During my sophomore year of college, I began to encounter many more queer people than I had ever met in my pre-university days. These people were totally open and comfortable about their sexualities and non-cis identities. I felt so empowered by these people that I—ohmigosh!—came out to them. I started cross dressing often, and packing, and overall changing my appearance to match that of my “inner self”. I was on a huge power trip, and went from appearing totally cis myself to undeniably queer, which of course, there is nothing wrong with, except the fact that I threw away and hated my femininity.

Not only was it very unhealthy for my long term relationship to do that, but it also really hurt me. The excitement and love I felt from being out with my friends, gave me such a high that I was losing sight of who I really was and what queer really means. I was building my new identity upon a sexism that was hurting me by attempting to prove that those things didn’t apply to the new, masculinized me. But this masculine identity was also based on the very gender binary that had troubled me so. Although I had good intentions, it ended up to be completely backward thinking.

Over time, I came to realize the dead end street I was on. I was continuously frustrated about sexism and my own gender, and even my sexuality. I slowly stopped cross dressing and worrying myself about these issues, having seen that they were a major stressor in my life. I then decided to go the complete opposite way. I was exploring and searching out the type of material femininity you see in magazines. I always liked cute things and the color pink. (Neither of which are exclusive to femininity!) I began feeling a lot more confident about the skin I was in, and took pleasure in the simple things instead of constantly being so extreme and opinionated.

Now, I’m coming closer and closer to that middle road. I threw out most of my cross dressing “equipment”. I grew my hair out. I stopped pressuring my cis partner to have sex that he wasn’t comfortable with. I stopped hating my female anatomy, in favor of enjoying what I have and cannot change. A little over a year ago, I despised queers that “turned cis” or “gave up their battle”. I’ve come to understand, though, that not everyone goes about being queer and supporting it in the same way, which is what makes queerdom so awesome. Am I a woman? Absolutely. In the conventional, American sense? Absolutely not. And I’m cool with that now.

At the end of the day being queer isn’t about pushing away one thing for another. Even if you’ve faced unjust sexism, that’s more reason to just be who you are. There’s no need to fit in some predefined box of what it means to be queer, transperson, gay, bisexual, and so on. Be the real you who obscures those absurd social lines without turning into something you’re not.

I’m nervous about packing.

Since I don’t disclose myself though I do openly cross dress, I’m sure people have their assumptions. Considering that I work publicly in front of a group of people at least once a week, I feel almost like I’m on stage. I know what it’s like to be on stage after eight years of orchestra and several dance performances under my belt. It’s not the same as standing up in front of club as an officer—my peers and sometimes my head professor—but it does put a spotlight on me. It puts me in plain sight. People can see what I’m wearing, if I’m bound or not, and it’s a great opportunity for them to evaluate me.

My campus is mostly liberal and most people I meet are open-minded. But it seems like the conservatives I meet are very strict and close-minded. Knowing that I’m voluntarily putting myself in the spotlight and that those types of people will see me too makes me uncomfortable. I don’t believe they even have the capacity to begin to understand, and that they will pass on their (probably flawed) critiques. Because of my involvement in the social eye and the fact that I am a representative of an organization, my reputation is important. Such gossip could really hurt me and the club, which is entirely unrelated to gender issues.

Eventually I will work up the courage to do it. After all, people will make their judgments. That’s how we work. That’s what we do. I don’t need to be accepted by my peers en masse, but I hope that most people would be able to look over something that’s so trivial in the scheme of things.

I just don’t want to be a poster child for my campus’s GLBTQI community. I’m an introvert. I don’t want my gender to be observed and ridiculed. I’d rather not be seen in most cases, especially by the people who are driven to shout, “Hey, it’s that genderfucked person!” and ask me why I have a penis some days and not others. Embarrassing.

`Lithaewyn