Emotionally and mentally abusive. That’s a string of words that I thought I would never pair together. However, it took a good friend of mine, and an hour of crying, to realize exactly what was going on.

My daily routine, over the last two years of dating my ‘boyfriend’, has evolved into an affectionate void. Emotionally, he has checked out and it is quite obvious. When I need him, he shuns me. He doesn’t like to kiss me; he doesn’t like to hug me. This is just how he behaves. He would come home, get onto his computer, and I would be lucky to have ten sentences spoken to me for the rest of the night. I would ask him to go do something with me, and he would give me some lame excuse as to why he could not do it.

It was one day after another, and I suppose that I retracted on myself and began not to notice these things. It was just like someone who was suffering from Stockholm syndrome. When we fought he ingrained it into my head that every problem that we had was because of me. That my ‘issues’ were the source of all of our problems. If I brought up anything about him, then he ‘knew all of his problems’, and did not want to talk about it. Sooner or later, I just started to give in. I became the ‘housewife’ and ‘motherly figure’ that he wanted around the house, on top of working full time and going to college full time.

When I tell you that we fought, he would blame his inability to perform in the bedroom on the fact that during the summer I had gained weight due to severe depression after my father died. He would tell me that I was fat, that I was ugly. Soon enough, I just started to believe that too. It was incredibly hard to realize, incredibly hard to deal with.

Then I had my best friend move in with my boyfriend and me. She lived with us for only two weeks before one day, while I was emotionally upset, she brought forward, “Why are you really upset about this?” And then it all came falling down. She lived with us two weeks, and she pegged the nail on the head about what my boyfriend was doing to me. She let me get all of my frustration out. Then she went on to tell me, “You tell me you’re an Alpha Female, but looking at how you behave at home because of him, you’re really not. I know this isn’t the real you.”

Suddenly, everything that my other friends were trying to tell me made sense. Let me tell you, that when all of your good friends do not like who you are dating, there is a reason behind it. Mine certainly didn’t like my current significant other.

You might ask yourself now, what I decided to do about this situation. I slowly but surely began to do the exact thing that he did to me. When he tried to be affectionate, I would pull away. When he tried to tell me I was wrong about something, I began to slowly assert myself. Lo and behold, he no longer uses me as the doormat that he once did. Things are slowly but surely improving. For instance, since the beginning of December, I was extremely ill. I had an infection that turned into Bronchitis. I couldn’t sleep in our bed because when I laid down I coughed so much it was impossible for me to fall asleep. So, I went downstairs and laid down on the couch with my big comforter. I asked my ‘boyfriend’ to cover me up because I wasn’t warm enough. He got up and went and found three more blankets, and wrapped me up with them like a cocoon. Then, when I was supposed to take him to the city to see his sister who was going in for surgery, he told me that he didn’t want me making the trip. He stated that he would just take the train because I was sick, and he knew I didn’t like driving in the city.

I can’t say that we’ll end up staying together. We probably won’t. All that I can say at this time about the situation is that it is starting to improve. I still find myself at times going back into my old routine, but thankfully I have a wonderful best friend who kicks my ass out of it again. The road to recovery when in a relationship like this one isn’t an easy road. If you have ever known someone who is in this type of situation, it is a lot different than someone who was physically abused.

To some of you who might read this blog entry, what I’ve stated here may not sound like it is that horrible of a situation, let alone emotionally or mentally abusive. I could go in depth with how this relationship is/was that way, but I would prefer to skim the surface as I find myself still recovering from the after effects.

I would like to take the time to tell anyone who may feel they are, or have been told that they are, in a situation similar to mine, that you either need to change it or get out of it. They will either change, or they will continue doing what they have been doing to you. If I could tell you how many times I wept myself to sleep, drowning my pillow in my tears because of how I was treated by the very person who claimed that they loved me, I couldn’t tell you the number. No one should have to live through a situation like that. It isn’t healthy, and the scars that it could leave on you would last for many years to come.

Thinking back on everything that my ‘boyfriend’ told me, and accused me of, and treated me like, I would have to say that I would have rather been beaten every day instead. Bruises and black eyes, those will fade. Scars left deep within your emotions and mind take many more years to recover from, not to mention they affect your ability to be in a happy, healthy relationship later on. If he physically abused me I could have lived with that a lot better. I can handle physical pain. When it comes to emotional strife, it makes me miserable.

