AIDS and HIV: 7 Stories of Love, Part 6

Posted by Raven QuincecloseAuthor: Raven Quince Name:
Email: ravenquince@gmail.com
Site: http://ravenquince.wordpress.com/
About: Thanks largely to a revitalized openness in communication with my husband, I am having a sexual re-awakening. I’m opening the door to the darker corners of my mind and no longer denying my kinky inclinations. Very happily, we are exploring new things together. I also post a few naughty thoughts and write about sex toys and other things that interest me on my own blog.See Authors Posts (7)

Part 6: KL – Damages

Our friend KL is living with HIV. He and my husband became friends through work about 6 years ago. Although they’ve both moved on to other places, they’ve stayed in touch and see each other for lunch every other week, and sometimes they’ll go to the Village to check out stores and have dinner.

KL has two sides to his very strong personality. On one hand, he’s the sweetest, most sensitive man who cares deeply about art, the creative process and also for my family. He’s the type of guy who would give you everything he owned if you needed it. On the other hand, he can be a total bitch. Unprovoked, he can say mean and spiteful things to my husband or other people in his life. At times, it’s as if he’s intentionally trying to push people away from him. He’s cultivating a hard shell.

We’ve tried asking him about his HIV status and his health. KL doesn’t want to talk about it. He also doesn’t want to talk about the all medication he takes, though has mentioned how thankful he is for the medical insurance he receives through his job. If we ask him how long he’s been living with HIV, he will say something glib, then change the subject.

But there’s a bigger problem. Through stories about hook-ups KL has had, we’re quite certain that he is not immediately open about his health status with many of his lovers. I have an ethical and moral issue with this, as does my husband. With him being so closed about his HIV status, it makes it very difficult to approach him to discuss it.

I asked my husband if it was any wonder why KL couldn’t keep a boyfriend when disclosure came sometimes weeks after having sex for the first time. My husband corrected me by saying that, in almost all of the cases, it was KL who would cut off the relationship and push the other person away.

My husband is acutely aware that he is likely one of KL’s closest friends. Sadly, no one sticks around him for long. But my husband has a way of dealing with KL’s acid tongue that works for both of them. He thinks that KL is an intensely lonely man who, in order to protect himself from being hurt, intentionally lashes out at people first before he has the chance to be hurt in return.

It’s easy to be righteously indignant about KL’s reprehensible behavior where HIV disclosure is concerned. It would also be easy to tell him that if he didn’t conform to what we, and much of society, felt was morally and ethically correct, we could no longer be his friends. But the reality is, looking at the patterns of his past relationships, KL might just as easily cut us out of his life in a move of emotional self-preservation, and then continue doing what he’s been doing all along.

Instead, my husband and I have decided that we’d make more of an impact by trying to effect an attitude change from within the friendship, and to show a little more compassion and a little less judgment. I don’t know if we’ll be successful – on any of those points. And yes, I do think of all the men that KL has put at risk without their knowledge, I wonder if any of them are now HIV positive as a result and I wonder how much of that weight rests with me.

This is not a redemption story. Yet.