So, as I sit here uploading some video reviews from my camera to my laptop, I realize that in about two weeks it’ll be 2011 (as of me writing this, of course). Two days ago I turned 29, and D and I had our one year anniversary. Now, I’m not big on birthday celebrations, and am even less into anniversary celebrations, and D doesn’t celebrate much of anything.  So, except for a few birthday phone calls and FaceBook “Happy Birthday” wishes, the day passed without much excitement.

However, as I looked out my balcony window, and saw no snow, almost no wind, and probably half the foliage still green; it got me to thinking. Not only can I now say that I’m almost 30, but I am in a place in my life I never, ever, could have imagined that I’d be. Not only am I again in a long term committed relationship, but it’s satisfying and fulfilling. I’m happier than I ever have been, and I live in San Francisco! Holy shit Batman!

A lot of the last few months, I learned things about life that I thought I already knew. It has caused me to see what true friendship really is. I’ve come to realize that I yearn for a girlfriend, though in a non sexual manner. I see now what true yearn really is. There is someone who I’d love to be my girlfriend. However, she lives in Seattle; I live 14 hours south of her.

This time last year I never would have imagined that I’d have moved to California with D.  Hell, both he and I had sworn we’d never even visit Cali, let alone live here, and be so happy here. In all this time, I’ve also achieved a dream of mine; to work from home.

One year ago I was unhappy, unhealthy and anxiety ridden. My relationship with my mother was very strained, and I was living beyond my means. I was trying so hard to be who I thought was “me”, that I didn’t even know who I was, let alone how to be me.

Throughout the move, from the upper Midwest, part of me was afraid that we were running….ya know? Running from our problems; rather than just dealing with them.  However, after seeing how happy we are here, I can see that this was the right decision for us to make. Since the move: I’ve grown, I’ve gotten healthier, and I’ve come very far in accepting who I am.

Really though, I think the biggest moments this last year have come from me realizing that I am capable of things I never could have imagined myself doing before. Just a few days ago I walked 4 ½ miles home because we missed the bus; all while carrying a back pack full of frozen food. Had I been alone, I would have waited for the next bus, but that’s only because I didn’t know the route to walk home. D did. So we walked, and made it home in only an hour. And I made it! Granted, I was cranky because it rained, but I did it. I never, in a million years, would have thought myself capable of that.

So often in life, we limit ourselves for various reasons. Maybe we’re scared. Maybe we’ve been told “we can’t” so many times we believe it. But regardless of the reasons: Yes, You Can!

Over the last year I learned that I have been limiting myself too much. Living with fibromyalgia, I truly often do have moments of “I can’t”, because my body simply won’t let me. However, I have now learned how to live on the “I can” side of things. While it took me moving half way across the country, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.

This last year has been full of pot holes, sink holes, and a whole host of thunderstorms dumping on my life. But it’s still something I’d do all over again.

Now, I am a cisgendered woman. I was born female, am female, and plan on staying female. However, under no circumstances do I believe that the shape and function of my genitals needs to dictate my behavior. While pretty much nothing, save menopause or a hysterectomy, will change the fact that I menstruate every 4 weeks or so; I do not let preconceived notions about how I should behave influence my life.

When I was a little girl I lived on a farm. I was a daddy’s girl (which probably explains my penchant for being attracted to strong almost authoritative men, and my submissive fantasies). I’d spend whole days riding in tractors and combines with him. I could drive a tractor, alone, by age 6 and had no qualms about getting into the combine hopper to check for debris.

But then my daddy re-married and suddenly I wasn’t girly enough. I was now supposed to act certain ways because I was a girl, yet I was still supposed to not get creeped out by bugs. I was still supposed to crawl in the hopper to fish for debris, to get stinky and sweaty and dirty… but I was still supposed to be totally feminine while doing that. Yea, it still confuses me. I would get chastised for doing something that “only boys do”, like spitting if a bug flew into my mouth, yet I was then supposed to do traditional “men’s” work, like working in the shop with my dad fixing things.

I received these mixed signals from age 6 on up, pretty much until I stopped spending time with my father around age 23. Needless to say, I was confused.

Once I got older and was able to really express my personality (so starting in teen years), I tended to fluctuate back and forth between being very feminine and being very masculine.  There were times when I’d be so boyish even my best friends would see me and think I was a boy; before I got close enough that they could clearly see my face. Other times I would wear lots of make up, feminine clothes, jewelry, and so forth. Of course during either phase, when in the privacy of my bedroom, I’d let loose my secret desires for masculine or feminine activities, but never in the presence of another person because we can only be one right? We have to only be feminine, or only be masculine. Never both.

The thing is, deep down, I have very strong traits of both! I am better with tools than my boyfriend is, yet I am intensely squeamish when it comes to any bugs.   can out drink most men, and typically out belch them as well; however I’m emotionally sensitive, and get irritated when I break a nail. I could be wearing all men’s clothing, yet have sexy Fredericks of Hollywood underwear beneath it all.