Relationships are a give and take situation. They are a 100% compromise. If one side is demanding all the compromising, and the other is doing all the ‘giving in’, then all you can do is assume that the relationship is not a healthy one.

Ladies, Gentlemen…There are more fish in the sea. If someone decides that they are going to treat you in any other way than how you wish to be treated, then they are not worth it. Cast them aside like a ‘baby fish’ and keep going.

Second life is a vast game, with many different places to explore. It is used for fun, recreation, and even for educational purposes. I remember for one of my classes, I had to build a virtual Harlem. It was a very fun, exciting experience to build something that other people from my university would experience. Yet, my own personal favorite is role playing.

One of the largest role playing themes on SL (Second Life) is Gor. Gor was written by John Norman, and is a world based in fantasy. A world ruled by men. There are free men, and free women, slaves, also known as kajira (female), kajirus (male), bondmaids (female slaves of Torvaldsland, Gor’s equivalent to Scandinavia), thralls, and beasts. There are also the wild women of the forests, the Panther girls, and the brave Taluna of the jungles.

Unfortunately, Gor receives very bad reviews because of SL. Many Gorean sims that claim to be role playing sims are in reality, lifestyle sims. Often people in these sims, have no respect for the players of the characters. They don’t respect player limits, and often spill in character things that are out of character. People also do not understand what the meaning of Gor is. Looking at the real world subjectively, elements of Gor can be seen in different world societies.

For instance, looking at the veiled free women of Southern Gor, and then the veiled free women of the Middle East. Both live under strict rules, and are not allowed to show their face to anyone but their husbands. However, in Northern Gor, free women are not required to cover their faces. They have a bit more leeway in their actions and dress, but they are still required to fully cover their bodies. They hold jobs that pertain to women, sewing and the like, and have bairn (children). They are the Lady of their house, but they are still second to their husbands. Sounds a little like the early 1900s. Doesn’t it?

Many people will judge things by appearances, instead of looking for deeper meanings. I had a professor that taught us one day, that appearances are not always what they seem. We entered class, and went through a small presentation. Several men and women entered. The women were barefoot, and the men were not. The women knelt on the floor and hand fed the men. For all intents and purposes, it would appear that women in the presentation were regarded almost as slaves. The presentation was over, and many of us were very upset and confused. We told our professor that we felt that the women in the presentation were considered low in society, and almost as slaves. He then quickly corrected all of us by telling us that in the society that we just saw, women were actually the most important. That the society believed in Gaia, Mother Earth. Since women gave birth, they were highly regarded, just as Mother Earth gave birth to man and woman. They knelt to be closer to Gaia, for this same reason, they were also barefoot. The women hand fed the men because the men were unfit to touch the food Gaia gave them. This truly has little to do with Gor. However, it serves the purpose of explaining why one should not judge things by appearances.

I cannot speak much for the kajirae of the south. However, with the bondmaids of the north, I have to say that even though they are slaves, they actually can find true freedom within a collar. A little crazy, isn’t it? Being a slave, but being truly free? Yes. Bondmaids are indeed subjected to being the servants of men and women, filling their every need. However, bondmaids are fully expected not to be afraid of their sexuality. They are very sexual creatures. They are also not required to hide their emotions as Free women are. They are not to be ashamed of seeing another naked body.

Others will believe that Gor is all about sex. While sex is, indeed, a part of Gor, it was more about the fight and trials of the characters who were trying to survive in a very harsh world. By the Book, Gor is in no way a Disneyland playground. A simple wish would be for people to understand what the world John Norman wrote was about, before making harsh decisions. It was to accent the evils of our own society. But instead of simply writing about them, he took them and put them into a fantasy world, with fantasy characters. It was to make people think deeper about what the meanings behind the positions the people of Gor held, instead of just glancing at it and saying it was a sexist world.

As I mentioned, many Gorean sims are not “by the book”. They tend to go with whatever they wish, or what makes sense to them. However, I am very happy to have been brought to the sim I play in, by a long time friend of mine, Branwyn. She created the sim to be a “by the book” true Gorean sim. She named it Ironhall, a “Land in Northern Gor”. The sim is heavily based off the Marauders book, and they often refer to it to explain things within the world. I loved the sim the moment I saw it. It is magnificent, nine-sims wide, with a very original Gorean shape and design. I was even more thrilled to meet the people there. Even though the men, or “Jarls”, are hard-asses in RP, they are very nice, respectful people out of character. It really is a lot different than other sims. If there are any problems, Branwyn handles them very swiftly. She always does her best to be fair to all parties involved. With that said, when a severe problem arises, she is always the first to take the harsh road to protect the parties involved. I have known her for three years, from another role playing game she ran, and was very happy to find that she was running another game.

