Hi you guys!

Rayne’s just getting over the flu and keeps hiding behind cats and pillows and M so no one can see her “purtiful” (as she called it) nose when we try to get the camera on her. But the show must go on, eh? So in the meantime, we figured we’d at least give you a topic to work with! Hopefully Rayne and her nose will be better by February.

New Beginnings

Some people believe the old adage “New year, new start.” If the turn of the new year really did wipe the slate clean, what would you be happy to be rid of?

This doesn’t have to be your deepest, darkest secret! You don’t have to tell the tale of the day you were off your game and destroyed someone’s life without even thinking about it. Maybe you wish the new year would wipe away a horrid TV show, or a popular fashion, or a trendy hair color. Whatever it is, tell us in video!

ANYONE can participate in the EdenVlogs topic of the month and get a gift card to EdenFantasys for doing it! Just record yourself talking about the topic and upload the finished product to EdenTube. Then email Rayne at rayne(at)edenfantasys( d0t)com with a link!

by Sexy Tabby
When the post first came onto Eden Fantasys Forum calling for members to be a part of Eden Gives Back, I was really impressed. Every year I usually give to local foster children because I truly believe every child should be given the opportunity to know Christmas with all the splendor and the magic that it represents. As an adult with three children of my own, I understand a parents need to see our children smile during the hardest of times. Those smiles are our future and we should have the opportunity to nourish them as often as possible. The Eden Gives Back Program has done just that and I am honored to be a part of it.

After getting the okay to be a representative of Eden Community in the program I went to our local Department of Social Services and asked for a family to adopt for Christmas. I was surprised they had so many in my area. Over 300 submissions within 20 miles of my location. They asked what kind of family I was looking for and the only answer I had was one with children that would honestly benefit from our efforts. I was given four families to choose from. That was horrible. I felt like a beast because I was turning away other children that needed someone to care for them as well. But the choice was made and our Second Christmas Family decided; a loving family of nine.

When I accepted the family I knew they had been displaced and were being housed by the state. Both parents were working but they were still struggling to get back on their feet. After talking with the Mother I found out they were in a home too small and desperately waiting for their own home, which wouldn’t be rebuilt until February. Out of seven children there were three boys that were sharing a twin size bed. This was disrupting the older boy’s performance in school and leading to issues that simply weren’t necessary. The mother said they needed many things, and that her family and the state had helped replenish their winter clothes, food and most basic needs. Their list of wants wasn’t too bad, so I started to plan while waiting to post for donations on Eden’s forum.

The reality of such a large family struck as I was making lists of items I wanted to buy for them. I didn’t know how much we would raise, but Black Friday came before it was over and I couldn’t resist. I bought all kinds of goodies while the getting was cheap. Hot Wheels, baking ovens, play doh and baby dolls were just some of the sale items on my list.

When I found out we had raised $373.77 I was really excited. It was more then I budgeted for so I could get more for the kids. Each child ended up with their requested toy and a complete outfit. In addition I had several miscellaneous items that they could share — stuffed animals, interactive animals that sang, danced or played tug of war, coloring books, reading books, board books and so much more. I also was able to buy them each a stocking stuffer bag filled with candy, toys and activities that were age appropriate for each child.

For the parents I wanted them to have peace of mind that their children would be happy and secure with the magic of Christmas but that doesn’t mean Mom and Dad shouldn’t get anything. With the left over funds I bought them a Lenox Candle Set, perfume, cologne, a variety of candies and photo albums to document their large family all over again.

Being inspired by the Eden Communities efforts to help so many this holiday season I took it upon myself to go beyond what was received and to get a bunk bed for the boys. Now all three boys would have their own separate sleeping area, my own added gift to the parents. I thought space would be an issue but I was certain they would be able to make enough room for the bed. Ended up with a wonderful used set with a white metal frame, a double bed on the bottom, a twin on top and a sofa love seat with a pull out bed. With that we got bedding stuff too. Figured they’d need sheets and waterproof mattress pads

I think my overwhelming moment came when I was wrapping the presents. There were so many and my own children where driving me crazy asking questions about the other family. They knew the gifts were for a homeless family who needed some help while they got back on their feet. After banishing them from the living room I got back to wrapping. It took forever. Eventually, my three came downstairs with a trash bag. My six year old said her baby toys could go because she wasn’t a baby anymore and other babies could still play with them. My boys had items they no longer played with as well. So, in addition to all the toys Eden bought for the family, I cleaned up the used toys and gave them the bag from my children too. And the inspiration of caring and loving others is passed down to the next generation of children.