A few years ago I thought I had it right. I had meshed both my masculine traits and my feminine traits together, and was comfortable with myself in that manner. I was also dating a guy that I thought fully accepted me for who I was. Until one night we got to dancing and we started a mini mosh pit in his living room. When he realized that I wasn’t going to freak out and cry if I got bumped into the wall or something, he actually got mad at me and told me that I “needed to pick just one.” That I “cannot be both masculine and feminine” because then he doesn’t know how to treat me.

So apparently me being able to mosh and being able to hold my liquor puts me into a category where men don’t know how to treat me? Why not just treat me with respect!? Don’t be an asshat to me, honor my requests, and just be nice to me?

Needless to say this person is no longer in my life, which is certainly a boon to me. Eventually, after my failed marriage, I got to the point where I was horribly up front about my personality.

I met D on an online dating site. My profile was so long that D admits to not even reading it all on the first look; I honestly can’t blame him. I was intensely candid, because I was getting tired of bullshit of the caliber of the aforementioned “you can only be one” episode.  I put everything in there, from being able to outbelch most men, to enjoying wearing cat ears around.

Honestly I had always thought something was wrong with me. There were times when I wondered if I wasn’t supposed to be another gender. Maybe I was more than bi-sexual (technically I suppose I’m actually pansexual), maybe I was simply just wrong. I am a woman, a female, yet I sometimes enjoy getting dirty. I am more comfortable with power tools than make up. I like heavy metal music and drinking, yet my favorite colors are pink and purple. Hello Kitty makes me giggle and smile, and I’m crazy emotional sometimes. That’s wrong! I need to be only one set of those, not both!

I don’t know if I can pinpoint a time when I finally just accepted who I am. While I sometimes still have a difficult time expressing my personality out in public. I know who I am now, and I encompass a wide range of personality traits, both masculine and feminine. I’m a little bit of everything. In the end, I think I just got tired of trying to force myself in a box. I am me, and I don’t belong in a box, damnit!

And neither does anyone else. We are who we are for a reason. If we all fit into a box, life would be damn boring. Our genitals should not, and do not ,dictate who we are and how we are to behave, our life experiences do!

Love is something that I’ve actually been thinking about lately.  With all the stress and shit we’ve been dealing with since we moved to San Francisco the going got pretty rough a couple times.  I truthfully had thoughts of leaving my man a couple times as well.  However, when the going got roughest, he’d do something that reminded me just why I loved him so much.

And I do love my boyfriend; very much.  While we both recognize that no one can tell the future and who knows; maybe we’ll grow apart, I truthfully can’t see myself without him.

Even though all that happened; him not working, us almost loosing the apartment, going without food and clean laundry, we made it through.  No matter how hard it got we made sure to communicate and we accepted the fact that when you’re under so much stress you’re not quite yourself.  Sure, you’re still you and you’re expressing parts of your personality, but we recognize that it’s the negative aspects that often get accentuated during those rough times.

For me that’s love.  Knowing that sometimes shit happens and you get a little neurotic.  Accepting that the bad times can bring out the negative aspects of your personality.  Being able to say “I’m sorry” and accepting the apology.

Love is making it through the hard times, learning about yourself, your partner and your relationship and being the better for it on the other end.  Love is accepting what they mean when they say “sometimes I wish we lived apart,” understanding it, and even agreeing.

Love is also being able to stand back while they scream at the unfairness of life sometimes and not saying anything when they say “my life sucks” because you have already discussed what that statement means to them.

Love is all those things and so much more.  It’s having an epic sex fail due to miscommunication of the phrase “Don’t move!” and being able to laugh about it.  It’s cooking when it’s not your turn ‘cuz they’re too tired from work.  It’s accepting the various gross things your body does, understanding that all families are crazy and weird in their own way and still being cool about it when their mom comes to visit for a week.

Love is something that can be summed up in one sentence, yet can never be fully described by language because it’s all emotions.

Hmm, do I make new years resolutions?  Nope.  Not at all.  Why?  Because I think it’s an excuse to procrastinate.  “Nah, I’m going to be doing that for my new years resolution!”  “Why start now when I can start later?”  “I’m going to wait for a specific day to start, not now!”

I think that when it comes to starting something, it needs to be a right time for you and in your life.  January 1st perhaps could be the right day for some people!  But for starters, it’s the end of the major holiday season.  That in and of itself creates a whole bunch of stressors; who really needs one more?  A person really should be starting something, be it weight loss, quitting smoking/drinking/drugs, or whatever, because it needs to happen and it’s the right time for them.  Not because it’s a random day of the year.

Secondly it adds a lot of pressure.  Everyone else is doing something, so I need to too.  In my opinion it makes it a competition.  And while that works for a lot of people, it can create a competitive air about the resolution for all the wrong reasons.

Lastly there seems to be this vibe around new years resolutions that make it feel like you need to go full bore, all out, start every aspect of whatever you’re doing right now.  Make the whole change at once.  There seems to be a serious lack of goal setting, of doing things one step at a time and at a pace that works for you, your body, your lifestyle and whatever you’re doing.

