Average. That’s the only way I can think to call myself since my mid-teens. Some consider me a big girl, and some people call me tiny. There seems to be no set label for my body type. I never know how to classify myself, and have always felt like I needed to. I have always seemed to have some kind of body insecurity that I think stems from that, there being three major ones since I was a teen.

My youngest insecurity was height. I was taller and thinner than most girls in middle school. I truly thought I was going to grow up and stay that way. Tall and thin was my mindset of beauty, and I have a sibling that is really tall, so I was sure I would grow up to be like that. Sometime in early high school though, all the other girls started to grow too. Pretty soon I was among the shortest girls my age, and that continued into adulthood. I hated that about myself then, and while most girls worried about being fat, at the time, I worried about being short. I tried to wear heels but have never been able to walk well in them. As I got a lot older and dated really tall guys, I found out that short is actually really cute and embraced being petite.

As I grew up, my hips grew pretty large and my waist stayed tiny. I have small shoulders, and my arms definitely have some jiggle. I have a small bust but big thighs and butt. A lot of people have found my somewhat hour glass figure (but with smaller boobs) sexy. But other people call me big because of my hips and thighs and butt. For a while some people close to me would make jokes about my “big ass”. I knew I didn’t have a tiny ass, but they were joking so it was never a big deal. After some time they admitted that I have a huge ass, and they were never actually joking. Since then, I really don’t know what to believe. I exercise semi-regularly. No matter how much I do, my proportions stay the same. It’s just the way I’m built, I guess.

I still don’t really know what to call myself, big or small. I hate it when I’m with a group of people and one person calls me tiny because of my boobs and waist, and someone else disagrees because of my hips. I haven’t overcome this insecurity, but I’m trying to accept my body more and not care what others think so much.

My personal insecurity, that I don’t talk about much, is my stretch marks I got while I was pregnant. They have faded quite a bit, but there are still some in places I would rather they not be. Friends and others that have seen my body say I look great, and it was worth getting them to have my child, but they make my body look so different, and I feel like it’s not so great now. With support of family and friends, I do feel better about myself than I used to about this, but it’s something that’s in me and personal.

I have so many issues with myself, and day by day I’m trying to work through them. I really need to learn to see more than just my flaws. Even just by writing this I’m realizing more about myself, and hopefully I can ignore what others say about my body. There’s no way I can change my shape.