So there you are, sitting on your couch, note pad in hand watching the latest installment of Captain Schwanger and His Merry Band of Chubs. Opening act scene three, Little miss Tramplina Crotchgoblin is laid back over the hood of Chuck Twistydick’s shiney new Feraragini 600xyz. Her head stuffed in the hood scoop, her legs stretched to each horizon, and good old Twistydick is buried ears deep in her thighs. Or is he? Nope. He’s got his shiny pink tongue shoved out as far is can go without stretching his spine, he’s got it sharpened to a chisel point and is lapping in the general vicinity of her clit like a methed up gerbil on a water bottle full of liquid crack.

She’s moaning and flailing away like she’s gotten a hold of a champeen pussy licker. Truth is those moans and groans are actually sounds of frustration. The flailing are acts of rage and discontent. Because while this looks great on film, it feels fuckin lousy. If you think that gerbil flickin hamster fuck yer giving her with your rapid fire impersonation of a roto rooter on speed is doing anything for her, if you truly believe that, than I have a few hundred acres of developmental swamp land in Arizona I’ll sell you real cheap.

So, being the kind hearted duck I is, I’m gonna tell you a little about the proper way to eat pussy. Now this is what I refer to as bait. That’s right bait. It’s the kind of lap lickin that will make just about any woman fall in love with you, even if she doesn’t remember your name when you’re done.

First things first, slow the fuck down there Speed Racer, this is NOT a timed event. Longer slower strokes will do more for her. Treat that set of lips just like the ones on her face. Kiss them; long, deep purposeful kisses. Part them tenderly with your tongue and let them know they’re special. Don’t be afraid to suck, seriously suck on her pussy. You want her to give it her all when she’s suckin your dick right? Then be just as enthusiastic about sucking hers. Yeah, her clit is a lot like a miniature dick. Suck it into your mouth, roll it over your tongue. Just like a nipple.

Lick from side to side and in circles. Not with just the tip of your tongue you chicken shit, flatten out your tongue and lap at that thing like you mean it.

Don’t latch onto her clit like life support either. She’s got plenty of pussy to lick. Give the whole thing some attention. It’s a full meal not just a side dish. Enjoy all of it, and she will too.

And, pay attention to her. Listen to her, feel her breathe, pay enough attention and she won’t have to tell you how you’re doing. And don’t be all girly and squeamish, don’t be afraid of kissin the browneye. But more on that some other time…

The moral of the story, for now, is that pussy lickin in porn is not a lesson in how to do it. It’s a good show that looks good for the camera and not much else.

As in mammary. Or suckin’ titties.

By Orgasmo Duck

Ok so as men ( I are one so…) we all know that women have boobs, great glorious mounds of soft coveted flesh (coveted by everyone that don’t have ‘em, that is, including those who have ‘em but don’t think they have enough of ‘em). A particularly spectacular set will give you whiplash and have the potential to send your insurance rates through the roof and your marriage councelor’s kids through law school.

But, are they just a turn on for us? Do women enjoy our enjoyment of their breasts? You bet your ass they do! If, I say if, you pay them the right kind of attention. Now I’m going to try to help the rest of the boob loving population out there by giving them some well needed and little known tips on just what the right attention is.

Let’s start with the visual. Looking at titties is one of lifes greatest joys. Now knockers are not all created equal, yet they will all snap our heads around with equal authority when exposed in unexpected settings. This exposure can be brazen and complete – like a bead winning, party poppin flash of some drunk girl’s cans at Mardi Gras – or the oh so exquisite swim suit malfunction (Miss Jackson if you’re nasty) at a Fourth of July pool party. Keep in mind, fellas, that if you are at that party and you pay them alcohol liberated boobs a little to much attention your old lady is going to create some special fireworks just for you — right along the side of your head.

Done properly, even the most prudish of women won’t be uspet by you simply admiring a set of dirty pillows from across the room. But you have to do it right, you can’t oogle them. You can’t drool or spill your beer. A lingering apreciative look, even a small smile, then move your attention elsewhere. And we all know this really isn’t cutting ourselves short because it’s a scientifically proven fact that the image of bare gazongas takes a mere thousandth of a nano second to be for ever seared into our memory and most likely deposited by wire tranfer to our offshore account in the International Spank Bank. So, yeah, take a second or two to look, then move on. Don’t wolf whistle at her, don’t let out a hornball’s war whoop of ” hell yeah baby!”. Be cool about it.

