For the longest time, I couldn’t really understand why a woman would want to wield a dildo. Even though I knew I was bi from the time I was 16, I didn’t get the appeal. It certainly never to me, not even in my deepest, most secret fantasies, to consider using one on a guy.

And then, one night, it hit me. I was at a New Year’s Eve party with some friends, including a friend who I’d had sex with more than once who was also bisexual. He and I were talking and I was trying to get up the nerve to kiss him (yes we’d had sex before, but I get shy easy), when the image of me bending him over and fucking him popped fully formed into my head with no warning. The image was a surprising one for someone who’d never seen the appeal of a dildo, but the wave of wanting to make the image real was even more surprising. I told him about the image that was becoming a fantasy and he also thought it was a lovely idea and would be more than happy to participate when it was feasible.

That particular fantasy has yet to be fulfilled, with that lover, anyway. I let it slip into the back of my mind, to simmer and get all kinds of juicy and yummy as I didn’t have a dildo and couldn’t afford to get one at that time. Plus, the only ones I’d seen then were either one sided or just unattractive double enders that looked like they belonged in a porn movie and not my bedroom.

Eventually, I started dating another friend of mine, who is also bisexual, but with much less experience with other men and almost none of it being on the receiving end of anal. We shared a fantasy about my fucking him. We went shopping for a dildo that we would both like. I favored the Share by Fun Factory, since that’s what my girlfriend and I use together. He was very interested in being penetrated, but also very nervous. I was/am also a bit nervous about doing the penetration, but excited at the same time. Being asked to be his first was a huge honor.

We set the scene by going to a hotel for the night. After dinner, he wanted me to cut his clothes off of him. It was…deeply erotic. The slide of metal on skin, the parting of the cloth, exposing more and more skin, until he was naked beneath me. Sometimes knife, sometimes scissors, sometimes ripping with bare hands.

And then, once he was naked, the real fun started. I got out the Share and slid the shorter end into myself and asked him to give me a blow job. It was mesmerizing, watching him slide his mouth down the length of the cock between my legs. The visuals alone were mind blowing; if I’d have been able to enjoy the sensation as well, I couldn’t have stayed standing. It got to the point that I couldn’t not fuck him, so I set about doing just that. Lots of lube, lots of working him until he could take enough of my fingers that I felt comfortable bringing the dildo into play, then, finally, insertion. I would love to be able to say that it all went off without a hitch, but that was not to be. I couldn’t really keep a hold of the Share and had a hard time thrusting, since I was soooo not used to being on that end of the cock. We tried several position, because even with the fumbling it was still deeply hot. There was so much love and need and trust in that room, it would have been impossible to not keep trying, no matter what we had to try to overcome. In the end, we had to give up on my fucking him to both of our wanted end, but we still had an enormous amount of fun and are looking forward to trying it again, now that I have a harness to help with the holding on.

I still have that first fantasy, the one that came from no where, floating in my head. I’m still friends with the man who figures so prominently in it, ass up and waiting for me. I have hopes that one day, I’ll be able to fulfill that fantasy and see if the reality matches the dream…

Polyamory:

From the Greek poly, meaning many and Latin amor meaning love. It is the practice of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time where all those involved have full knowledge of one another and have given consent. The term is often shortened to poly. There are many different types of polyamorous relationships:

Polyfidelity describes a form of polyamory that involves multiple romantic relationships with sexual contact restricted to specific partners in that group, possibly the group as a whole.

Sub-relationships create a hierarchy of relationships between a primary and secondary relationships.

Triads are often formed by a couple seeking out a third partner, creating a grouping of three people romantically involved.

Polygamy, both polygyny and polyandry, where one person is married to several people who may or may not be involved with each other.

Group relationships or group marriage where all members of the group considered themselves married to one another.

Networks of interconnecting relationships, where a particular person may have relations of varying degrees of importance or intimacy with various people.

Mono/poly relationships where one partner is monogamous, but the other has multiple relationships.

The different relationships are often described as geometric arrangements, including triads and quads, a long with V and N arrangements.

Open relationship is a term that is often considered an umbrella term for relationships where participants have sexual contact with others. When talking about a relationship involving marriage, it is often called an open marriage.

These are great definitions, but none of them get to the heart of what polyamory is. It’s work. Lots of work. You have to be willing to talk to your partner or partners about things you’d probably prefer to keep under wraps. You have to understand that you’ll probably get jealous and that it’s ok if you do, as long as you don’t let it overcome you and you talk about it. If you can’t communicate effectively, then someone is going to get hurt.

I’m in a network of relationships. I’m married, my husband and I are both dating the same woman and I am also dating another man, who happens to have another girlfriend. We wouldn’t be able function as a group without talking, often. About things we’d all prefer to not ever have to talk about. Time together has to be scheduled. Valentine’s Day involves some interesting logistics. Everybody has at least two anniversaries to plan. It’s…complex, to say the least. But I wouldn’t change it. I love my husband. I love our girlfriend. I love my boyfriend. I love the fact that we can have open relationships on top of our network, giving each of us the ability to be intimate with yet more people. None of us are looking for another relationship, that I know of anyway.

There are days when I get tired of being ruled by a calendar, but that’s not that different from my long journey through college and my people are a lot more fun to curl up with late at night than my text books ever were, even the sexuality texts. Sometimes having yet another person in the middle of an emotional crisis makes me want to scream (and, yes, I am including my own angst in that), but the closeness that comes after we’ve worked through something big, either for the relationship(s) or an individual, is amazing. The sex is fantastic and, as long as the rules are followed, can be with various partners.

The basic rules that our network functions under for outside sexual contact are these:
Veto Power (If one of us wants to have sex with someone that another of us has issues with, that interaction can be vetoed)
Try to avoid people who will try to claim you (Try avoiding people who can’t/won’t respect the existing relationships)
Safe sex (Condoms are your friend, etc)
Speak up if something makes you uncomfortable (This one is for more than just outside sexual partners and includes situations that arise in the network itself)
Talk about risk if person has STD before play (Some STDs are OK to take the risk with, others not so much. Recent status checks preferred for all outside sexual contact.)

My relationships have evolved in the last two years and have become a source of strength for me. I have many people to depend on; people who are my close friends and my lovers and my loves. I am very blessed to be living my life the way I want to and try to remember that whenever I start feeling frustrated by the rigid schedule we often live by to keep everyone content. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.