My first day in Ironhall as a bond was rather interesting. I have rped in Gor for four years, the majority of that time playing a Panthergirl, one of the wild, bow-weilding women of the Northern Forest. To my surprise, I ran into one of the old people I had role played with years ago. They battled wits back and forth for a time, and it ended with my character saying something along the lines of “If I was still the Panther you used to know, you wouldn’t be breathing right now.” Needless to say, it ended with my character being whipped.

Ironhall uses the “Nutr-Life System”, or NLS. This system gives a hud attatchement that allows for storage of items that can be made or cooked. It also has a health and hunger meter. It makes the sim more realistic because you can do things that you would normally do in real life. Milking a bosk (a cow like creature), gathering corn, making flower, cooking food, the whole nine yards. It really is a lot of fun.

Once a week, they hold an OOC dance that has random themes. It gives everyone a chance to kick back and relax, and a chance to wear something other than Gorean clothing. It is a great amount of fun, and Branwyn always contracts a great DJ for it. There are also many OOC classes that help in learning about Gor, and a book reading every week. Did I mention the book reading? Yes, I did. The man who does the book reading every week has a really hot accent.

I was able to sit down with Branwyn and ask questions about the sim. My first question was, “What is Gor to you, Branwyn? Everyone seems to have their own idea of what it is about … What are your personal feelings on it?”

She responded, “To answer that question, I have to answer it in context. What is Gor to me in Second Life, is a very different question than what is Gor from a philosophical stand point as a person who has been a lifestyler. Gor, to me in the context of Second Life, is a relatively decent fiction that can be enacted for role-play enjoyment. I do not involve myself in the lifestyle aspect of Gor on Second Life, I do not think Second Life is a safe enough environment to engage in lifestyle activities. I don’t think any online community is, to those who are lifestylers, I think it should be part of our first life, not our second. However with that said … As a fiction, that has a wonderful wide range of cultures and interaction, depth and creativity, it is one of the best “world fictions’ that can be implemented to act as a foundation for creativity. Exactly what role-players are looking for. Gor as a fiction has it all; conflict, kinship, politics, brother-hood, clearly defined roles, variations in religion and belief, but even more so … it offers an option for EPIC role-play that is not restricted to the single ‘hero’ of a story, like Tolkien does.”

I really enjoyed her response. My next statement and question was, “That was very lovely, Branwyn. It seems you feel very passionately about Gor roleplay. What inspired you to make Ironhall, and have it be a Northern village?”

Branwyn responded, “I have always been drawn to two different cultures in fantasy and historic role-play, they are Arabic/Bedouin and Viking/Celtic. I have been playing these two cultures for the better part of 20 years, and enjoy them equally. Interestingly, I find them to have some of the same core philosophies that ‘turn me on’ about role-play. Unity of clan or tribe, deep tradition, strength of
personality, and a deep sense of individual honor. I tried to do a Tahari (Arabic Gor) group, but the interest for it is simply not there. And role-players WANT an audience, and that means drawing enough players to keep them interested. Consequently, when the Tahari group did not get off the ground, moving to Torvaldsland (Viking Gor) was the logical choice for me. Southern (or I should say Middle) Gor is too ‘roman’, too ‘city’ for the kind of close knit community I want to be a part of. For me, it is not just enough to have a tight OOC (out of character) community of friends, but also that the role-play overtones be about kinship and brotherhood. I believe this is one of the great -hearts- of good role-play communities, the kind of place that draws like minded individuals to, to be a part of something greater and larger than themselves. We as humans on earth, are becoming more and more disconnected from our families and villages, I think many of us hunger for that connection. To do this, to offer that kind of home to people, I needed to select a fiction that had this already integral to the world.”

“That’s a very wonderful reason to create a sim like this. I am very happy that you did. I know I personally enjoy it there very thoroughly. With you having said that, what do you believe sets Ironhall apart from other Gorean sims?” I inquired.