Passing that low cut mouth wateringly tight blouse in the grocery store that just come out of the frozen food section. Yeah we all know the one. You’ve seen her before on the cover of Hot Rod magazine…or in some beer comercial. But unless you want a box of Twinkies bounced off the back of your head you have to be real smooth about it. Again a lingering look, NOT a stare and for the love of God don’t say anything to her!. But as soon as she’s out of sight, it is ok to mention them to your old lady. Because yes, she saw them too. And if she’ll admit it she probably wondered about how they would taste too.

The pair at the bar you’re dying to bounce around your back seat. Again it’s ok to look, even to get caught looking. ONCE. Yes, let her see you look at them, let it be obvious you like what you see. Then pay attention to the woman they’re wearing. From here yer on your own. Not going to tell you how to get from the bar to Paradise by the Dashboard Light.

But I am going to tell you how to have her enjoying them just as much as you do.

First things first, don’t just attack the palace like an angry mob. Smooth your way in and take the time to follow some other skin around. Once you get around to the breast exam don’t be clinical but do be thorough. Content youself at first with testing the contours outside of her clothing. If you relax you’ll find yourself enjoying this little tantilizing bit of frontal foreplay more than you may think, and it will certainly have her purring. Sex is mental. It’s memory. Frantic groping (but not too frantic) can be nostalgic and remind her of her younger, more innocent days. So don’t be in to big of a rush to plunder the foot hills.
It’s impossible to detail a car with the cover on. Same is true of proper jug inspection and servicing. You will need to get them out in the open so all four of you can breathe. While you may pull the cover off yer hot rod in one migty tug you don’t want…ok you want to do the same with her shirt but you really shouldn’t. She will be more impressed if you use a little finess. Ease them out gently, savor, enjoy and relish each newly exposed inch of that wonderous mountain range of twin Peaks.

Now, touching. Don’t just grab and grope like a farmer inspecting livestock. When you pet the puppies you don’t want it to come off like a dog fight there Mr. Vick. Caress, massage, and manipulate. Gently move them around. Light, tender little kisses. And remember you can kiss more than just the nipple! Speaking of which…oh that little bud, that button of joy. Don’t just latch onto the damn thing and suck like yer pulling on an extra thick cherry shake from the local Cone Shop. Real quickly that’s gonna get uncomfortable for her and make you look like a dipshit on his first tit. Be firm but gentle and do more than suck on it like a single minded leach. Roll it under yer tongue, graze it gently with yer teeth. Let it know you’re there and you mean business. Don’t treat it like the water fountain on the second floor and remember it has a twin! But also remember the twin is a whole different nipple so don’t go over there and repeat the exact same thing you did with the first one, you unoriginal bastard! Be creative! And don’t forget about the rest of the melon! At least one of your hands should be somewhere besides your dork, so why not put it to use on her squishy bits? The point is for her to enjoy your attention just as much as you are enjoying giving it.

So, if you want to win the “award” treat her jugs like the Golden Globes they are. It’s a smorgasbord of feminine flesh, but you have to give props to the host. If you don’t, she’s not likely to invite you back to the buffet.

Finally, a tip for the ladies, the keepers of the holy Grail of flesh. If you want a man to treat your tits like a sumptuous nine course meal with all the trimmin’s don’t worry about the place setting – it’s the dish that counts. He won’t really care so much about the difference between the $125 Vicky’s Secret lacey jug hugger or the 12$ over the shoulder boulder holder from Wal-Mart. What will really get his attention is the scent and the taste. Try sweet, appetizing scents like a few drops of the liqueur from the jar of cherries in the fridge, or maybe some vanilla instead of perfume. A soft sweet smell for your soft sweets that doesn’t taste like chemicals. You’ll really whet his apetite and find yourself in a feast of sweet sensation.