I’ve been kinky for a long time. I’ve been in a couple of long term kink relationships, and way more kink scenes than I can even count. I’m solidly kinky and have had the bruises to prove it. So when I recently broke up with my boyfriend (who I had a 24/7 TPE relationship with) I didn’t really even think about vanilla dating. I knew what I liked and how I liked it. What vanilla guy could even catch my interest?! Or so I thought…

I didn’t really plan it. Honestly, I didn’t. I didn’t even want to like anyone for a while, a long while. I was happily getting my slut on, by sleeping with as many people as my work schedule would permit. I fucked one guy who was great in bed, and kinky as all hell. His name was Mike and we clicked immediately on a personal level.

Well, Mike told me about his best friend, and how he thought that we would hit it off. He told me that his best friend had seen my pictures on Twitter and FetLife, and thought I was the bee’s knees. Okay, maybe he didn’t word it like that, but that was the gist. So now Mike was pimping me out to his best friend. I didn’t mind, I was trying to fuck as much as possible. So adding another guy to my current rotation wasn’t going to be a bad thing. There was only one catch, so said Mike, the best friend wasn’t kinky. I didn’t mind, I honestly didn’t think the friend would catch my interest much, so what was the harm of giving his cock a ride or two?

Well the friend and I started interacting on Twitter a bit, then it moved to text messaging, then we finally set up a night where we were both free. I was excited, he was a different breed of guy than I was used to. I mean, sure I’m used to the kinky fucks, but this wasn’t just about his attitude about sex, it was about him and his personality.

Our first “date” we went to a strip club, and it was actually my first visit to a strip club. We had a great time, and by the end of our time at the club we had hit it off really well. The car ride back to his place was filled with actual conversation, not just mindless fuck talk. It wasn’t about saying all the right things. It was genuine conversation that exposed faults and a person, instead of an ideal.

When we got back to his place the hotness revved up to intense proportions. Our sexual chemistry just clicked. We went multiple times that night; each time we were both left smiling and satisfied. The next morning I went to work happy. It was a good sexual experience, one that I wanted to repeat, a surprise for me. I was so caught up in labels, kinky versus vanilla, that I forgot that sexual chemistry can come in all sorts of packages.

We started texting, talking; I wrote a blog. As he put it, “our genitals were smitten with each other”. But it went beyond just sex; I was thinking that I *liked* him. He could make me laugh, easily. He was nice, he was damn good in bed, and had that dapper charm that so many lack these days.

So we met up again, as soon as we could. I met him five days after our first fuck. The urgency and excitement of seeing and fucking a specific person is something that was new to me. I usually care about the fuck. I usually get horny based on the person. But I was excited to see him, it was just… different. It was about the person just as much as it was about the sex.

So after fucking, we were basking in the after sex glow and talking about various things. The conversation got started about liking each other, and while I was not about to admit first that I liked him, I was willing to be as giddy as a schoolgirl (on the inside) when he told me he liked me. I admitted that I liked him too, something that wasn’t easy for me to do.

Liking someone wasn’t on my agenda. Liking someone who is vanilla was not on my agenda. But I can make room for pleasant surprises, great sex, smiles, sweet text messages, and opening my mind, any day. He has surprised me, and shown me that maybe putting someone in a set of expectations just because they are/aren’t kinky isn’t right. Nothing is as it seems. I don’t know where it is going. We could see each other next week, and things could fizzle out. Things happen for a reason, and I’m just so happy to have my eyes open to the fact that vanilla doesn’t always mean they have to go into the “uninterested” column. I have vanilla interests too.

I just got out of a pretty serious relationship. I’d been in long term relationships before him. I dated two guys seriously, and then various short term flings. However, this relationship was the most serious. We lived together, had plans for our future. I have very mixed emotions about the relationship, things that I don’t really like thinking about, let alone talking or writing about. But heartbreak and breakups are universal, and writing is my form of therapy.

