Hi, my name is Chili, and I’m a Craig’s List junkie.

Not a junkie in the fact that I actually use it as intended, (well, except for the occasional job ad answer when I feel like getting spam asking for my credit report) but as an addicted reader of various categories for either genuine curiosity or guilty giggles. And it’s the best place for free porn if I really want to admit it.

I’ve seen lots of crazy adverts, though. I live in an area of Florida that lists the entire county as an entry in the Craig’s List state subcategory of cities, and so I have nearly 1500 square miles of weirdos to read about. Although, my county has the most entertaining listings in the “Personals” category and the “Free” subcategory under “For Sale”.

I suspect it may hold true for other parts of the U.S., too. But anyway …

For this article I will focus on the “Personals” category (subcategory “Casual Encounters”). I would like to do a bit on the “Free” listings, but I cannot justify such a humor piece on Eden Cafe. Although, I will share that I once came across a listing of a free pet cockroach, whom the owner couldn’t afford to continue feeding Cheetos and cornbread.

Ready with your eye rolling and sighs of disbelief? Good. Towns and cell numbers have been removed to protect the not-so-innocent, and spelling and grammar have not been altered whatsoever. Please remember I am not making any of this up …

WATCH ME
“Lunch time jackoff, want girl to watch me come all over her pretty feet or flipflops. You don’t reciprocate, just watch me jerk my come all over your feet. By yourself or bring a friend(s) to watch.”

The accompanying photos spoke for themselves, though I can’t imagine any woman wanting a guy to jizz on her $80 sandals. If he wasn’t so focused on his fetish, he might have made a great small appliance salesman with his party photos.

YUNG STUD FOR MILFS CUGERS
“yo 18 yr old discrete lokkin for hott wuman ovr 25 I got 9′ uncut thik d/d hit me up no fatties no dudes”

Nine feet? Does he sling it over his shoulder and wear it like a meat scarf? Is that the reason why he doesn’t have any brain cells left to know how to spell? And anyone who writes this sort of ad can’t be discreet, let alone know anything about discrete mathematics. I didn’t think the title of Cougar was bestowed on anyone until they were 50, though.

WHERE ARE ALL THE REAL WOMEN?
“MWM – 35 – 6’2” – 185 lbs – 8” thick cut – clean d/d free – blonde, green, in shape – good-looking Looking for a real woman and not spam or dating sites. Must take care of herself (athletic or in shape), between 18 and 25, attractive, white, d/d free, no drama, and available weekday mornings and must host. Must be discreet as will I. Pic for pic. NO MEN”

This is pretty much the average ad. There’s a certain sadness in which the mid-life crisis age is getting younger. The photo could be anyone’s underwear-covered crotch, including former-Senator Weiner’s.

LOOKING TO MEET SOON
“Looking to meet someone that is not shy or afraid to meet. I am not some phycopath just a regular guy wanting to meet an atrative woman.”

Posting such a thing will make people wonder if you are, though, especially since your photo is you posed with your Doberman. At least you’re not doing anything to the Doberman.

LONLEY
“hey im 29 brown hair 5.10 just seeing whats out there my girlfiend posts on here so i thought id give it a shot”

Issues? Try volumes. Is the ‘girlfiend’ typo a Freudian slip? Five to one this will end up in the papers under the police blotter section.

PREGANT RISK SEX
“Hey. Sick of safe sex when you and me are both disease-free? Want bareback fun without the drama of a real relatonship? Hit me up. 6′, 190, built, 8.5” cut, black hair, brown eyes. Got a few kids, so I make great babies if you want me to be a donor to. Looks don’t matter, must be HWP, any race or age.”

Got a clean bill of health this very minute, buddy? What makes you think you aren’t carrying something right now from all your bareback fun? Really, go take care of those kids, and maybe get snipped while you’re at it so you don’t continue to contribute to overpopulation. Nice cock-pic, though, but I think I saw it advertised across the state in another town.

DON’T WOMEN WANT NSA SEX ANYMORE?
“vgl latin iso white or latina ladies for no drama fun age is just a # looks uniportent round ass welcome hit me up”

When did we want no-strings-attached to begin with? Sure, there will always be those who do, but maybe it’s the crowd he’s running with that wants something more? Anyway, I must take a moment to address this “hit me up” phrase that keeps showing up; first thing that comes to to my mind is smacking someone in the back of the head. Is this what they really want? It may explain a few things.

REVENGE ON GIRLFRIENDS
“Buddy and me got kicked out by our girlfriends, so we want some sluts to fuck until they take us back. Under 30, under 130 lbs, must host. No pros, fats, or trannies.”

No wonder their girlfriends kicked them out. Hope those girls didn’t change their minds. Also hope they found a better class of boyfriends.

UGLY GUY NEEDS GIRL TO CUDDLE
“21, overweight, shy, nerdy, ugly guy seeking understanding geek girl for cuddles.”

He wasn’t that bad looking in his photo, but low self-esteem does that sort of thing to a person. I felt his pain, but I don’t go for barely legal infants.

TRAVEL BACK IN TIME WITH ME
“Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Must be willing to be hugged repeatedly. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.”

Dude – ! I’m serious, I totally loved this post. He lived in the same town as me, and I was very tempted to e-mail and ask him about the arrangements – what era, what time of year, what place, how long will the trip be, does he use a Tardis or a Rubik’s Cube, etc. Oh, and ask him when was the last time he took his meds. But I’m sure he’s really too busy right now trying to afford to feed his pet cockroach.