How soon is too soon? Should you live together first? Should a proposal be a surprise? Is it public or private? Should a girl tell her boyfriend what kind of ring she wants? Is a wedding really all about the dress?

I have been having so many conversations lately about marriage, engagements, and proposals. Not because I’m engaged, but because a lot of my friends are. A few are waiting for their rings, and most people want to know when I plan to get mine. After all, I’ve been in this relationship for a year, what are we waiting on? (Their words, not mine.)

Many of my friends are very “pro-active” in their personal marriage dance. I have friends who went so far as to book a venue over a year in advance (before they had a ring) because they were planning their wedding already. I have other friends who literally designed their own engagement ring. Some people I know get engaged because they want the ring, but go for years without setting a date!

I, on the other hand, am somewhat traditional in the proposal, wedding, marriage dance. (I think.) I want to be surprised when I get engaged. I don’t want to know it’s coming, and I don’t want to worry that pressure from me is the only reason he is popping the question. If he talks to my dad and/or step-dad I don’t want anyone to tell me ahead of time! I don’t want other people to be present, because I feel that is a very personal and private moment, and I don’t want anyone else involved.

I don’t want to pick out my own ring. An engagement ring is a gift. It is a symbol. Yes, I know that I will wear it for the rest of my life, and some girls want to determine exactly what that will be, but (for me) that isn’t how an engagement ring works. When someone knows you that well, they know your tastes, or at the very least they know which of your friends know your tastes. It is a gift.

I don’t want to pre-plan my wedding. I don’t want to pick a season, a dress, and flowers ahead of time, because I don’t want a very long or very short engagement. I want to be flexible about everything, so that when the time comes for me to get married, I can plan a wedding with my future husband that suits us, and suits the circumstances at that time. I don’t want to have enormous expectations of that day, to the point that I lose sight of the important part: I’ll be getting married to the person that I love!

I know that I am in a minority among my friends on a lot of these points. I’m somewhat simple and traditional on a lot things. I know that we have such a diverse community here, and some of us want this traditional marriage and family set-up. Others aren’t allowed to marry who they love even though they really want to. There are plenty who don’t believe in traditional marriage at all.

What are your thoughts? Are you married? Did you have a big or small wedding? Do you hope to be married? Are you a pre-planner? Do you want to pick out your own ring? How important is the wedding versus the marriage itself?

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When working with victims of sexual assault, the line between responsibility and blame is one that has to be handled very delicately. While I would hope it goes without saying that it is never any one’s fault that they are assaulted, I’m going to say it anyway. IT IS NEVER THE VICTIM’S FAULT!

When I go out into the community to educate people and raise awareness about the issue of sexual assault, I often encourage people to try and make responsible decisions. I encourage young adults to stay together when going out on the town. I encourage young women and men alike that it is important that they clearly communicate their personal boundaries to their friends, so that they can recognize dangerous situations and help each other. Self-defense classes are a double edged sword in my personal opinion. It is great to learn how to defend yourself, should the need arise. Unfortunately, for some people, it creates a false sense of security. They believe that because they know all the right maneuvers they will be safe from an attack. This simply isn’t true.

It is a good thing to make responsible decisions, but responsible decisions do not always save you from an assault.

On the flip side, if someone makes irresponsible decisions does that make an assault their fault? The answer is NO! If you went out with friends and had too many drinks, and someone stole your wallet, would that still be stealing? Yes, it would. So then, if someone has too much to drink or goes to a bar with a bad reputation, does that mean that any violent crime that they fall victim to is their fault? No! The only person who can make the decision to commit that kind of crime is the offender.

I think that the ultimate message that we as a society need to get straight is that it is never the victim’s fault. I’m sure that plenty of you are familiar with Jackson Katz. He is an anti-sexist educator, and in one of his educational videos that I show from time to time he asks the question, “How low have we sunk?” when talking about our society. We teach young women to watch their drinks and stay in groups, to the point that when a woman doesn’t take those precautions an attack becomes her fault.

