Airen | Eden Cafe

Polygamy/Polygyny

In wandering gingerly through the forums at EdenFantasys I have come across several forums where terms for relationship groupings are used inaccurately, and to save any further recriminations and hurt feelings I have decided to provide a short definition of each term.

Monogamy is the term applied to a relationship that is closed and involves only two people. Generally this is assumed to mean a male/female pairing, and most religions seem to prefer this set up. In reality this term can apply to MM and FF pairings; the only caveat is they must be closed to intimate relationships, usually involving sex, with other people.

Swinging and/or Open marriage is most often listed after Monogamy, as the couples are usually monogamous with all other aspects of their lives except that on certain occasions, either alone or together, they have sexual activities with other people. They do not form attachments with these playmates and have rules about how involved they may become with these others. Generally these couples see this as enhancing their sex lives, and they keep their core relationship strong by not investing any emotion into sex with others. Meeting with other couples with this same goal in mind feeds the need for excitement, and allows them to remain, otherwise, monogamous.
This is not meant to imply that poly folk don’t swing or have open relationships.

Polygamy is the religious term applied to marrying more than one spouse. One gender marries more than one of the other gender. Generally this is not considered the appropriate term for homosexual or gender fluid types of marriages. Almost 100% of the time these are heterosexual marriages. Generally the partner marrying the others is the only one allowed to have intimate, sexual contact with the other members of the marriage. Rarely is there seen a polygamous marriage where the participants have group sex.

Polygyny is the term for a man having more than one wife. Polygyny is usually a religious expression, but it can be secular. In a polygynist or group marriage, only the man is allowed to have intimate sexual contact with the wives, and generally speaking, the wives act either as ‘sisters’ sharing the duties of one household, or they have completely separate households. All children should be the husband’s, and all of the wives are considered mother to each child. The breakdown of the whole mother/child dynamic can differ between religious sects and even between different households. Some households consider dating to be done with the whole family, and some see that as a male only role. Love tends to be a secondary consideration in these types of arrangements, though they may be very loving and committed as a group and as individuals. Particularly in the religion of Islam, a man is enjoined to only marry more than one woman if he can provide them all the exact same amount of love, consideration, material goods and time. More than one Imam has said this is clearly not possible for every man, and therefore not every man should consider this type of marriage. Even the Mormons, who are the most celebrated adherents to the group marriage, have limits on how many wives a man can and should take.

Polyandry is the term for a woman having more than one husband. It is common in areas where women are either scarce, or resources to provide for children are scarce. The woman, generally, marries into a family of male siblings and takes all of them as husbands. All children are believed to be the oldest brother’s without exception, and the other men play a supporting role until they die, whereupon they assume the duties and rights of head husband. Again this isn’t a universal concept, but it is the most widely practiced. In other parts of the world a woman may only take one of a families male progeny as husband, but she will be expected to marry his brothers should he die. Love has very little to do with this type of arrangement, though it is true that the family may be very deeply loving and connected.

Polyamory is the concept of having many loving relationships. This love-style tends to be secular and spans the range of religions. It is equal opportunity and is usually grouped under the ‘swinging’ category, though most poly folk consider their groupings to be deeper than just a sexual relationship. In this category, you will see a bewildering array of groupings and ‘ratings’ or ‘rankings’. Here we can find heterosexual groupings, homosexual groupings, threesomes, foursomes, pods and everything in between. Some poly folk rate their relationships on a system of hierarchy, some prefer to consider them all equal. What sets Polyamory apart from Swinging, or even Open marriages, is the way that poly folk build more into their relationships than just sexual gratification.

Arguably the whole ‘work widow’ or ‘sports widow’ should be included in the poly category, as many monogamous couples feel as though they are sharing their mate with either his/her job, hobbies, or close friends. Sometimes these jobs, hobbies and friends can actually include a sexual element, but more often they don’t. Think of a policeman and his partner, A fireman and his firehouse, or a businessman and his office. Then you have the subject of kids and how they can make a monogamous couple feel as though their relationship has been invaded. When you factor all this in to the equation, you can see that regardless of the label you put on it we are all basically seeking the same things: love, companionship and partners with whom to raise children.

Really, although it seems complicated it really isn’t…it’s just different. The problems and joys are exactly the same regardless of your preferred love-style. Time is the finite resource for all types of love arrangements, and how you manage it will determine how successful you are.

In recent weeks a few concerned contributors to Eden Fantasys have bombarded us with treatises about sexual addiction. I prefer to think that it is done out of a sense that this is a sex positive community and as such everyone should be aware of the negative side of any behavior. I thank them for their concern but as a person who has vast experience with addiction I would like to also ease their minds about this supposed bug-a-boo lurking in the shadows. I could throw around some cobbled up definition of sexual addiction from Wikipedia but I think everyone can agree that this ‘addiction’ is filled with too much shaming activity to be rationally defined by the general populace so instead I will give a gentler and more pointed definition of the condition and discuss ways a person who has addiction in their lives can get help.

First my credentials: I am the adult survivor of a long history of addiction. My maternal Great Grandfather was an alcoholic, a sweet genial drunk who couldn’t keep a job and frequently needed my Great Grandmother to plead with his bosses to hire him back after a bender. He showed the typical irrationality and violence of an addict and my Grandmother grew up placating and excusing his behavior as her own or her mother’s fault. This is typical behavior for a child. She then married a man who while not an alcoholic was, in fact, the child of a dysfunctional family, again continuing the pattern of addiction. My mother continued the pattern by marrying a violent alcoholic whose entire family of 16 kids was devastated by alcohol addiction. After 30 years he finally sought and received help dealing with the alcoholism, but not the underlying problems causing the addictive behavior. My mother is still struggling with her emotional problems and it is showing in her physical health.

Which leaves me with myself; I continued the pattern by choosing first a man who had a devastating childhood and then choosing a man who had an alcoholic sister. Yes the maxim is absolutely true: Misery does love company! We chose to get help and have begun to break the cycle as a unit, but as you can see I have pretty vast understanding of addictive behavior. To begin to break this cycle I have had to do research and attend support groups.

So with all that said let me first ease your mind; sexual addiction is not an addiction to the chemicals released in the brain during sex. Sexual addiction is not a physical addiction at all! Most sexual addicts have a co-addiction to substances and have used the currency of their bodies to obtain the substance be it alcohol or drugs or even money. Not all sex workers are sex addicts, a sex addict may be able to function as a member of your church and you may never know the depths of their self loathing. Sexual addiction is never about the physical side of sex. Having a high sex drive doesn’t put you ‘at risk’ of becoming a sexual addict. Having a history of shaming practices surrounding the healthy enjoyment of sex can put you at risk. Being abused as a child sexually can also put you at risk for this addiction. If you add in some substance abuse then you have the perfect storm for what is essentially an emotional problem to become a physical addiction.

What exactly IS sexual addiction then? Sexual addiction is the practice of placing oneself or others at risk to obtain a ‘fix’ or receive a reward for behavior that causes shame. This shame, then, drives the addict to seek another fix, and another and another. This behavior must affect the addicts work performance, disrupt the normal activities of life, and be more persistent than lapses of judgment. In other words not getting enough sleep and being chronically fatigued can lead to lapses in judgment but it does not constitute a risk of becoming a sexual addict.

