I remember my first love. I was 14 and crazy about him; he could literally do no wrong. I wanted to spend every second with him- I remember our long talks on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, the laughs, the sex jokes, the intimacy.

Intimacy…intimacy? I think this was the first time in my life that I ever really thought about this word, that it had any meaning in my own life. But it was there, this I knew for sure. I felt it every time he said he loved me, every smile he would crack, every time we would laugh. I didn’t know how to define it; I’m still not sure that I do, but nevertheless, I felt it.

Sadly, that relationship had a tragic ending- it was like something out of a sappy romance novel. But unlike the story books, there was no epilogue. It was a pain that ran so deep through me, that made me hate myself, become stuck in my own head. It made me regret ever being born.

Depression

A few months later, I was diagnosed with depression. I remember the pain I felt, sitting in the doctors office. It was everything I could do to not burst into tears. I felt my heart being torn open, my secrets spilling out, when all I wanted to do was hide.

After a few weeks of being forced to swallow my medication every morning, I noticed a little spring in my step. I held up my head when I walked, I smiled when I saw a familiar face. The funny thing was, I almost MISSED being the girl I was before. The girl who hid from the world, who cried at even a glimpse of a love scene, who cried herself to sleep every night. I no longer felt the pain, no, but I also didn’t feel the euphoria that being in love brought me. I didn’t think about it 24/7, it didn’t haunt me as I dreamt. It was all ending. As confused as I was, I liked being happy. I really started making an effort in school, at home, and in my activities. The progress I was making was evident, and I bathed in it. I was once again glad to be alive.

I started to suddenly notice guys again. I felt lust for others, wanted once again to fall in love, but to leave my past in the past. I wanted to be renewed. I asked myself if I could ever share that with anyone else; ever have that same level of intimacy.

Relearning

For a long time, the answer was no. I simply couldn’t open myself up. There was still a wall around my heart, and it would take more than a few kind words to tear it down. I simply couldn’t fathom feeling for someone else what I once felt for him. So, I remained single; alone. I had no choice.

But once again, I wanted to be in love. I developed a crush on a guy I did theater with, and this time I didn’t just let it pass. I tried with everything in me to get him. He rejected me in the end, but it taught me something about myself; If I want a lifetime of intimacy, I would have to go through a few years of pain.

Once I learned this lesson, I saw things begin to change for me. I realized that I might not find my prince charming tomorrow, and that I had to accept that. If I ever wanted to find what I once had with my ex, I had to go out there and look! It was silly to expect my perfect man to show up at my front door. That simply isn’t life. To find someone to share yourself with, you have to take the risk of being hurt. I had to live through heartbreak if I wanted to eventually find happiness.

Now

So, where am I now? I’m living. I have several love interests, and I am having fun. I have found men who truly appreciate me for the woman I am, and who love me for me. I have intelligent conversation, and passionate encounters. And you know what, I am loving it! I am really having the time of my life right now, and I wouldn’t want to trade it for anything in the world. All of them mean something to me, and we all share intimacy. I feel it in every breath I take, in every word that I speak. To deny it would be to deny myself. It’s so amazing , but I realize the reason I am in this place is because of where I was before. I had to be lonely in order to be with someone else, rejected in order to be accepted, and in pain in order to be in love. I am living intimacy, and more importantly, it is living inside of me.

HIV affects millions of people worldwide. As of 2009, it was 33.3 million. There are 33 million men, women and children, everyday people just like you and me. The woman walking her dog on the sidewalk, your friend from college, the ex-lover you met at a book club. The fact is 1.2 million of those people live in the United States; those affected do not just live in poor African countries, in fact, that only accounts for about 2/3 of HIV cases.

For this reason, it is important that we educate ourselves and the community about HIV. We need to teach our children how to protect themselves, make condoms more readily available, and not be ashamed to demand safe sex. The fact is, this terrible disease will not go away on its own, and we as a community, a nation, a people need to band together to fight this.

Personally, I was never really taught about HIV. My parents were never open about sexuality to begin with, so it never came up in my household. I remember associating what I had heard about HIV with shame, lots of promiscuous sex, and bad people. I figured that those who had the disease were afflicted because they had too much sex or had sex outside of marriage. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I really became critical about social and political issues and started to read voraciously. I picked up a book called Quicksand: the truth about HIV/AIDS that caused me to really start to think more about this issue and educate myself. I soon picked up even more books from the library on this topic and realized that the only reason there was so much stigmatization around the issue was because it was related to sex. And sex, as we all know, is bad and wrong and dirty. (sarcasm, of course.)

I want to now educate others about this important issue, for those who face the same ignorant environment that I once did. Let them know that hanging out with someone that is HIV positive is not a bad person and that by doing so you CANNOT catch it. One of the most ludicrous myths about HIV out there is how you can contract it. Actually, it is very simple. You can get the disease in only four different ways: From sex or sexual activity, from breast milk, from blood, or from childbirth (that is, from the mother’s blood and vaginal secretions when the baby is being born, but precautions can be taken to prevent this). You can’t get it from sharing a toilet, you can’t get it from kissing, you can’t get it from sharing food or water.

I think that even from this simple fact alone a lot of negative attitudes about HIV can be dispelled. For example, those who are HIV positive are often shunned in society, a direct result of people believing they can contract it from them in everyday circumstance. If people knew the truth then those with the disease wouldn’t be treated so coldly. Also, this could lead to people being more open about sex in general. If they are more aware that everyday people are affected by this, they would be more willing to be open and accepting of others. This is exactly why I have written this article. I hope you have been affected in a positive way and have been inspired to share this message- HIV is just a disease. One that we can prevent with education and acceptance.

Source: http://www.avert.org/america.htm