Branwyn thought a few moments, before responding, “It would be sheer arrogance to assume that we are so different than other sims in some important way that I could ‘claim’ to have the secret to, so I must then simply mention the various things that I think attribute to the differences. First, I would suggest that Bane and I (the sim owners) come from a strong role-play background outside of Gor. We cut our teeth running role-play communities of very different fictions and precepts. We are, role-players at heart, and while we enjoy some of the philosophical aspects of Gor in our real lives, to us, we approach Gor in Second Life from the point of view of a role-player. That means focusing on ‘Respect’ between role-players, encouraging sportsmanship over ‘winning’. It means treating all of our players equally, regardless of their role in the world of Gor. It means fostering a friendly OOC environment, that encompasses new players who want to learn. Patience and support ooc, combined with brotherhood and unity IC, is what I believe has made Ironhall a place that other role-players wish to be apart of.”

Overall, I was very surprised, pleasantly surprised even, to find Ironhall. It does give a much better prospect and atmosphere to role play in. I do agree fully with Branwyn when she states that Second Life, or any online venue, is not a safe place to practice being a “lifestyler”. However, there is no harm in role playing, and it can even be a lot of fun. Just as you do with anything in real life, online, people must protect themselves, and ensure that they are safe from harm.

I have lived the larger part of my life with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. The first showing of this disorder was called “shell-shock”, with soldiers who’ve gone off to war. Over the years, shell shock has been researched, and it has been discovered that many people suffer from it. Thus, it has been named PTSD.

My story about how I came to have PTSD is one that I haven’t shared with many up until this point. But, I am going to share it with you, in the hopes you might come to understand what it is like living with PTSD. My PTSD started when I was six years old. I was sexually molested by two people as a child. One was my best friend’s older brother. Any time we were alone, he would grab on me, or touch me inappropriately. There were several occasions where he grabbed my hand and forced me to give him a handjob. This carried on for two years, and only ended when he and my best friend moved away.

The second was my older brother. He lived with my grandmother and grandfather. There would be times when he would force a kiss onto me, throwing his tongue down my throat. He too, found pleasure in touching me when he had the chance. As we grew older, there were several times where he tried to hold me down and rape me. My older sister lived with him, and it makes me sick to even think of what he did to her.

The most fucked up part of it all was my grandmother knew about it. She did nothing to stop it. He was her precious grandson, and he could never do any wrong. If my grandpa had known, he would have put a stop to it. But he was always at work when it happened, and she always kept her mouth shut.

For a long time, several years, my coping method was to simply forget about it. Yet, it was there in my subconscious, and it affected my life greatly. I was not comfortable around anyone who was male. Not even my own father. For years I jumped away when he tried to hug me. It felt awful, not even trusting my own father to hug me.

Why didn’t I, or any of the other girls in our neighborhood, go to our parents about the molestations? Because we were never told it was wrong. It was a small town that we grew up in, where child molestation was simply unheard of. Our parents regret it now.

I didn’t start having the flashbacks until I was older. When I was eleven, the brother of my childhood best friend came walking into a friend’s house, and that triggered it. I hadn’t seen him since he moved when I was eight, and the trauma came flooding back. Since then, numerous things have set it off.

Many people will say that your sexuality (lesbian, gay, bi, transgender) is something that you are born with. I agree with this fully. I also believe that it can also evolve out of childhood experiences. I am bisexual, and I believe that’s because of my negative experiences with the male gender as a child. I had a bond and an attraction to the female gender until I was 16. I didn’t date boys at all. I started dating my friend Christina when I was 12, and continued to until I was 18. We had sex when we would have our sleepovers, and no one ever knew. It was great while it lasted. When I turned 16 she and I both started dating men. They didn’t know that she and I were dating too, and looking back, I probably shouldn’t have kept that a secret. We all do things we regret in our lives. I was a closet bisexual for many years because I was afraid of the torment I would be put through if I was found out. This was the same fear that I had while I was a teenager about sharing my sexual abuse.

I am not a parent. At least, I am not one yet. I do plan on having kids one day, and when I do, I am going to make sure I tell them what my parents didn’t tell me. I want my kids to know that having someone else touch them in their “naughty bits”, or in any way that makes them feel uncomfortable, is not acceptable. Growing up with PTSD because of being molested as a child is not a good feeling. It affects how you interact with other people, who may not understand what happened to you or what you are going through. No child should ever have to go through what I did, or what others have.

I mentioned that my parents never told me that molestation was wrong. Molestation was honestly the least of their worries, having grown up in a very different time than I did. My mother is currently 65, and my dad, may he rest in peace, died last year at 73. I was not born late in my mother’s life, I was adopted by my grandparents on my birth mother’s side. I went straight home from the hospital to my adopted mother’s arms, and they have been mother and father ever since. So please do not think harshly of them for not worrying about the molestation that happened to me when I was younger. It was simply a misunderstanding of the times, and it was something they never expected.