For me, making a life change is just that; it’s making a life change.  I’m not the type of person who can wake up in the morning, and change my entire life.  I just can’t do it.  Perhaps it’s because I do have a small fear of change, however in order for changes to take effect they need time.  You need to take time to adjust your daily routine to add in whatever your adding, to get used to not having whatever you’re removing and so on and so forth.

At least for me, this is why I don’t pick a random day of the year, regardless of what day it is and just do it.  I have to do it when it feels right.  And, I have to do bits and pieces at a time, make it a slow adjustment so that I can keep the changes in my life and not just give up on it ‘cuz it was too hard.  Doing it all at once would quite simply be too much for me.

Holidays are a unique time in my home.  For starters I am pagan, thus I don’t celebrate traditional holidays like Easter.  Secondly we have no children, so there aren’t holiday celebrations for them either.  Lastly my boyfriend doesn’t celebrate any holidays or even birthdays.  This creates more of a lack-thereof situation when it comes to holidays in my home.

D’s lack of celebration isn’t unique to him; his brother is the same way.  Neither of them celebrates any holiday.  D actually gets a little upset if someone tries to force him into celebrating.  I can totally see that though; I’d be pretty mad too if someone foisted an Easter celebration on me, when that time of year I’m celebrating Ostara.

So needless to say, in my home holidays are no different than any other day.  For me personally I may do a private religious ceremony or get together with a couple friends to do one, but other than that we don’t do anything.

My family (eg – my mom, step-siblings, etc) does exchange gifts however, so that necessitates me participating in that.  My mom is the type who can’t understand how someone can live in a way differently from her, so she plans on getting D a Christmas present, even after I explained that he doesn’t celebrate.  She feels that he shouldn’t have to go without getting something.  So that’s certainly going to be interesting.

I have to say that the winter holidays are my favorite though.  I love the warm feeling I get inside when I think of families getting together and visiting each other, spending time together, etc.  However, I strongly feel that it shouldn’t take a special holiday for that to happen.  So many families go so long without seeing each other and they hold out until the holidays.  Now, I can see that if you’re very far apart, however even before I moved to San Francisco I would only see certain family members only on holidays.  Yet they’d say how much they missed me and stuff.  If it’s so important, then you should make time outside of holidays to visit family.

One thing that actually gets me quite upset is how much emphasis is put on Valentine’s day.  I’ve seen so many couples fight, people get hurt, relationships even end because someone (usually the guy) doesn’t do things right, or big enough.  Why on earth do you need to have this special day to show your lover how special they are to you?  In my opinion if you feel the need to do something special, then do it.  Why wait for a day that someone else made into something special?  Make a day special for you and your lover.

Really, I think the only holidays I have are actual holy days; the days that are holy in my spirituality.  I find commercial holidays to be not much more than an excuse to get people to buy things.

So recently my boyfriend has been getting his libido back.  Things have been looking up at home, his work schedule is steady and regular and our collective stress has been lessening.  So last night we were fooling around.  Our sex ended in a rather humorous epic fail, however it got us to talking later that evening.

My boyfriend wants me to seduce him more.  Typically he’s the one who initiates, and especially with his lack of interest lately I’d backed off; I didn’t want to try to push him or make him feel bad for not being in the mood.  Needless to say having him tell me that he wants me to seduce him made me feel really good!

But then it got me to thinking; I have no idea how to seduce someone! I mean, before all this stuff happened, I would just put on something sexy, parade around for a minute and we’d go fuck.  Not so much anymore.

Before we’d move we could sometimes have an hour long sex session a night, with a sink full of dirty sex toys afterwards, clothes strewn about, and both of us being jello legged while we go to take a shower.  Sometimes we’d take some erotic photos of me as foreplay.

We’re slowly but surely getting back into that, but a big complaint we had shortly after we moved was that our sex life had stalled, sure the sex was still good.  However it was the same thing over and over again.  We wanted something new and different.

Regardless of even all that; I still don’t know how to seduce anyone.  I can write instructional articles about it; I can give advice; I can write hot erotica including it.  However me? Actually doing the seducing?  I have no bloody clue what would work for us!  So, I have been having fun going through Eden Fantasys and looking for more couples type items to help set the scene and begin the sex.

What I’m really hoping to achieve is to enhance our foreplay; to extend it and create variety.  I’d like to feel sexy when I’m prancing around half naked and I want to ensure that D knows that I do find him sexy as hell and am just as attracted to him now as I was the first day we met.

I’m actually quite excited to begin this.  I’m formulating plans for an evening perhaps a month down the road where I’ll include a meal and drinks, maybe a massage, some music, candles and so forth.  Plus, me doing things like this will encourage him to continue doing what he’s doing and maybe also look for some variety.

Considering how much sex we have when home life is steady and more “normal” (well, normal for us) I’m really excited to see what we come up with for variety!