim your fingertips upward to stimulate the G and A spot, which will help open and relax the vagina. Keep doing this for a while, and then start applying gentle pressure again, and see if you can move in deeper this time. Always stop before the pressure becomes too painful. You may want to employ shallower strokes with your hand as you get deeper and deeper into the vagina. Communication is super important, especially if one or both parties are trying fisting for the first time.

If things seem pretty open, it’s time to take it to the next level. At this point you may be able to penetrate up to your knuckles, or even a little further up on your hand. It will probably be uncomfortable for your fistee to be fucked with the thicker part of your hand, so this is where you take the plunge and attempt to put the hand all the way inside. Once again, with upward-facing “duck hand,” you will start gently but firmly pushing your hand all the way in. As you enter, the fingers will curl back into the palm to form a “fist” deep inside the vagina with your wrist at the entrance. Make sure not to put excessive pressure on the cervix!

This is without a doubt the most intense and potentially painful part of fisting for the bottom, so stop if it feels like the vagina is not ready to stretch this much yet. The good news is this pain/intensity is quite brief- once the hand is all the way inside, it should feel very full, but not painful. Some fistees may find this part of the process intensely erotic, intimate, and transformative, as it demands the greatest level of surrender and trust between the partners. Fisting is actually an act of surrender for both partners- it may be intimidating for a fisting top to put their entire hand in such a tight space for the first time, for the fear it might get “stuck there” (it won’t), or they may be concerned about accidentally injuring a partner (you won’t, as long as you communicate, go slowly, and use plenty of lube).

Once inside, there are lots of things you can do! The fistee may wish to have a few moments to adjust to the sensation of fullness before you try anything else. They may want you to hold still while they use their vibrator to climax around your fist, or they may want you to rotate or move the hand back in forth inside the vagina for added stimulation. Some very advanced fisters may even enjoy being fucked with the thickest part of the hand during fisting, or even double fisted, but don’t worry about this your first time. Again, focus pressure against the top wall of the vagina to stimulate the G and A spots, and experiment with what sensations feel best for the fistee. Additionally, the fister may find their shoulder or wrist become tired from the repetitive motions, and should stop, change position, or switch hands (if feasible) if they begin to experience discomfort.

When you’re ready to take you hand out again, you perform the same process in reverse. Apply extra lube at the vaginal entrance to smooth along the process. You may wish to insert an extra finger to “break the seal” if a suction has formed around your hand. Slowly begin the process of pulling out. This will probably feel very intense for the fistee, though perhaps different from how it felt going in. Once the thickest part of the hand has exited the vagina, the rest of the fingers should slide out smoothly.

AFTERCARE:

Some bottoms may find themselves drifting deep into an altered state of consciousness called “sub space” through the experience of fisting. It is important that the top takes special care to recognize if this is happening, and proceed with caution, as the bottom’s pain tolerance and judgment may be affected. Aftercare describes the attention one or both partners may need after intense play, and may mean a glass of water, a snack, an ice pack, or talking and cuddling. Fisting should be a positive, pleasurable experience for everyone involved!

(Note: this article is about vaginal fisting only. If you are interested in anal fisting, I recommend doing some additional research such as picking up Dr. Jack Morin’s book “Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples” prior to attempting it, as it is a more advanced and potentially dangerous [if done incorrectly] activity than vaginal fisting.)

Fisting is my desert island sexual activity. Yes, if I was only allowed one type of sex act for the rest of my life, I would choose fisting over oral sex and every imaginable kind of intercourse. No other partnered sex act has given me the same levels of breathless intensity, A Spot and G Spot stimulation, and sensations of pure erotic surrender. A friend once described that the first time she was fisted it felt as if she had “unblocked her chi (Chinese word for vital energy),” and reported she felt incredibly euphoric and productive afterwards.

Women who have tried it and enjoyed it swear by it as an incredible sexual experience. But getting a partner’s entire hand inside their vagina may still be an intimidating prospect for some women. The sex act that I consider is most similar to fisting is anal sex. Anal sex can be painful and uncomfortable if you do it wrong, but if you go slowly, warm up your partner, and use plenty of lube, it’s an incredibly pleasurable experience that doesn’t have to be painful at all. Fisting is the same way.