That wasn’t the only trauma in my life that caused me to get PTSD. When my father passed away in May of 2010, he had been fighting stage four lung cancer for two and a half years. He spent four days in bed dying. I was there with him parts of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, but I would have to return to campus in the evenings. His passing happened at a horrible time, as deaths usually do. I was in the process, at the time he took his death bed, of moving out of my campus apartment. And my boyfriend was trying to move out of Lenexa Kansas. The real topping on the whole cake was the fact that it was finals week at college. The end of that week was my Dagorhir, or medieval type reenactment, as well.

I received a call from my mother around 12:30 am Tuesday morning, May 4th. I knew what had happened before I even picked up the phone. I don’t believe that I have ever in my life cried as hard as I did that night. My boyfriend, Eric, was there with me. He took me over to a friends house, where we sat up until four am drinking coffee and talking. At nine am that day I had a final, the University I attend wouldn’t let me reschedule my finals, so I was forced to either throw away a semester of college, or tough it out and take them. I spent Tuesday night in my house for the first time with Eric. Wednesday brought another final and that evening was my father’s visitation. We met at my sister’s house. Where my just so lovable sister pulled me a side and told me if I lost it and started crying, or did anything to upset my mother, she would see to it that I didn’t even attend my father’s funeral. So, I bottled all of my emotions up and threw them away, in order to be the leaning rock for the rest of my family, because none of them were handling my father’s death very well.

Thursday was the funeral. It was small, but it went by very easily, despite my family crying and needing me to be their rock. I hugged them and told them it would be alright, that nothing was their fault, and that Dad still loved them. That, even now, our father was still watching over them. After the funeral we had a family dinner, and then it was off to my Dagorhir event. I proceeded to spend the next four days lost in the woods, completely drunk out of my mind. That was how I dealt with it.

But I didn’t really deal with it. I kept everything bottled up. I stopped taking care of myself. I soon lost my job, and was without work for three months. In that time frame I gained weight, chopped my hair off, and was steadily going downhill. It took a good kick in the ass from Eric to get me to realize what I was doing to myself.

Even now, months later, I still have nightmares about my father’s death. I beat myself up daily for not having been there for him when he passed. Let me tell you, watching a person as they die is not a pretty sight. Especially when their lungs are shutting down, making it so they can barely breathe, and you know they are in pain. It is a sight I hope I never have to witness again in my life.

Overcoming PTSD is a very long, emotionally draining process. There are medications that help manage the symptoms of PTSD, and are usually paired with therapy. There are many symptoms that come with having PTSD. Some of them include: very upsetting memories of events, flashbacks, nightmares, the feeling of distress and despair when reminded of the trauma, and other more physical reactions to the events. Physical reactions can include: a pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, and even sweating.

Many people with PTSD will avoid, or become numb to, things that remind them of the trauma. Many times they’ll avoid certain activities, places, or even thoughts in their brains. Sometimes they can’t remember the important aspects of the trauma. A person who suffers from PTSD can also lose interest in activities and life in general. They may develop a detachment from others and be emotionally void. In even more extreme cases, people will think that their future is limited. No normal life span, never get married, or even have a career, are some of the ways that people with PTSD limit their futures. Other symptoms of PTSD might be insomnia or difficulty staying asleep. They also may be irritable, or have random outbursts of anger. PTSD can also cause difficulty with concentrating, being “hyper-vigilant”, or being jumpy and easily startled. Even though I have received therapy for my PTSD, I still suffer from being jumpy, a pounding heart, rapid breathing, nightmares, flashbacks, and insomnia.

One of the main problems with PTSD is that those who have it will ignore it. They won’t recognize that they have a problem. PTSD is just like an addiction. You cannot get better, or overcome it, until you acknowledge that there is a problem in the first place. Many people choose not to acknowledge it because of several reasons. Some think that they will not be understood by those they go to for help. Others believe that if they are diagnosed with it they will be persecuted, or even fired from work. Neither of these are true. Disability laws have been modified to include mental disabilities too.

Those who suffer from PTSD also worry about what the world outside of their inner circle will think of them. There are many people in the world who don’t understand just how disabling a mental disability can be. So PTSD victims are afraid of being persecuted by their fellow peers because of it as well. Those who do not have PTSD, or any other mental disability, do not understand how it intrudes on the life of someone who does have these issues, because it is not a physical disability that they can visualize.

