There have been several posts lately on the topic of rape. Most of the articles aim at getting the issue of rape out into the open as a way of educating the public. I have read more and more about how boys need to realize what they are doing and be taught that rape is wrong.
Personally, I find this somewhat ridiculous. Not rape, as I have very strong feelings against such an act, but the idea that you can “teach” such things.
By the time that boy is old enough to know how to use his penis, he normally either has a set of morals that prevent him from doing such things or his morals are so loose or ungrounded that he has no barriers preventing him from getting what he wants. Rape happens as a means to an end; because of a need, real or imagined. It happens because the rapists perspective is unburdened by morals contrasting to his actions, skewed by some false idea that she is getting what she wants(or deserves), or warped by drugs.
Some men get off on it. They want to hurt you. Whether it’s from misogyny, some deep-seated trauma from their mother, an ex-wife or girlfriend, whatever they are imagining. Hell, some men don’t imagine anything. They relish the feel of power they force on you. This is really the most extreme case, but it happens.
Some men are selfish and want what they want when they want, regardless. They don’t give a damn about you or how you feel. They may sweet talk you, guilt trip you, intoxicate you, or drug you. You don’t have to be conscious. It’s all the same to them. These men I find somehow worse than the above. They don’t consider what they do rape, or themselves committing any crime. By having a skewed sense of right and wrong and putting you in a state of mind where your judgment can be questioned, they free themselves of any guilt.
One of the most significant posts I’ve read refers to every man as a potential rapist. I refer to this post as the most significant because I find it the most relevant and useful idea on the topic of rape. It’s not about what women do that gets them raped. In fact, it is ultimately irrelevant. It doesn’t matter what you look like, what you are wearing, what color you are, if you are thin, if you are fat… It does not matter. Just as there are men who will find you attractive no matter what you look like, what you are wearing, there are men who will rape you.
Women get sexually harassed, pressured and raped in environments that should be considered safe. This happens at home, at work, at school. Implying that they are somehow to blame this behavior in any way is ridiculous.
For the men who get offended by the “every man is a potential rapist” concept, let’s rephrase it in a way in which you can relate. Most men can’t empathize with the idea, horror, and trauma caused by being raped, because it happens less frequently to our sex. Let us look at it this way.
You own a nice car. Imagine your dream car. Jaguar. Porsche. BMW. Whatever. Loaded. Leather interior with custom rims. It was left to you by your uncle who died in a tragic bathroom incident. I hear it was tragic. Dying it a bathroom would have to be, right?
Anyway. You have your dream car. Are you going to lock your doors just in bad neighborhoods? I bet you lock the door in your own damn yard. Then you start thinking that’s not enough. You want to protect something that is so valuable to you, so you invest in a security system. Now if someone you don’t want approaches your vehicle, a siren sounds and a voice says “Step away from my god damn car!” All this to protect a car, but we aren’t actually talking about a car. We’re talking about your sister or your daughter, or any other woman. It doesn’t matter about the circumstances involved. Rape is rape is rape and no always means no.
The idea that boys can be taught not to rape is flawed. I agree that if you are going to influence such behavior you must start at a young age. Morals are built young and rarely change after they are formed. It’s been my experience that such concepts are built not after words or lessons taught, but by example. By showing my sons how I care for my wife, my mother, their sister and how much respect I give them, I help to ingrain that sense of value. As any parent knows, the best laid plans often go awry. I can only give them the best example and advice I can… what they do with it is ultimately up to them.
The sad truth is that as long as there are men and women, there will be rape.

I consider myself a pretty observant person. By that, I mean I take note of other people’s mistakes and try to learn from them. Most evident in my life is the case of my older brother. He got involved in illegal drugs early, around fifteen years old. I was nine when this happened and he was my idol. I saw the person I wanted to be go through hell because of the substances he used and the people he hung out with. He got in fights with my parents; his best friend was killed in a fight; several of his friends committed suicide. I vowed at a young age I would never touch anything that could spiral so uncontrollably out of my hands and damage people I loved. To this day, the only substances I have used are alcohol and cigarettes, though both to moderation.

My mom and dad also had this kind of influence on me. My parents have been married for close to forty years now. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage and theirs was no exception. My dad worked all the time and when he was not working he was fishing, hunting, or working on cars. Mom stayed home and took care of the house. When we first moved to where we live at now, she didn’t have a lot of friends and talked to me about many things. Mom likes to talk, period, and it doesn’t too much matter who’s listening. She would talk about how he wasn’t romantic, wasn’t affectionate to her. I was a quiet observer to their marital spats and issues.

This made me take a hard stance on how I treat women. I’ve always tried to be very affectionate, attentive and considerate. I like to spoil my wife and give her whatever she wants, whether that is a massage, a hot oil bath, or some take-out. I have my own faults to deal with, but I thought I had covered this one by learning from my parents. What I realized is that I was really too young to understand what was going on. All I saw were symptoms, without understanding the cause.

Communication.

My dad is a man of few words and I must admit sometimes I take after him entirely too much. I thought by devoting some extra time and effort to my wife that things would be great. I’m not saying that it doesn’t help, but if I don’t communicate what I want and how I feel or if I don’t ask her what she wants and how she feels then the bond between us deteriorates. Slowly, but surely. It sounds rather simplistic to say, but the best way to keep a marriage or any relationship healthy and happy is to talk to each other. Devote time to each other where nothing else comes between you.

After being married for many years, I’ve experienced some blissful periods of time where it’s truly amazing we could reach such a level of happiness and joy. I’ve also been hurt to the very core of my being and seen that same pain and agony reflected back in my wife’s eyes. It’s a struggle. Relationships require work. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by work, school, or family. All these things pull at you, demanding time and attention; just like any other goal, if you take your eyes off of your relationship long enough, it may not be there when you come back.