After reading a few posts here on Eden Café that involved the writer talking about learning of their own sexuality growing up, I became inspired to write about my own. I’ll admit going through puberty was an embarrassing and extremely awkward time for me. So why would I want to talk about it? I don’t know… I was just inspired to talk about my own blossoming. Let’s see where to start, well… how about what my parents taught me about puberty and sexuality. Well, my Mom taught me pretty much nothing and my Dad just eventually helped to pad the belief that all guys were dirty perverts. So, there I was with no idea what my body was going through and why it was changing. I pretty much loathed the weird hairs popping up on my body out of nowhere – it did nothing but make me feel disgusting and dirty. I also was the first girl in my 3rd grade class to begin growing breasts, sure they were extremely small but they were there, enough for all the other girls to notice and scold me for it. One girl came over to me at recess and said “You’re not supposed to be growing breasts yet!” I was shocked and extremely embarrassed, no wonder I ended up becoming the shy wallflower throughout the rest of my school career with how awkward with myself I was becoming. I was already blossoming before all the other girls, what was wrong with me?
When I was in the 4th grade, my period came to me in the middle of the night and I awoke the next day with messy underwear and a bunch of confusion. I ran into the bath room and sat in the tub for over an hour hoping that it would stop soon. My mother’s reaction was to have a relative take me to the library and check out a book to tell me all about it. Not a single one of them talked to me or explained anything to me; it was just “read the book that will help you”. I remember how frustrated I was because I didn’t want to read a book, just tell me what was going on with me – of coarse eventually I was able to get my Mom to talk to me about it but it was short and sweet. Now the whole sex talk business, yeah I learned about sex from the school nurse. During the 4th grade, we had to bring home a form for our parents to sign so the school could teach us about puberty. The boys split up and went off with someone and we went off with the school nurse. Sure, we were just supposed to learn about our bodies and our periods – but when asked a question regarding sex, she answered honestly. So that’s how I learned about sex, nope no memory of my Mom sitting down and talking to me. The only memory I have is that of the school nurse standing in front of us saying “and the penis hardens and fills with blood.” Ha, and I’ll admit it didn’t weird me out or shock me one bit. I’ll admit I’ve seemed to always have had a bit of a curiosity when it came to sex though being an “early bloomer” when it came to puberty probably helped that fact.
I was pretty embarrassed about it all, especially the new found curiosity about the opposite gender and sex. I never ever tried asking my Mom a question I felt she would beat around the bush, of course maybe her buying me a certain teen magazine was her way of answering those questions that I may have had. There was a certain one geared towards high school girls but she got it for me anyways despite me being a middle school student. That’s where I learned about masturbation and teen sex, etc. I did sneak and rummage through my Mom’s Cosmopolitan magazines from time to time and learned a few things from there. Of course neither are the best sources for sexual information – but being at a time where we didn’t own a computer and the internet was starting to get big via AOL, etc. I didn’t even want to try looking at the library for any of the information because I always felt a little wrong about my newfound curiosity. By the time I was in the 8th grade I was already able to get myself off, of course it was just by using forms of friction on my crotch to get myself there. I never really fully masturbated until I was in high school. The odd thing is that no matter what guy I had a crush on, I never once fantasized about any of them. I always fantasized about other people being together, just random people I made up in my head or maybe characters from a book I was reading. Though part of it may have to do with me not being happy with myself or reality growing up and then part of it may be due to voyeuristic fetishes. I joke now that maybe I just had too much sexual energy and the only one that was able to tap into it is my current partner. I mean, he was the first guy that I met that I actually felt good fantasizing about. My current partner is actually the one that bought me my first vibrator and how I wish that I thought about buying myself a sex toy earlier because it would have proved very useful to me.
As far as learning about my sexuality went, well that would make me feel even dirtier sometimes. As I said, I was curious so I did eventually learn what I did and didn’t like over time through the internet and my fantasies. I fantasized about bondage, two women/men being together (like I said I never fantasized about myself), cross-dressing men, etc. So I feel like I eventually have been able to work out my kinks, and I know what I like and what I want from my partner. Due to one of my family members being a bit of a porn addict (to the point that he had his own website of collected porn), I had an issue with it growing up. So I never would watch porn ever, if I needed something visual at times I would grab one of my R rated movies with close to soft-core sex scenes in them and watch those. I mostly read erotic stories that I found on the internet so I could use my imagination.
Thinking back on it all, I don’t know why I am so embarrassed. I mean, everyone goes through the journey. I also believe that it’s an important one to take as well. If anyone has any enlightening or embarrassing puberty stories that they would like to share please do, it can help to have someone to relate to.
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Sarahbear
I can relate to this, a lot. I grew up with my grandmother and started puberty in 5th grade. When I got my period I thought I had diarrhea or something and showed her my panties after a few days of it, thinking I needed a doctor or medicine. After her trip to the store she put a bag of always pads on my bed, but she never really talked to me about it. She made sure I had pads every month and I learned about sex and puberty in school and through friends, as well as through my church’s filter.
I dealt with the boob thing too. I hated wearing a bra, but my mom bought one when I started developing and when I visited her she would tell me I needed to wear it all the time. I had a body suit that I wore as a shirt sometimes and this boy (in 5th grade gym class) came up and told me he could tell I was wearing a bra. It was really awkward. I also dealt with a few boys being curious and wanting to touch my boobs, being one of the few girls who had developed then.
I didn’t even know I grew armpit hair and a friend of mine, at a freaking pool party, told me that I needed to shave my armpits. I was baffled and then I looked and was so embarrassed. I didn’t raise my arms for the rest of the night and started shaving them afterward. It was just a series of embarrassing and awkward moments as people told me what my grandmother and mom didn’t.
Ke
Luckily the day I had my period my mom tried her best to make me comfortable with it. She talked to me for a long time mainly because my mother is big on cleanliness so once I got my period she became overly obsessed with hygiene. I was more so embarrassed about her knowing then anything else. All I could think was that she would look at me funny from that day forward. On the day I finally saw the video about puberty I actually was on my period. All the other girls were asking questions that I already pretty much had the answers to. When the presentation was over and they finished passing out the little bag at the end with the pad and deodorant in it I used it the same day.
Sex has been something I have been curious about since I was old enough to work a VCR. The first porn I ever saw belonged to my dad. I was around eight at the time and have been watching them ever since. I was around 14 when my sister and I found my mom’s dildo and that just opened up a whole new world of explorations. I can relate to that embarrassment of being curious about the opposite sex because I honestly thought something was wrong with me. It seemed like my mind was always on something sexual. I too would look at people and fantasize about them together. Some people I wish I hadn’t thought about. I think the reason I imagined other people having sex so much was because I knew that no one would exist if people weren’t having sex with each other. I’d see people with their kids and automatically daydreamed about what it was they were doing when they made them. I wondered if they were doing the same things I’d seen in pornos and on hbo. Back then I was an undercover freak and now its no secret at all what I am.