At the root of sexual addiction, and indeed any addiction, is the psychological need to punish oneself for real or imagined faults. When this pressure becomes too much the addict will seek to alleviate the need to consciously be aware of the shame and will choose the most expedient method to both punish themselves and trigger the pleasure centers of the brain. The cycle begins and remains psychological; pressure to build shame and then trigger the pleasure centers of the brain to obtain a temporary relief, or just numbness from the pain. The cycle will continue until it reaches critical mass or the addict hits ‘rock bottom’. The cycle will continue until the addict deals with the underlying issues that are causing the need to inflict shame upon themselves. This is a disease of the spirit that affects everyone around the addict but can only be treated by the addict. A major pathology of addiction is the intense desire of the addict to deny responsibility for their actions or their actions consequences. For this reason the addict must become aware of their addiction and seek help for themselves. This is the aim of any intervention, not to shame the addict into changing their behavior but to make them aware of the consequences of their intense desire to hurt and shame themselves.

The symptoms of sexual addiction are as varied and as nebulous as the symptoms of any addiction. There are varying degrees and usually unique presentations that may baffle even the best trained counselors. Usually sexual addiction is characterized by an intense need to have sexual encounters that are not satisfying or even enjoyable. These behaviors can start off small and snowball into behavior that is risky enough to affect personal freedom or ones health. The disease is an affliction of the emotions, therefore ‘ordinary’ sex doesn’t feed the shame cycle not trigger the release of enough chemicals to anesthetize the pleasure centers of the brain. The addict is, then, forced to seek other ways to achieve their high. The hallmark of sexual addiction is the knowledge that what one is doing is risky, threatens what one holds dear and isn’t enjoyable because it is filled with shame. So if you have a high sex drive, enjoy moderately risky sexual behavior, and practice safer sex are you on the ‘slippery slope’? Not at all! If you persist in activities that are clearly shaming in nature such as cheating on your partner(s), using prostitutes who are clearly in need and pain, spending all your money to fuel your never ending need for the sexual high, practicing inappropriate sexual behavior at work, using porn as an escape from your problems, denying your partner(s) sexual release that you cannot deny yourself and an inability to curtail any sexual activity that causes you shame then you are in need of help and MIGHT be a sexual addict.

What should you do if you suspect a family member or a partner is a sexual addict? First of all only and addict can properly diagnose their addiction. The first step to any addiction recovery plan is for the addict to admit they have a problem! The key here is for the ADDICT to admit they have a problem and that their lives are unmanageable. Most addicts believe they are doing fine and can stop when they want so this is the hardest and trickiest part of addiction recovery. Remember that this is a disease of the emotions and is shame filled, since no one LIKES being ashamed of themselves you can see the problem. For an addict the problem goes even deeper; the addict is no longer ashamed of their actions, they are ashamed of their very core being. They are defined by their actions, in their own eyes, complicating the recovery process and leading many addicts to resist prodding and shaming tactics from outsiders. As many addicts put it: “What can you do to me that is worse than what I do to myself? I expect you to leave so that is no threat. I expect to do jail time so that is no threat. I’m already in hell so not even God’s threats can change me.”

The ONLY thing you can do if you suspect your loved one is an addict is get help for yourself! You must take care of yourself at all costs even if that means seeing a counselor, getting tested for STDs, or even quietly and quickly leaving if the situation is too risky. You cannot cajole, threaten or love your addict into recovery, you can only love yourself and hope that in your reflected love for yourself your addict begins to desire your serenity. That works, people, it is the ONLY thing that works. Any 12 step program has an auxiliary meeting for loved ones of addicts to gather and support each other.

Sexual addiction should not be confused with high sex drive. A person who loves sex, enjoys pornography, relishes outdoor sex and group sex is not a sexual addict by definition because their behavior isn’t rooted in shame. They have a healthy desire to pleasure their bodies and can, at times, embarrass themselves or act inappropriately. A social drinker can ‘tie one on’ and embarrass themselves without being an alcoholic! The key lies in the ability of the person to rationalize their shame without internalizing it. I can admit I have done shameful things without believing I am a shameful person or worthless person. A healthy person doesn’t see themselves as fatally flawed.

If you feel that perhaps your ‘high sex drive’ is more than just a desire to have enjoyable sex then there is plenty of help out there. The key is to find a program that will not heap shame on you, the program should instead seek to help you discover the root of the same that is already crippling you. It should be loving and supportive even if you ‘fall of the wagon’. It should be a place where you can discuss and unfreeze those parts of yourself where you have stashed your shame. It should be a network of support that can prop you up when your knees go weak and you back is bent from the emotional pain. You should be in a program that mirrors to you healthy shame, shame that says “I have done things that are horrible but I am worthy of forgiveness and I am worth forgiving myself. I have value even if I do shameful things.” The program should give you techniques and exercises aimed at uncovering the why to your actions and also ways to feed the needs that go along with the why. A good recovery program should never shame, blame or heap insults on the addict. It should be there to gently redirect the shame, blame and insults the addict will hurl at themselves.

Sexual addiction is as complicated an addiction to diagnose and treat as any addiction and may be wrapped up in various other addictions such as drugs, alcohol, risk taking, anorexia and bulimia. One cannot and should not ever point at any groups of sex positive individuals and begin diagnosing sexual addiction. Though, for certain there might be a few people in the group who are struggling it never helps to heap shame and labels on an addict. For the others who are simply, exuberantly, expressing their joy and satisfaction it is insulting and at worst you run the risk of creating shame where there wasn’t any.

When I talk about the decisions that Sigel and I have made about our marriage I get asked a lot of questions, A LOT of questions! Most people want to know how they can convinced their partners to have threesomes or swing. What they don’t ask is what measures we take to avoid getting sick. Sure they tell me all about the supposed horrors of ‘free love’ and how porn starts will test positive for HIV and then infect bunches of people, which is a misrepresentation of the facts in a very harmful way, but what they don’t ask is how we actually go about keeping ourselves safe and healthy. World Aids Day is Dec. 1, 2010 and in honor of this day I would like to give a run down on the real risks and hazards of having multiple partners.

I won’t lie to you, my Doctor considers Sigel and I to be living a moderate risk lifestyle. While he says moderate what he means in his heart of hearts is unnecessarily risky lifestyle. There are risks beyond the jealousy demon that people focus on when you invite people into your bedroom. More than your relationship is at stake when you decide that you have an itch you want to scratch. While morning after regret is a really horrible and almost inevitable it is nothing compared to wondering if that little bump is razor burn or herpes!

Most people seem more worried about falling in love with someone other than their partner but they don’t even consider that they could be responsible for killing their partner with improper idea about a swinging lifestyle. Polyamory isn’t about having lots and lots of sex anymore than monogamy means you have strict vanilla sex in the dark for procreation only! An open marriage doesn’t mean anything goes anymore than a closed marriage means you don’t have sex but once or twice a year. So let’s dispense with the lies, myths, and misconceptions; shall we?

What should you do first if you are considering opening your marriage to something beyond monogamy? Even before you wander in to your partner to drop this bombshell on them you should educate yourself about the REAL risks of whatever lifestyle you are contemplating. Visit your Doctor and get a full physical, understand that STDs are considered of no concern to monogamous couples even by medical personnel, this is a dangerous assumption that has lead to many diseases not being caught during the early stages when treatment may be as simple as a single penicillin shot! The sad fact is you don’t ever know if your partner is cheating on you, I don’t care how ‘tight’ your relationship is or how you watch them suspiciously, you are never 100% certain your partner isn’t stepping out. There is nothing wrong with trusting your partner but verifying your health status! Some STDs can hide away in the body for years only to devastate your life later, it’s just good common sense.

When you go to the Doctor for a health screening you should specify that you want to be tested for any and all STDs and you’d like to discuss your risks. As long as your doctor knows what you are planning or what you are doing he/she can work with you to devise a plan to keep you as risk free as possible. Plan to be tested at least once a year if you are monogamous and twice to four times a year depending on your risk factors. Make getting tested simply a part of your health regimen and you cut your risk factor down by an amazing degree. It’s like those mammograms you do; yes they are slightly painful and even embarrassing but you do it to prevent losing a breast or your life! The most important thing you can do for yourself if you want more than one fluid bonded partner is keep yourself disease free!

