Okay, only one of my exes lives in Texas. The only one who ever has any sort of influence anymore. Because we have kids. That’s the only reason. And he pretends he avoids it at all costs. It’s not his fault that him fucking up his life affects me. It’s pure circumstance. He thinks.

All M’s influential exes live within a two hour drive. And despite the fact that they do everything in their power to keep him supporting them fully while refusing him access to his children, they still manage to somehow weasel their way into our lives. Proof positive is the fact that I’m writing about exes today, and not something more fun, like kinky sex or the awesome new LELO vibrator I got yesterday.

I say to people, “I hate M’s exes.” and they all get that knowing smile that says, “Everyone hates their SO’s exes, dear.” and start looking for something in my reasons they can use to show me the error of my ways. Obviously, my hatred for M’s exes is based solely on the fact that they used to share a bed, just like every other “immature” woman who “can’t leave the past alone”, and I should just get over it already. I mean, he’s with me, right?

They say things like, “Yeah, but they’ve got kids together, so you really have to figure out how to get along with her.” fully believing it’s just the cliche case of a woman unable to stop obsessing about her husband’s ex. Until they hear the stories. Then they’re shocked that no one’s in prison. Or worse! Dead!

Sometimes there are good reasons for hating an SO’s ex that don’t ultimately amount to “They used to share a bed.”

It’s silly, but the single most annoying thing M’s ex has done is instruct me on how to cut tomatoes. Yes, cut tomatoes. That’s not to say she hasn’t done worse, more infuriating things. But I said annoying, not infuriating!

We went to her house to celebrate some holiday. I forget which one. She cooked. She was supposed to have the meal ready when we got there, but instead she started it while we were there. And while she was cutting the tomatoes for the salad, she was all, “Melen and I have known each other forever. I know how he likes everything. Like tomatoes.”

“Tomatoes?” I asked with a bit of incredulity. “You really can’t fuck up tomatoes. You just … cut them.”

“Oh, Melen likes them cut a certain way. I’m surprised he hasn’t said anything, given the nature of your relationship.” she said.

I looked at him. If my eyes were daggers, he’d have been dead. And probably lacking his manhood.

He looked at me sheepishly and said, “She’s right.” (Here’s where I’ll say the other day he saw me cutting tomatoes and said I do it weird. When I reminded him of the tomato-cutting lesson I got from his ex, he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. Insists I imagined it. Let me let you men in on a little secret. A woman never forgets. We may get over it! But a woman never forgets.)

I assume it must have been some sort of ploy to show him she’s just as much of a catch as I am (She still does this nine years later. Regularly.), and I laugh about it often. But at the time, I was pissed at M. I mean, how dare he not tell me how he likes tomatoes cut?!

But I’ve got some ideas! For me and for you. Some ways to handle the annoying ex who’s always weaseling into your lover’s life. Some of them good. Some of them bad. Use what you can and leave the rest.

1. Smile and nod, then promptly do the opposite of every bit of advice your SO’s ex gives you. If they were the authority on things your SO enjoys, they’d probably still be together. Congratulate yourself for being the bigger person.

2. Be armed with insults that sound like compliments. Statements like, “I dunno what possessed Billy to leave you!” or, “I doubt I’ll ever live up to the memory of you.”

3. Master the art of making sarcasm sound like a joke. This works especially well if you were previously friends with the SO’s ex because they know the difference between your sarcasm and your jokes and will have a much more difficult time convincing your SO you’re “just being a bitch because she hates me.”

Oh, sorry. Maybe that’s just my SO’s ex.

4. Let your SO set the ground rules. Know exactly what’s okay and what’s off-limits. Maybe your SO doesn’t really care what the relationship is between you and their ex. Maybe you can say/do whatever you want. When children are involved, that’s a little more difficult. Kids have to be allowed to make their own decisions about things. It’s not fair to air all someone else’s dirty laundry in front of children. And in many cases they won’t believe you anyway. They have to see it for themselves.

5. Don’t let them drag you into their drama. As long as it doesn’t affect you, it’s none of your business. So just stay out of it!

6. Absolutely and immediately express your concerns if you feel like your SO is handling the situation in a way that isn’t working out for everyone involved. You don’t want to catch them off guard somewhere down the road with a comment about how this has been a problem forever.

I’m going to resist my OCD urge to make this ten points long and just say do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. It may be scripture, but I find it’s a pretty good rule of thumb to follow.

How do you handle your SO’s ex?