I was the one who broke up with him. Way back in October I broke up with him. I was done with not receiving the same effort that I was putting into the relationship. I was fed up with the lack of affection and love I was given. I was tired of feeling like I was never good enough, no matter what I did. I know we both did things wrong, though. I needed too much, and our lifestyles just didn’t match. It was really no one’s fault, there were things that neither one of us could tolerate anymore. But instead of actually breaking things off, we decided to work on things.

So when I met this new guy, this guy who I really connected with, I ended up not pursuing it, because my ex and I were trying to figure things out. I don’t regret it, stuff happens. Things would ebb and flow, we would be going strong and both of us would be working towards a better us, and then we would both be disinterested for a bit. It took a lot of soul searching to finally realize that the way things were going was unfair to both of us. Neither one of us was really happy, and as much as we were saying we were working towards things, we weren’t really. There were no discussions as to how to fix things, it was the hundred pound gorilla in the room that everyone was ignoring.

So things are really done now. The end of what I consider my first adult relationship. Some days, I can get by without thinking about him or the relationship at all. Some days, it is a brief thought that runs through my mind. Other days, I find myself thinking about things more. I haven’t talked to him in three weeks. It is weird to go from being in a relationship with someone, to completely cut off from them. I don’t think he wants to talk with me. I am not quiet online about my sexual habits, and I think it may hurt him to see how easily it was to start fucking other people. I don’t know. I can’t really speculate without possibly hurting him further. All I know is that I don’t regret the relationship; I don’t regret the good times or the bad.

I have been pretty successful in my fuck friends. I am pretty strict with my own rules, and stick to them. First of all, there are three levels of fuck friends with me.

Level One – Fuck Dates

Fuck Dates are like one-night stands, but multiple nights. There isn’t much to these relationships, just fucking. Sure, you know their name, address, and their stats of their last STD test, but not much else. These can either be fleeting, or progress to further levels of fuck friends. But it doesn’t really matter either way. My rules are pretty simple for this level: must be STD/STI-free, kink-friendly, no anal performed on me, and must wear condoms. These people usually last an average of three fuck dates, before one party either ends it, or it progresses up a level.

Level Two – Fuck Buddies

These people know a bit more about me, and I know a bit more about them. The focus of our relationship is on the sex, but you can casually hang out, before or after, without any awkward situations. You wouldn’t hang out with this person unless sex was involved, or at least a high probability of sex happening. The rules are mostly the same for this level, except anal is a possibility. These people can hang at this level for a while. I’ve had one guy at this level for years (on and off again).

Level Three – Friends with Benefits

These are actual friends; people who you text without references to time and place for your next hook up. These are people who you can hang out with, without the need for fucking. The sex is just another great part of your friendship. These can be gotten two ways – progression through the levels, or a friendship first that turns sexual. The rules are the same here as they are for fuck buddies.

So, what is the one rule I haven’t mentioned? The feelings rule.

I am very strict about feelings being developed in my fuck friends relationships. It is a no go. I think that sexual chemistry can often be misconstrued; it can make a person think that an actual relationship can be made out of it. So I always tell fuck friends, that when one person starts to develop feelings then it must be told to the other person. It can either be discussed, or the fuck friendship is terminated. I don’t believe in continuing with a fuck friend when feelings are involved, I think it is unfair. I’ve had people develop feelings for me, and I’ve developed feelings for another person in fuck friendships – I’ve been able to step back and follow my rules each time. I think it is very important to stick to the rules that are put in place.

I stopped caring about my body right about the same time I became sexually active. For me, the two were weirdly linked when I was younger. You see, I was pretty much always interested in sex, so when I was bigger than all the other girls in fifth and sixth grade that was my biggest worry. I know, I was a weird kid. But when I realized that guys thought with their dick first, I stopped being so concerned.

You see, a dick does not have an eye. It does not care if you are 120 pounds, or 320 pounds. Sure, the man attached might care, but the ones who really stick to those kind of numbers aren’t the guys that I want to be with. I learned that one really quickly. When I started my sexual journey, I was determined to ‘turn’ as many guys as I could. What I mean by that was that I would intentionally go after guys who thought I was too big for them. I would get them to be active with me in some way (whether it be an oral exchange, or sex, or some other form of high sexual contact) and then leave them. Looking back, it was not my proudest time.

