It was the summer of 1997, and I was going to be a Freshman in high school in about a month. I had been dating the “coolest” guy in town, his name was Mike. He had shoulder length black hair and the most mesmerizing smile. All the girls wanted him, but I had him! You know that when you’re a teenager, things like that mean everything to you. What you wear, who your friends are, who you date, and what cool gadgets you own are top priority in your social life. If you weren’t in with the cool crowd, you were nobody, and you were miserable!

I was 13 years old and was going to experience something that nobody ever should. “You know I love you” he told me. “If you don’t do it, I will find someone who will!” I knew he had no problem doing just that, every girl wanted him, and I wanted to keep him. Rape isn’t always brutal, but it is always forced. My rape was mentally forced upon me. Yes, I know I could have just told him to find someone else, but I “loved” him, like any other stupid 13 year old. I gave in to his demands and have had to deal with that for the last 14 years of my life.

It gets easier as time goes on, but it is something that I will never forget, or forgive. Mike took my innocence along with my trust for men. I had to grow up far before I should have, I had a child on the way. You heard right, I became pregnant with this child of rape. I didn’t know what to do, I was scared, confused and hopeless. I miscarried that child about eight weeks later, and had never told anyone of my pregnancy, until about five years ago. I am pro-life, and when people ask me what I would do if I were raped and became pregnant, I simply state that I was, and I had. If given the choice, I’m sure I would have kept that child, or at least allowed it to live with a different family, but I do know that I could not have aborted.

He sent me a friend request on facebook one day, about two years ago; I was shocked! I hadn’t thought about him in well over a year, things were going well. That one little click of a button brought up so many bad memories, but I had to see what he had been up to. After searching through his photos and reading his wall, I found out that he had fathered at least six children by five different women, one of which I know was coerced as I had been. I’m sure there are more children that he doesn’t know about, nor does he care. He is a rapist; he is self-centered, and he is conceited. Once I felt that I had seen and read enough of his profile, I scrolled down and blocked his account. I’m hoping that he will not try to contact me again, because the nights that followed were terrible. I had nightmares and was constantly looking over my shoulder, thinking he was going to show up at my house.

Looking back now, it is much easier to speak about, I feel that I have healed to the best of my ability, but the experience has messed with my view of men. Sex isn’t something that symbolizes love for me, as it does for many other people. I wish I could feel that closeness during sex, but I just don’t. If I kiss you, then it’s love! I find men to be ugly, and to look at a penis disturbs me. If you look in my toy chest, you will find no toys that are realistic looking. I am bi-sexual, but I am sure that has nothing to do with my experience. I do, however, find woman to be far more attractive than males. With that being said, you should know that I am married to a man. He is a very kind and understanding man, who knows all about my past. He is my soul-mate!

I am not sure what is considered “normal” for rape survivors, since I have never really spoken to any, or if I have, I didn’t know about their rape. However, I do have sexual fantasies about being violently raped. I know, it may sound odd, but I love it when my husband grabs me by the hair, ties me up and throws me down. Maybe it is because my rape was not violent? I am not exactly sure, but I do enjoy the rougher side of sex more than the gentle soft version.

Rape is always devastating, but it is not always violent. Rape is always wrong, but it is not always life shattering. I’ve moved on in my life, but I will never get over it. I was violated, but I have triumphed and grown. Rape sucks, but I haven’t let it destroy me. If you have been affected by rape, know that you are not alone, and you can move on. We were victims, but it isn’t like that forever, now we’re survivors!