Recently I was musing over the fact that there is often little education given to people, especially teens, on the topic of finding well-fitting condoms. Rarely, at least in standard school sex ed programs, do you find acknowledgement of the range of condoms out there if the standard supermarket ones do not meet your needs. I understand that the most important and simple message to get across to the public is that wearing condoms is virtually a must when it comes to preventing STIs and pregnancy – there is no disputing that. Yet, if someone gives condoms a try and finds them uncomfortable or finds that they break in use, then such bad experiences are likely to taint a person’s views on the matter and may well lead to them giving up on condoms altogether, which would be a concern.

Personally, I know that my first experiences with condoms weren’t exactly brilliant. Past the inevitable awkwardness of using condoms for the first few times, there were other issues that could have been fixed had I known there were more options out there. The condoms we were using, your standard latex ones from the supermarket, were too small and as such were uncomfortable for my partner and sometimes broke. In addition to this, they didn’t feel that great in use from my perspective either, as they dulled the sensations and often left me feeling a little chafed, which made it harder to be enthused about using them. All of these problems had repercussions on our sex life, and made me feel like a nagging bitch whenever I insisted on using condoms, as neither of us enjoyed the sensation, but I knew it was wise to continue using them even though I was on the pill.

Yet, at the time I wasn’t really aware of the huge range of options that existed when it came to condoms. Had I known, I wouldn’t have settled for condoms that were ill-fitting and thick. I knew there were such things as XL condoms, perhaps one or two brands in the supermarket made these sizes, but in my mind they were unnecessary and would have only been of use if my guy was 10” and as thick as my wrist. I thought they were more for bragging rights or boasting than really being something my partner could have used. Similarly, I thought the concept of thinner condoms was more or less another meaningless term manufacturers slapped on their product in an attempt to sell it. In hindsight, I kick myself for not doing more research into the topic. I would have probably enjoyed sex more and been able to enjoy better protection without sacrificing comfort.

So, if I am ever in a position to be dispensing advice on sex to those unfamiliar with condoms, I definitely plan to put an emphasis on how much more pleasurable sex with the correct type of condom can be. This is not to say every guy won’t comfortably fit into standard size condoms or that everyone needs super thin condoms or ones that are latex-free or un-lubricated, but I firmly believe that it’s important to know that these options exist should you ever have the need for them.

Personally, I love vintage porn and enjoy the chance to see what people were getting their rocks off to twenty, thirty or forty years ago. One thing that struck me as I flicked through some steamy magazines from the 70s was all the pubic hair. It was everywhere! Women unabashedly spreading their legs and showing off their furry treasures left right and center. It was not just a little puff of hair on the mons, shaped into a neat strip or love heart either, but totally au naturale pubic hair. It’s strange to think that pubic hair has almost completely disappeared off the menu these days. If Playboy or Penthouse were to publish a magazine of such pictures today there would be a huge outcry about it. So far, I’ve not come across a real explanation as to why it went from acceptable to abhorrent in the space of a few years.

Recently, I’ve seen many comments, mostly from heterosexual males, labeling pubic hair as unclean and disgusting. As a heterosexual female, I have to say, if pubic hair is so revolting and hairs in your mouth are that horrifying, then why aren’t guys under the same pressure to rip or clip everything from the waist down? Hell, I wish I could say I have been lucky enough never to wind up with a stray hair in my mouth from oral escapades, but though it’s a little unpleasant, it’s not a deal-breaker. Basically, all these excuses for why women should get rid of all their hair are poorly disguised ways of covering up the fact that it should be that way because…well…society says so.

Plenty of women, myself included, love the feeling of a bare pussy, as it gives you more deliciously sensitive skin to play with. When the hair is trimmed or shaved off, it can also make it easier to care for the area, especially during menstruation. Yet, past these practical benefits, there is definitely huge cultural pressure to be virtually completely bald down there. Very rarely will you see female pornstars with pubic hair, unless it’s catering to a niche market for ‘hairy’ women or is old-school vintage stuff. I am loathe to even bring up the over-hyped and patently ridiculous concept of vajazzling, but such a thing would not even be possible if society did not have the automatic expectation that you were bare down there – bare enough to be a blank canvas, so it seems.