When we delivered everything the Mom and Dad made all the kids go to one room and let me tell you what – seven children are extremely loud! It was hysterical to hear them trying to figure out who the strangers were and peeking out the window at us hoping to see what we had. All of their presents were hidden because they were all coming from ”Santa” but the furniture was taken into the house. The kids were bouncing off the walls excited about the bed. Those parents are going to have serious little monkeys on their hands!

The Mother and Father were extremely grateful and pass along their appreciation to the entire community and so do I. Thank you to Eden Fantasys and to all the members who helped to make this family’s Christmas bright.

Holidays are a time for people to gather with family and celebrate all of the blessings that have came their way throughout the year. Unfortunately, there are those who struggle to enjoy the holidays because they do not have the financial means to celebrate in a manner like most Americans. As a mother I know that this is increasingly difficult when you have children.

Children, for the most part, enjoy what celebrations their parents are able to provide, and then when they get to school everyone is talking about what their family did. Can you imagine going to school after a holiday break and learning that while you sat down to a meager meal for Thanksgiving your classmates feasted on an assortment of foods? I hate the thought of any child going without at any time of the year, but during the holidays I wish for all children to be blessed equally.

When Eden Fantasys put the word out that they were going to be reaching out to the communities to help families I became immediately emotional. I grew up in a middle class family where both of my parents worked. My dad was a journeyman and my mother a nurse. We always had what we needed, and more than not even what we wanted. Life was good. Our family never kept our blessings to ourselves, instead, my parents taught my siblings and I the importance of helping others. This lesson has never left me, and is one of the traditions I passed down to my children, and pray they do the same with theirs.

Through my Google search I found Family Violence Prevention Services, Inc (FVPS). I did some quick research online before contacting them. I was impressed when I read that their services included more than just what the name implied. FVPS offers the following services:

Counseling Services for Women, Men, and Children

Children’s Services Program developed for the specific emotional and social needs of children

Violence Intervention Program teaching men and women who have abused their partners to change their behavior

Transitional Housing Program

P.O.W.E.R. Program (Providing Options With Educational Resources) offering GED, ESL, Computer Literacy, and Banking Basics Education

Youth Substance Abuse Intervention Program serving juvenile court and school-referred adolescents and their families

Community Based Counseling Program providing individual counseling services to residents of all San Antonio homeless shelters

Legal Services Program providing free legal assistance to income-eligible victims of domestic violence.

Court Liaison Program linking victims involved with the legal system to professional intervention, and helping families work with the Court.

There was no question in my head, we would be able to find a family through this service.

I called and was directed to Ms. Melissa, FVPS’s volunteer coordinator. I told her about our wonderful community, and how we would like to inquire about helping. She told me of a few families, but none seemed to match what I thought we should help. I asked her if she had a family that she worried she would not be able to find a fit for. I could hear the smile in her voice when she told me about the next family; a family of ten. The family included Gilbert, age 43 and Rose Marie, age 40. Together they had six adopted children still living in the home. Jose, age 15; Marisol, age 12; Marco, age seven; Amaya, age seven; Christian, age seven; Christians twin brother Cristobal, also seven. Their oldest adopted son lived out of the house. After years of thinking they would never be able to have children naturally, Gilbert and Rose Marie were blessed with another child, Gilbert Jr. who is now three. Gilbert Jr. was born with Cerebral Palsy which forced Rose Marie to give up her career to stay home and take care of their son. Although it provided less income for the family, the couple was happy to make the sacrifices as they knew they were blessed by family.

I knew instantly after hearing their story that this was the family we were meant to adopt for Thanksgiving. Although I had yet to meet them, I instantly felt connected as my husband and I have attempted adoption (we have had three unsuccessful matches) and we have a special needs child.