I am an avid online role player. If there is an RPG out there, chances are I have at least tried it. In one situation, I was playing a character that entered a molestation/rape roleplay with another character. When it began it started to trigger my PTSD, causing horrible flashbacks and worse. I finally pulled the player of the other character aside. I told them I would no longer continue the role play with the characters because I have PTSD, and that it triggered it. The next thing I knew, I had this other player emotionally abusing me over backing out and not wanting to do it. I had to block them on my messenger because they had me crying hysterically. They did not understand why I couldn’t do this role play with them, or anything else about PTSD in general. There are some pompous assholes out there that will treat you like the scum of the earth because you won’t do what they want you to. It is their flaw for being so uneducated, not yours for refusing to make yourself relive a trauma that happened to you, just to suit their pathetic needs.

In the three months that I had no work, I could not go out in public. If I did, it was for a very short amount of time. And if it was any longer than I planned, I would literally go into a state of panic. My blood pressure would rise, my heart thundered against my chest so hard that it was painful. I would feel dizzy, get sick to my stomach, and feel like I was in an enclosed room with tons of people. I am not the only person who has felt this. When I was working at Walmart, I had someone walk by that looked like my best friend’s older brother who molested me. I was in the Deli slicing meat, and it sent me into a panic, causing me to have a flash back. While having said flash back, I cut off a small part of the tip of my thumb with a meat slicer. Not a pleasant experience, let me assure you. It makes it hard to work every day, because I don’t know when I’ll have a flashback, or when another symptom will arise. However, I am a stubborn ass, I refuse to apply for disability. I couldn’t sit around all day in my house because I would go crazy.

PTSD is not something that should be ignored. If you fear you may have PTSD, and you suffer from the symptoms I listed, on any level of intensity or frequency, you should seek help. Living your life with the pain and suffering you went through every day, in the form of PTSD, is no way to live a life. I have lived the majority of my life untreated, because I only started receiving treatment after I turned 20. It isn’t a pleasant experience, and it will hinder the way you live your life. You may not realize it now, but down the road it will become clear what aspects of your life are affected by having PTSD.

If you are afraid you can’t afford the treatment you need, there are many programs that can help you. I don’t have any insurance, but I was able to get myself free help through Pathways because of my income. I pay for my medications, but that is a small price to pay compared to the cost of therapy sessions. You are not alone, and there are people who want to help you.

If, by chance, you took the time to read this, but do not suffer from PTSD or any other mental disability, I hope you can understand the limitations it puts on one’s life. That, while listening to me rant, you have learned at least a little about PTSD, including some of the causes of it, and what to do if you suspect a loved one or a family member to have PTSD.

My fonder hope with sharing my story, is to raise awareness of child molestation. It is one of those topics where you tend to “preach to the choir” again, but it is a subject that not enough could ever be said about it. It is among one of the most horrifying, life altering experiences that you can go through as a child. I hope that there will be a day where no child has to go through what I had to growing up.

Being a college student, I find myself amidst many lovely, thoughtful, and encouraging conversations. I have found that my professors, for the larger part of my academic career so far, have been very wonderful, and intelligent people. They have been great pillars to lean on during my college years thus far. However, I’m afraid that I cannot say such for my Literature professor this semester.

I had the displeasure of wearing my new Herringbone collar to class one day, and have my teacher decide to go off on a tangent about sadomasochism. He openly declared in the middle of class that everyone who is a sadist, or a masochist, is mentally ill. He took it one step further to say that everyone who is a sadomasochist, is not only mentally ill, but that they “all” want to murder, rape, or beat someone half to death to receive sexual gratification. In all honesty, he really made himself look like an ass. After thinking about this for some time, I realized that it isn’t just my professor who views it that way.

My second class that day was my Educational Psychology class. This one contained no discussion on sadomasochism or anything of the like. However, when I tried to talk to my professor after class, he completely avoided eye contact with me. He seemed very uncomfortable, and hurried through what I needed to talk to him about, and then took great strides to get down the hall ahead of me. I can’t help but feel like he was trying to do a psychological profile on me without even talking to me. To be honest, it made me really uncomfortable. Though, it isn’t going to stop me from wearing my collar any time I want to. It’s my life, not theirs. In these situations you really have to be able to stand up for yourself. If you don’t, your just going to be used as a door mat. I’ll be damned if I’m going to ever let anyone walk all over me like that. I spent a good portion of my teens being told by everyone, who I was and what I was going to do. I won’t tolerate that any longer. I am my own person. Just as you are your own person too.