I do love the look of a prettily shaved or bare vag, with all of the benefits that go along with it. Yet, I doubt any lady will tell you that it’s a barrel of laughs to keep it that way. For me, shaving is the easiest option, but still damn frustrating. I have dark hair, so even with the closest shave I may still have a shadow there and it begins to grow back very quickly. The itching and discomfort that comes with the next two or so days is not pleasant and it’s unavoidable, no matter how carefully I’ve exfoliated/prepped/preened trying to avoid the irritation. Waxing is a nice option when I can afford it, but it doesn’t last long, it’s inconvenient and means I have to grow a crop of hairs ripe for plucking. Any other hair removal methods are out of the question due to expense or inconvenience. Long story short: having a bare cunt can be a pain.

However, when I am between partners, I am happy to let things grow naturally. I’ll trim and shape a little here and there, but essentially stick with whatever happens to appear. Yet, I will still wax or shave completely before meeting a new partner, unless advised otherwise. I fear being judged for my choice to retain a little thatch of hair. I’d hate for a partner to go away thinking I was inconsiderate, unclean or didn’t take care of myself, things which aren’t true, but seem to be associated with pubic hair these days. As a woman confident in my body and sexuality, you’d think I’d be happy enough to do so, regardless of outside pressures to do otherwise, but I still feel as though it’s expected of me.

I take issue with the fact that there is an unwritten rule that this totally bare look is the only acceptable way for the area to be. I don’t see why even a neatly trimmed vag-hedge should be anathema. Pubic hair can be soft and pretty and sensual in its own right! Yet, still, I scrape and strip the area, pandering to the acceptable image more often than not. I’ll admit I’ve been bullied by the bare down there believers. As much as I’d like to argue otherwise, I’ve fallen into the trap of believing the mainstream image is one I should ideally present, but in doing so, I guess I feel as though I’ve betrayed my confident, feminist ideas and thinking. Perhaps one day I’ll have the guts to just trim things nicely and leave it at that, hopefully giving my partner a pleasant surprise, but for now I’ll just continue to mull over the virtual extinction of the beautiful, hairy muff.

Recently, I have noticed the proliferation of animal shapes in sex toys, especially those marketed towards women. The first that springs to mind is the popular ‘rabbit style-vibrator’, which is based on the well known Rabbit Habit dual stimulator. Though the rabbit itself has become an iconic part of many dual stimulators, the closest most companies get to innovation with these types of vibes is putting another animal in its place. Dolphins, beavers and butterflies seem to be a popular second choice – that’s hardly pushing the boundaries of aesthetic or practical design. If one is to look at ‘discreet’ massagers for women we also see an abundance of animal forms. You’ll find ducks, platypuses, bears, rabbits, teddy bears, butterflies and mice among others.

Far from suggesting everything must be as realistic as possible or neutrally shaped, I just find it intriguing which animals are chosen and what they seem to imply. The animals found commonly in designs marketed towards women reinforce their ‘femininity’ – the delicate butterfly, the cute rabbit, the dreamy dolphin and the beaver with its nod and wink to modern slang. Men on the other hand are given robust and masculine animals on their toys, if they’re present at all. You can find a cock ring featuring an elephant, bull or horse to underline the strength and power of the penis, but you’re unlikely to find a vibe sporting the same animals, or aspiring to associate the same qualities with a vagina!

Whilst I understand some may find toys with a non-realistic look a less intimidating way to enter the world of sex toys and that they can be a fun novelty item, they’re also implicitly reinforcing certain gender stereotypes. This is not only reflected in the shapes chosen for some of these items, but also the fact that come in a range of often stereotypical/childish colour palettes – baby pinks or hot pinks, purples, pastels and flecked with glitter. There is nothing at all wrong with having a preference for these colours; it’s simply interesting to note that there are rarely any other options when purchasing inexpensive toys.