The question is: Why does society act like anyone under any circumstances should expect to be assaulted? Why are we not holding offenders responsible for their actions?

I was working with one victim who really struggled with self-blame. She’d been partying with this guy, and she felt like it was her fault for even being there. If only she hadn’t been drinking; if only she hadn’t done this; if only… An older gentleman that was a family friend framed it for her this way. “We are all responsible for the decisions we make. So you were responsible for where you were. You were responsible for what you had to drink, but you didn’t make the decision to be raped. The responsibility for that decision was {the offender’s}. So IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that you were raped.”

I know parents of teens who have been sexually assaulted walk a tough line between supporting their children as victims to ensure them that it wasn’t their fault, and still disciplining them for whatever rules they may have broken by being at a party/driving after curfew/lying about where they were. The premise is the same though, and that gentleman said it best. We are only responsible for the decisions that we make. No one chooses to be raped, and therefore it was not their “fault”.

We all need to combat the “they asked for it” attitude in our society, whenever and however we can. Making responsible decisions is something that we should make a practice of, and encourage among our peers, but crossing that line to say that irresponsible decisions make an attack the fault of the victim? That is a line that we should never cross.

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The statistics tell us that one in three women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. They also tell us that one in four women will be a victim of domestic violence.

October is widely known as Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This is a very important cause, and we should all do our part to promote prevention and awareness so that someday no one will have to die as a result of this disease.

October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a fact that is sometimes hiding in the shadows of a less depressing cause. Domestic Violence can be a difficult subject to broach.

It is important to remember that under no circumstances is it ok to lash out and hurt someone in anger. It is never a victim’s fault for the actions of an abuser, and yet so many people do not understand. We would never blame a cancer patient for being sick, and yet society will make a victim of domestic violence feel as though it is somehow their “fault” that they are experiencing abuse.

Some people will ask in bewilderment why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship. Some people don’t want to believe that anything like that could ever happen to them, so they believe that the victim must be a certain “type” of person, or they did something to ask for the abuse. Many people simply don’t want to think about something so depressing.

Books could be written, and have been, on why women (and men too) stay in abusive relationships. If you were to ask someone in that situation, there would likely be as many different reasons as there are people. Children, money, feelings of shame, fear of retaliation. For many individuals, the danger increases once they have left the relationship. It is no one’s place to judge someone else for what they have to do to get through a situation.

Unlike cancer, there is no cure for the evil and meanness in the world. There is no medication or chemo that will make an abuser realize that they are wrong for inflicting pain on another human being and immediately change their ways.

It is hard to live with the knowledge that you will never be able to fully “solve” the problem, but we can affect change. In our families, in our workplace, in our communities. We can, as individuals and a larger group, take the stand that Domestic Violence is not ok in any of the forms that it takes.

I would encourage you, if you aren’t familiar with your local Domestic Violence agency, to find out who they are and where they are. Invite someone to come speak to your group of co-workers, or community group. There are so many ways that you can be a part of the solution. Educate yourself and those around you to the resources in your area. Know the laws of your state. Take a stand for what is right and wrong.

Please don’t shy away under the guise of “what happens at home stays at home” or “it’s really none of my business”. If you see someone in a dangerous or abusive situation, show them that help is available.

You can visit www.ncadv.org to find a list of state coalitions. Those websites will direct you to the agency nearest you. It’s not an easy topic to talk about, but we have to learn to be proactive if we want to see change in our communities. I urge everyone to get involved. Local shelters are always in need of clothing and supplies for the victims they assist. There are many ways to volunteer with these agencies. Help spread the word, and take a stand against Domestic Violence.