I took the information to Victoria at EF and she was as excited as I was, and agreed the family sounded perfect.

I called out to all the wonderful people in the EF community, and we worked together with EF to raise money for Thanksgiving dinner.

Eden’s started us off with $200 for the meal. I knew with my frugal shopping I could do more than provide the family with a meal for this amount. I was excited to know that we were going to go far and beyond what we had signed up to do and I was elated.

On November 1^st I received a request from Ms. Melissa. She had another family that was still without a sponsor, and she wanted to know if we could help. I knew I could financially make it happen, and I went to Victoria and the rest of the EF community to ask how I should answer. The response was overwhelming. Everyone agreed that if we could make it happen for this other family that we should. I called Ms. Melissa back and gave her the wonderful news.

The second family included single mother Maria, age 37; Jovahana, age 19; Julian, age 15; Karina age 10; Jessica, age 8; Ruben, age 12 and Abcde (pronounced ab-sa-dee), age two.

With this new family EF did something I did not expect, they raised the initial amount of money to $300, giving us $100 extra of base money to spend on the two families. Although confident that I could provide the two meals on $200, they wanted to make a big impact on these families.

In just three days the EF community donated $504.68 of their points and gift cards, giving us an additional $252.34 for our families. When I shared this with my husband he was as impressed as I with the $552.34 total and although not a part of EF, he wanted to help. He donated the remainder of the money to bring us up to a $600 total.

$600 is a lot of money, even when buying for two large families. I knew this from the start, but I did not quite understand how far it would go. It took me three trips to the store to load up my entire trunk and back seat with food and goodies for our families. During the entire shopping time I even lost ten pounds from pushing around multiple carts and loading and unloading. I even had to go out and purchase a deep freezer to house all the frozen food.

Days before my scheduled drop off days I prepared by sorting the non-perishable items and placing the two huge turkeys in my fridge to thaw in time for Thanksgiving. I was both excited and nervous to meet the families. I wondered if I would cry when we met, or if I would feel uncomfortable in the home of a stranger.

The second families drop off day was two days before Thanksgiving. I brought my friend Maria along as I was informed that the family did not speak English. I was glad to know that there was someone there with me, even if it was just to assist me with communication. When we found the house I opened my trunk and approached the door. My stomach sank out of excitement to see the faces of this family. I knocked on the screen door that was shut and looked into the house as the main door was fully open. A little girl in just her panties came to the door. I looked at Maria and she started speaking to the girl, and asked her to get her mother.

The mother was not at home, but at work. I can imagine that a single mother of six works a lot, and I believe that this was not at all uncommon. The eldest daughter came to the door and Maria introduced us. We received a questioning look, and were invited it. Something told me that the oldest girl spoke English, and so I asked Maria to ask. When Maria questioned her, the girl laughed and told us “yes” in English.

All of the children who were home assisted us in carrying in the groceries to a large dining table in the back of the house. Before we were even done bringing it all in the table was covered, and some items had to be set on the floor. I looked around at all we had provided for this family and I had a sense of pride in being able to represent the EF community.

The next morning I drove from San Antonio to Sommerset, Texas to make our second delivery. My children were on Thanksgiving break so they came with. They asked me a lot of questions on the drive out. Although they knew that mommy was working with a group to adopt a family for Thanksgiving they were still curious. My middle son asked why we were bringing them the food if we adopted them, since he was thinking that us “adopting” them meant they were going to come live with us.

When we found the house we were greeted with multiple smiles. The dad, Gilbert, was off of work since he works as a school bus driver. My sons and I began to bring in food, and when Gilbert saw all we had, he rounded up his family to assist us. Even the youngest, while wobbling down the wheel chair ramp, assisted with the bags.

After all the food was in the house the family invited us to stay and chat. I instantly felt comfortable with the family and so we stayed. Every so often I would hear a giggle, and see their girls poking their heads out the bedroom door, pointing at my boys, smiling, and quickly shutting the door. Even before leaving it was announced that they thought my sons were cute.

When we left the youngest told me he wanted to come with. If given the chance I would have invited him to visit. The final goodbye included many thanks of gratitude along with hugs from all.