The next thing you will want to do if you are contemplating opening your relationship is make sure your partner is 100% on board for the WHOLE lifestyle. This means being willing to do things like demand to see the latest results of a potential playmate’s health screenings. You and your partner must be able and willing to discuss any potential playmate’s sexual health and their risk factors. How often is this person’s getting themselves tested? Do they regularly go to the doctor’s office? The dentist? Remember that gingivitis is an inflammation of the tissues in the mouth and poor dental hygiene can be a vector for viruses and bacteria to enter the body. You need to know and if possible meet any person they are currently in a sexual relationship with, and you have to be prepared to ask them all the same embarrassing questions. You have to be willing to answer them as well. This is important even if you plan to use every safer sex barrier known to man!

If you are planning to attend a swing club then choose one with an in depth screening process that includes documentation about your sexual health. You can be reasonably sure that they are asking everyone the same information. Be very clear on what the club’s rules are about bringing friends or dates, if possible you want a club that is closed to outsiders and that checks ID. When you visit the club there should be condoms, gloves, dental dams and good quality water based lube available and in plain sight. There should, preferably be rooms with locking doors available for patrons to have sex in. These rooms should have all sheets and blankets changed after a group leaves the room. The atmosphere should be relaxed and friendly, not tense and scary. The music should be low enough to clearly hear conversation, one should be able to say no and be clearly heard!

If you choose a partner to play with and you have done all your homework, what then? Remember that some viruses hide in the body for years so always assume that even with a clean screening you should use barriers. You should have on hand: several styles of non-sheepskin condoms (sheepskin prevents pregnancy but not viral/bacterial transmission), good quality lube that is condom safe and you have used before (you don’t want a nasty reaction to your lube while on a date), dental damns, full hand gloves or finger cots, and possibly toy condoms should you decide to share some of your favorites. Do not brush your teeth just before he date if you have a tendency to bleed. You don’t want cuts in your mouth should the condom or dam break. Brushing in the morning or at lunch time, depending on when your ‘date’ is will be perfectly fine. If you are worried about your breath then get some breath freshening sugar free gum.

Pay special attention to your partner as you are having sex. Are they clean and fresh smelling? Is her vagina clean smelling and free of any odd bumps, sores, pimples, and odd patches of redness? Is his penis clean smelling and free of the same bumps, sores, pimples and red patches? Is the head of his penis free of irritation? This is why putting on your own condoms and placing your own dental dam is important! If you see anything you are concerned about then feel free to ask your partner, if they get irritated or rude then it’s probably time to politely leave.

The most important thing you need to do before ‘convincing’ your partner to have a threesome or open your relationship is to educate yourself! You need to know what the symptoms of venereal disease are, what venereal diseases are prevalent in your area and what the best ways to protect yourself and your partner from them. You need to know what treatments are available and where to go/what to do if you should think you have been exposed. You need to be aware of the risk factors involved in all sex practices and decide, based on your research what risks you are willing to take.

For instance: the riskiest sex you can have is unprotected anal sex, giving or receiving! Viruses and some bacteria are small enough to be absorbed easily through the walls of the intestines directly into your bloodstream. A condom, used properly can cut your risk down significantly.

The next riskiest sexual behavior is unprotected vaginal sex, giving or receiving. The tissues of the vagina are thin and absorb nearly as well as the intestines. Viruses and bacteria can be shed through the vagina, and seminal fluid stays in the vagina for quite a long time increasing the risk that these same viruses and bacteria will be absorbed. Douching can force seminal fluid higher into the body where the tissues are even thinner increasing the risk rather than decreasing it. A condom can cut your risk down significantly.

Blood play is sometimes listed as the next riskiest sexual practice, and sometimes the act of cutting the skin is listed as the riskiest sexual practice for obvious reasons. This includes vampiric sucking of blood, flogging until the skin breaks, basically any act that causes you to bleed during sex is highly risky. Blood play is one area where one is at significant risk without a barrier to protect ones self. The use of antibacterial spray or an alcohol pad can reduce the risk as can careful handling of the blood. This is an area of play that you had better be sure you know your partner is clean!

Oral sex without protection is a low risk practice but it can lead to the passing of STDs. Cuts in your mouth from vigorous brushing is a major culprit but extreme gingivitis is another risk factor. Anytime the mouth is inflamed or the integrity of the gums is challenged you risk viruses and bacteria entering the bloodstream. Oral herpes can be spread to the genitals and surrounding area should the virus be shed in an area where it can enter the body. Though rare it has been known to happen! A condom and/or dental dam can significantly reduce the risks of oral sex.

Finally we have hand to genital contact which is a risk if the cuticles of the fingers are not intact, inflamed, or bleeding. Fingernail biters know what I mean! The hands get cut fairly often and while the risk is fairly low compared to the other sexual practices it’s still a risk. A latex glove, or other examination type medical glove can significantly reduce the risks associated with this sex practice.

Ejaculation on the unbroken skin of your partner, giving ‘facials’, or allowing the ejaculate to land on bedding is still risky as it can be passed into a mucous membrane. Again a condom will reduce this risk.

Toys can also be a risk factor for STDs and yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis. Some kinds of materials can increase these risks because of their incredible porosity but using a condom, properly, over ALL shared toys can completely eliminate the risk! Just because your lover uses a silicone penis doesn’t mean you cannot get sick from it.

As you can see the decision to open a monogamous relationship is a serious one that involves more than good communication and knowing how to deal with jealousy. While the risks of open relationships and multiple partners is significant you can reduce your risk and maintain your health easily with responsible health maintenance and proper safe sex practices. Education is the key; learn your risks, learn how to properly use barriers such as condoms and dams, and get tested often.

On December 1st we pause to remember all who have passed or are currently living with HIV/AIDS, let’s also remember that we have a responsibility to ourselves to reduce our risk of adding to those numbers. Forget the myths and shaming behaviors and deal in reality. Enjoy sex, and I mean REALLY enjoy sex; alone, with one special partner, or with many special partners. There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex with multiple people but there is definitely something wrong with not being responsible for your own health. Responsible non-monogamy is possible and can be very safe, the responsibility for this lies in you.

When I was a teenager I learned about AIDS in school. I was a sheltered teen and my Mother and Father believed that I would grow up, go to college, meet a ‘nice guy’, get married and never have to worry about AIDS. I wasn’t gay, or a guy, and I wouldn’t be promiscuous because despite my childhood I was raised “better”. I know they had these thoughts because they told me, over and over.

In the fall of 1985 I finally got Sigel’s attention and he met my parents. My Dad’s words to my Mother were, “She wants him and there’s nothing I can do about it.” This, then is when my parents went into STD warning frenzy! I had always been encouraged to research addictions, diseases and educate myself enough to properly care for my body. My parents, however, didn’t know any other way to deal with their fears except to scare me into doing what they wanted. Trusting me to be an intelligent young woman was foreign to them, I’m 40 years old and they still feel the best way to help someone is scare them away from ‘dangerous’ activities.

Like everyone else I was shocked and horrified about what happened to a young man named Ryan White. This is my first memory of HIV/AIDS being brought up at home. My Mother was convinced that some gay man had raped the 9 year old because the implication that this illness could affect us was terrifying. I had had a blood transfusion around the same time as Ryan but it was on the other side of the world in England. The thought that I might be carrying this virus undetected gave my Mother and Father nightmares. I was tested for the disease and for some odd reason this seemed to solidify the thought that Ryan had been raped by a “dirty” gay man. I know from the media storm that she wasn’t the only one who had this awful bias and the Whites were ostracized and horribly treated. What I took from this story was the need to verify information before forming an opinion about a topic, something that I still struggle with.