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My family is no stranger to breast cancer. While I’ve known several women who have dealt with breast cancer, and a few who weren’t able to beat it, my grandmother was the one I was closest to. When I was in high school, my grandmother had to have a mastectomy due to breast cancer that wasn’t caught as quickly as we would have liked. She was embarrassed and understandably uncomfortable with the adjustments she had to make after the surgery. She had to spend large amount of money on specialty bras that included a breast prosthesis. I remember how hard it was for her to get used to the extra weight on the one shoulder where the bra strap dug into her skin. It was hard for me to know that she was putting on a brave face for all of us while it effected her so emotionally. I knew she was simply grateful that it was found in time to not be fatal, but the fact remains that it was an adjustment for her.

Once we became more educated on the issue, we were told that one in three women would have breast cancer in her lifetime. I have four sisters. We may be mathematically challenged, but even we could do the math with those odds. When you add into the mix that my grandmother is a cancer survivor and other family members have had other types of cancer as well, my sisters and I are vigilant about regular doctor’s visits. My younger sister especially has really gotten involved in promoting breast cancer awareness.

I have always been hyper-vigilant about any kind of recommended doctor’s visits, but in the past few years I have become painfully aware that I am not the norm. I have far too many friends who openly admit that they haven’t been to the doctor in years. When I ask ‘why not?’ more than one has replied with, “If something bad is wrong with me I’d rather not know.”

This mindset absolutely baffles me, but I have heard it from so many people! Breast Cancer may not be preventable, but it is totally curable if it is caught in time! How many lives could have been saved by regular OB/GYN visits?

No matter what a woman’s age, I believe that everyone should educate themselves on what to look for in a self-exam, and make a special point of keeping to her yearly doctor visits to ensure her overall health is being monitored.

My grandmother’s cancer wasn’t fatal, and I’m sure she would tell you that losing a breast paled in comparison to the thought of losing her life. Still, I wonder how much earlier it would have been caught if she’d been going to the doctor regularly? She relapsed a few years ago and had to take a chemo pill for a while. She is in remission again, but she struggles with Lymphoma and regular flare ups of celluitous in her right arm.

We all have mothers, grandmothers, sisters and friends. When you look at the incredible odds that someone you are close to will have breast cancer it is staggering. Yet if we just spread the word, we don’t have to lose anyone! I’m not a doctor, and I know that some forms of cancer are more difficult to stop, but when it is caught early, I have been told by doctor’s that generally speaking breast cancer is one of the most treatable types of cancer.

So while it is wonderful that we set aside October as a month to really raise awareness and promote women’s health issues, I would challenge all of us to make the effort year round. If you have a friends like mine that do not want to go to the doctor, really encourage them to do so. Make suggestions of good doctor’s in your area, or forward them articles that you find on the issue. Let’s not sit by without at least trying to make a difference!

I’m what the world calls Full Figured. I’m not extremely obese, and I don’t have any health issues. I’m about a size 16/18. Basically I’m comparable to the girls you would see in the “plus size” catalogs, but some people (my grandmother especially) wish I would lose some weight.

Here’s the thing though, I like my body. Sure, I’d like to lose some weight and maybe get in a little better shape, but I’ve got no desire to be “skinny”. I’m not anti-skinny people or anything that extreme; I just don’t want to be that.

I’ve always been able to feel pretty. I put on a dress and some cute shoes, and I feel just about hot. I love my large breasts, something I would inevitably lose if I got too small. I love that when I’m fooling around with my boyfriend there is an ass there for him to grab on to.

When I look at pictures of plus size lingerie models, and I see one with long wavy dark hair, I find myself going, “she kinda looks like me”. What?! I know I’m not a model, but there are plenty of times when I feel just as pretty as one!

It took a while for me to get here. When you have family members telling you that you’d be a knockout if you lost some weight, or guy friends saying that if you ever got to a size 6 they’d want to date you, it messes with your head. When I was in high school, I went through a phase where I thought I’d never be desirable unless I got skinny.

Then I started dating my first boyfriend. He was hot. Now, I’m not saying you should date people based on appearance, but when I was in high school and this guy picked me out of the tons (literally) of girls that were chasing him? This did amazing things for my confidence in my appearance.

