Hi, my name is Chili, and I’m a Craig’s List junkie.

Not a junkie in the fact that I actually use it as intended, (well, except for the occasional job ad answer when I feel like getting spam asking for my credit report) but as an addicted reader of various categories for either genuine curiosity or guilty giggles. And it’s the best place for free porn if I really want to admit it.

I’ve seen lots of crazy adverts, though. I live in an area of Florida that lists the entire county as an entry in the Craig’s List state subcategory of cities, and so I have nearly 1500 square miles of weirdos to read about. Although, my county has the most entertaining listings in the “Personals” category and the “Free” subcategory under “For Sale”.

I suspect it may hold true for other parts of the U.S., too. But anyway …

For this article I will focus on the “Personals” category (subcategory “Casual Encounters”). I would like to do a bit on the “Free” listings, but I cannot justify such a humor piece on Eden Cafe. Although, I will share that I once came across a listing of a free pet cockroach, whom the owner couldn’t afford to continue feeding Cheetos and cornbread.

Ready with your eye rolling and sighs of disbelief? Good. Towns and cell numbers have been removed to protect the not-so-innocent, and spelling and grammar have not been altered whatsoever. Please remember I am not making any of this up …

WATCH ME
“Lunch time jackoff, want girl to watch me come all over her pretty feet or flipflops. You don’t reciprocate, just watch me jerk my come all over your feet. By yourself or bring a friend(s) to watch.”

The accompanying photos spoke for themselves, though I can’t imagine any woman wanting a guy to jizz on her $80 sandals. If he wasn’t so focused on his fetish, he might have made a great small appliance salesman with his party photos.

YUNG STUD FOR MILFS CUGERS
“yo 18 yr old discrete lokkin for hott wuman ovr 25 I got 9′ uncut thik d/d hit me up no fatties no dudes”

Nine feet? Does he sling it over his shoulder and wear it like a meat scarf? Is that the reason why he doesn’t have any brain cells left to know how to spell? And anyone who writes this sort of ad can’t be discreet, let alone know anything about discrete mathematics. I didn’t think the title of Cougar was bestowed on anyone until they were 50, though.

WHERE ARE ALL THE REAL WOMEN?
“MWM – 35 – 6’2” – 185 lbs – 8” thick cut – clean d/d free – blonde, green, in shape – good-looking Looking for a real woman and not spam or dating sites. Must take care of herself (athletic or in shape), between 18 and 25, attractive, white, d/d free, no drama, and available weekday mornings and must host. Must be discreet as will I. Pic for pic. NO MEN”

This is pretty much the average ad. There’s a certain sadness in which the mid-life crisis age is getting younger. The photo could be anyone’s underwear-covered crotch, including former-Senator Weiner’s.

LOOKING TO MEET SOON
“Looking to meet someone that is not shy or afraid to meet. I am not some phycopath just a regular guy wanting to meet an atrative woman.”

Posting such a thing will make people wonder if you are, though, especially since your photo is you posed with your Doberman. At least you’re not doing anything to the Doberman.

LONLEY
“hey im 29 brown hair 5.10 just seeing whats out there my girlfiend posts on here so i thought id give it a shot”

Issues? Try volumes. Is the ‘girlfiend’ typo a Freudian slip? Five to one this will end up in the papers under the police blotter section.

PREGANT RISK SEX
“Hey. Sick of safe sex when you and me are both disease-free? Want bareback fun without the drama of a real relatonship? Hit me up. 6′, 190, built, 8.5” cut, black hair, brown eyes. Got a few kids, so I make great babies if you want me to be a donor to. Looks don’t matter, must be HWP, any race or age.”

Got a clean bill of health this very minute, buddy? What makes you think you aren’t carrying something right now from all your bareback fun? Really, go take care of those kids, and maybe get snipped while you’re at it so you don’t continue to contribute to overpopulation. Nice cock-pic, though, but I think I saw it advertised across the state in another town.

DON’T WOMEN WANT NSA SEX ANYMORE?
“vgl latin iso white or latina ladies for no drama fun age is just a # looks uniportent round ass welcome hit me up”

When did we want no-strings-attached to begin with? Sure, there will always be those who do, but maybe it’s the crowd he’s running with that wants something more? Anyway, I must take a moment to address this “hit me up” phrase that keeps showing up; first thing that comes to to my mind is smacking someone in the back of the head. Is this what they really want? It may explain a few things.

REVENGE ON GIRLFRIENDS
“Buddy and me got kicked out by our girlfriends, so we want some sluts to fuck until they take us back. Under 30, under 130 lbs, must host. No pros, fats, or trannies.”

No wonder their girlfriends kicked them out. Hope those girls didn’t change their minds. Also hope they found a better class of boyfriends.

UGLY GUY NEEDS GIRL TO CUDDLE
“21, overweight, shy, nerdy, ugly guy seeking understanding geek girl for cuddles.”

He wasn’t that bad looking in his photo, but low self-esteem does that sort of thing to a person. I felt his pain, but I don’t go for barely legal infants.

TRAVEL BACK IN TIME WITH ME
“Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Must be willing to be hugged repeatedly. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.”