AIDS was still a disease that affected “dirty” gay men and the “sicko whores” who had sex with them when I was learning about it in school. I was actually taught that the disease could be contracted by visiting a public pool if some men had had gay sex in it! I was taught that having unprotected sex with someone was to have sex with everyone they had had sex with for up to 7 years, and it exponentially got worse if the other person was promiscuous. I was told that if I was married I was SAFE from HIV and other STDs!

I remember it being the Bogeyman and given that there was no cure I, too, was scared. I’m still scared if the truth is told. I lived for many years thinking I was safe because I was monogamous, I assumed my husband was monogamous as well. I never allowed a medical person to approach me with a needle unless it was securely wrapped and they had nitrile gloves on. I handled sharps and bandages as though they were nuclear waste!
I was so afraid, but arrogant. I am ashamed now that I perpetuated the myths about HIV transmission instead of finding out the truth.

I know this fear was the only thing that kept me on the monogamy treadmill; I would want to have sex with someone, more often than not because Sigel was excited about the idea and it excited me, but the thought that they might have HIV stopped me cold. Sometimes I would push the fear aside and actually have sex with others but then the fear would hit and I would get verbally abusive with Sigel. I told him he had forced me and that I didn’t enjoy it, as though if I didn’t enjoy the sex I wouldn’t be “bad” and therefore wouldn’t get sick.

I knew I should, but didn’t approach a Doctor and ask what my risks actually were! I didn’t get tested mostly because I didn’t want to know the answer. I believed that God was punishing the “bad” people with AIDS and I sure as hell wasn’t “good” even though I tried to be. I knew all the people whom Sigel and I played with were clean because they were smart and actually got themselves tested regularly, but I had no idea what Sigel was doing on the side…and apparently it was quite a lot!

My perceptions were wildly skewed as well, I had this image of wealthy athletes and wasted addicts being infected. My friends and I discussed that probably it was the wealthy athlete’s fault for sleeping with wasted addicts who were probably street walkers. We heard the reports of suburban housewives being afflicted along with “NICE” families but it never seemed to hit home. My early attempts to placate my parents infected my actions as surely as HIV was infecting my world.

As my daughters began to grow up I felt a need to educate myself on the real dangers of sexual activity, for their sakes. I realize now it was for my sake most of all because I was tired of living in fear. I learned that I was more likely to get Hepatitis from my lifestyle than I was to get HIV! Through exhaustive research and asking the hard questions I learned the truth about having multiple partners and how to keep yourself safe. HIV/AIDS is a factor in our lives, it will be a factor until they either have a cure or a vaccine. I have decided not to live in fear but to educate myself and my children.

I am not monogamous and I have given up the crutch of believing God is the sex police. God doesn’t punish with sickness, hopelessness and death. These are the natural consequence of choices or just horrible accidents. You can minimize the risks of a non-monogamous lifestyle and catch most treatable STDs quickly and easily, you just have to be willing to do it. Using barriers such as condoms, dental dams, nitrile or latex gloves, and toy condoms properly can reduce your risk significantly for most diseases passed through the sex act. Add in to that equation getting to know a potential sex partner, talking with them openly and honestly will further reduce your risk. Getting yourself tested regularly and encouraging your partner(s) to do the same reduces your risk even further.
I love the thrill of being in the same room with several people who are all happy to have me there and sharing incredible sexual experiences with them, I enjoy the thrill of being with one special someone for a night of incredible ecstasy, I also enjoy the peace of mind that comes from knowing that I am not a “bad” person who is destined to be punished for my likes by a vengeful God. To my mind now that’s like saying if I walk into a restaurant I am dicing with death because they COULD poison me, sure they could but I LIKE eating in restaurants. I minimize my risks and keep myself otherwise healthy!

I got the chance to see the AIDS quilt when it traveled through my area and I was struck dumb by the sheer numbers and pain of the families. This time it didn’t strike fear in me, it made me determined to fight. I keep myself informed about the strides made in combating this virus and the advances made in treatments. I learn what I can about the virus and how it behaves, and most of all I don’t judge someone who is diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. Sometimes shit happens and these people, regardless of their choices aren’t “bad” people either just sick and fighting for their lives. So many shining lights have been lost to this terrible virus, so many children who never even got the chance to live. I believe that there isn’t anyone who hasn’t felt the impact of AIDS in their lives whether they actually know, or knew, a person afflicted. It has impacted us all and will continue to impact us all for many years, possibly generations. My sorrow is for those unfortunate people who watched a loved one die of this horrible disease and instead of receiving a well spring of empathy got nothing but blame and derision to outright hatred. It’s not bad enough that they had to watch their loved one waste away before their eyes they also had to suffer the slings and arrows of public misinformation. It still happens today. My hope is that setting aside a day where we can share our thoughts, feelings and real information about AIDS will lead to a world where this is another horrible but largely preventable disease. A world where someone who’s loved one is suffering through either the disease or it’s treatment can receive sympathy, empathy and just plain love from a stranger.

I pray everyday that I won’t ever have to watch or be the person suffering from this affliction. I hope no one I know ever has to watch a loved one suffer from this virus. I pray my life remains largely untouched by AIDS, and I pray for a world where this is true for every person.

Ask For What You Need

“I’m sorry.” We’ve all heard it a million times, usually yelled at us exasperatedly in a foolish attempt to appease a guilty conscience or worse to stop an argument. We’ve all said it. We all know it does nothing to ease the heartache, or the betrayal regardless of the magnitude of the hurt.

So what is the answer? Do we stop saying we are sorry? In part I would submit that we SHOULD stop saying we are sorry when we are really trying to say something else entirely! I’ve done a lot of thinking about the subject and I’ve come to some really interesting conclusions about the whole topic of apologizing.

I am not saying that we should never apologize for having hurt someone or seek forgiveness, what I am saying is that we should ask for what we are really feeling or wanting.’I'm Sorry’ means you are feeling remorse. It doesn’t mean you are seeking to resolve an issue and doesn’t automatically guarantee you absolution. There is nothing wrong with saying that you are sorry for having caused someone pain but that you aren’t sorry for having done the deed. For instance I am sorry that my parents feel pain that they haven’t met my son but I am not sorry for protecting him while they are still struggling with their problems.

When you are feeling remorse then you should stop and acknowledge this fact as soon as you can. It might be hard to face someone whom you have wronged but if you wait, the moment will pass and you will never get the chance to heal your own hurt. When you admit remorse resist the urge to explain your actions, this never sounds sincere and you may inadvertently end up blaming your victim for your own actions. You have the right to make mistakes and to feel remorse for them. If the person you are seeking to show remorse to is abusive then it’s fine to simply write down how you feel or tell someone whom you trust will not be abusive how you feel. The point is to be able to forgive yourself not explain away what happened. Everyone says things they regret later, you are no exception!

When someone expresses remorse to you, just listen. You are not obligated to forgive them, you are not obligated to understand their choices, nor are you obligated to stop being hurt by their actions or words. You can simply acknowledge that you have heard the remorse. If you are feeling up to the task you can also promise to think about what was said and open the topic for conversation later. This, in my opinion, is the basis for proper mature disagreements.

You cannot hope to have a mature conversation about touchy subjects if you have no understanding of how to end conflict in a mature manner. You have to leave the door open to your partner so he/she can approach you in safety to express remorse. You also have to be VERY sure you don’t retaliate or force false confessions of remorse. The real thing is healing, fake remorse can ruin a relationship faster than any other trespass can do.