Days after I received a call from FVPS thanking the EF community for all the joy they brought to these families. Additionally, we were given a certificate of appreciation.

I want to end this by once again saying thank you to all of you that helped. I appreciate that although I am still a newbie to the community you allowed me to help in my town. I feel blessed this holiday season to say that I am a member of such a caring group.

Happy Holidays,

Ange

Finding the confidence to feel sexy again

Childbirth can be the most beautiful, surrealistic experience in the world. It can also be the most painful thing you will ever experience in your woman hood. The gift of life is an amazing thing, and women are such amazing creatures to possess the ability to give it. However, the beauty and amazement of this talent is often forgotten once it is over. New mothers have to face so many challenges in such a short amount of time.

When most people think of a new baby, they think of the joy and wonder that special little person brings. Now to be clear here I want you all to know that there are indeed those things along with having a baby. But there is also a lot more- there is fatigue from birthing the child in the first place, the endless nights (and days) of soothing and nurturing your newborn every other hour or so; mixed with the lack of energy from nursing and changing and cuddling your baby, and the overwhelming plethora of emotions that accompany new mothers that sticks around for a while.

With help and support, the challenges of being a new mom can be overcome. It is our bodies that remain exhausted for a while after the fact. Birthing a child puts a woman’s body into overdrive. It is something that pushes us beyond our pain threshold and into a whole new world. For (technically) nine months, our bodies change completely to accommodate the little kidney bean that is growing inside of us. Literally everything can change in your body when you become pregnant; from your eyes to your back to your feet. All your organs re arrange to make room for the little one. Your body retains more water, and you puff out like a marsh-mellow. That being said, it takes a hell of a lot longer than nine months to get back to your pre baby body. In fact I don’t think my body will ever be the same again.
Some women are lucky enough to “bounce back” after they have a child. I wish I did. Fortunately for me I am back to the weight I was before I lost weight and got pregnant. I lost 20 pounds right before I got pregnant, so I am still even. However, my body has decided to shape itself differently and clothes do not fit me the same anymore. This in turn makes me feel ugly and fat. I know I am not alone in this, but sometimes it feels like I am. None of my pre baby lingerie fits me anymore. I am scared to buy any new lingerie because it is always a lot smaller than one would expect.
All this can cause one’s confidence to slip. Stretch marks make it hard to let your partner see you naked. Clothes not fitting right anymore can contribute to you feeling down about yourself in public. When you feel these things, you emit them to others, who in turn see you the way you do. But this can be battled, and you can win. There are a few important things that new moms can do to keep their self esteem:

Affirmations- Self talk is a very important part in maintaining your confidence and pride. Even if you don’t believe something is true right away, continue to say it to yourself. Get some sticky notes and write some affirmations down on them. Stick them around the house and anywhere else you will see them on a regular basis. Constantly say these things out loud to yourself every day. The more you say it, the more you will believe it is true.

Visualizations- Visualize your life with the body you want. All your clothes fit, you can buy whatever lingerie you desire, your sex life is as steamy as ever, and you are a much happier woman. Close your eyes and really feel your life to be the way you want it. Do more than picture it- smell the sun tan lotion on the beach while you sit in your bikini, feel the hot sand on your body, hear the compliments that others will give you. Really put yourself there as best you can.
Stay Healthy- Comfort food is something a lot of people battle with. Bored? Grab something to eat. Sad? Head to the fridge. Gym routine not going as well as you planned? Grab a box of Oreos (I really did that… didn’t help me any). There are plenty of great snacks to eat that don’t contain empty calories and sugar. Also, incorporating exercise into your busy new mom lifestyle is a lot easier than it sounds. Take baby for daily walks. Not only do you get exercise, but you both get to bond more and enjoy the world around you. When baby drops something on the floor, squat or lunge to get it instead of just bending over. There are tons of options out there.

by JR and Cynthia

The 4th of July is right around the corner here in America and we’re in the lull of the holiday year. The summer seems to have the least amount of commercial holidays (in which you’re expected to spend money). A lot of people aren’t even thinking about gift giving holidays right now; we’re 4 months from Halloween, 6 months from Christmas, and 8 months from Valentine’s Day. While waiting for the burgers to finish cooking on the grill or for someone to bring you that frozen drink, take a few minutes to think about your sex life and the holidays. Which toys are most appropriate for which holiday?