Then I dated good looking guys from there on out. I know that “good-looking” is subjective to the person doing the looking, but I never felt the need to settle. I’m so glad that I’ve had enough confidence in myself to go after what I wanted.

I have a pretty good relationship with my body. I’m on my own heavy side right now, a comfortable relationship can do that to you. Even now, though, what I consider to be my “ideal size” (because numbers on the scale are so subjective) is only about 2 sizes smaller (12/14). Every now and then I will decide it’s time to tighten back up and get things back where they should be (right now for example), but I don’t hate myself or my body. I don’t have illusions about my weight or appearance, but I’m still satisfied with me.

At the end of the day, though? I think that this kind of self-acceptance comes from simply being happy with who you are. I know girls smaller than me who simply cannot be happy at a bigger size because they just aren’t happy with themselves, period. I think once anyone does a little self-evaluation and comes to terms with who they are and what they want out of life, being happy with your personal best will naturally follow.

As you can imagine, working with victims of sexual assault, I come into contact with women from all walks of life with very different belief systems and opinions on Birth Control, Abortion, and other issues surrounding pregnancy and the prevention of it. My personal beliefs are not important in the context of my job or in the context of this article. My only job when working with clients is to inform them of their options, and insure that they have the information needed to make a decision with confidence. What I have most often found, is that many women don’t understand the difference between Plan B and the “abortion pill”, or the different variations of each of these.

I live in the center of the Bible Belt, so often times I am working with women who feel religious or social pressure when making this decision. Some have beliefs that they are trying to reconcile with this decision of whether to take Plan B or not, and some struggle with what others will think if they knew. I’ve found myself many times explaining the difference between Plan B and abortion medication so that clients, and sometimes their parents, will understand the difference. Again, the goal is that they can make an informed decision. The point I most often have to clarify is that Plan B is NOT the abortion pill.

Plan B is very similar to birth control pills. For those who may not know exactly how birth control pills work there are two basic types. The first type are progestin-only pills, the second form are combination pills that contain both estrogen and progestin. Progestin-only pills, or POPs, work by thickening the cervical mucus, making it more difficult for the sperm to enter the uterus. POPs may prevent ovulation, but they may not be consistent in doing so. For that reason, many women on birth control pills choose some form of combination pills. Like the POPs, combination pills will serve to thicken the cervical mucus, but they are also more effective in preventing ovulation.

Plan B is a secondary form of birth control that can be used when your normal birth control may have failed, or perhaps you failed to use it correctly. The active ingredient in Plan B is levonorgestrel. This hormone is like estrogen and progestin in its ability to thicken the cervical mucus, but also makes it more difficult for a fertilized egg to attach to the uterine lining and becoming a fetus. Women take this as a preventative measure BEFORE they are pregnant to prevent that from happening. (As a side note. I have had some women tell me that they believe a fertilized egg is a life, and they consider even this to be equal to an abortion. Those women make a moral judgment here to say that they will not take the medication.) Like normal birth control methods, in the event that you are already pregnant, there is no medical evidence that it would harm your pregnancy. The main point I try to make to my clients (and to anyone reading this article) is that Plan B is NOT an abortion pill. The medications offered during a sexual assault examination are the equivalent of Plan B. It is only effective within 72 hours and will not abort an existing pregnancy.

The Abortion Pill, as most people have called it, is also known as Medication Abortion. These drugs are not available over the counter and are very different from birth control. The active ingredient, mifepristone, is an antiprogestational steroid. This means that the medication works by blocking the production of progesterone, ultimately causing miscarriage of the pregnancy. These drugs are only to be taken under the supervision of a qualified doctor in a medical facility. Normally women are given three pills the first day. They follow-up two days later, and if the doctor is not certain if the medications have been effective, they may be given a dose of another medication called misoprostal. This second drug can also be used to induce labor, explaining how it would work in conjunction with the mifepristone.