If the person saying “I’m sorry” becomes abusive or accusatory resist the urge to fight back. The best thing you can do is assure them that you have heard their words and that you will think about what they’ve said. Then end the discussion or leave the area. Someone truly remorseful shouldn’t feel the need to inflict more pain or shift blame. Understand that this is a hard process and be gentle, after all this is someone you care deeply for!

Above all else, do not say you are sorry unless you truly ARE sorry, the truth will come out eventually and it can lead to a further breach of trust.

‘Forgive me’ is a plea for absolution. It should be remembered that in order to be forgiven you must really believe you deserve forgiveness. You have to believe that you CAN be forgiven and you must be able to forgive yourself. You also have to understand that when someone says “I forgive you,” they aren’t obligated to stop being angry or stop working through that anger and hurt. I do believe they are obligated to not use the topic as a battering ram against the offending person. Forgiveness is a sacred thing to many people but it isn’t something that is done lightly nor is it a right. No one is obligated to forgive another person but it is true that you won’t get forgiveness until you can give forgiveness.

I have been told that in order to forgive you must forget but I cannot agree with that. I can forgive totally but to forget the hurt is to invite it to happen again. Trust builds forgiveness as well as forgetfulness, once I begin to trust that I won’t be hurt again I can begin to forget the offense. This is something to remember when you are desperately pleading for forgiveness. This is a process that must be worked through not something that can just be done.

Most of the time when someone is begging to be forgiven they are really begging to be heard. Before you seek absolution ask yourself if you really need forgiveness or if you need to feel like your concerns and your pain has been heard. If you are really looking for an ear then ask for this, not for forgiveness. If you are asking for forgiveness because your partner is using abusive tactics then you should seek either a mediator or other professional to help. If you are the type of person who is abusive until they receive a plea for forgiveness then you need to do some soul searching and growing. To receive generosity of spirit and gentle forgiveness from others you must first extend it, no matter how hard it may be, no matter how badly you are hurting.

In my experience most vicious battles between lovers can be solved by a gentling of spirit. What I’m talking about it that soft, gentle feeling that allows us to softly say, “I love you, let’s take a moment to calm down and then let’s talk.” It takes two, or more, arguing people to agree to this more mature way of disagreeing but when they do it is so much more productive.

So what do you do when you aren’t sorry but you want the argument to stop? You know your partner is hurting but you don’t feel responsible for whatever reason, what then? I submit that this is the time you should acknowledge that you know your partner is in pain and that you are willing to listen. That’s the key, you see, being a good listener. Listening without internalizing what’s being said. Listening without the need to defend oneself is a skill that takes YEARS to develop but it can lead to a deeper more committed relationship, it simply can’t help but improve communication between lovers! To do this you must be willing to sit quietly in mind and heart, centered within yourself, and hearing every word without planning out a response or carrying on that internal dialog that can drown out the person you are supposed to be listening to. This is TREMENDOUSLY hard, give it a try next time you are listening to your spouse. Count how many times you look away, your mind wanders, you interrupt or begin to defend what you THINK you are hearing. The amount of times you do this will shock you, it will bring you back to the present if you practice this ALL the time. This way when you find that you and your partner(s) are disagreeing you will be able to center yourself and really, really listen. When you know that you have heard your partner(s) you can formulate a truly educated response. In this way you can begin to build a foundation of trust and gentle consideration. Who is going to be afraid to be truthful if they know they will be heard and allowed to speak their mind without being second guessed? Doesn’t that sound amazing? Picture it: a relationship where you will be able to know what your partner is thinking and feeling because they will joyfuly and trustingly TELL you! You will also receive the same in return because humans naturally pattern what they get. Every day and in every way the ‘golden rule’ or ‘rule of three’ if you prefer, holds true. What you give you shall receive. So be a great listener, forgive gently and with a generous heart. Understand that others may struggle to do this but that is their inner turmoil not yours. Speak your mind without attempting to manipulate the situation. Know what you are asking for and be willing to accept no as an answer.

I recently had to relearn this lesson and it was particularly painful for both my co-parents. I wish in my terrible need to hurt Sigel I had thought for just one moment about how that need would become subverted into an equally terrible need to seek forgiveness. It could have saved us all a whole bunch of heartache.

I am making an odyssey into the murky waters of different toy materials. I am excited and I have to admit to a little bit of trepidation. This is something that in my household was sneered at, only oversexed sluts had ‘sex toys’. Sometimes I worry about whether I’ll have the time to use all these toys! Will my partners think I am silly? I think that is a non-issue, they already think I am insane…and cute. I keep explaining to them that I am NOT Cute! I am sexy! They nod their heads and laugh, then hop around after I kick them in the shins. >.<

I have discovered that I enjoy playing with myself, something that has taken years for me to be comfortable with. I enjoy taking a bit of time for myself and making love to myself. I think this is a necessary thing for everyone since you truly can’t love someone else unless you love yourself. If you cannot accept that you are love-able then you won’t ever truly believe that you are loved. Likewise if you don’t know how you like to be touched you can’t show someone else. As we’ve established though my other articles, your partner cannot read your mind, so if you don’t tell them what you like (or better yet show them) you won’t get absolute full enjoyment out of sex play. It will torture your relationship and it’s so avoidable!

So ok I decided that it was silly for me to be afraid to walk into a store and buy a product that is meant to pleasure my body. Sigel drove me to the local sex toy store on the same day I discovered EdenFantasys, I was impatient and wanted the toy before I lost my nerve. I don’t regret it except that the selection at this particular store is geared more to horny men than women. I chose a jelly rabbit, not because of any tv show (I have never watched Sex in the City) but because it looked cool. I had an old rubber dong and a rubber sheath/vibrator combo both from Doc. Johnson so I felt comfident that my new toy would be fine as it was from the same manufacturer. I didn’t know anything about lube or cleaning the toy so I didn’t buy any of that stuff. We giggled all the way home, then called Arch to show him my new friend. He rolled his eyes and wondered why I needed a fake cock with two at my disposal…I told him the rabbit doesn’t call me cute. >.<

I kept having the same burning feeling after using the rabbit as I did after using my dong and the rubber sheath but I never put to gether that it might be the lack or lube or the materials. I just figured that I was thrusting them too hard. It wasn’t until I got into reviewing for EF that I learned that sometimes people can have adverse reactions to certain materials, and that lube is a necessity. I was washing my toys, another necessity I learned all about at EF, and I carried the rabbit in the crook of my arm against my bare skin. I removed the toy and noticed that I was breaking out in red patches which quickly became hives! I was allergic to the materials in the toy. With the other arm I tested the dong and sure enough another breakout! I didn’t get any reaction to the hard plastic vibrator so I decided to request products that were rated at or higher than hard plastic.

Suddenly I could thrust to my hearts content and not experience the awful side effects. Toy playing became fun for me on that day and I’ve never looked back.

Since then I have had the joy of experiencing: rubber, TPR, silicone, glass, and elstomed. I have come to adore toys that are easy to clean, resilient and filling. I am looking forward to trying aluminum, stainless steel, wood, cyberglass, leather…so many new things to try! There are even toys made from stone and life like materials that mimic real skin! I feel like a stranger in a strange world but I think I’ve finally found a place I belong.

One of the nicest effects of this whole journey is my new found confidence that has made me attractive to my guys in a whole new way, it’s made me attractive to myself as well. I have learned that I am a dynamic, likeable person who has value. Something my upbringing and early life had failed to teach me. For all those people who believe that testing toys and reviewing them has no value except to make money for the business that employs them, I challenge them to try it for themselves. In the end they might decide that they like what they see in the mirror, if not? Well they had a hell of a fun time for however long they tried!