Although I bagged me some hotties, and I’m talking grade A hotties. I found out quickly that my sexual appetite was attracted to men who wanted some adventure, men who were willing to try out some crazy stuff. That’s when my sexual sights shifted from those who weren’t interested in me because of my weight, to those who were interested in me because of my sexual appetite and adventurous nature. The change was quickly apparent.

No matter what small happiness I felt because I was hooking up with guys who were so quick to say they would never hook up with a fat girl (and proving them wrong), it was rarely really satisfying. I was so much more satisfied once I was with guys who were actually compatible with me on a sexual level (among many other levels, I found that relating on this level meant the probability of relating on other levels was increased).

I almost didn’t know how to stop targeting guys who didn’t immediately want to be with me all based on my weight. Sometimes I’ll still find myself trying to prove that I am just as hot as some stereotypical co-ed. That’s when I tell myself, “Suck it up buttercup. You’ve got better things out there”. I reminisce about all the hot sex I’ve had with guys who want to be with me regardless of my weight. They are attracted to me, without me having to convince them that I am just as good as someone else. They don’t need convincing. And now, neither do I.

It can be hard being young and coming into the BDSM community. For some reason my transition was fairly seamless, no one doubted my desires or looked down upon me or dismissed me because of my age. I was lucky in that aspect. I think it has a lot to do with me personally. I get told a lot that I don’t carry myself or present myself like the age that I am. I have a more mature aura about me which causes people to treat me older than they might someone the same age as me. It also helps that when I was getting started in the community I had not only done a lot of research myself, but had a Dom who was older. I apparently am a very good slave in public, because people were not only telling me so, but giving me the respect that they were giving people older than me, but not people the same age. Apparently I show dedication and that I am in this for the right reasons (so I was told once when I asked someone about it).

However, not everyone is so lucky. Many who are coming into the lifestyle at 18 or so, are doing so slowly with many questions. They are scared or too nervous to go to local activities since they don’t really know what it is. So they turn to the internet. One of the places that they turn to is the fast growing kink social network community, FetLife. I’m a greeter there, which means I am one of the many people who greets every single new member to say hello, give them some tips for the site, and showing them around. Often I am on the receiving end of questions from people just venturing into the kink community, just starting to explore and get their feet wet. It is great to be able to help these people and answer their questions. It is nice to be able to see past their age, not dismiss them as too young or just doing this for kicks. I always point them to the community after answering their questions, either the online community or their local community. I assure them that munches aren’t scary and they can help a lot with questions and getting more involved. More than once I have been messaged back a week or month later that people dismissed them. People look down on the young because “what do they know?” or “they aren’t as committed to this as I am!” or “Ha! You don’t know the difference between X and Y? Ha!!!”. I don’t understand why people look down, put down, and dismiss someone and their questions just because of their age.

A person can be in their 30s or 40s and just starting to explore the BDSM community and get nothing but help and welcoming, but someone who just passed the age of consent is only met with disdain and rudeness. I’m not saying this is always the case, after all, it wasn’t the case with me. However just look at the help threads, or listen to some of the remarks at a local munch or play party, the rudeness is present. We are all on the outside of the norm of sexuality, shouldn’t we be welcoming no matter if the person is 18 or 98?

I’m always afraid to say that I am extreme in my kink tastes. I think people will think that I am bragging or trying to one-up them. I don’t say it because I am afraid that people will think that I am trying to say that I am better than them- or kinkier than them. That’s not it at all. People everywhere have different levels of kink, whether you are ‘vanilla’ or ‘rocky road’ or whatever other ice cream flavor you want to compare yourself to.

From what I’ve seen in the kink community, and the people who have seen me play, I apparently like the more extreme things. I’ve been told that I am ‘quite an extreme edge player’. Edge play is things on the fringe- things that not everyone deems safe or smart to play with. Knife play, fire play, kicking, etc, those are all considered edge play by many. I don’t like putting such definitions on play just because I would prefer just to call it what they are- my kinks or your kinks.

