When I tell people that I have an open marriage, or when there is a discussion about open marriage that I have the honor to be a part of, one of the first questions is always about the rules we designate. Unfortunately, they’re different for everyone, so I always suggest that people come up with their own. People often just don’t know where to start. Some basic communication will be the best place to start.

The most important thing to understand is the logic about why you and your partner have decided to start an open marriage. Is it for sexual reasons only? Is it to find another partner that brings you emotional satisfaction? Are you seeking an open marriage to fill a void in your primary relationship? If you can understand the cause of the thoughts to initiate an open marriage, you can design your comfort level around that.

If the open marriage is to fill a sexual satisfaction, then design your questions in a sexual nature. What type of protection will you both be comfortable with to keep your sex safe? Do you want your partner to use ciondoms or dental dams for oral sex? Will you require STD testing before you have sex with someone? Is kissing allowed during intimate moments with someone other than your primary spouse? Is spending the night with someone else ok, or would you prefer your partner to always come home after every date? Where would you prefer that sex take place if the marital bed is off limits? Are you comfortable with the expense of a hotel? Are you comfortable paying for the date, or are you going to require the other person to pay for their half? This is especially important for men dating women to figure out, since it is often times assumed the male is responsible for paying for a woman on a date.

If the open marriage is to fulfill an emotional satisfaction, you’ll want to focus on coming up with rules of that nature, as well. Is it ok to share intimate details of your family, or children, or personal life with your spouse to the person you are dating? Is there a special place you share with your spouse that you would prefer he/she not take a date to? Are phone conversations allowed at any hour of the day? Would you like to meet the person your spouse is dating? If you have children is the person you’re dating allowed to meet your children? Is your spouse allowed to tell their secondary relationship partner they love them? Do you two have the same definition of love that you’re comfortable with? Is your spouse allowed to buy gifts that come with important events like birthdays and Valentine’s Day?

Some general questions that don’t relate to either category are also helpful, as well. How many times would you prefer that each of you are allowed to go out each month? Is there a budget you’d like to allocate to dating? Do you prefer that your spouse keep their wedding ring on at all times? Is their a requirement for being reachable by phone, or checking in throughout the time one of you is on a date? What happens if there is an emergency, and you need to reach one another? Are you allowed to tell your friends and family that you are in an open marriage? If you have children, is it ok to pay a babysitter so both of you can be out on a date the same time, or would you like one of you to always be home with the children? Can you be seen in public with your date? How far from home can your spouse drive to meet someone?

Remember that the rules you set at the beginning are not the rules that will always be in place. Over time, you may choose to readdress the rules and alter them, or do away with some of them all together. That’s where it comes in handy if you have a strong communication foundation in your relationship. Without communication, and a comfort level that each of you are happy with, it will be hard to maintain an open marriage that is beneficial for both partners. Communication is just as important as enjoyment. The foundation of your marriage always comes first. Keep that foundation strong, and enjoy the benefits of your open marriage fully and completely.

There’s a National Coming Out Day to celebrate all of those who have come out and been open and honest about their sexuality preferences. I love that they have a day for this. It occurred to me while discussing this day on my Facebook account, that in this day and age there are so many different relationship types. Many people feel they need to be in the closet about their relationships, as well. One of the quickest growing alternative relationship options is an open marriage. Many celebrities these days have been discussed to be participating in an open marriage, such as Mo’Nique, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett. Of course, there are rumors about several more, but the above mentioned have gone in print openly admitting their open marriage.

So what is it? Often times, many people think it’s just permission to go around having sex with random people, and sometimes it’s confused with swinging relationships. According to Wikipedia, the technical definition is permission to have an extramarital sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse. However, ask anyone in an open marriage, and often times their definitions are vastly different as to what it means to them. Often referring to an open marriage as a swinger situation is offensive to the couple, because to many people it is not just about sex.

How does it work? Some open marriages have a strict set of rules to allow their partners to be intimate with other people outside the confines of their primary relationship. The partners involved in an open marriage will often start off with a set of open marriage rules. These rules differ per couple, and are something usually deeply discussed, and readdressed over time to keep current and updated. Each couple involved is different, and situations vary per couple. Sometimes not even both members of the relationship participate in the open marriage. Some open marriage situations give their partners permission to have emotional relationships outside of their primary relationship (this often times gets referred to as polyamory which is a whole different blog post altogether).

Why an open marriage? A lot of people in today’s society believe that monogamy is not what we as humans are designed to do, but instead trained to believe is the right thing to do, since that’s what our parents, and their parents did. However, with a divorce rate of 3.4 per 1,000 population many people in an open marriage will argue it helps to keep their marriage solid. Out of those divorces, some say that infidelity is the cause for 90% of those divorces, and that 30-60% of all married couples will engage in infidelity at some point in their marriage. Is it human nature to be monogamous, or is it human nature to want to be with more than one person? That’s the ever evolving question around open marriage. But in this day and age, with divorce so popular, I say do whatever works for you and your marriage. Marriage is an all encompassing word. Make your own definition.