One last word before I wander off to the bedroom to show Arch how to use his new Fleshlight, if you notice that playing with certain toys causes pain or discomfort afterward be sure that you are cleaning the toy correctly, for most materials the soap you use to clean your genitals will work fine. You know that won’t cause discomfort already. Then try using a condom over your favorite toy, if this helps the discomfort you might need a different material. Above all else make sure you have plenty of good quality lube on hand, and that you use it!

I hope each and everyone of you has a safe, amazing sexual odyssey of your own, and I hope it brings wonderful things into your life, like mine has!

On Being Open

I have come to the realization that most people have no idea what an open relationship means. I don't mean what it entails, because there are countless articles and even books written about that concept , what I am talking about is what it MEANS to be in an open relationship! Being open means being willing to entertain the notion, it doesn't mean 'anything goes'. It doesn't mean having strict rules and punishments, it mean embracing the idea of new things and experiences- openly. This is where the discussions come into play, the boundaries get set, and the lines get drawn.

When I tell my partners that I am open I am saying that without prejudgment I will listen to what they are desiring and after careful thought I will discuss whether the idea, experience or person they are desiring is something I am comfortable accepting. An open relationship is like an open door, if left completely unguarded anyone or anything can walk in and set up house, or walk out with everything we own. It is a real concern, after all, it's why locks on doors were invented- to protect us from those who would do harm. An thriving relationship is one where all parties involved are trusting that each of the other partners is watching the door and only allowing sunlight, fresh air and birdsong in. This applies to thriving monogamous, poly amorous or swinging relationships.

It's a given that it isn't going to be Paradise all the time in any household. There will be bug bites, stray dogs, hungry cats, neighborhood kids, angry voices and blaring car horns ruining the perfect day. If the family is committed to having that door open then they are aware of the risks and are willing to wear bug spray and perhaps install a screen door, which is what rules and boundaries are, in essence. They are a fully locking, screen door that forces outsiders to knock before entering. They keep children safe from harmful outside influences and strays out. They still let in sunlight and fresh air but provide a barrier, a buffer against the outside world.

Some relationships like some houses operate better when instead of a screen door there is a wooden door, a more substantial set of rules and boundaries. That wooden door says "We're not interested in visitors, this isn't a good time for outsiders," or simply, "Go away!" If you know you have bad influences outside that door this only makes sense. If it's frigidly cold outside then a closed door can be a great comfort, which is the essence of the feelings of most happy, warm monogamous couples. They see the snowdrifts outside and are content to sip cocoa together and snuggle by the roaring fire of their desire for each other. They know it will be warm outside again and they know that fire might not burn as fiercely when the sun is shining outside but they are content to enjoy their days together, whatever the weather might bring. Some couples open that door together and play in the snow or sunshine, happily insular knowing that when it's time to go inside they have a wonderful barrier to shoo away other playmates. Still others love to invite playmates in to share the roaring fire of love with them after a day of play. They are aware that this might cause strain but the contentment of the loving times drives them to make room in the house for these new partners.

So if, like in my relationship household, you have a wooden door on your bedroom but the door is open, what are you saying? For us what that means is we welcome others to come have a look inside, possibly visit, but we reserve the right to close the door and evict all those who aren't family…and possibly some who are. It is our way of protecting the sanctity of our relationship and it gives us a way to pull back and a place to talk openly and freely.

In a closed relationship, that is closed by force, cheating occurs when one partner peeks through the keyhole or outright sneaks out the window. It is commonly thought that this can't happen in an open relationship because 'what's the point? The door is open!' Cheating in an open relationship tends to occur when one or more of the partners forces locks to be put on the door which only open with certain keys that are jealously guarded. For instance: Rules like 'you can't spoon with another person,' or 'no open mouth kissing' can lead to a partner cheating. It is natural to want to save somethings for your main partner or each of your partners. These things should happen because of true desire, if one partner truly desires to save spooning or open mouth kissing for their specific partner then the rule becomes a key to the lock. If compliance to the rule is forced because of one person's arbitrary wish to control the amount of joy their partner experiences, then the rule becomes a lock with no key, essentially a baited trap.

Add a lock to a door and watch any human suddenly want to open it even if he or she KNOWS what monsters are on the other side! Rules must show respect and love to be fair and easily lived with. In our relationship (Sigel, Arch and I) it is disrespectful for any partner to force the door open to another relationship's bedroom. What I mean to say is: What I do in the bedroom of a lover is no concern of my other lovers unless it affects my personal health or emotional well being. The same respect is demanded and returned to each of my partners. In our relationship home a closed door is cause for concern but respected. If it remains closed for too long some rescue mission might be attempted but if there are happy sounds coming out then there might be a polite knock. So yes, while we are open to new possibilities we are careful to protect our home from those who don't have our best combined interests at heart. We are careful that our demands and desires have the best interest of each of our unique relationships interests at heart as well.

So being open means literally what it says, being OPEN. It has lovely connotations as you have seen but there is also another side. It also means being open to hearing condemnation, criticism, ridicule, and heartache. It means that you must be willing to hear about when you have left the door open and accept responsibility for whatever comes through the door. It means being open to compromise even if it is uncomfortable, sort of like having to wait to have that cake and eating it later. It means that you are open to the concept that it is still possible to hurt your partner (or partners) even if they are smiling and trying to be welcoming. It means a willingness to accept the blame, soothe the troubles egos and work toward a new common goal. Being open is about staying open even when it would be easier to walk away and slam the door behind you.

To my mind this is where so many relationships fail, either they have no door and no one minding the house as the thieves wander in or they have so many locks that they accidentally trap a partner either inside the house or, worse, outside! Any relationship needs boundaries and rules just as every house needs a door. In the most functional homes the locks on the door serve as protection when the focus of the family is on other things. Likewise a good set of rules that can be negotiated and rewritten as needed serves to protect a relationship when the focus of the partners is shifted elsewhere. I would caution every reader to make their relationship home, regardless of the amount of locks on the door, a place that each family member wants to come home to. A thriving, happy relationship is one where all participants WANT to be at the end of a hard day. It's a place where you can look up with a satisfied smile and say, "It ain't perfect but it's home."

Love Won’t Follow the Rules

Some people say the secret of polyamory is firm, unbreakable boundaries and contracts. They say that you should communicate your needs and desires and build a foundation of understanding between all the members of the proposed grouping. Everything should be discussed and debated and fairness should rule the day.

Boundaries protect the "core" or "primary" relationship and make sure everything stays stable. Right?

On paper this sounds amazing and reasonable but what happens when these boundaries are too rigid and seek to contain or avoid rather than free emotions? What happens when your boundaries don't protect your "core" relationship but rather restrict it from being all it could be? Shouldn't you just debate, restructure and enforce those rules equally and fairly?

It sounds so easy and many people talk themselves into believing these principles without understanding the core of what makes polyamory, polyamory. The core of the lovestyle is LOVE and love ain't fair, doesn't have firm boundaries, it grows better when it's allowed free reign and defies all logic! You can't present love a list of rules and regulations and expect it to be happy, it doesn't work!

I hear many times about people who are searching for that one special someone to add spice to their existing relationship. This is great but what worries me is that they rarely look at the equation from the third party's eyes. I can't imagine the heartache of being hemmed in by rules and regulations and knowing that your place is akin to a living toy for a couple who are using you to build more intimacy and experiences in THEIR relationship! As the third you are expected to be available to play when the couple needs you, and then go away to live your own private life. It gets worse if the wife or husband doesn't want to play as well. It ends in flames more often than not when the third decides they want more for themselves but the original couple is so rigidly defending their "primary" relationship that they are inflexible.