As with an in-clinic abortion, there is a long list of risks and possible side effects connected to this method, which include the possibility of vaginal bleeding for anywhere from 9 to 30 days and maybe even longer. As I mentioned earlier this is treated essentially like and out-patient procedure, and is only done under close doctor supervision. In the event that the medications do not work effectively, an aspiration abortion is recommended as the harm done to the fetus is irreversible, and the child would be born with likely severe birth defects.

Obviously, if I am talking with someone who doesn’t believe in any form of birth control, then there is really no conversation to be had. Many women in this area use birth control but are against abortion. Some of them are against Plan B because it has been presented to them by others as an abortion pill. In these cases I try to explain the differences so that they can make an informed decision. Some women have concerns with taking the medication if they are in a relationship where they have been trying to get pregnant, and they are afraid to harm an existing pregnancy. At least in the case of sexual assault exams, individuals are first given a pregnancy test before being offered the medication. If it comes back positive the Plan B is not given because it wouldn’t work, and they would also know that the pregnancy is not a result of the rape that just occurred.

As we all know a woman can be pregnant for several days before a urine test indicates that she is in fact pregnant. In these cases the Plan B still should not affect the pregnancy that already exists, but of course that decision is still up to the patient.

Everyone has a right to their own opinion and beliefs. Some people believe that birth control/abortion is a black and white issue, others think there is no cause for moral concern, and still others (myself included) feel that it is much more complicated than either of those approaches. In any event, everyone is entitled to their beliefs and the right to make their own decision. It is simply part of my job, as an advocate, to make sure that those decisions are fully informed so that there is no confusion or unneeded regret down the road for that individual.

I hope that people find this article helpful and informative. If you are interested in doing your own follow-up research I recommend these websites. They do a good job of explaining the drug uses and the way that these medications work.

http://www.planbonestep.com/

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/abortion/abortion-pill-medication-abortion-4354.asp

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/ (Wonderful for finding the drug facts for each of the medications)

So the first night my boyfriend came over to my place, I had my computer out working on a post I was planning to submit to Eden Café. When he came to the door I closed the computer, grabbed my coat, and left with him. We were waiting in line to rent a movie and he asks, “So what were you working on when I picked you up?”

I smiled and shrugged. “I was just writing.” That of course didn’t satisfy his curiosity, he wanted to know what I was writing. So I went on to say it was an editorial piece for a community site. That was enough for the moment. Maybe it wasn’t, but we’d reached the front of the line so he didn’t ask any more questions. We took the movie, picked up a pizza, and headed back to my place. It was a fun night, and of course it ended with some really, really incredible sex.

I was laying beside him in a post-orgasmic fog. I don’t remember exactly what was said but we both started laughing. He guessed that I wrote erotica. There was more laughing and joking. Then I went on to admit that I reviewed sex toys.

I cut my eyes towards him. “That doesn’t bother you does it?” It was the moment of truth, because there was no going back. He smiled and reached for me.

“Not at all! As long as you don’t review me.”

I laughed. He had no need to worry, he’d have gotten a glowing review. I took him seriously, though. Aside from telling people how wonderful he is, I try not to divulge many details of our sex life. Honestly though, he loves it. I get free toys to try out, and he definitely benefits from that. He loves that I earn gift cards too. The next item on the wish list is a Liberator Wedge/Ramp Combo. Needless to say we’re both looking forward to that.

Of course I have friends who know about my blogging and reviewing, and it’s like a novelty for them. That wasn’t a surprise. What was a surprise was that they’ve all told their boyfriends too, and the guys think it’s hilarious. My friends come back to me all the time and relay jokes that their guys have made, but they’re all in fun. One in particular appreciates that I introduced sex toys to his girlfriend.

Obviously I haven’t told everyone. There are definitely people in my life who wouldn’t find it as amusing or interesting as my friends and boyfriend do, but that’s why I don’t tell them. I did date some after I started reviewing and before I met my boyfriend. I didn’t feel the need to tell those guys, but that’s because I didn’t see it going anywhere… and because I reviewed them.