I realize there are many more holidays than those listed here; choosing gifts for every festival and celebration under the sun would take forever, so I just picked my favorites! Let’s start with the nearest holidays:

American Independence Day (July 4th):

Every 4th of July, Americans celebrate the Declaration of Independence by grilling meat and veggies, munching cold salads, and lighting fireworks. I know it’s a close holiday, so let’s go on the inexpensive side: cock rings. With a pitched tent, put on a silicone or TPR nubbed ring on your John Hancock. Like fireworks and the previously mentioned food, some just don’t last that long, so cock rings are a great addition to those summer nights.

Labor Day (1st Monday in September):

This is usually when summer vacations end and school starts. This isn’t usually a gift giving holiday, but that’s a lame reason to not get something new. Since you’re going back to work or school, get back to the basics in your sex life; pick up a basic toy. A basic dildo or sleeve will help you establish a base line for your sex life and for the holidays around the corner.

Columbus Day (2nd Monday in October):

This is a forgotten holiday for almost everyone I know. Why not celebrate the “discovery” of the New World by trying a new toy or upgrading one you have? Trade in your Jelly for Silicone. Go from a plain dildo to a rockin’ vibrator.

Halloween (October 31st):

Trick or treat! This is the day you dress up and pretend to be something else; why shouldn’t your toys do the same? Try a theme toy! Go with a tentacle or jellyfish, or put a textured sleeve on your usual dildo or vibrator. Some may be tricks and others may be treats; you’ll never know until you try! If you’re not that far into trying new things, get a special costume. It is interesting to notice that “naughty” in front of anything makes it a costume (e.g. naughty student, naughty nurse, naughty cultist, etc.).

Thanksgiving (4th Thursday in November):

Chances are, you’re going to be stuffed from a huge meal and you won’t have a lot of room to spare, so ease in with a slim-line toy. Try on a wand, probe, or bullet for size. If you’re a guy reading this, try out a Tenga Slim. Make sure you wear yourself out, because tomorrow is going to be an early/busy day…

Black Friday (the Friday after Thanksgiving):

This is the unofficial holiday dedicated to spending money…does it all have to be on other people? You’re going to be busy for the next month and a half or so, get something of quality. Since it’s Black Friday…go with black leather! Grab new cuffs, restraints, or an outfit of all black leather. That’s a great early present for…

Christmas (December 25th):

There’s a whole slew of Christmas themed products! Pick out your favorites and have fun! I think the candy cane glass toy is the most festive. There’s also a glass wand shaped like a Christmas Tree out there, you just have to look for it.

New Year’s Eve/Day (December 31st/January 1st):

Happy New Year! If you’re not too hung over, a relaxing massage or a soothing scented candle will reward you for surviving the Holidays! Relax while you still can; you have a couple days off before you’re back to work or school.

Groundhog Day (February 2nd):

Do you remember the movie with the same name? Simple idea here: give yourself a “Round 2” with a groundhog themed rabbit type vibrator. If you can’t find one…just go for the two-fer for yourself.

Valentine’s Day (February 14th):

Oh boy! The biggest day for love all year; how do you celebrate it? I suggest skipping the fancy restaurants and mass produced greeting cards and going with a homemade dinner (or Boston Market) and a bowl of the darkest chocolate you can find (melted) with fresh fruit. For a second dessert, get something special for your partner (i.e. Better than Chocolate for her or Fleshlight for him).

Singles Awareness Day (February 14th):

Ok, I know it’s the same day, but not the same meaning. For the single folk out there, go out to the strip club! It’s something not a lot of couples do; celebrate your Single Life by doing something couples don’t/can’t do. You could also throw a Singles party and get a bunch of party favors (penis cake pan, boob straws, inflatable penis). These are usually for bachelor(ette) parties, but why wait?

Easter (some Sunday or another depending on the Moon):

This holiday is a tricky one. One group celebrates this holiday as a Christian holiday and another group celebrates another holiday around the same time that celebrates rebirth and renewal. I’m skipping the Christian one in favor of the other one.