Some couples assume that if they can formulate rules, regulations and boundaries that this is the sign that their relationship is mature and stable. To me the opposite is true. To have the need for walls and battlements implies that the couple don't feel safe or secure. Love doesn't allow for walls and boundaries, love tears down walls and builds bridges! Still, fear causes even the best of us to occasionally demand seemingly innocuous things that can snowball quickly into the very scenario that we are trying to avoid.

Consider if you will the following example: We had a rule, Sigel and I, that play is play but at the end of the night our heart's belong to each other. This was to prevent anyone coming between Sigel and I and causing us to not love each other anymore. We even stated it as such! Sigel proved to be adept at this, he could have other women and none of them captured his heart. Then he decided that I should get together with a friend I had met online, remembering the rule of course. So we met and I found that I loved this man, loved him fiercely enough to fly at Sigel like a wild women daring him to make me choose! This was the VERY situation we had made the rule to avoid. The problem for me was loving Arch didn't make me suddenly not love Sigel. I wasn't torn with wanting to be with one man over the other, I wanted them BOTH equally. People constantly tell me that I MUST not love them both equally, that it isn't possible, but they are totally wrong. Love is like that.

Rules are good for a poly family, it helps with time management and makes sure that there are clear consequences in place. Flexibility needs to be the first rule in any relationship, I believe, the ability to work through problems AS they occur is the real test that your relationship is mature and can handle the addition of others. When something happens and your first thought isn't "Dear God I'm gonna be all alone, he/she is going to leave, it's over!" you have achieved this breakthrough. I think people who claim to not feel jealousy have already mastered this lesson. I have found through my own experiences that if I deal with the jealousy issues as they happen, rather than trying to formulate an escape plan, I am less and less inclined to get jealous.

It's like sitting and imagining what would happen if your partner died. Imagine sitting and thinking about all the ways a person could die. naturally you would then begin trying to make sure that it couldn't happen- no more driving, no more using sharp objects, no more walking outside, no more bathroom usage, no eating meat, the list goes on and on until you have a partnership that is no longer living just to prevent pain should one of the partners die! This sort of thinking ruins all relationships but more frequently polyamorous ones. Frequently the musings of a person afraid of being alone, or of being cheated can turn even the most loving romantically bonded pair into a couple frightened and thinking thoughts that can lead to heartache. Trust is a fragile but tenacious thing, it becomes less fragile the more it is allowed to exist without limits and boundaries. Let's face it, being alone isn't the worst thing in the world that can happen to you. The worst thing that can happen to you is to be alone when your whole being screams to be with someone who has left. The very worst thing that can happen is knowing you drove off a person who loved you deeply because you were afraid of that love and what it could mean. I know because I have done it myself.

People always assume that jealousy is the big wrecker of open relationships but I think it has more to do with fear and that it is the same fear that kills monogamous or closed relationships. Fear that we will die if we are hurt, that our lives will be over. It's a natural thing to want to avoid this pain but you must be super careful that while avoiding the pain you don't blunder into something worse! For instance how many times has one partner said "I was so afraid that he/she would cheat on me that I NEVER trusted him/her." Only to hear from the other person, "I was never trusted and so I began to wonder why I bothered to be faithful!" While it might invite pain to live as though every person is 'innocent until proven guilty,' I have found that when we offer this kind of trust to people, more often than not, they rise to the challenge. Also, when we offer this trust to others and they fail we can much more easily see that it was their fault and not make it a personal character flaw. That person failed to be trustworthy, but if you have extended the trust to many others then you have those others to rely on should your trust be abused. It's not an easy way to live but then again the best things in life are never easy.

I often revisit those early fights Sigel and I had where he made a conscious effort to forgive my "transgression." While we both admit that Arch has brought so much to our lives that we desperately needed, it would have been a much easier transition if we hadn't clung to a rule that shouldn't have needed to be made. Love is not a scarce commodity that has to be guarded and protected! Time is a scarce commodity but love isn't. Like I said earlier, rules help poly families with time management but rules can drive a stake through the heart of any relationship when they are there, not to protect, but to inhibit. Give your love, and trust, free reign and it will return to you deeper and more meaningful- whether you are choosing to be monogamous, open, or poly.

Dark Times

I remember a particularly dark period when I first found out I might be pregnant with my son. So many emotions were exploding inside me, partially because of the hormones and partly because this pregnancy wasn't expected. Today, however, even though I am facing a heart wrenching goodbye I can't say that I wish I hadn't done this. In a few weeks we will say goodbye to Arch and travel home with Sigel. Monkey will be distraught as will Arch but in the end it's what this family needs and we will face it with as much strength as we can manage. Arch will be going to school in the spring semester and it is our hope that he will be accepted to the DeVry College near our home. If not then he will go to another campus and in three years we will be able to finally be together as a family. Today, however, I was watching my Monkey play with a cloth shopping bag and as he looked into my eyes and babbled about his "find" I began to think about this past year. It's not been an easy year but, for today, it has all been worth it.

First off, for those who don't know, I have been married to Sigel for 20 years. We have two beautiful girls who have just started to venture into teen age years. We have had our ups and downs like any couple, well probably more downs than most couples who actually stick it out but then again we didn't have the best of childhoods from which to form a framework. Still with tenacity and lots of love we have stuck with it and hammered out the type of relationship that works for us. We have a deeply intimate, loving relationship that we finally believe in.

Five years ago, give or take, we met a man who while young offered us something vital that we were needing. Notice I didn't say we were missing this vital ingredient, but we needed it none-the-less. As we spent time together that feeling grew until Sigel decided enough was enough and invited Arch to come visit us and we got to meet face to face. See, Arch lives in Canada and we live smack dab in the middle of the US. We hit it off spectacularly, which lead Sigel to remark that it was somehow "right" that he be there with us. From that point on we've been inseparable, except for this damn border!

We didn't practice any form of birth control other than timing, mainly because I was told that my hormones were the reason that I had such difficulty getting pregnant with my girls. This was a grossly irresponsible decision made by a biased doctor who didn't even look at Sigel, but we trusted him. It took three times for me to get pregnant with our Monkey because it was Sigel who had the problem and Arch and I are very fertile! I had been assuring my erstwhile virgin that everything was fine until suddenly I knew it wasn't. I felt my uterus do this odd little almost explosion…it's so difficult to describe but each time I have had a viable, healthy pregnancy my uterus has done this shake from the very top of the fundus to the base causing my cervix to spasm. It feels like an explosion of energy outward, or a backwards orgasm! It is the moment of implantation and though I was ecstatic, I couldn't help it cause that's the other fillip I have a rush of hormone that makes me happier than I have ever been at any other time, I was also terrified! I had assured and reassured Arch that I wasn't going to get pregnant and then I was. We had only been together for three years and I didn't know how he was going to react since he had told me many times he wanted children but not yet. He was only 23 at the time and didn't have a clear view of what he wanted to do with his life. I was so afraid that he would reject this baby, and me for lying to him. He was stunned to learn how I felt and I think he was hurt more that I didn't trust him enough to talk to him. He accepted that even if I said there was no way that I wasn't the great Creatrix, and there was the opportunity for me to get pregnant regardless of what I said! He was stunned, scared, excited and sad that we were so far apart.