Now that I’ve bashed enough of my professors, I’d like to make an honorable mention of one in particular that has always been open minded. Around campus he’s known as “Dr. Love”. He has definitely been, over the years, the student advocate to the University against issues. In the 70’s, he protected the students during riots, and disagreed with the University denying them their right to protest. These days he teaches classes on diversity and acceptance. He really is an extraordinary man, and the good he has done with his life is outrageous. He reminds me of being just an old hippie. Long grey hair, sunglasses, and wears flip-flops all year round. When it’s cold, he’ll wear regular shoes and change them out as soon as he gets into his class room. He also paints his toenails, which makes it fun to see what sort of color, or design, he has on for that day. He is the one teacher on campus that I know if I go to with a problem, like the one I’ve had with my previously mentioned professors, will understand.

The media seems to go out of its way to portray sadomasochists, such as myself, as “evil beings” who only wish to “hurt others”. Take “Criminal Minds” for example. Almost every show makes mention of “sexual sadists” when it comes to murder. The media’s idea of sadists and masochists does not do any sort of favor to our plight. If the time was spent, there are many more examples of sadism and masochism being shown in a very negative light that can be found, everywhere.

Sexual sadism and masochism is very misunderstood in our society. Being a sadist, or a masochist, or both, should not automatically classify you as a mentally ill person who is in danger of harming others. At least in ways they won’t like. I have never hurt another person during sex who did not like pain, and did not want pain. Nor have I ever nearly beat them to death in doing so. However, when you try to voice your opinion on the matter, you are automatically described as someone who is mentally unstable.

I wish that there was a way that we could educate people about being into “S and M”. Then again, I suppose it’s just the new big fad for people to “hate” on. Look at history. There has always been one group or another who’ve been persecuted because of either religious beliefs, sexuality, or race. Now that being gay/lesbian/transgender/bisexual is more acceptable, and people are beginning to understand it, they have to find something else that they feel is “out-right wrong”. I would love to say that one of these days, the world is going to be an accepting, loving world. That no matter what your difference is from the next person, you will be treated and respected as you would like to be. Sadly, this isn’t true. There will always be that human reaction to differences, that creates such situations like the one I had in my class room.

I am not ashamed of being a sadomasochist. It is something that I enjoy thoroughly. Despite what any sort of teacher, the media, or psychiatrist says, I find nothing wrong in being so. Everyone is different in their own way, and as long as it does not ruin the life of another, we should be left alone with our differences. Human nature is to not accept change, or differences. However, it is the changes in our lives, and our differences, that make us an original, diverse group of people. Without those changes, and differences, we would be a “black and white” sort of people, plain and not entertaining.

There is also a lot of propaganda when it comes to being a “Dominant” or a “submissive” person. It seems to be the general consensus outside of the BDSM community, that if you are a submissive person, you are so because you have been abused and beaten down into that position by your significant other. There are of course, situations where this does happen. These are not generally healthy relationships. If you are a submissive person, and are in a situation where you are being beat relentlessly by the person you think you love, you should take yourself out of that situation. It isn’t healthy. In a healthy Dom/me and sub situation, you should never have to fear for your life. You should be able to trust your Dom/me, and know that they will never brutally hurt you.

People don’t understand the amount of respect and trust that is contained in a Dom/me/me/sub situation. A submissive will always have their own mind, actions, and limits. They are in this position because they want to be, not because they were forced to be.

Being a dominant person, or a submissive person, is built into each person’s intended nature. Having that be part of your nature isn’t something you think of very often. But it is, just like everything else is. There are many times, however, that you cannot tell if a person is a submissive. Many tend to put on personas to hide themselves from people who are truly mentally ill, such as those who rape, murder, and nearly beat people to death. There are many walls we put up to protect who we truly are from people who wish to hurt us. I do not wish to say that there are not these types of people in the “S and M” society, because there are. However, it is only a very small portion of our society. Yet, because we have these types of people in our society, they are the only ones that get the limelight, and are exposed to the Vanilla Society. This creates fear and panic, resulting in negative feelings.