I have two suggestions for Easter (Ostara): Rabbit-type vibrators and Tenga Eggs. There are also various chocolaty products too.

Earth Day (April 22nd):

Get a “Green” sex toy; rechargeable toys may seem pricey, but they pay for themselves in the long run, financially and environmentally. If alternative energy sounds appealing, you may be impressed by the recently released solar powered bullet! Ready to swap out old toys? Recycle them through a trustworthy sex toy recycling program instead of throwing them away. There are also many great companies that use minimal or recyclable packaging; support them and reduce waste!

Arbor Day (Last Friday in April):

Get a wooden toy. They are actually pretty safe and most are made of composite wood (wood chips/dust mixed with a polymer) or a whole piece of wood finished to smooth perfection. When you’re done pampering yourself, pamper Mother Earth a little, too–Go out and plant a tree!

Mother’s Day (2nd Sunday in May):

“Would you get your mom a sex toy for Mother’s Day?” I’ve read that very question on Eden’s forums. Well, I don’t know about a sex toy, but you could easily get her a gift card and let her pick! Ok, seriously, this is all on you. I don’t know your mom and wouldn’t presume to pick a toy for her. Maybe skip the erotic stuff and just get her a nice lotion or oil for foot rubs.

..and finally…

Father’s Day (3rd Sunday in June):

Ok, see the above suggestion about Mother’s Day and apply it here, except skip the lotion/oil suggestion. If your dad is like mine, any breast/boob/tit related gift that is mildly practical would work (like a coffee mug that has disappearing clothes on a model or something).

Other holidays:

There are loads of other holidays that aren’t listed here. There’s “Talk like a Pirate day” and “Ninja Day” (which is also my birthday, another holiday altogether). If you’re Jewish, there’s Seder and Hanukah. There are all sorts of festivals too, “The Moon Festival” and Midsummer.

Well, I’m sure your hamburger is ready now and there’s a line forming around the grill. Now that you’ve had a series of reminders for the holidays, start planning your gifts or parties!

**The author of this post has requested to remain anonymous**

I never tell people that I’m transgendered—honestly, I don’t. I do not tell someone unless they pick it up from my reviews, unless they are themselves trans- or unless they are with someone who is. Now, of all of those people, I do not feel that being exposed to people who are trans- (or even being trans- themselves) makes them more open to the idea of people who are “variant,” “different,” not on the hill of the bell curve. They’re regular individuals, who most times have their things that they are against, their things that they are ignorant to or about.

But sometimes, just sometimes, there are people who are accepting of…well, everything. Who don’t care what a person was born with, who do not care about the color of someone’s skin, who do not care about what their lover’s hair looks like in the morning, even if they look like complete shit. Acceptance—some people are accepting, completely, regardless of anything about a person. Like Martin Luther King Jr., they judge a person based on the quality of their character, not the qualities of their skin, anatomy, or other little tidbits that mean nothing in the scheme of things.

There’s a reason why I am stealth. There’s a reason why no one knows, unless they really read into me, what I am. No, I do not identify as trans-, no, I do not feel that I am associated with the anatomy or genitals given to me. But it is what it is, and it is true that I have what’s called “trans- experience.” I was born with an anatomy different from who I am—and every day, it’s a struggle. Do I tell her? Do I tell him? Are they going to accept me as the person I am, not what I was incorrectly born as?

Are they going to ridicule me, say horrid things about me behind my back? Are they going to call the parts that I was born with, the parts that I hate and want to chop off, will they call them what I feel they are, or will they call them what they “appear” to be? Will they love me for what’s inside of me, or will they tell me that it’s no good, that now that they know, I’m a liar, a cheat, and a freak?

I’ve been called that too many times, had nasty messages left on my cell phone when I was a kid. Homosexuals would say to me, “What the hell do you think you are? Just be gay, stop trying to be something you’re not, you freak.”

And every time I meet someone that I start to care about, I’m faced with the horror of feeling…scared. Feeling scared, in and of itself, is terrifying to me, because I do not want to be afraid anymore. I know people who are so open about themselves, who do not care about what people think of them. And neither do I, of course. I am an adult, why would I care? But the reason why I care, the reason why I am afraid, is because it’s dangerous.