Dude – ! I’m serious, I totally loved this post. He lived in the same town as me, and I was very tempted to e-mail and ask him about the arrangements – what era, what time of year, what place, how long will the trip be, does he use a Tardis or a Rubik’s Cube, etc. Oh, and ask him when was the last time he took his meds. But I’m sure he’s really too busy right now trying to afford to feed his pet cockroach.

So as a divorced-single woman in her 30′s and living in the modern age in which the world of dating has opened up from the local bar to the World Wide Web, I had joined a dating service to test the waters and see what’s out there in the oceans of spam and trolls. But as my friends and family know, I didn’t join just any old dating site or any of the popular ones advertising the finding of one’s soulmate.

I joined a dating site featuring British men.

A Brit man meat market! Wow, my kind of place!!! Where’s my shopping cart?

The premise is simple – British chaps across the world want to have relationships with women outside their culture, and the creators (British husband and American wife) made the site for these gents and the exotic ladies who want them. With a free profile and a very low one-time registration fee for Total Site Privileges, this seemed like a nice place to indulge in my Anglophilia fetish.

With registry and profile-making out of the way, I set to browsing the several hundred Brit-man profiles on the site, featuring everything from Hugh Grant wannabes to Sean Connery wannabes. Not to mention the alarming number of Christopher Eccleston wannabes with big ears and short-cropped hair.

But I noticed something about the profile pictures on these things. Lots of somethings. And I had to do my own something about it to address such a travesty.

Hence, here is the top ten list of which profile pictures shouldn’t be posted if you’re looking for a serious relationship …

10. Holding an Alcoholic Beverage: Sure, it may be one of your best casual pictures, but nothing screams ‘alky’ more than looking buzzed and holding a beer. Points must be given for honesty about your character, though.

Most Original Example: Not only holding a beer, but also being groped by a drunk woman wearing a short skirt, with her leg hitched up around your waist. For your profile picture on a dating site. Klassy with a capital ‘K’.

9. Non-Use of Flash: Dude, we want to see what you look like, not your outline. A flash will not sunburn your lovely pale skin. For all we know the photo is really of your cousin Ralphie. For all you know, it might actually be.

Most Original Example: “I’ll use this photo of me in the cave without a flash. You can just make out my cell phone.”

8. Sitting at Your Work Desk: Yes, yes, you’re a hard worker, and you’re really married to your job; you just want a housekeeper to look after your place and cook your dinner. Well, likely not, but desk photos are pretty lame, including the forced smile.

Most Original Example: Web cam picture while you’re sitting at your desk … and the background has a nudie poster. Fail.

7. The Other Woman: Really, chaps, is it THAT hard to find a photo of yourself WITHOUT another woman in it? We’re shopping for you, not the woman with her tongue in your ear.

Most Original Example: Nothing says ‘clueless’ faster than a profile photo of you dancing with a woman wearing a wedding dress. Especially when she’s drunk enough to have to hang on you to standing up.

6. The Bathroom Shot: Yeah, it’s convenient, but most cameras have a timer. Use it. I don’t want to see your bathroom, or your streaky mirror, or the camera in front of your face. Leave that for teenagers on Facebook. You’re looking for an adult relationship, take pictures like an adult.

Most Original Example: I really didn’t need to know about the hemorrhoid cream on your sink ledge. But thank you for helping me make up my mind. Next.

5. Reenactor Character: It’s cool that historical reenacting is one of your hobbies, but it should not be your profile picture. You really don’t look like your everyday self.

Most Original Example: “My role in my reenacting troop is the Executioner.”

4. You Like My Muscles: You know, we can tell you have muscles under a shirt. You really don’t have to take off your shirt and show them off. Oh, and you look American by doing that. Real turn-off.

Most Original Example: I am not lying, one guy looked like an albino gorilla with an outrageously bulked up top and skinny waist and legs.

3. In the Middle of a Group: Which one are you? Come on, I have to decide which one of these three guys is you? Couldn’t you have found a pic of you by yourself? Or were you holding a beer in that one?

Most Original Example: “Hair: blond Eyes: blue Height: 6′ Race: white” … ALL THE GUYS IN THE PIC HAVE THE SAME DESCRIPTION! Give us a clue! Better yet, I’ll give you a piece of paper with the word “CLUE” written on it.

2. Poor Cropping: Is PaintShop that hard to figure out? I want to see more than half your face and definitely the top of your head. It’s not artistic, it’s annoying.

Most Original Example: Well, yes, your headline does match – “British Guy with One Blue Eye”. But is there anything else to your face besides the one blue eye? Maybe another blue eye, nose, cheeks, mouth, chin … I hope you got the point.

1. Inappropriate Clothes: Do you really think American chicks of any quality will be impressed by your sports’ jerseys, or low-brow humor t-shirts? And the cowboy hat … give us a break. That’s SO American redneck.

Most Original Example: T-shirt of a naked chick with her legs open. Yeah, that’s really attractive and gentlemanly. Okay, so your Mum didn’t dress you, but please exercise a bit of taste.

Just remember: friends don’t let friends post bad profile photos.