ur doing it wrong
Two years ago my wife and I were having fun at a local pansexual party. We had just stopped to grab some lube so we could start fisting when we overheard someone on the dance floor say “Hah! If you need lube you’re doing it wrong!”
…and with that one sentence he completely killed our sexy vibe
Now, there is something to the idea that if you’re too dry to fuck you might want to try a little more foreplay, but it’s by no means a hard and fast rule.
For example, with fisting! Lube is almost always essential if you’re fisting, even if you self lubricate well. It’s possible to fist without lube, but its much more difficult and the results often aren’t as much fun.
And some people (like my wife and I) are pretty much always going to need lube. We’ve never been very reliably juicy people, so wetness isn’t a good gauge of arousal for us.
But this stranger (loudly) took our need for lube as a clear sign that we weren’t sexually skilled and decided to announce his assessment to the party at large.
Sexy choice? Not so much.
While my wife and I are a fairly unflappable lot, it sometimes takes a lot of courage to fuck at parties like this and an offhand remark like this can tear someone down in a matter of seconds.
Luckily for us, I had better things to do and so we decided to leave it alone, we were definitely shaken and what he said kept popping into our heads throughout the party, interrupting us whenever we’d start getting back into it.
“ur doing it wrong!” is almost unilaterally a judgy statement. It says, “there’s a right way and a wrong way to have sex, and you’re doing it the wrong way”. As women who have sex with women, this statement can cut deep. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been asked “but how could you ever be fulfilled without dick?” or “but then, what you do isn’t real sex, right?” To the first I can always reply with the fact that I have an ample strap on collection, but the second is more difficult to respond to.
For better or for worse, Bill Clinton has cemented in our minds a myth that’s been growing for a while that penis + vagina is sex, and everything else foreplay. Now, I’ve got nothing against penis + vagina sex. In fact, it’s pretty fucking awesome! But the judgment and devaluing of everything else that isn’t penis + vagina sex makes me sad because it devalues relationships (like most of mine) that are based primarily in everything but penis + vagina sex.
It’s the same myth that fuels the misconception that two women playing together are lonely and must be looking for male attention. This goes doubly so if its a femme-femme couple (because absence of a manly presence clearly means that something is missing). “Ur doing it wrong” pointed at us carries with it the baggage of having so many people assume what we do isn’t real sex and (therefore) our sexual identity isn’t as valid as heterosexual identity.
Cut me though it did, the “ur doing it wrong” joke did me some good. I began examining how I use the phrase… and I was using it a lot more than I thought I was. I run in a fairly tight group of kinksters, and one of the ways we make ourselves feel better about the fact that we’re “perverted” is by knocking vanilla sex as boring, unimaginative, and missing something.
oops…
(perspective is sometimes a bitch)
I’d been doing the same kind of judging on other people that had hurt us so deeply and I didn’t even know it.
It’s easy to judge other peoples sexuality, and it feels good. Belittling other people’s sexual tastes and techniques makes us feel better about our own sexual tastes and skill, and even though our society seems obsessed with sex, we’re a fairly sexually insecure bunch. Its no surprise, what with the myth that if someone is “the one” you’re supposed to “just click”. We have VERY few role models for sexual education and communication, which becomes more interesting when you consider that we’re increasingly realizing that diversity is the only sexual norm.
(and I don’t know about you, but I’m far more confident of my verbal communication skills than my psychic abilities)
I don’t think we should feel guilty for laughing at such jokes, but I do think it’s absolutely necessary that we temper it with an open mind for other people’s sexual tastes… especially if you’re at a pansexual sex party.
By oliver Hyde
Read morePart Time Transsexual
oliverHyde
I have body image issues, but they’re not what you might think.
I am genderqueer, and a very gender-fluid genderqueer at that. There are some days where I feel like a girl, some days where I feel like a boy, and some days where I feel in between.
The days where I feel like a girl kind of rock because it so happens my body is biologically female. These days are the easiest because I don’t have to do anything to make my body match how I feel inside. It comes that way! Woo-hoo!!! Girly bits for the win!
But then there are just as many (and often more) days when I definitely feel like a boy. Generally I feel like a pretty feminine boy, but I definitely feel like I’m supposed to have a male body. These days are pretty damn frustrating.
Even though I have smallish breasts, it’s really hard to get them flat enough to feel like a male chest. An ace bandage can get them perfectly flat, but at the expense of being able to breathe. This also creates awkwardness during sex because sometimes the binder is way too uncomfortable to wear during play, but when I feel like a guy, having boobs in the bedroom feels very, very unsexy to me. Too unsexy to justify stripping down, even if I’m sweating and can’t breathe right.
also have a very light build. I have about as much muscular bulk as Johnny Weir. Add that to the fact that I have very pretty girl hips and you’ve got a problem. Even on days where I feel like I pass fairly well, my small build is a HUGE tip off that I’m biologically female. Layering clothing (and skinny jeans) do a pretty good job of hiding my curves, but when I try to fuck in all that clothing it gets silly really fast. It’s hard to feel sexy when I’m essentially trying to hide from my own skin.
also, it’s weird to have girly bits
I have a pretty awesome soft pack that does an amazing job of making me feel like I have the dick that I feel like I should have (It even passes grope-tests!) but it’s not like having a real cock. It won’t get hard on its own and I can’t even it to pee. In my head, this is kind of the bare minimum that my cock should be able to do. I also have a great deal of frustration with the fact that I can’t jizz with my strap on. It feels really weird to me that it doesn’t cum when I do… also that my strap on will stay hard for hours. If you’re using a strap-on as a stand-in for a real cock, it’s kind of creepy if it stays hard after hours of play. Handy, sure… but it’s one more thing that separates what it feels like what I should have and what I have to work with.
The days where I feel in-between male and female are sometimes easier, but sometimes they’re not. It’s a lot easier for me to present androgyny than it is to present male… but sometimes the in between days have an awkwardness of their own because its hard for my partners to know how to interact with my body. Sometimes I feel in between and my chest/girlybits are completely off-limits, and sometimes they’re not. Sometimes I don’t even know if a part of me is going to be a no-touch-zone until its been messed with. It’s a lot more complicated than just being stone because when my female-girl-lady bits do work, they’re GREAT! When they don’t, it’s hell.
It’s really hard to feel sexy in your body when it feels like the wrong one, and for me it’s not as simple as changing it to the other sex. I actually love my hips, breasts, and light frame… half of the time. The other half of the time they feel wrong on my body… like they should be on someone else’s. But since I only feel this way part-time getting top surgery and hormone therapy likely wouldn’t fix my problem so much as change it. It’s a very awkward place to be. I’m not FTM… although I have a lot in common with other FTMs, it’s more like I’m an FT? or an FTM/F… or maybe I’m just a part-time transsexual.
But it’s also not all bad. Living on the borderlands can be very fun. Being gender fluid has opened up a much wider selection of play partners (and role-play scenarios!) for me. I can flirt with lots of different orientations and genders because I can present pretty much any gender. I also feel like I’m more approachable to people who want to venture outside of their usual orientation because I’m not quite completely anything. Not sure if you like dick or pussy? Try it on me first. I brought both. So long as folks are willing/prepared to work with me and my body image issues, fucking with my gender can be really, REALLY fun.
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