Maybe people do not understand where there are so many people who are trans- that live “under the radar.” I can tell you now, they’re afraid. They are afraid, of ridicule. And more than that, they are afraid of being beat to a pulp and thrown in a ditch somewhere, left to rot.

People don’t have to understand, why I do not tell them what I am. Why I list myself as the gender that I believe that I am, as the gender that I truly am, and not as a “trans-” person. Because I am what I feel that I am, and no one can tell me otherwise. You don’t have to feel that I am a real person, and you know what, you don’t even have to believe me. But no one knows me better than I know myself, and you can try to fight me and try to bring me down, and call me horrible names, call me a liar, because you feel like you were deceived.

But you weren’t. And I would never lie to you. The deception is in telling you the truth, in telling you my past, because I was never that person, and I never will be.

**Author has been kept anonymous at their own request**

I never talk about my rape. I even will say that I was never raped, was never sexually abused. I flat out lie. I am a horrible liar, but this, this I could lie about to a lie detector. Even when there was a burst of bloggers talking about their experiences with rape, I left comments even, but in those comments I say that I was never raped. It is not something I tell people. But, I am going to tell you the story now.

I was in an honors program when I was in seventh grade. We were a small group of kids, close knit. We were also really responsible and adults trusted us, because we were the ‘smart kids’. Well I had a huge crush on a boy named Jaime. He was everything that I wanted at that young age. He was a soccer player, smart, and gorgeous. We accidentally got paired up for a large project near the end of the year because we both happened to be absent on the day that partners were assigned.

We both stayed after school one day to work on our project. It was in our classroom. Our teacher stayed with us for about ninety minutes after school ended. Then he got a phone call and had to leave. Any other students would have been forced to leave. Students should not be unsupervised. But we were the smart kids, we could be trusted. Not to mention, we only had about thirty more minutes until our parents came to pick us up. So he locked the door [it could still be opened from the inside, but locked from the outside] and left.

Jaime scooted closer to me. He touched me. I was confused. I made a joke about it, because I so wasn’t his type. He told me I didn’t know what his type was. I was stuck between being excited about the attention he was showing me, and being uncomfortable. He kissed me, his lips were chapped and too forceful to really be enjoyable for a seventh grader. It wasn’t my first kiss, it felt more awkward and forced than any other kiss I had. He pushed me back and I tried to struggle. His legs kept my lower half immobilized. He pulled my hair so I wouldn’t struggle with my upper half. He managed to pull down my jeans and panties, to this day I have no idea how. I wasn’t struggling too much at that point, I was almost a zombie. Human in body and flesh, but something had taken over me.

He used his spit to push himself into me easier. His grunts were soft and almost feminine. I could tell I wasn’t crying, at least not on the outside. I wanted to. I wanted to scream. I wanted to push him off of me. I couldn’t move though. Not too long after he was pumping on top of me, he leaned over and in a slick voice he whispered words that will never leave me, “I could never cum in a fat girl”. With that he got off of me and went over to a garbage can near the teacher’s desk. His bottom half was naked, and in that moment I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He stroked himself to climax into the trash can. He turned to me, sneered, and told me that even a trash can was better than I was. That was the last time I looked him in the eyes. We both dressed in silence. I picked up the supplies for our project and went out to the front of the school to wait for my mom. I had to be in the same classroom with him daily for over a month after that. The next year I luckily moved towns.

Looking back, I cannot believe how unbelievable cruel he was. Raping someone is sick enough, but to cum into a trash can and tell me that it was better than me? To me that was worse than my rape. I worked through my rape by myself. I never told anyone. My current boyfriend doesn’t know, my family, my best friend, no one. I have always lied about it when people bring up rape or sexual assault. I will continue to do so.

Posts from the road; AVN, the “O” Awards, Blogher…

Gay marriage may not be legal in the District of Columbia — you can’t get a marriage license there to marry your same sex partner — but, beginning today, they will recognize same sex marriages performed in other districts.

The Examiner gave Eden Fantasys (as well as Liberator, Good Vibes and The Stockroom) a great mention for our Fourth of July weekend sale.  Woot!