I like to be beaten until I’m black and blue. One of my biggest desires is to be given a black eye. I like to be kicked and punched, repeatedly and excessively. I crave being slapped in the face. I like being choked and spit on. Knife play intrigues me to no end. Also- I want to be waterboarded. When people hear this they are a bit overwhelmed usually, or when they see a scene I am in they fear for me.

Before a scene at a local bdsm event I had told a couple of people that my tastes are on the extreme side. They pretty much patted my hand and assured me that ‘everyone thinks their tastes are extreme’. I didn’t take it to heart too much. If everyone did, that’s cool. I wasn’t bragging, I was just giving my view of my tastes. When my Man and I started our scene, there was nothing really out of the ordinary. However, by the end many people thought that he had gone too far in hurting me. They thought that I was hurt in a bad way, luckily the DMs (people in charge of looking over everyone and making sure everyone is safe/being respected) realized that what we were doing was right for us. After calming down and getting off from the high that I was on from getting beat so hard, a few people came up to me and mentioned that I play pretty hard or that I was too extreme for their tastes. I had to laugh because we dulled it down because we were in public! Apparently after that little event, it was okay to say that I play hard because they saw it. They knew in their head that it was true because they witnessed it.

However, now I am around a new group of kinky people, or talking to people online in the kink community. I am once again afraid to say that I play on the more extreme side. I am afraid that people will think that I don’t think their kink is ‘real’ or good enough, or whatever other silly thing they are going to assume from that statement. I wish they could just take my statement at face value, me talking about myself. Not putting them or their kink down.

I have three best friends. They mean the world to me, cliché I know, but true. They are completely different people, but all connected by the common string of me!

The first one, and perhaps most important to me, is an extremely intelligent, funny, loving, nonjudgmental girl who was born in Poland. We met in 8th grade but didn’t become really close until 10th grade. When we did finally bond, we bonded hard. She is my other half in so many ways. She was there for me when my mother kicked me out of my home. She opened her home to me in that difficult time. Even more than that, she is the one friend who knows every gritty detail, every gory aspect of my sex life. There are things I am not open about with “vanilla” people because of the taboo nature and the ‘squick’ factor associated with them. However, when I broke down and told her some of the deeper and darker things I did, she never judged me. She smiled, said it might not be for her but she is happy I found something I like. Do you wonder why she’s my best friend?

The second is a sweet, strong, hilarious, caring boy born in England (I have a thing for immigrants, huh?). We went to the same middle school but didn’t become close to him until my sophomore year of high school. We have frank discussions about sex pretty much every discussion we have ever had. I tell him about all my crazy exploits and he tells me I am too wild for his tastes but lives vicariously. He comes to me with all his questions about sex and relationships. He is like a little brother to me. Even though he is a full grown man now, I still look at him as the little boy I met years ago.

The third is a smart, sexy, conservative, kinky-lite, mature girl who has had the rockiest relationship with me out of them all. We’ve been friends since the first day we met freshman year. We’ve had a falling out or two, but have always managed to find our way back to each other. She keeps my secrets and I keep hers. We have more in common than we’d both like to admit. I can talk with her about things that I don’t talk to anyone else about like politics and religion. We also have fun frank talks about sex toys, bondage, anal play, and kinky exploration. No matter what the topic, we usually agree. When she told me her and her boyfriend were exploring some kinky things, I was so excited! It was exciting to have a kinky friend. She will come to me for advice and looking for new things to try out. She is someone I can relate to on all levels.

My three best friends mean so much to me. They are very different people, but they all love me and I love them. They’ve helped me through some of my hardest times. They are always there for me. Plus, they accept me for everything that I am, kinky and overly sexual and plus all those other normal nonsexual adjectives. There is no one I could want more to walk with me through life.

I have a lot of sex toys, so many in fact that I have stopped really wanting a lot of new things. Sure, I have some things on my wishlist that intrigue me and I would like to own, but I have most of what I want. These days I’m more interested in some accessories or sensual products versus another dildo or vibrator. However, many of my friends are new to the world of sex toys, so I have begun using my knowledge and perks to get them toys.