It seems that these companies are subtly suggesting that a person’s first foray into sex toys should be when buying a product that echoes the look of a child’s toy, rather than something non-intimidating, well designed and aesthetically pleasing. A cynic may even argue that it harks back to virgin/whore dichotomy, where a woman purchasing a non-realistic, non-intimidating animal shaped vibe in a traditionally feminine colour is less ‘dirty’ or ‘kinky’ than a woman purchasing a realistic cock-shaped dildo. One must still be a ‘lady’ in the bedroom and not be seen to substitute what a ‘real man’ can give her or call his masculinity into question. Of course this narrow minded idea excludes the countless variations on sexuality/gender/sexual preferences that are a modern reality.

However, there are sex toys with a big dose of fun and excitement that don’t have to hark back to cheap, dime store toys, blatantly stereotype their intended market or attempt to be 100% realistic. If you look at Fun Factory’s line of products, many feature different members of the animal kingdom, but are relatively gender neutral and come in colours which go beyond the tired old palette. Similarly, companies like Whipspider also seek to break the mould with creative designs that stimulate you, as well as conversation. I think a large portion of customers, especially the women many ‘entry-level’ toys are marketed at, would prefer to have something in their bedside drawer that reflects their mature tastes and has a hint of sophistication. So, I think it is reasonable to question why such a large slice of the market is dedicated to these types of designs and why they seem to be the most common on the shelves of standard brick and mortar adult stores. I dearly hope that as sex toys become even more integrated into mainstream society that this phenomenon starts to fade away, but until then, I can honestly say I’ll be leaving the glittery, pink teddy bear vibes on the shelves for someone else.

So, over the weekend I was out on the town. I had a few drinks, chatted with some people, danced a bit and generally had myself a good time. I also managed to score myself more sleazy touches and looks than I can count on my fingers. The boob grope as someone pushed past me in line for the bar, a hand trailing across my ass as someone oozed past on the dancefloor, a number of lewd, lingering looks from men twice my age that way surpassed the casual once over. The worst was a wandering hand from a man a good thirty years older than me – it managed to creep up under my skirt for a full blooded ass-cheek cupping grope as I walked past. The saddest part? I’ve come to accept this treatment as par for the course.

Part of the problem is that the touches are fleeting, the alcohol is flowing, it’s dark, crowded and noisy and by the time you’ve registered most of the unwanted attention the culprit is gone. If you do manage to single out the offender you’ll probably also get a lewd grin and a wink for your troubles. ‘You f-ing jerk!’ hissed through gritted teeth or a slap away of the wandering hand doesn’t have quite the same effect as the swift kick to the groin that you might feel like delivering, but what other options do you have? Mostly, I just choose to ignore the incident and save myself the time and trouble.

Some would argue this sort of treatment is flattery and that I’m just getting on my high horse about something that’s been around forever. I understand going clubbing is a bit of a meat market, often you’re there to be noticed and on the prowl for someone yourself, but there is casual appreciation (which is generally welcomed) and there is over-stepping the mark. Yet, the stuff that crosses the line is supposedly still ‘flattery’ because you’ve put yourself out there, dressed in a certain way, decided to imbibe in alcohol or in fact just decided to be at a club for whatever reason. In other words, you were ‘asking for it’. You know what you’re in for and hey they’re red-blooded men, they can’t help it if you’re just there and they just wanted to touch. Never mind that you didn’t give them permission to!

This isn’t to say all men are guilty of this, nor does it happen at all places, but there isn’t really any direct comparison I can make for women’s behaviour towards men. It’s not like a few shots of vodka and some dimmed lights mean that I decide to slip my hand down the pants of the next cute guy that walks past me or try and give his package a bit of a feel to let him know that he’s sexy – no not even if he’s wearing tight jeans that show it off! What gives these strangers the right to grab at my body just because I’m in a certain place? I like to call it the ‘club syndrome’ because of this. I resent that my choice to go out and have a good time inevitably comes with a few guys who decide to get their jollies from touching women inappropriately in situations where they have little choice but to accept such behaviour.

It’s not ok because you’re horny, you’re a man, you’re drunk or you think someone is attractive. For the most part, we can all control ourselves and our behaviours, so being in a club situation no excuse for such actions, especially ones that would be considered so inappropriate elsewhere. Sadly, next time I go out to town, all I can guarantee is that I will behave in a way that’s respectful to my own self-worth and to everyone else, even if I can’t expect to have that respect reciprocated by anyone else.