Sigel reacted in a way that was both terrifying and painful. He announced to me the moment we saw that faint double line on the pregnancy test that he would start divorce proceedings even though he has assured and reassured me he wanted me to get pregnant and would support that decision. As a triple we don't make decisions that are life changing without discussion after discussion but it was still a shock to him. He explained later, after the fireworks, that he wanted to make sure we knew that the offer was there if we wanted to make sure Arch could be there for the whole thing, to be a father. This was the time we learned to our pain that we weren't ready to be together without being married, Sigel and I. Arch has always supported our needs as a unit and supported this decision as well. He has always said he won't be a home wrecker, he's not looking to replace Sigel and so he refused to marry me even if I divorced Sigel. We decided that during a pregnancy wasn't the time to make anymore life changing decisions. Sigel's insurance would cover me and any child I had regardless of biology so we went on.

The fights got very heated and I began to regret my decision not to use protection even though I desperately wanted this baby. Finally Arch caught wind that Sigel and I were tearing each other apart over this and he put his foot down. No more fighting, no more threats, and we were to deal with the underlying issues or he would be forced to take rather drastic measures for the sake of this new baby and our existing children. It was the wake up call Sigel and I needed. As we calmed down and began to talk, supervised by this iron-willed man, we came to the heart of the issue. Sigel felt like we were making a family that would edge him out in the end, which is what he felt about his sister who was born when he was 25. It was what his father had told him, that he had another family now and no time for him! I had no idea the bastard had said this to him and even Arch teared up when he heard Sigel admit this in a sad, little, lost voice. Our poor broken Sigel, suddenly everything made sense. We worked through this horrible revelation and began to make plans for our future, real plans. Arch loves our girls as though they were his own and he is awed that two such broken people could raise such well grounded normal kids, he knew that his son would have the best of all worlds. He would have a mother who loved his father to absolute distraction, a father who was focused on giving him the best life possible and a step-father that both his parents loved. Once Sigel realized that he was, legally, Monkey's step-father it solidified his place in the family easing his fear and opening the way to allow him to love this new baby as his own.

It's been a hard and emotionally draining year but as I sit and watch my son learning to walk, trying his best to talk to his sisters, who love him to pieces I still can't dredge up any regret. We are still working on bringing our family to one house but until then we will continue to live, and more importantly love each other.

The Return Of My Image

Body image is such a hard topic for me. For most of my life I have avoided looking at myself in the mirror because I have never recognized the person I see. To say my image of myself doesn’t match reality would be an understatement. Buying clothes is torture for me not because I hate the way I look but because when I look in the mirror after trying something on I can’t believe that is me. I see my Mom, and sometimes my Dad but I always fight back tears because my mind rebels screaming desperately, “That’s NOT me…please don’t let that be what everyone sees when they look at me.” I know my intimate details; I am 5 foot even, close to 185 pounds, brown hair, brown eyes, full lips, large breasts. I have a vague idea what I look like but I think somewhere along the way growing up I just simply stopped remembering, stopped looking and began to dream. I managed to go from bad self image to zero self image, zero boundaries and no idea how to cope with what I see and feel.

My body shows the years of careless abuse, my hair is all but ruined from years of hormonal problems and bad diet, I wear glasses that will soon be bifocals, I don’t own a nice dress because I can’t find one I feel comfortable wearing. I don’t own a pair of heels because I have nothing nice to wear them with. I don’t buy lingerie because I can’t stand to look at myself wearing it. I am 50+ pounds overweight and I have made all the nasty things I was told during my teenage years come true: I look awful.
I stopped caring what I looked like around 12 years ago, though the process was started long before that. In High School I was beautiful, but I had womanly curves. I was told that I couldn’t put on makeup correctly, not in a nice constructive way but as painfully and humiliatingly as possible, usually in front of people who should be hearing nice things about me. If I looked nice my Mother would say, in an affected voice, “Yes and it’s a good thing she didn’t do her makeup like she USED too, all that black eyeliner she LOVES to wear makes her look plain awful!” No matter WHO was in the room. It was so bad even Sigel grew callous in his comments to me, remarking one night in a restaurant that I had a better mustache than he did. This wasn’t a mediocre restaurant and I had spent all day getting ready for this date.

Each cut to my self esteem never really healed but they scarred, badly. I began to duck my head and continued to blend in with the scenery even as I fought to stand out. Through it all I cried inside because crying outside invited abuse and I knew even then that I wasn’t allowed to have ‘negative’ feelings…mind you, not that I wasn’t allowed to express negative emotions, I wasn’t allowed to HAVE them. I was told that my whole life, “You will NOT be angry at me,” “You CANNOT be hurt by what I just did,” “You WILL understand how I am not responsible for the horrible things I say or do because I am telling the ABSOLUTE truth and you cannot be angry at me for that,” and the worst one “The world does not revolve around you!”

If my face broke out my Father would angrily question me or my Mother about why my skin was so terrible looking. Forget the fact that I was going through puberty and our family (both sides) is notorious for terrible break-out prone skin. I was told my nose was HUGE, it’s not as a matter of fact, it’s beautiful. I love my nose oddly enough! I was too short, too fat, too smelly, too made up, took too long in the bathroom, had no sense of what I should dress in, was lazy, incompetent, stupid and over sexed. My parents insisted and still insist that they love me but even though I am 40 years old nothing has changed.

I have been told that I don’t deserve pretty things and that I am totally ungrateful for the nice things I do get. The worst part is for most of my life I believed it. I didn’t have a self esteem problem to discuss with my therapist because I had zero self worth and therefore NO self esteem. It hurt so bad to know in my heart that I deserved all the nasty things that life threw at me, it was all because of some flaw in me. No one else was to blame it was all me because these people who were hurting me LOVED me and therefore weren’t to blame. I was loved but I wasn’t worthy of it…

I stopped thinking, stopped looking, stopped caring. I gained weight to bring the inner vision of me to life, my teeth began to rot, my skin was sallow and full of zits. I never dressed up even for family holidays and I refused to buy nice clothes. I played on line role-playing games because no one could see me to judge me.

I was attacked by my parents for my time on-line even though I was a grown woman but when I played on-line games I was valued, REALLY valued. When people couldn’t see me, the qualities that make me a good person began to shine through. I am great at organizing events, dealing with irate people, I can type very fast and I can multi-task. I lead large groups of gamers through intricate dungeons and people had a great time. I slowly began to see the real me and I met someone who fell in love with me, the real me. He began to tell me that what I said about myself was bullshit and demanded to meet me. I resisted and the more I said no the more he insisted, until he started talking to Sigel. It was Sigel who set up a face to face meeting between us three and it was Sigel who asked Arch to make love to me if he was interested, it was the only way he knew to get through my inertia.

Arch was interested, my God he shined with his desire for me. I saw shining in Arch’s eyes how much Sigel loved me and through Sigel’s eyes I saw how desirable I am to other people. I have slowly begun to build a healthy view of myself by seeing the vision of me they have. For five years I have been a work in progress and I have made some major breakthroughs this year. This year I bought a pair of jeans at the proper size because I wanted something nice to wear when I visited Arch. I have gotten so much exercise that I am actually in real danger of having to buy a pair of jeans a size smaller when I get home…YAY!

The real breakthrough came just yesterday, I have been wearing my bathing suit and a pair of jeans at the amusement park we frequent, yes ME, wearing a bathing suit and jeans in a place where tweenies wander around looking all cute! I fight the negative attitude and LOOK at the pictures of myself enjoying the rides. It is still a struggle, but yesterday I saw myself reflected in the glass of a door at the park, and for the first time since I can’t remember how long, I LIKED what I saw! I looked presentable and I dare say even nice. I am a work in progress but that progress is becoming more evident by the day. I can change a lifetime of negative thoughts and influence, I can be the beautiful person I am meant to be. I know that one day I will be able to look in the mirror and not see my Mom or my Dad, one day I will look and it will be ME that I see. I am looking forward to that day with all my heart.