Part of the problem is that fisting is still considered a taboo sex act by many people, even those who are otherwise interested in alternative sex. Fisting is rarely shown in porn, (Jenna Jameson once said that her whole hand is not much bigger than your average porn star’s penis, but many studios have rules against showing fisting) or else it’s shown in a way that appears painful and uncomfortable. There is very little readily-available information and education about fisting. (Though, I have not read it and it may be a little tricky to find, Deborah Addington’s “A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting,” is allegedly a great book on the subject.)

Fisting is a fairly common activity amongst the lesbian and queer community (perhaps because most women tend to have smaller hands), but many heterosexual women are concerned that it will make them “loose” and unable to satisfy a male partner. (Repeat after me: no sexual activity within reason is going to make you “loose” if you’re doing your kegels regularly. “Looseness” is a sex negative myth designed to control women and make them fearful.)

In part one of this series, I will dispel some myths that might have scared you or your partner away from trying fisting. In part two, I will give step-by-step instructions for how to try it yourself!

Fisting Myth #1: Fisting Hurts

Not if you’re doing it right! Think about it–a vagina was designed to give birth to a baby. In most cases, a fist is smaller than a baby’s head! (Incidentally, fisting can be a great activity for pregnant women to begin toning their vagina for natural birth.) A vagina has the natural potential to stretch a great deal, but the key is warming up the vaginal muscles beforehand, just like how athletes stretch and warm up their muscles prior to an intense workout. It is necessary to relax and warm up the vaginal muscles so they able to expand comfortably. It is great to do fisting after penetrative sex and an orgasm or two, as the vagina will be naturally more open and relaxed at this time. The other part of the equation is using plenty of lube, and having the receiving partner breathe deeply to help ease the hand inside.

Here’s the good news- it’s really the first one or two inches of the vagina that is surrounded by muscular tissues that keeps it “tight” and contracted. The tissue deeper in the vagina is more expansive and malleable, and tends to “balloon” out during arousal. So the trickiest part of fisting is getting the biggest part of the hand past the muscular entrance, and into the part that’s fuller and more open, with the narrower wrist resting at the tightest part. Once the hand is inside, the vagina should feel quite full, but not uncomfortably painful.

It is inevitable that you may have a little soreness after being fisted for the first time, just like your muscles might be sore after starting a new exercise regime. This soreness is generally not harmful and will quickly pass. Depending on the size of the fister’s hand, you may experience some brief pain as the thickest part of the hand enters you. If it feels like too much, stop. You will probably not want your first experience to be with someone with a very large hand, unless you already have some established elasticity from natural childbirth. If you are able to find a partner with a smaller hand, it shouldn’t be any more intense than being penetrated by a large dildo or penis. If you’re a bit of pain slut, you may enjoy a little bit of soreness during play, but take care not to injure yourself.

Fisting is definitely an intense experience, but it does not have to be a painful experience if you don’t want it to be. Learn to tell the difference between this physical intensity and the “bad” pain that tells you something is wrong.

Fisting Myth #2: Fisting is Dangerous

Not if you do it correctly. Like I said, the vagina is designed for childbirth, and is impressively durable as a result. The main risks associated with fisting are tissue irritation and possible increased risk of UTIs (risks also associated with regular intercourse!) You can avoid these problems by using lots of lube and peeing immediately after you’re finished playing to flush out bacteria from your urethra.

Fisting Myth #3: Fisting will make you loose.

The vagina is elastic. Imagine a rubber band. You can stretch it several times larger than its original size, but it will snap back once you release the tension. A vagina stretches to conform to the size of what is inserted in it, then goes back to its original size when the playing is done. With fisting, you are training your vagina to become more elastic. I also find that if I haven’t been fisted in a few months, my vagina shrinks a bit, and takes longer to warm up, so I’m definitely not “loose” as a result of enjoying fisting long-term over the years. Some women may find that their vagina feels bigger for an hour or so after fisting, but things will go back to “normal” quite quickly. (Personally, I find I’m tighter after fisting because my tissues are more engorged from the intense stimulation.) If you’re truly worried about not being tight enough, invest in a kegelcisor and improve the muscle tone in your vagina, and you’ll find you’ll have no complaints from partners.

Stay tuned for part two, when I explain the “how” of fisting!