I am neither a Dom/meme, or a sub. I find myself to be more of a switch. There are some people who I am Dom/me-inant to the core with. Then, there are others where I find myself in the submissive role. With being a switch, I’ve learned how things are on both sides. I know what is comfortable for me as a submissive, and I know how far I can push as a Dom/meme. When it comes to “S and M”, Dom/me/me and sub, being consensual, being safe, and being sane is a must. Trust and respect are very important factors, and relationships can be often ruined by the lack of the three things previously mentioned. No one wants to ruin a good relationship. It just takes good communication, and the ability to let the other partner know what is too much, or too hard.

Since I am a switch, and a bisexual, many people claim that I just “can’t make up my mind”. Perhaps this is true, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love a broad range of experiences, and the only way for me to have that broad range is to be a switch, or be a bisexual. Being a switch still includes me in the BDSM community, just as being bisexual includes me in the LGBT community. There have been people that have told me in the past that I do not count in either community, because of my stances in them. Are they right? Hardly. Again, those who do not understand, or do not know, will pass judgments that they believe are right, even if they are wrong.

Vanilla society has many fears about the Dom/me/me and sub society. People have a tendency to fear what they do not know, and what they do not understand. I could spend the next five pages explaining their fears, but I will be respectful enough not to rant too much about the subject. Vanilla society has a generalized problem with “S and M”, and Dom/me/me/sub society, because they do not understand the fine line between “S and M” and abuse. Abuse is never consensual, and it hurts a person in ways that they do not wish to be hurt. Abuse tends to leave emotional scarring that will never really be healed. “S and M” is a consensual, safe practice, that is enjoyable for all those involved.

With the Dom/me/sub situations, Vanilla society rages about equality. In a healthy Dom/me/me/sub situation, there should be no worry about equality. There is still the healthy understanding that both parties are human, prone to mistakes, and are still equal on many levels. The only power a Dom/me has, is power that the sub wishes them to have. Power that the submissive completely trusts to allow their Dom/me to have, because they know their Dom/me will not hurt them. In these situations, a Dom/me should always have their submissive’s best interest in mind.

Vanilla society also tends to believe that all Dom’s are male. It’s quite obvious that they’re not. There is also the belief that every Dom/me is abusive, and only wish to hurt their sub. Both of which are completely untrue. As I have said before, in healthy relationships there isn’t the fear of being hurt. There is only trust between the Dom/me and sub, and if the relationship is a situation where the sub is receiving unwanted amounts of pain, it is unhealthy. No one should be in fear of being sent to the Emergency Room because of their significant other. Safety is a must. Being consensual, is a must. If these aren’t taken into consideration, there are many dangers that can arise.

In conclusion, people fear what they do not understand. This is why BDSM communities receive so much scrutiny. Those in Vanilla societies are eager to point their fingers, and bash anything that doesn’t fit into the perfect world that they believe that they live in. There will always be that group that is frowned upon. This year it’s people who are gay, people who are into BDSM, and when the fad of that wears off, it will be something new. So I simply wish to stress to everyone who doesn’t understand these situations, to learn about it before they decide to make their own decision on it. If you let media, and ideas of teachers who really don’t know, make the decisions for you, you will have a very skewed vision of the world.

Being who you are is very important because it is nature. Never let the thoughts and fears of others influence who you are in a negative way. Your differences, and your ideas, are what sets you apart from other people. We are not “cookie cut” humans. We come in a variety of shapes, sizes, backgrounds, and even sexual preferences. If we didn’t have these differences we would all be the same. I would personally hate living in a world where everyone is exactly alike. It would be dull and boring!

There will always be fears in Vanilla society about being into “S and M”, or being Dom/me/sub. What it boils down to, is how you react to the treatment they give. It seems to be that they get a thrill out of disliking you for it, and the better job you do avoiding letting them have that satisfaction, the better it will be for you.

If you practice BDSM, and the like, please practice it safely. Use your mind to decide if what you are doing is sane, and make sure that it is consensual. One day people will understand this community, and things will get better. It isn’t an easy road to travel down, but if it is what fits your fancy, to deny it is to deny yourself. It is as much a part of your nature as anything else in your life is. People are going to talk and “backstab” as much as they want, because it is in their nature as well. Harsh feelings and broken friendships are something that are always going to be there. I wish we could all grow out of the high school gossiping, judgmental bullshit we go through in our younger years, but not everyone does. There will always be that group of people who feel that another group should be persecuted because of their belief system, sexual preferences, or race. All we can do is preach to the choir, as I have done with this reading. Preach love, acceptance, and understanding to everyone about different lifestyles, and try to make the world a better place. Over all, an age old saying comes to mind. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. So tie me up and throw me down, and show me that you like me.”