My boss, yes you read that right, my boss, knew about my job reviewing toys. She was completely intrigued and of course jealous. She deemed it the ‘best job ever’. I had a few toys that I bought and never used, or got as duplicates that I offered up to her. She jumped at the opportunity. I gave her two vibrators and she was jumping with excitement. I had just doubled her collection. It baffled me a little bit. I forget sometimes that not everyone has boxes upon storage boxes of sex toys. I forget that not everyone knows the to do and to don’ts of sex toys. Explaining the ins and outs of what lube is safe to use, and how to clean certain toys is fun for me. I like being so knowledgeable on a something that I am so passionate about. Introducing people to the world of sex toys, how to pick the right products, how to look at the specs and determine if it is a toy they will enjoy, or how to care for a toy, is something that makes me feel like I am doing something helpful. Sex toys aren’t widely discussed, and most beginners have a bunch of misses before getting a hit. I like knowing I am making getting a hit easier and sooner.

Not too long after giving my boss her new toys, my supervisor asked if I could get her a dildo or anything bondage related. All at once the wheels in my head started turning, which dildo I would get her, what bondage gear would she like best, all that kind of stuff. I set up a new wishlist dedicated exclusively to what I can buy my coworkers and bosses. Sure, some people may find it strange, I know I would if I was an outsider looking in. However, we are all really close at work. We’ve shared some kinky exploits, and I’ve even partaken in some exploits with coworkers. But being able to provide some toys or accessories that will spice up their lives is something I am happy to do. I am excited about gifting the most awesome toys and such to them. After all, how many people can say they’ve bought their boss a sex toy [or five]?

When I was in my freshman year of high school I came out to my mother. We were in a restaurant, so she couldn’t make too big of a scene, when I told her that I was bisexual. It was something that I had known for a bit of time, and something that I wanted to be open about. She overreacted and told me that there is no such thing as bisexuals, only heterosexuals and homosexuals. She said that I was either confused, or just wanted to sleep around. Those apparently were my only two options. So to make her happy I told her I was just confused, I was really straight and that I was sorry to put her through that. I pretended to be straight around her. It wasn’t hard, I dated boys through high school. Girls only wanted to experiment.

After high school I moved in with my boyfriend, states away from her. I had started my blog as well, which captured most of my adult activity in writing format. My mother and I went through a rough patch, a spot of not talking, and some pretty heavy times. I’ve even written about her here on EdenCafe before. We used to have a pretty rocky relationship. However, it started getting better. One day I noticed from my blog statistics that my mom had found my blog. I didn’t know what to do. I talk about some pretty adult things on there. Not that I care about her reading adult material, but reading adult material about your daughter could be hard. I know knowing that she read it was hard for me. So one day I brought it up to her. I told her I knew she was reading it and we had a phone conversation that lasted well over three hours.

It was an interesting conversation, but perhaps the most interesting thing she said, was something about my sexuality. She said through reading my blog, she thought I was a lesbian. She apologized for her reaction when I was younger and I tried coming out to her. She said that she felt that she handled it poorly and she should have been more supportive. So once again, I came out to her. I told her that I was a bisexual. She once again denied it. She said that there is no such thing. She believes I am a lesbian. I asked her then to reason out my attraction to men, as well as to women. I asked her to reason out my over a year relationship with a man. I asked her these things, and she brushed them off. She stated firmly that I was a lesbian. So I once again just went with the flow and accepted what she had to say.

Recently I’ve moved back in with her to go to school, and brought a rainbow flag that I have from a pride parade. When I unpacked it from the car she asked what it was, when I told her she looked at me and said, “oh, okay, because you’re a lesbian”. I got that slight twinge of irritation, when I realized that this at least was a step in the right direction. I would have never been able to have a flag proudly on display in my bedroom before, now I can. Maybe she isn’t ready to think that bisexuality exists, or that I am bisexual, but she is taking tiny steps to move in the right direction. Even if she is adamant about the fact that I am a lesbian, which my boyfriend still gets a hearty laugh about.