Cheating – the big C word that no relationship wants to deal with. Cheating is fickle thing though; I feel like anyone who cheats is judged not only by their partner, but by the rest of society as well. Our culture stresses that monogamy is the only way to be happy, and despite that, cheating seems to still prevail. But why does it happen if our only path to happiness is staying with one person till the day we die?

I feel like I need to personally analyze the actual act of cheating. I’ve come across so many people that have told me that they could never cheat because it’s not in their nature, they love their partner, it’s not right, if they had other feelings for someone else they would leave, and the list goes on. I then ask these people: do you actually know anyone who has ever cheated on their partner? I hear a lot of no’s, strangely enough. The act of cheating is not because you don’t love someone; if that was the case, relationships got a whole lot simpler than I recall them to be.

In most cases of cheating that I’ve observed, I’ve noticed that it’s not because one partner is actively seeking a sexual partner because they are spiteful, bored, out of love, etc.; instead I’ve noticed that there is a similarity – there’s a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed and resolved. One common problem that I’ve encountered is that there is a loss of communication and someone’s physical, emotional, or psychological needs are not being met. This causes the suffering partner to find a “substitute”, if you will, so that they can fulfill their lacking needs.

I find that a lot of individuals aren’t looking for a simple fling, but they want to talk to someone about their day, or their ideas, or something they can’t discuss with their partner. So many of these types of relationships start innocently – they justify the relationship as a close friendship. Essentially, they are attempting to fill the void that their relationship is experiencing. Sometimes this is a conscious decision, but I find that most of the time it is a choice that is being made subconsciously. These “close friendships” end up being a lot of more intimate than they were intended to be, and in more instances than not, it turns sexual.

What should a couple do when a sexual transgression occurs? Many couples, monogamous and not, consider this to be the ultimate deal breaker and will end the relationship as soon as possible. But is this really fair? I feel like it really depends on each situation. What sexual act occurred? Some relationships can forgive some acts, such as oral or anal sex, much easier than they can forgive PIV sex (this applied for hetero couples obviously). What kind of relationship was pursued by the cheating partner? Was it strictly sexual, or did they intend to keep it on a friendship level but it just got too far out of hand? And the most important factor: What was their motivator? This is probably going to be the most difficult of all to deal with.

When it comes to the motivating factors, it’s simple to sign off the cheating partner as being selfish and inconsiderate. Yes, there are cheating partners that are malicious about their cheating; they do it to either spite their spouse or to express whatever unkind intention they have. However, I like to assume that not all people are like this, and there are cheating partners that made just this – a mistake. Blaming the cheating partner is lazy to me; it’s necessary to analyze the actions of both the cheating AND non-cheating partner. Again, I’ve outlined some motivators of the cheating partner, but I have yet to discuss the non-cheating partner’s role.

I feel like non-cheating partners are painted in an almost angelic light in our culture. They are the hopelessly devoted lover that would bend over backwards for their relationship, only to be slapped in the face by their ungrateful lover. I feel like that’s as far from the truth as possible. Most, if not all cheating relationships had some issues with the non-cheating partner. Some common complaints from the cheating partner that I’ve encountered are “He/She doesn’t listen to me”, “I feel like I’m not sexually attractive to him/her”, “They don’t give me enough attention no matter what I do”, “I feel like I’m insufficient”, and “We’ve drifted apart and I’m unsure of what the future holds.” The cheating partner is almost driven to seek comfort with someone else that will provide them with the lack they suffer from.

I’m not saying that we need to rationalize the cheating partner’s behavior, because what they did is damaging. I am saying that both partners need to claim their responsibility in the momentary failure of their relationship, if they have any responsibility. A line of communication is necessary to repair what’s broken.

For those who have cheated, don’t let your partner turn this into ammo during arguments, fights, disagreements, etc. If they justify your mistake as a reason to abuse you, it’s necessary to understand that your partner is not on the right path of forgiveness, and that you and your relationship are only going to suffer. If possible, seek a counselor so that both of you can heal and have the relationship you both desire.

For those that have been cheated on, the most important thing you can do is forgive. Chances are, your partner doesn’t want you to leave them, but they want to work things out for the best. Again, counseling would be in your best interests. If they continue to violate your trust, though, it may be a good time to question the future of your relationship and see if it will be able to survive.

I have to disagree with the adage “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” because it groups too many human beings into the same category. There are plenty of wonderful people that have been led astray because they are human and they make mistakes. Instead, it would be best to utilize the process of forgiveness and forgetting, because in the end, it will only strengthen a relationship.

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